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Tough Start To My Day


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I woke up after a very restless night and tears were running down my face and falling to my pillow....lots of tears. I had put my iPod in my ear at 4am to help me get to sleep and when I awoke the person being interviewed on the NPR show on my iPod was reading Psalm 23 (The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.... Bill's favorite psalm) which I read to Bill an hour before he died and many other times. I woke up just sobbing and reliving his final days and hour and missing him more than words can begin to say. I do not know how long I had been sobbing. The tears 3 hours later are still falling even after feeding Bentley and making tea. These times happen but I have not sobbed this profusely in a long time. Except for the pain of missing my luv, the release feels needed and good. I know that my long conversation with my friend yesterday opened this floodgate. I saw Bill and felt him and just want him to wrap his arms around me and comfort me as he did so tenderly and to return from that other world which I can not fully share.

I have 9 or so women coming this afternoon for book club and I know I will pull myself together long before that but I also know how much I hurt this morning. I know these times will come forever and it is ok but never feels good as I go through them. The picture is with Cathy and Bill in happier days. post-14525-0-27070900-1358342292_thumb.j

Mary

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I am so sorry that the beginning of your day has started off in this way. I like the picture. Psalm 23 is such a beautiful psalm.

I am learning that tears are good for us. They will just make us stronger. Funny how all of our deepest, beautiful memories of the ones we love bring so many tears. Have fun with the book club. Today I woke up singing 'How Much is That Doggy in the window?' I must remember my camera. I'll carry you in my heart today. Anne

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Mary, my dear, I'm so sorry you had to go through such a rough time this morning, but I so appreciate your sharing that experience with all of us here. It serves to normalize those "aftershocks" that can happen at any time, no matter how long ago the death of your beloved occurred, brought on by any number of "triggers" ~ and they can be quite frightening until we learn from our own experience that they do happen, they pass eventually, and we can and do survive them. That is not to say that they are easy ~ quite the contrary ~ but each time we go through these events, the faith we have in ourselves as survivors grows just a bit stronger. Thank you for sharing, and we'll be thinking of you this afternoon

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Thank you, Anne...can't wait to see the pics of your new pup.

Thank you, Marty, that is exactly why I shared it (in addition to the fact that it felt good, but not essential). I remember so well being thrown by these times and yes, frightened and discouraged. Now at going on 3 years since Bill died, I just expect them to occur and yet they still take me by surprise and they are difficult especially when I wake up in tears and longing for Bill. I know today will be one of those days where I walk about with tears ready to fall and during book club I will ignore them. There was a day when I could not ignore them and would have canceled plans. Though book club would be difficult to cancel. I look at it as Weller says, "walking with grief in one hand and gratitude in the other...forever." I have a friend (the one who broke her shoulder) whose husband died 22 years ago and on occasion, not often, she will call or show up at my door in tears because some trigger took her back to the pain she (and all of us) carry in our hearts forever. I do consider this normal...a new normal for sure but I do not expect less...how could I? Losing a huge part of my heart and soul is never going to leave me without grief. I just want to reassure folks that it does get easier, for lack of a better word.

Just made chocolate chip cookies for today and ate only 1 and will freeze what is left. I am living without sugar...talk about grief!!!! But my joint pain has all but disappeared and my mind is clear...well as clear as an almost 73 year old mind ever gets :)

Peace and love,

Mary

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Hello Mary,

Psalms and Proverbs are my favorite books in the Bible, Glad you shared your story, I have those meltdowns once in awhile also never knowing what will trigger them, I used to fight them back but no more as like you the release feels good in a way.

Those cookies sound good glad to hear things are going well without the sugar, may you continue to feel better.

Take care and peace be with you.

NATS

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Mary, so sorry your day started so hard for you, but I agree that we just need to release those tears sometimes. I have done that several times, awakened with tears, it is a little frightening at first. Psalms 23rd is my favorite also.

I did not know about the sugar thing, have you given up sugar to help the inflamation of the joints. Sounds like it may be working for you. Hope you continue to feel better. It is obvious that you (we) have travel a long distance from the early days, you were able to continue with your plans for today, which shows your strength and growth.

