Christmas This Year

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

Last year I had no spirit and did not even get the tree up and ready for Christmas, This year I signed up for the Christmas pageant at work but I am still finding it difficult keeping the spirit inside of me... I want the spirit but I just feel so low when shopping in the stores and seeing everything change from year to year... You see mother type presents and it makes me cry... I see Zellers closing and I cry because it was a favorite place of my mom and dad's .... It is just like a close friend dying, I see people going into Zellers and all I can think of what a bunch of vultures coming in for the last kill...I see the rain today and it has just depressed me so very much right now too... I just would love to have the spirit right now.... shelley

[kayc]

Shelley,

I find the spirit inside of me, not from outside. This year I aim not to go near a mall, or anywhere near the buying frenzy. My kids are struggling financially so I'll give them $, it'd be much more help than a fondue set or a blanket they don't need. I'm involved in a lot of singing events...I find that restorative. I want to spend some time with a couple of friends, and I'll participate in church activities. I suppose there's no avoiding "memories"...it's been 7 1/2 years since my husband passed away and although I've gotten more used to being alone, I still get hit with memories...esp. as I decorated the Christmas tree last weekend. So many memories. I'm sure it's like that with you as you are reminded of your parents. I try to remember how lucky I was to have had George in my life, some people never have that. I haven't got the good memories of parents, but you do...so for each of us it might be a different relationship that we grieve, but the hole left by them hurts all the same. All we can do is try and fill those voids for ourselves as best as we can and live with the loss...knowing it exactly measures the love we experienced with them.

[LisaAnnB]

Shelley: I can totally relate to what you're going through. My Dad died Oct. 26 this year & I am struggling with the Christmas spirit. I really want to be all happy & perky & all about it, like I usually am but I just can't. I did put up some decorations-but no big tree or any lights & my husband put up some outside lights. I shopped & am baking but it's not the same, not only because I don't have the physical energy for it but the emotional energy too. I cry whenever I listen to Christmas music but have found I've become almost desperate for a spiritual connection & have gone to church [which I haven't gone to in some time]. It's not easing the pain but making me need it more. I think I'm just lucky that my daughter & stepson are grown so I don't have to fake the fun/perky thing with them. Not looking forward to the actual Christmas eve & day at all-Thanksgiving was bad enough as it was. Good luck with your holiday.

[janesangel]

I have always been a spiritual person, and I always found comfort in all things given to me by the Creator.

I prayed all of my life for my true soul mate. Last year he sent John for me to love with my heart and soul. For the first time in my life I felt a heart and soul connection, in a relationship. The love is so deep because of our spiritual connection. A few weeks into the relationship we each thanked God that we met and fell in love. We felt blessed to have found each other.

When he was diagnosed with cancer less than a year after we met we decided to spend more time together and enjoy what little time we had left rather than endure more tests, treatment and hospitalization. We grew more in love each day and thankful for each moment.

When he told me that he had a few weeks to live I was struck with a pain that I never felt before. I heard of deep soulmate love and separation but I never knew how much it hurt until I heard he would be leaving me soon. When his sister called to let me know John had died I was left with questions about why he had to go home so soon.

I spent days crying and asking God why John had to go home so soon. I didn't get any answers but I wonder if this was the greatest test of all. The days John and I spent together felt like years. The minutes like hours. Despite all the ups and downs typical of couples who have spent years together, we still felt this was the most loving and fulfilling relationship that either of us ever had in our lives. It was just a year but it felt like years. We had love and that is all we needed to face anything life throw us.

John told me many times a day, since we met last summer, that he loves me and he is the luckiest man in the world. Our favorite song is 'You and I' by Michael Buble, and 'Oh My Love' by John Lennon.

I still talk to God and I ask the Angels to take good care of John. I believe he is at Peace. I also talk to John each day because I feel in my heart he is in Heaven and wishing I live and be happy like he said. I still hear him say I love you Jane, my angel, my heart, my love.

I go to our favorite places beside the river and lakes and talk to him and tell him how much I love him. I thank God for those beautiful places he created for John and I to enjoy while he was alive. Those places will always be Heaven on Earth.

This Christmas is going to be very lonely without John. We were talking about a honeymoon in Arizona and traveling to visit family and friends sharing the joy of our marriage.

I contacted family and friends to pray for me to give me strength through the holidays. I feel so much better when they pray for me. It doesn't erase the loss and pain but it will make it bearable through the holidays.

I pray for all of us so that we will find comfort, love and support from each other.

