Merry Christmas

[HAP]

Dear friends,

Another year is drawing to a close. This is my third Christmas without Jane. I woke up this morning thinking about what today and tomorrow might have been like--but it will be what it is.

But I am truly thankful for all of you--and for this community of souls. Our griefs may be separate and leave us feeling particularly alone at this time of year. So many of us find ourselves surrounded by couples who are caught up in their own joys and heartaches--and would surrender a great deal to have even the heartaches back.

Gradually we fill our lives with new friends and new work. But none of it fills the emptiness in the bed beside us or the empty place at the table--the silenced voice that we hear and cannot hear.

This place is our sanctuary. We can hear each other's words and know so well what each of us feels. There is a joy in that--even in our grief--that surpasses understanding.

As the sun turns North again and the lights festoon the trees in so many houses in celebration of birth and rebirth, let us take some solace for our losses in the community that is us.

Merry Christmas to us all--and God bless us, every one.

Peace,

Harry

[enna]

Thank you, Harry, for your message. Three years, two years, one year, and only months – it all hurts so much. For me on Christmas Day it will be seven months that my JIM died. It seems like only yesterday and then again it seems like forever. I have come to not like the 25^th of anything. I’m sure it is the same for anyone celebrating a death anniversary no matter what the date.

I too have to say how thankful I am for all of you. This forum has been a lifeline for me. I come here when I start feeling alone knowing that there will be caring, kind souls to listen, but more importantly to understand.

So many of you have gone through your ‘firsts’ and somehow find a way to say just the right thing to those of us who are working through ours. One thing I have found since I’ve been here is that tears flow easily and kind words help to heal.

We are a strong bunch and this place only proves it. Joy is in each one of us and we manage to always give a little to each other.

From my heart to all of yours peace, happiness, and eat chocolate. Anne

[mfh]

Harry, a lovely message. I so agree about this group. I think it saved my skin a while back and where else can a grieving spouse go 24/7 and express, share, vent feelings to a group of people who "get it", have been there and who really care?

To all of you,

I share one of Bill's and my favorite poems...and one that I put in his funeral booklet and which also acknowledges the love and life we were all blessed to share with another very special person. I wish you all a growing sense of meaning and peace as we walk into 2013 supporting each other. Peace, Mary

i thank You God for most this amazing

e.e. cummings

i thank You God for most this amazing

day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees

and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything

which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,

and this is the sun's birthday; this is the birth

day of life and of love and wings: and of the gay

great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing

breathing any--lifted from the no

of all nothing--human merely being

doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and

now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

[enna]

I really like e.e.cummings, Mary. That is a favorite poem of mine also. We are indeed blessed to have had the love of one very special person.

Christmas Eve – One of my grief friends suggested that I post this on the forum for perhaps others have experienced a similar situation. I sent this in e-mail to a few of my grief friends who ‘get it.’

I am reading an e-mail from one of my UK friends at almost 6:00 PM USA time. Peace is truly what is needed at this time of year. I almost hate to be negative at this time for I am remembering what the real meaning of Christmas is to me. I have meditated already on this Christmas Eve. I have tried to be in the moment. I am ready for tomorrow’ s dinner with the family.

It will be a distraction and I will be glad to not be alone for a few hours. I agreed to have a small dinner at my house on Christmas Day – family and a friend of JIM’S.

Something very painful happened to me this afternoon. A friend from across the Street (we have all known one another since 1999 when we had our homes built) called to wish me a Merry Christmas. She knew what my plans were for today and tomorrow. They really DO NOT get it. She told me that they were going to a party at a neighbor's house two doors away. I had not been invited. She knew this. What I don't understand is WHY she told me that almost all my neighbors were going to this party except me. I cried so hard. I don't know why it just made me feel so alone. It just made me sad since I knew everyone and NO ONE called to wish me a Merry Christmas or ask if I was invited to the gathering. I am the only one who does not have a partner this year. How sad. I really don't blame people but WHY can't they understand that we are lonely and could use the company at this time in our lives?!! Or just don't tell me what they are doing!!!