Thank you for sharing.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

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Doing much better now. Mary, I agree, we have come a long way. Am I lonely for Bill? Every single day and many times each day do I hurt? You better believe it. Does the road ahead seem clear? No way. I am still lost. BUT do I wail and sob every day? No. do I cry often. Yes. Have I accepted Bill's death? I believe so with humble and unending gratitude for all we were and all we had and frankly always will have until we meet again. Will the 3rd anniversary be difficult? The anticipation will be the toughest part and I am coming to know that so even that is easier. His birthday has got me, however.

As for sugar. I just quit eating it and my RA (rheumatoid arthritis- very low titer score however) is much better. Inflammation is minimal. When I say sugar, btw, I mean carbs in all forms: white stuff, sugary stuff, high carb veggies..... Fast food ( which I hate anyway) and all soda, diet or otherwise...except ginger ale when sick. I feel better and have worked on this for a while now but getting this sick and not eating anything for close to 10 days helped me a lot in the end.

Peace

Mary

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Mary, I'm sorry your day started like that too. I still have a hard time when I hear George's favorite hymns, etc. I realize I'll always have those tough reminders popping up.

I hope your time with your book club is enjoyable and you don't get too tired.

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Thanks, Kay. Book club is stimulating. The group is comprised of about 10 women. We lost two last year...both wonderful women and friends. We are all getting older but these two were in their 80s. It is a rather intellectual crowd.I do not consider myself an intellectual but I can keep up with them. As a result the books are sometimes not to my liking and I do not read them. These women are active in local politics, ecology of the area...right now the issue is fracking as the WI river is a half mile away. Another is a docent at the art museum. etc. no boring shallow conversation. Today we discuss Atoms and Eden...a series of 20 interviews with outstanding physicists, scientists, theologians, philosophers and more. It is excellent but each interview needs an entire meeting to really discuss. Next month is the book I chose and the group voted for...by Ira Byock on end of life issues. Since I chose it, I lead the discussion. We meet 8 times a year. Choose books in May for the fall. Great group.

Off to the post office. Gray day here.

Mary

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It sounds very interesting, Mary. Some deep discussions ensue, I am sure.

On a separate issue, Just heard Coach Chip Kelly is leaving U of O (Oregon Ducks) for bigger fish...we're all in shock here as we were psyched for the possibility last week but he said he was staying, and now this.

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Well, I am wiped out. Book club did wear me out...but was stimulating. Lots of discussion on where is the mind, what is the mind, what/who is God, is there life after life, are we hard wired for religion and more. I sat with 2 atheists ( when we die, it is over) one of whom is a good friend, 2 agnostics, and others who are wondering/open/asking/. not much room for faith but a great group. I think I was the only one there who believed in life after life with consciousness of seeing our loved ones. Very accepting and warm people who I respect and who respect me. Our discussion ran the gamut...was fun and raised tons of questions. Next month is not Ira Byock...he is in March. Next month is the Elephant Whisperer...a bit lighter but worked its way into today's discussion...I.e. how did those elephants know?

Now for a nap! I have a wake/funeral tomorrow. A friend who was in my Alzheimer's support group (such as it was) lost her husband last Friday. I will not stay for the sit down lunch afterwards. Too much.

Kay, what did you learn about your truck?

Anne, do you have a dog?

Mary

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I was just wondering the same thing...Anne? Are we proud aunts and uncles yet?

Mary, your group sounds very stimulating! Our beliefs aren't ours unless they're questioned! I wish I had someone near me like you, I doubt I could keep up, but it'd be fun trying! :)

My truck is going to cost me roughly $336 for now with another $652 later (unless my son has time within the next few months). Added to the $1000+ at the dentist...whew! I may need to look around the house for some things to sell, ha ha! Nope, not Arlie! :D

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You know, little by little, I'm starting to roll with the punches...I used to cry out to George big time when things hit, and I still do once in a while, but I've noticed I've gotten more used to being on my own. Not that I prefer it, mind you, but it just is what it is. The changes in me are so subtle and gradual as not to be noticed, but I feel the difference. I know George would be proud of me for all that I've gone through in the last several years...but he was prejudiced, he was always proud of me, no matter what. I carry his faith with me and that helps.