Namaste

Jane

[STARKISS]

Well the christmas dinner is over and it was alot of fun believe it or not, the food was amazing and there were some really fun games played... I got up and did the 12 days of christmas toddler style... 1 soggy soother

2 pair of socks

3 teary eyes

4 messy faces

5 yummy refreshments

6 teething rings

7 sippy cups

8 hands clapping

9 runny noses

10 pieces of work

11 dirty diapers

12 smiling faces

I threw into the crowd a new soother, two baby pairs of socks, three sun glasses for teary eyes, four baby face clothes for messy faces, five baby cookies for yummy refreshments, six new teething rings, seven new sippy cups, eight new gloves, nine packages of kleenexes for runny noses, ten foam puzzle pieces for ten pieces of work, 11 new diapers for dirty diapers, and 12 napkins with faces on them for smiling faces...

Got the prize for bravest performance... what an awesome night it was... Got me into the spirit this year finally after last year i did not ever get into the spirit.... shelley

[MartyT]

Wonderful! Another Standing O for Shelley! Hip, hip, hooray!

[mfh]

Shelley,

I think the bravest performance award is right on. I could not have done that. You are amazing, Shelley and I congratulate you.

Peace,

Mary

[kayc]

That is great to hear, Shelley!

And janesangel, that is how George and I felt about each other. I didn't know ahead of time he was going to die, I was just shocked, but I don't think anything prepares you for something like this.

[KATPILOT]

Wow Shelly! That truly did take courage. I had always believed women were braver than men. I guess I was lucky since Kathy and I had just four months to know that she had a problem. It was just a lump in her thigh that turned out to be a monster. We always felt that we would beat it. Even after her six weeks of chemo and radiation at the Mayo, we went to visit her parents in Calgary so she could see them before her surgery as they were not able to travel. While we were up there, she developed a cough and ended up in the hospital only to discover that it had spread into her lungs and she would never be able to leave the hospital again. Still we needed to get back to the Mayo hospital here in Phoenix because we kept thinking they would have some experimental idea to save her. I will always remember when her doctor up there came in to tell us that any chance she might have had was passed. She needed to decide where she wanted to be at the end. Kathy just said okay. she never felt sorry for herself and as she always said, "it is what it is". I remember the doctor with tears in her eyes told Kathy that she had never seen someone as brave. Even on the air ambulance flying home, she smiled. That is courage my friends. I so wish I had it too.

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

I have had such a horrible December except for the concert this christmas season has been nothing but heartache for me... I lost my camera and the camera card too... I can not afford to buy another one... I love scrapbooking but can not do that without a camera...

I hate this time of year I feel so low and do not even want to put up any decorations I just do not care anymore....

[MartyT]

Shelley, dear ~ I'm pasting my personal message here, too, just to be sure you've seen it:

I'm so sorry to learn that you've lost your camera ~ That has happened to me twice, including all the photos that I had stored on them, and both times I was heartbroken. I do understand how much it hurts. It is a loss, and it is worthy of grief. I am so sorry . . .

I also understand your reaction to what happened in Newtown, CT earlier this month. (See my blog post, A Christmas Message from My Heart to Yours.) I think we're all having an especially tough time finding any "Christmas spirit" this year, Shelley. All I can say is that we all need to find a way to be nicer to one another. That is what I love about this place, our Grief Healing family. This place is all about loving one another and showing kindness, understanding and compassion toward one another. It is our safe place to land when we have no place else to go. You know that you are always, always welcome here, and you'll always be met with loving, open arms.

I know that scrapbooking is something you enjoy so much. I also know that you're on Facebook. Have you ever heard of Pinterest? It's similar to scrapbooking, but in a virtual sort of way. I think if you tried it, you might find it to be quite enjoyable. Here is a link that explains it better than I can: What Is Pinterest?

I started using Pinterest several months ago, and I find it to be quite relaxing and even fun. You'll find my Pinterest "boards" here: http://pinterest.com/griefhealing/

Take care, Shelley dear, find a place to keep Christmas in your heart, and know how very much you are loved.

Sending you love and light, and wishing you peace and healing,

Marty ♥

[mfh]

Hi Shelley,

Oh, I do know the pain of losing a camera. One year when I was visiting my sister who lives near the ocean, her now 37 year old daughter, then 2 years old ran (on a cold winter day) toward the water. I raced after her and got her just as we both were ankle deep in icy ocean December water. My camera was in my pocket and then...in the salt water of the ocean. I watched it sink and knew it was all over. All the pictures and an entire camera gone. I am so sorry you lost yours and that December has been so awful. I am just so sorry.

