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Melissa138

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Hi everyone,

My name's Melissa and I lost my best (and often times only) friend, Lola, in June. I'm really struggling just to stay afloat if that makes sense. It took 2 months for me to even acknowledge that she was gone. It recently has gotten so bad that I had to take 2 days leave from work. Luckily I work in the veterinary field, and have amazing and supportive coworkers.

I know it's supposed to hurt. I know what I'm going through (thoughts and emotions) are normal. I have people I can turn to. But nothing helps. I don't know what else to do.

I even avoided posting here as I'm at a loss for words.

She would have been 11 on Thursday.

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I am so sorry for you loss! I too lost my Boo Bear therapy dog last July and just cant seem to find my heart!

One thing though, is I want to ask you to be extra kind and tolerant of your self NOW because with the holidays occuring everything tends to hurt so much more.

You have lost your family it is always so HARD the first season. Be willing to take the time to grieve as deeply as you need to! There are people you coulod talk to but I feel that if you could just cut out the coming days and wake up in january you would cause why would you smile when you are crying inside? Dear One, sure wish we could help in some way! Just let us know what and how!!!

Hugs

CJ

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Hi Melissa,

I'm sorry for your loss. Can you tell us a little about Lola?

It does take time to process and assimilate the huge loss, and your adjustment will be at your own pace, little by little. I hate to think what I'll be like when I lose my Arlie someday...I have lost many pets over the years, and each one is hard, and each one is different. When we are especially close to one, it leaves a gaping hole in our heart to match the love we have for them.

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Thank you both for replying. CJ, thank you for the reminder to take the time I need. I'm not the greatest with self compassion, and often try and rush through my emotions. And you are so right, I do wish I could just wake up in January!

Kayc, I would love to tell you about Lola :)

I've always loved animals and for years wanted a dog. During my teens years I was quite sick and had just given up. The only thing keeping me going was watching this show called Pet Project that had a Boston Terrier named Daisy on it. Of course I wanted a Daisy all of my own, and spent days looking up information on the breed to make sure it was the (hypothetically) perfect dog for me. My parents wanted nothing of this, but I would daydream. I even thought of the perfect name, Lola, after the song "whatever Lola wants, Lola gets."

On Christmas morning I woke up to find a dog bed with a stuffed dog toy and letter advising me that I would be getting Lola as soon as my parents found the perfect one. As luck would have it, we found Lola a few weeks later and she came home at the end of January.

That dog saved my life, just by being in it. By being so loving, genuine and just so darn happy she taught me so much. She just radiated positive energy and happiness. Walking down the street, people I didn't even know would yell out "Hi Lola!" or just look at her and smile. Maybe it was her bulgy eyes, or her wiggle bum walk. But for whatever reason, people just saw her and laughed. She spread joy wherever she went, and the girls at the vet would even look forward to her coming in, giving her snuggles and saying she was just what they needed if they were having a bad day. This was before I was working there!

She did have a few health issues, but it was when she was diagnosed with Cushing's that it started to get bad. We monitored her closely but come June, her quality of life had gone downhill, and she was showing neurological symptoms. We ended up euthanizing her the day after my birthday, and she passed holding a bone in her mouth, surrounded by her family and some of her favorite people (the staff at the hospital). I'm grateful I did get to spend that last birthday with her.

When she started getting sick, I made her step in paint. I brought her exact paw print to my tattoo artist and got it tattooed on my foot. I wanted to make sure she would always be with me every step of the way. She tried licking it, so I'm assuming she liked it ;)

I miss her so much.

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Melissa, I'm reading your posts, and crying. My dog was Lila. A few months ago, something bad happened. Someone, or something, took her. We found her out on the highway just before dawn. We took her body home and buried her in the backyard. You got a tattoo, I carved her name in stone and got a little statue of an angel holding a puppy. I know that Lila is with the angels (and I do not mean that metaphorically) and that she is fine now. But I am not.

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It has been months, but my husband and I still cry sometimes...weep, not sniffles. Our kids have troubles with losing her, and our family therapists says that they won't even hit the hard part, until we adults get a handle on it. The kids want a new dog, and I do too, but I can't consider it because I am too scared. I know that women lose husbands, and marry again, and are happy with that choice, so I ask myself why I can't get another dog.

We got Lila a year before I was in a car accident. She was with me through years of healing. Long days when kids and husband were at school and work, and Lila went with me everywhere. She would go in the car with us, but she didn't like walks, because she wanted to just be at home.

I read a quote last week, that parents of teenagers should have a dog, because then there was always someone who was happy you were home. I laughed. I'm not depressed all the time. And again, I thought about getting another dog. Another little black poodle. It is the only dog I would ever get, just like you got Lola, exactly what you knew you wanted. But it scares me to consider it. Something bad happened to Lila, and there was nothing I could do--with a new dog, I imagine I would always be afraid something bad would happen.

Lila was 8 when she was killed. Not at all old for a miniature poodle, but I know she was getting sick or something, because she was slowing down in significant ways. I try to tell myself that her death was timely, and saved her from living with what would surely have become a low quality of life. But all considered, I have to admit that it is not Lila that I am worried about. It is me. And my family. I've experienced losses in my lifetime (I'm nearly 50), and some have been very hard. But I think losing Lila this way, this is the hardest thing.

After she died, neighbors stopped by to offer their condolences. One even wrote a card. Like Lola, there was just something very special about our dog. Our dogs were our saving angels, and we don't know how to live without them.