Mary, I'm glad your group doesn't try to talk you out of your faith...discussion is great, but gosh, I NEED my faith! If we don't have something better waiting for us after this, don't tell me, I'd rather die in ignorant bliss! Haha...

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No we don't sell our fur babies :) I hope your son has time to save you money. I am sorry you keep getting hit.

Yes, the discussion was really lively. So interesting to see how people think and what they think. We laughed a lot as we attempted to comprehend some of these geniuses. This area is filled with a broad spectrum of people including talent, philosophy, politics, etc. this group has met for 20 years. I joined about 8 years ago by invitation as that is the only way in.

No word from Anne yet. Hmmmmmmm.

I can not tell you how tired I am after a restless night, tearful morning and book club. I was dosing off at 5pm.

Peace and love,

Mary

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There are a couple who lean my way. But the group is quite respectful of everyone's opinion and person. I think I would go nutso if I thought this was it...makes no sense to me.

M

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Hello, my name is Benji. I am a black Schipperke/Poodle. We have had a very long day. I am so glad to be home at last. I came from a pet rescue shelter (arrived there only on the 12th of this month) because my owner could no longer care for me. I am five years young. I love people, get along with other animals and love my new home. When I saw my new mom I knew she was going to take me home. I was right. :) I have been so excited that I'll have to send a better picture when I get used to my new home. Benji

ps - Mom is ready for bed already.

post-15704-0-77624200-1358387419_thumb.j

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He is beautiful and I love the name and he was not at the shelter long at all. I am sure he has no clue where he is but you will love him up and walk him tomorrow and have fun with him. Send more pics tomorrow.

Congratulations, Mom!

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Dear Benji,

Welcome to your new home. You will be well loved. Now climb into bed with your new mom and sleep tight! We are all glad that you are here to help Anne.

Mary

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Benji, Welcome! I see you have your own bed and have found a good home and Mom.

Anne...Congratulations! He is cute, there's something about the black coat that shows off the eyes. I hope you and Benji slept well!

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Well, I opted not to attend my friend's husband's funeral. I went to the church (the wake was there previous to the funeral). It is the same church where Bill's funeral was and we hugged long and hard. She was in my Alzheimer's support group. I remembered standing in that exact place at Bill's funeral with his casket in the aisle. So after we talked briefly I left with tears rolling down my face. I told her I will be there for her when they all leave. Then I stopped to see my friend with the broken shoulder...we talked for about 30 minutes. I have not seen her since before Christmas because of my pneumonia. She is struggling with this, lots of tears and as a widow knows she does not have anyone nearby who is her advocate (that person who held us first in their lives---so very hard) except our circle of friends....which is great but second best. Her kids are all out of state and will do what they can. She has 3 opinions (the first two were opposites and the third left it up to her) and a decision to make by tomorrow re surgery or no surgery and learned her arm will never be the same. She is a watercolorist, a swimmer, and a gardener---so this affects what she loves. This afternoon I have tea here with a neighbor who wants to talk about her husband's new Dx of Alzheimer's. This happens in a small town. So in between all those, I am down. I can tell I am starting to overdo it a little bit so I am backing off for tomorrow and the weekend. I have been VERY careful though, Kay. Testing the waters a little bit too much, however. Back to zero. :) I am aware of how weak I am...big time.

Peace,

Mary

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What?! I don't remember you saying you were going to do all that! Just kidding. You'll know when you've overdone and will back off accordingly. It's hard going to funerals after having lost your husband, isn't it?! It brings back memories. Yet I like to be there for others who go through it. The first few times were really tough though. How is your friend with the broken shoulder doing? My sister says she's doing a little better.

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Yes, funerals are tough...especially when they are in the same church and the same cause. I did not stay...but the ten minutes I was there was sufficient to turn on the faucets.

My friend with the shoulder break is in a quandary about whether to do surgery or not. She is grieving some as she is also alone (spouse died 22 years ago) and having a complicated surgery means a lack of independence for a while which she has anyway. Her shoulder is in three pieces, one of which is displaced. I am glad your sister is doing better. Bones take a while and from my experience with the healing...it hurts also. A good friend just called (in my Local Color art group) and we went through our group of 7 and out of the 7 a total of 6 of us have had tough years (cancer, deaths, falls, serious financial stuff following heart attack, flu etc). Aging is a challenge sometimes.