I have plans for this evening. I will watch YA YA Sisterhood and Mama Mia just for fun. I will drink wine and eat chocolates. If I'm still awake I'll watch Happy Feet - one of my JIM’S favorite dvds. I will go to bed sometime tonight or pin on Pinterest! Tomorrow is another day.

I'll see my daughter and grandchildren in January for I plan on going in to IL for a few weeks after the holidays.

I hope to meet up with one of our forum members who lives a short distance from where I’ll be. I think I still have a warm coat and a pair of boots for the cold and snow! My blood is too thin to spend too much time in the cold outdoors now after all this AZ sun.

Marty's post today was inspiring. She always knows how to bring tears to my eyes! I love the forum. It is my 'go to' place when I am feeling like I need someone to understand me. Again, I say thank you for being with me during these difficult days.

I do not want to think about the date - the 25th!!! JIM died on May 25th so the date is sooo hard for me. I will no doubt be awake at 4:00 am as always.

Something just wakes me up and I cry HARD. My JIM died at this time here in our home where he wanted to be. I really miss JIM tonight. It is so very hard to claim your own grief. I want to give it away. I know I have to learn to live my own grief so it does not consume me. I am just so afraid that life will never be good for me again. I want to be positive but it is so hard. Anyway, by 8:00 PM AZ time on the 25^th I would like to be alone - family gone and quiet. Have peace and know I am thinking of our forum friends. Anne

[mfh]

Anne, I am glad you posted this. I am so so sorry it happened. It is truly amazing and my guess is, based on stories I hear repeatedly, you were the only single and probably their fear of what to say or not say. You are bigger than this but that does not take away the hurt and rejection and aloneness. Truly amazing.

It has been a quiet evening here also. Jim, my brother, does not initiate any conversation and when I try I get one word answers or grunts. I am so unused to this. This is the LAST time I will allow this to happen. I would rather be alone.

Again I am sorry for the added hurt and pain on an already painful night. I hope tomorrow is better. We will go to one of my good friend's for dinner in the afternoon and stop to visit some others on the way. There will be 7 at dinner...it will actually feel good. Jim leaves Wednesday a.m.

This rejection is theirs to carry...their fear or selfishness or whatever motivated their decision is theirs to live with.

Peace,

Mary

[kayc]

My eyes could not read the poem so I enlarged it and I had to look up the word illimitably so I looked up it's meaning...I want to repost it here as it spoke to my soul. Mary, you and Anne have such a knack of finding just the right treasure to share with us!

i thank You God for most this amazing

e.e. cummings

i thank You God for most this amazing

day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees

and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything

which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,

and this is the sun's birthday; this is the birth

day of life and of love and wings: and of the gay

great happening illimitably [incapable of being limited or bounded : measureless] earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing

breathing any--lifted from the no

of all nothing--human merely being

doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and

now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

Oh Anne, you must have been having the same kind of day as I was. I am sorry they didn't invite you and sorry someone chose to open her mouth and tell you, that was so thoughtless and insensitive. I don't think people mean to be cruel, but rather are just thoughtless. I had a time like that yesterday too. So many on FB were writing about how they were praying for snow, let it snow, blah blah blah. I have had three power outages this month, spent much of yesterday and the day before shoveling snow until I was drenched in sweat, had to call off my plans for lunch with a friend because of it, and may be alone today because of it. I wrote that snow isn't just pretty but causes power outages that cause problems for those on breathing machines and oxygen, causes downed phone lines for those that are alone and elderly, causes wrecks, falls, loss of heat, canceled plans, etc. Well someone wrote back and called me a Grinch twice and personally attacked me and said it's not all about me, and said I should call the county (which I had, but they hadn't been out to plow for several days) not tell the world (world? It was just my FB friends!). I had relatives calling me and asking me who this mean person was! I deleted the thread, not wanting anyone else to be upset by it, and sent her a personal message. I received a nasty message back from her this morning. I did what I've never done before, I unfriended and blocked her. I don't want such negativity on my FB wall and don't want to wonder when she'll launch another personal attack. I was shocked by it. I was left wondering what it is about this time of year that seems to bring out the worst in people (all of the shootings, etc.)...and then I remembered...it also brings out the best in other people. There are still people that will come to someone's aid, donate to causes, care about people, smile, and say Merry Christmas! So I guess I can't dwell on one unlovely person's sentiment. My post wasn't intended to upset anyone, it was to cause them to think about others, that while they're praying for a white Christmas (and yes, it is pretty!), it causes so much hardship and calamity for others, be careful what you pray for! My 87 year old neighbor is without power and phone right now. Thank God she has a fireplace and wood and friends to help her! I called the power company and the phone company to report her outages. To me this is part of what Christmas is about, the caring, the demonstrating love for one another, the same as God did for us.