I wish I had some kind of special healing advice for you, so you could feel better. All I can offer, is that you are not alone in how much you needed your dog, and how much it hurts that she is gone. They saved us when we needed saving, and then left us on our own. I know I should be glad she was in my life, and move on, but I haven't yet figured out how.

Blessings,

Shoe

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Melissa and Shoe, my heart hurts for both of you as I read your sad stories about Lola and Lila, and I am so sorry you’re each hurting so badly.

The only way I know to deal with this sort of pain is to let yourselves experience it fully, without trying to suppress it or push it away. Find some ways to express it (including the sharing you are doing here, in this safe place, among fellow animal lovers).

With regard to getting another dog, Shoe, I truly do appreciate your struggle. I will share with you that after my cockapoo Muffin was struck by a car and later euthanized, it took me ten years before I was ready and willing to let another dog into my home and into my heart. Fortunately for me, at the time this happened, my sons were grown and out of the nest, and my husband felt the same way I did about being "dog-less" for that length of time. But everyone is different in this regard, and I think it's important to recognize and allow for those differences, especially within your own family. Is there any room for compromise here? What would happen if you simply accept the fact that you're not ready for another pup without judging yourself for feeling that way, but if your kids feel differently about it, you could agree to let THEM get another dog or puppy -- with the understanding that you are allowed to feel your feelings without judgment, even to the extent that you'll have little or nothing to do with the new pup, if that's how you need to play it? Then see how it goes? Only you know if that approach would work in your family, but it seems to me that if everyone is open and honest with one another in this situation, there ought to be a solution here that would meet everyone's needs, including your own.

For what it's worth, when my Muffin died I was shattered and absolutely heart-broken. I KNEW I could never, ever love another dog the way that I loved him. But after those ten years went by, we did get another dog, a Tibetan terrier named Beringer ~ and I must tell you that both my husband and I loved this dog more than we've ever loved another creature. We had him for fifteen glorious years of unconditional loving, and I could write a book about how much this dog meant to both of us. (See Saying Goodbye to Beringer.)

When you are by nature an animal lover and you lose the animal you love more than anything, I truly do believe that your heart is big enough to accommodate another ~ I have learned that the hard way, through my own experience. Animals like cats and dogs just have a way of wiggling their way into our hearts, probably because they are so innocent, so in the moment, so willing to give us that brand of unconditional love that we will never get from another human being. But I also think you have to be ready, and willing, and open enough to let it happen. Only you will know when it is time ~ and there is nothing wrong with that. I just think that in a family, it's important to make room for the feelings of other members, and we can't expect everyone to feel the same way we do about important matters such as this. That's why I encourage you to consider how you might reach a compromise with your husband and kids about their wanting to get another dog . . .

Meanwhile, I hope that both of you know you are not alone in your sorrow, because here we do understand and honor the magical relationship that exists between animals and their people, and you have our deepest sympathy.

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Oh Melissa, what a very sweet idea, getting her paw print tatoo! Dogs are just the most amazing creatures, so sweet and loving, how could Lola not mean the world to you! We understand, all of us here are dog lovers. It's easy to see how she stole your heart and will never be forgotten. Hang in there.

What you are going through is grief and it is a natural part of the cycle of life and loss. It takes much time to adjust to profound grief such as you are feeling, but it can be gotten through. Just breathe, take a day at a time, and don't forget to take care of YOU.

Hugs,

Kay

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Dear Melissa,

I'm so sorry about the loss of your special girl Lola. Many here, including myself understand the deep hurt you are feeling. I lost my best friend, my Great Dane, Derby when she was 11. I felt like my heart was literally ripped out of my body. To be honest, 3 yrs later, there are still days I feel that way. What a wonderful idea you had with getting her foot print and having it tattooed on your foot. I wish I had thought of that. :(

My girl is cremated and waiting for me, when we'll be put together and spread at "our special place". (It's on a hillside overlooking a river.) We spent many a day talking and relaxing there...

My vet sent a card to me after she had to be put down. It said "Gone from my side, but not from my heart". I still have the card with a picture of Derby on my fridge.

In the forum on loss of a pet, there's a wonderful series of postings written by a man named Mark. It's called Bickys story. It is such a touching story and it rather validates our feelings on having lost our special friends.

Tracy

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Melissa,

(((hugs)))

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Dear Melissa, my heart hurts for you. I think about you every day.

Marty, I want to respond to what you wrote, but not here, on Melissa's thread. I've started a new thread called Grieving Over My Lost Angel, and have responded to you there.

Shoe

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Thanks Shoe. Today was a rough day. I woke up crying and not even sure I could make it into work. I cried the whole way there. My boss (I can't say enough about how fantastic she is) asked me if I was ok and understood I wasn't my usual 100%. I was able to just perk up enough to get through the day and fake happy. On my way home, all I kept thinking was how badly I miss her and want to be with her again.

I'm really trying to continue with life, but it seems pointless to do anything without having her to share it with. We got the new city tags at work, and I started crying right there (I can normally hold it in or excuse myself). Remembering how every December or January we would get her a new one. I'm pretty sure we still have all of them. It hurts so much.

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I'm glad you posted, Melissa. You are so blessed to work with such good people. And it is impressive that you were able to get yourself to work today, given how hard of a time you were having.

Your life is not pointless. You meant so much to Lola, I know you have value. I know you bring the potential for love into this world. And this world needs as much love as it can get.

I'm praying that January is better for you.

Shoe

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Oh Melissa,

How hard it must be to get those tags and know you won't be needing to buy another one. I'm glad you have understanding people at work. I wish there was a way to circumvent the pain of loss but unfortunately we have to go right through it to get to the other side. My heart and mind are with you today...

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