Mary

I know you care and that feels good. I care also.

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Mary, I cannot imagine how hard it was for you to be at that funeral. Isn't it strange how we place ourselves in those situations because of our friendships and care for each other. If only the world could have more people like us. Opps! That did not sound too good - I have to work on humility but you know what I mean.

Broken bones are indeed tough to mend. Even harder as we age (gracefully).

Kay, I think we all have one eye on Mary's activities!!! And I'm glad that your sister is doing better. What has your weather been like? It's been crazy here for a few days with freezing temps in the early mornings - my blood is too thin for all this and besides many plants and trees become damaged - even frozen pipes.

Mary, keep testing those waters but remember to do just a little LESS than what you think is OK. Anne

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My sister has been fortunate to have her husband do everything so it's been easier for her to heal. When I broke my right elbow, I still had to drive a stick shift car to work (50 miles one way), buy groceries and get them into the house and put away, take out my garbage, walk the dogs, and figure out what to eat when I couldn't open cans or chop food. I still had to dress myself, clean house, do my job and go to job interviews. All this when I couldn't even get my Rx bottles open! My bones displaced 3 mm from all of the activity and the exercises the emergency room doctor assigned me. BAD advice! My sister held still for three weeks and is now doing exercises for which she can't sleep now because of the pain. But I'd have to say she fares much better than your friend who is alone. Does your friend have pets to take care of? If she could have the surgery and then go to a rehab center or have someone stay with her for a month, she'd probably be okay. This living alone stuff is the pits sometimes!

Mary, you asked about my truck, they replaced the rear U-joints for $200. They say I need my wheels packed and possibly bearings replaced for another $650. I'm going to wait on that until better weather and see if I can find someone to do it cheaper. I already have more $ into my truck than I could ever sell it for, I still have to pay off the $900 tires I bought. Anyway, I'll pick it up tomorrow.

Anne, the nights have been in the teens, getting down to 11 a couple of nights, and the days in the 20's. It's just now starting to "warm up" to 20's at night and 30's in the daytime. Last night I walked Arlie in freezing temperatures and it felt balmy! :) I've been driving the 50 miles to work on ice all the way. A car went over the embankment (Hwy. 126), which is steep, on the way in this morning, it probably rolled. I like the rare days I can work from home!

Even though you didn't stay for the funeral itself, Mary, I know how unsettling it feels just to be there the time that you were. It just brings it all back and it's hard to watch our friends go through it.

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You guys are something else...keeping an eye on my activities. Anne, I guess the beauty of our broken bones is....they do heal. Amazing bodies we have.

Kay, I remember when your elbow was broken...and I do appreciate doing all those things for yourself. When I broke two fingers and tore my rotator cuff in 2010 I remember trying to get dressed among other things. Not fun. I am glad the truck is getting fixed with less expense and hope the rest can also be repaired for less than the estimate. Not fun worrying about money. Yes, it was tough pulling up to the church, which is just around the corner, and seeing the same hearse that carried Bill's body and all the cars there and then walking in and seeing the casket and seeing Joan right where I stood almost 3 years ago...she was seated but when I stepped up she stood up and just hugged me for the longest time and I her. She was saying, "I know you know". I also know she will hardly remember today. At 3pm my neighbor, a woman my age (I know her daughter...a local professor) came and we talked for 2 hours. I had never met her. She asked about doing some counseling with me but I told her I did not feel I was ready yet to help someone in treatment who is dealing with Alzheimer's but would be happy to chat with her from time to time as a friend. I do have 2 clients now (my goal is just 5 over time) but neither have lost a spouse and somehow I do not feel ready to deal with that and be fair to the client or to myself..so she and I will just chat once in a while. She is not the kind to abuse that and I told her I would not let her. She wept with gratitude to talk to someone who gets it. I can see the road ahead for her. I urged her to get help in. She has a grief counselor in Madison but somehow wanted me but I am just not there. Oh, how we all know that feeling of talking to someone who KNOWS. I received as much as I gave today as I got out of my pain, my self while also using my pain. I am not used to focusing so much on me. I am sort of sick of me :)

Take care friends,

Mary

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