I agree, Anne, this is a safe solace to come to and these people here are special to each of us. I, too, thank God for this very special place and for Marty that guides it and makes it possible. And to Harry for his post here...it is weird, but whether this is your "first Christmas without" or your third, or for me, the eighth, I'm not sure it gets "better", their presence is always missed and things today in no way resemble things "before". We get used to it with time but that in no way equates with it being the way we would like it. I see couples everywhere, celebrating Christmas together, while we are alone and no longer have that special person to cuddle and wish Merry Christmas to. The couples of this world cannot possibly know what that is like unless they have experienced it themselves. And I read in "Loss of Love" section where yet another young man has his heart ripped out by his GF breaking up with him following the death of her brother. How merry do you suppose his Christmas will be? My heart aches for those who are suffering today and rejoices with those who are still experiencing the joy of their couplehood. My son and his wife are experiencing their first Christmas today. Unfortunately she came down sick, throwing up, night before last, so I don't think it will go like they thought it might, but gosh isn't that how are lives go! Always the unexpected. Unexpected joys, unexpected hardships. Life doesn't go as we planned.

But I am rambling now. I really want to tell each of you that I am thinking of you today and wish you a good Christmas. I don't know if I'll get to see my daughter and SIL or not, or if I'll be alone, it depends on how much snow comes today. I got my driveway shoveled out yesterday but if we get another foot I don't want them to risk their safety in getting here, at least they have each other to be with. And me, I have my dog and he is well and that makes me happy.

God bless you all...

Kay

[ANC1117]

Merry Christmas to all of my friends here. I am so thankful for my daughter and her persistent personality, the one that jam packs my down time with activities. Yesterday she put together a party for family and friends. Prior to the party we did last minute shopping for each other. While shopping, many memories came to mind and put me in a bit of a sad mood. Just moments before the first guest arrived, while I was getting dressed, I broke down and cried when I looked at Celene's picture. At that time I just wanted to be alone although that was not an option.

This morning when I woke up, I sat at the edge of the bed and look over to the empty side. I spent most of the day thinking about how life will be when Ciara has her own life and I will awaken to an empty house. I thought that maybe being alone at times will help me in some way. I thought how blessed I am to have the friends in my life that keep me from being alone. I thought how confused all my thoughts are.

I look forward to the days when simple things make sense. Best wishes to all of you.

Anthony

[melina]

Hello everyone,

I've not posted here for a long while. I'm still here - doing okay, though still grieving. This is my third Christmas without my husband, 2 years and nearly 5 months since we lost him to cancer. I still can't write that without tears welling up in my eyes.

I know that things are a little easier now than the first Christmas. I don't have that constant pain in my stomach and I no longer have to have Kleenex readily available at all times. I can manage my life and even make a few plans. That doesn't mean I don't miss him. I still have that intense desire to have him here with me, talk and laugh together. I still cry.

This Christmas two of my sons are far away in other countries. The other two plus a daughter-in-law are spending the holidays with me. It's nice having them here, but oddly enough the grief can be even more intense when I'm with my kids. I want so much for their father to be here too, and I can see and hear how much they miss him.