I do think you might like Pinterest, as Marty suggested. I am also on it as are a couple others from the forum. I find on the evenings, when I am too tired to read or paint and TV is boring or I am just sad that working with Pinterest distracts me from my pain a bit and allow for the expression of feelings or pieces of me, Let me know if you decide to go for it.

Peace to your heart,

Mary

[kayc]

Shelley,

I am sorry, for all of the things you are feeling, and for the loss of your camera & camera card. I wish I was better at taking pictures. My son just gave me a quick lesson yesterday but am not sure how much I will remember now that he's left. I hope you can get another one soon.

You aren't alone in your feelings this year. Marty said everything so well in her post to you. I do think you might like Pinterest if you tried it. Do you have any of your pictures on line that you could download? Are there any you have emailed to people you could recapture?

The pictures you hold in your heart will continue to be there long after the paper ones are lost to you. I hope today brings a pleasant surprise to you.

You're in my heart,

Kay

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

I am trying so hard to have christmas spirit this year but it is just so hard for me today...When I lost the camera card I lost every picture of Chelsea I had.. it is like losing her all over again I miss her so very much and now except for memories I have nothing left of her and it is like she was never here anymore... I am presently crying and the tear drops are falling on the screen so I am going to finish my cry..shelley

[STARKISS]

No one understands here , it tearing me apart inside and no one cares....It is not just a camera lost it is everything I care about too... Chelsea who is dead and her pictures were all I had and they are now gone forever too... I am heartbroken all i do is cry and cry... the children got cameras this year and it just kills me to see anyone right now... shelley

[Kavish]

HI Shelly,

God has given us a great way to preserve others memory. In our hearts and mind. Chelsea is with you and saying thank you. She wants you to be happy because today Jesus Christ is born. Chelsea says Jesus loves us all and no body is alone. Have faith, you are Shelly, who is loving to all of us here. Take care today on Christmas day and new dawn will arise.

Kavish

[kayc]

Oh Shelly, I'm so sorry, I didn't realize you didn't have any of your pictures elsewhere, I totally understand why you're so upset! A new camera doesn't replace the ones you lost. I have a friend whose house burned down and she lost all of her pictures, and those are the things that are hardest to lose, you can buy a new couch but the pictures you forever miss. Have you sent any pictures of her to anyone that could copy them for you or send you the original back? I'm so sorry, combined with Christmas it is really hard. I'm sorry it's so quiet here today, it gets like that on holidays, I don't think because no one cares so much as everyone else is struggling to make it through the day too, everyone here has grief and loss they're trying to get through.

I'm not a picture taker, I'm just not good at it, I'm always too busy living life to take time to document it, so I don't have much pictures to lose, and I know someday I will regret that. I've tried capturing pictures of Arlie when he sits and smiles with his eyes closed, but I can't ever seem to get it and I know when his time comes I am going to wish I had a picture of him like that. My heart goes out to you, I wish there was some way I could make you feel better, please know that there is someone who cares.

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

I had twenty three members of my family all in the same house and this has not happened for 7 years... I had no camera to remember this day either, I would have loved to have pictures to remember this day... I am just so upset still about losing my camera and all the pictures of chelsea my one and true friend... shelley

[kayc]

Shelley,

Did any of the other 23 family members take a picture that you could get a copy of? 23 in one place, I have not ever had that many family members together at one time, that is quite a feat!

[STARKISS]

Another rough New Year's Eve for me, I found out that the brother who lived with Chelsea and where Chelsea's body is in a grave is selling his house and now no pictures except the one I use for my picture, and now I won't be able to sit at her grave either... I am so upset that I will not be able to sit and talk with her especially when I am having a very rough time right now... shelley

[Kavish]

Hi Shelley,

I believe that Chelsea is always going to be a part of you, in your soul, in your heart and you will never lose her.

Kavish

[LisaAnnB]

Shelley: sending you lots of big hugs right now. People probably do care what's going on but they might be having a hard time showing it & may be afraid to do the wrong thing so they show/do nothing, which isn't right because I'm sure that right now even a hug or a kind word would be good for you. Does anyone ask about her? Ask you to share memories about her [are you ready to do that because it might be tough to do so]?

Share you favorite memory of her with me/us here-I'd love to read them. Even a small one might be a start such as tell me/us 1 of your favorite Christmas memories with her.

[kayc]

Shelley,

That's one of the reasons I dread having to sell my house someday...it's where my husband's ashes are scattered and my pets are buried. Lots of memories...it's hard. (((hugs)))

[STARKISS]

well atleast one thing this christmas went okay, I received a scrapbook full of Chelsea's pictures... It is my favorite gift in the whole entire world.. shelley