I just want to wish everyone a little happiness, maybe even some joy in the year to come. Or at least some relief from the pain and sorrow. I can't speak for everyone, but I do think it gets easier as time passes. Not great - not like it was when our partners were with us - but easier. Hang in there - we're all going through similar experiences. If I could manage to get this far - so can you. For those who have been on this journey as long as I have, or longer - I admire you for not having given up, for your endurance and tenacity.

Yesterday morning my eldest son and I went for a walk along the beach, in the snow. We climbed up onto a hill where there is a view of a lighthouse that stands on a small island in the distance. We stood looking at the view, when suddenly there was a flash of light from the lighthouse. I mentioned it to my son. He looked and we saw one more flash. Then nothing. The weather was constant - no clouds - so I couldn't understand why the lighthouse flashed. Suddenly I remembered that we spread my husband's ashes right by that lighthouse, and I wondered if it could be a sign to us.

Many of you may not believe in signs or the hereafter - but I choose to. I think he was sending us a message for Christmas.

Wishing you all just a little more peace in the new year....

Melina

[MartyT]

I choose to believe it, too, Melina ♥

[melina]

Thanks Marty...

[kayc]

Melina, I believe in them too. I only got one, shortly after George died, I wanted a sign that he was alright. When he died, there was a huge thunder & lightening storm with a triple rainbow, it was spectacular. My sister captured it on camera but I lost it when my old computer died and she no longer has it. But about a month later, I was driving and it was a beautiful day and I prayed for a sign, and all of a sudden I looked over, and there was a rainbow...and I knew he was okay. When something extraordinary occurs like a rainbow during a storm or a beautiful day, it's just all the more confirmation to me.

I'm glad you weren't alone at Christmas.

And Anthony, your thoughts make perfect sense to me.

[mfh]

Melina, so good to see you here and catch up. Glad two of your sons got home for Chrstmas.

I am flat on my back with the flu...pretty sick. It is going around and I have been fighting it for a few days and lost the battle yesterday. I will write more when I feel better.

Peace

Mary

[Cosel]

Melina, This is my third Christmas without my husband also. It's been 2 years one month and 12 days since he passed, also of cancer.

I agree with you that it is a little easier now than two years ago. I don't cry every time I say his name or some one mentions him. l still have no joy in life yet, but I hope some day soon there might be a little happiness.

I'm so happy that you had a message from your husband on Christmas. I want so badly to have some sign from mine, but I don't think I have yet.

Hopefully the new year will bring all of us a little more peace, joy and happiness on this long journey we have been on.

Cosel

[kayc]

Mary,

Sending warm thoughts your way, I hope you recover quickly, flu is no fun!

[teny]

wishes from far away to all of you .6 years is a long time but .........not so long when your heart is emty and finds no joy when the hollidays are here. love Teny

[LarrysGirl]

Melinda, it was nice to see your post and here about your family and I absolutely know you got a "message". Mary, I'm so sorry ot hear you have the flu, please take care and get well soon. Teny, the holidays have no joy for me either anymore. Deborah

[melina]

Hi everyone - nice to "see" you here again.

Kay - rainbows are amazing signs. How was your Christmas this year?

Mary - sorry to hear you've been sick with the flu. Have you been sick throughout the holidays? Hope you're feeling a little better.

I guess at least you didn't have to pretend to be "merry". But of course, it would have been better to feel well.

Cosel - I guess signs are up for interpretation. It depends on how you look at them. If you believe in signs - there may have been many you may have overlooked.

Others, I suppose, will say that there are rational explanations for everything. But we don't have to listen to them.

My warmest wishes to all of you for a better "next year"....

Melina

[kayc]

Hi Melina, My Christmas was okay. I had my daughter and SIL up for about four hours, then watched Marlie & Me. How was yours?

Mary, I hope you're feeling better by now!

Teny, it's hard to believe it's been this long for us, I hope things continue to get better, it seems like it's just stayed the same for so long.

[HAP]

Melina,

It is good to hear from you. I think you have had your sign. Glad to hear your sons came home for Christmas. Be well.

Mary,

Sorry to hear about your flu. There are lots of them about this year. Hope you feel better.

Peace,

Harry