A Sad Day

[mfh]

I just got a call from a very close friend (she was here with me on the evening Bill died and came many times in the middle of the night when I needed help with Bill during care giving days and so much more...(another Kathy in my life-not the Cathy that I have spoken about). Bill used to ask me to please specify which C/Kathy I am referring to (after he started having cognitive troubles) as there are several but two are closer than the others.

She and her husband are taking one of their three cats, Buster, in this morning to "be released to his new world" as she said. She said she does not think he will associate with the four cats Kathy has lost over her lifetime because Buster likes being the ONLY cat. Then she is coming over here while her husband goes to set up for his band's musical performance scheduled at the General Store today. So I will go with her to the GS later. Kathy has no children. These 3 cats ARE her children. One of them, Bumby, sat in the Humane Society for 2 years because he lost a leg and no one wanted him. Kathy saw his picture/story in Walmart, drove to the Humane Society and brought him home. Bumby and I are tight. He is an incredible cat and gets around as if he had 4 legs. Buster has been failing for a while and we knew this day was coming. Joe is the third cat and I do not know him too well as he hides a lot. So today will be a tough day for Kathy (and me) and I am honored to help her as she walks through this as she is a fairly private person with her feelings. There will be tears shed by all of us.

Right before Bill died, Kathy gave me the manuscript from her second novel (which the publisher was printing at the time-she is an award winning novelist) hoping that my reading it would distract me a bit and help me. She reminded me at the time that NO one, but NO one had seen it and no one would see it until it was published. I still treasure that gift. It was just her way of reaching out in a unique and special way. The timing of walking through death with Kathy 10 days before the anniversary of Bill's death makes today a more vulnerable time for me. Kathy's husband lost both parents in the last year and Kathy's dad is on borrowed time... so death is no stranger to either of us.

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry, Mary ~ but what a loyal and precious friend you are. Your Kathy is fortunate to have you in her life, and at her side at such a difficult time, and I'm sure she is well aware of that. You and she and Buster are in my thoughts today . . . ♥

[mfh]

Thank you, Marty.

I feel honored that Kathy (and Rob) turned to me. It is an honor. I seem to be doing this more often (with friends and even strangers experiencing loss) since Bill died.

Mary

[enna]

It is a calling, dear Mary. One that you answer to so beautifully. I am sorry for this sad day in your life. Anne

[mfh]

Well, I know I feel very humbled to be called on at these delicate and sad times. Thank you, Anne. I am waiting for Kathy but suspect she will stay with Rob for a long while until he has to leave to set up. Mary

[kayc]

Mary, saying up prayers for Kathy today, and you as you are there with her. I know how that stirs up the emotions when you've suffered loss as well, so I hope it goes okay for you. It is so hard to lose any of our pets. I know from my experience that each relationship we have with them is different and some are even harder to lose than others as we relate to them in different ways. My George cat was probably my hardest cat to lose, he was always there, always greeting us. It's amazing how tightly they worm their way into our hearts. You are a special friend to her!

And now I must walk my Arlie and then get ready to go visit my friend who is home from the hospital now, and take her to lunch.

[feralfae]

Dear Ones,

So far today, as I read about the losses we come to know as a part of life, I am touched with the compassionate voices here.

Mary, you have a wonderful and loving heart. I learn from reading your posts. I learn more about compassion, healing, listening, and caring. Thank you.

Kay, I hope you have a happy walk with recuperating Arlie, and I hope the visit with your friend is happy and hopeful, and filled with love.

Anne, You express yourself beautifully, and with warm compassion. Thank you.

Marty, you know how to always say the right words to warm hearts when sorrow touches us. Thank you.

I delight and savor how well words of love are crafted here.

Off to check the bread, change laundry, put away cleaning supplies, and build a fire against the lowering temperatures as the clouds come scuttling across the Divide...

*<twinkles>*

fae

[Wifflesnook]

Mary I am so sorry about your friend's beloved cat. She is lucky that you will be there for her. Jan

[ShanN]

Oh Mary, I'm so very sorry for this loss. But humbled by the immense support you have for your friend and others.

Our "fur babies" ARE indeed our children. I had a beloved princess kitty, Silver, who I thought I was prepared to set free but quite honestly nothing prepares you for that grief.

(((((Big hugs))))) to you and your friend.

[mfh]

I am back home. Kathy and I sat and shared, cried, talked Kathy and I talked about her cat's deteriorating days. He was down to 6 pounds and they were doing IVs so it was time. Then we talked about death, loss, etc. and then went over to the General Store where her husband and his group (Better Daze-4 talented guys ages 60 and over) were playing/singing. Rob is the drummer and just played and looked out the window. He is very sensitive and this cat was more his than Kathy's. The place was packed and if I do not know someone it is the exception and when I introduce myself to those few I don't know..they say..."aren't you the Voice of the River Valley?" I smile. I guess I will always be the Voice. Bill and I spent a LOT of time at the GS...I walked the owner through a divorce last year (as a friend) and the death of her cat a few months ago-actually was in the room with her). People reached out to Bill there and he felt comfortable going in there until he got worse. Long story short.. I rarely go in there anymore...sooo many memories. I don't mind eating lunch there with a friend but on the weekends everyone in town is there on a day like today and it is very difficult. I knew it would be. Bill and I did not ever stay long on a music day because if I do not like loud noisy music, Bill did not even call it music. It was clear to me that Kathy did not need me to be there as she was able to sit with the wives of the band guys. I stayed 45 min., had a bowl of soup and said good-bye to everyone. I went across the street to my friend's tea house/gallery which was not busy and we sat and had tea. By the time I got there, the tears were running down my face. She embraced me, held me, no questions asked, and we sit down for tea. She is the person I spent last year's anniversary with and today she asked me my plans and said she would keep the day free. She is recovering from breast cancer/radiation and still dealing with issues with that...so we talked about that and about Bill and the General Store scene, and we could both be ourselves and said so. And it was quiet. Bittersweet day so far. Walked home, took Bentley for a walk, fed him and here I am...with tears flowing. I am so raw and vulnerable these days...it takes so little to set me into tears.

And now I shall check the rest of the topics and my email and respond to all of you and others. Thanks for being here today. It means a lot to have a place right now to just unload. Peace, Mary

[mfh]

Jan, thank you. It all goes around and around. She has been there for me, I have been there for her and around we go over and over. Her father will die soon...the doctors are scratching their heads not knowing why he is alive yet. So more is coming and always will.

Mary

[Wifflesnook]

Mary I know so well what you mean about going to places that you and Bill went together. The trouble is when we were a couple that was everywhere I would be going now, or almost and it's so hard it's almost unbearable. I'm thinking of you especially this month. It was also special for me as its about the time that my fight for Pete to come home was successful and he came. I kept a diary which was mainly times when I fed him through the tube, times I has to give him suction, when he slept, when he coughed. I can't look at it so I don't know the date he came home. It's far far too painful to revisit the details, but overall it was good that I got him home after so many months in hospital. I'm still veering away from thinking he is dead though. Still. Whenever my mind approaches it it steers itself away. And when I talk to him I tell him he isn't dead. This seems a bit unhealthy (or would if it were anyone else) but it is what it is. I'm still taking things easy. I don't think my bp is high though I haven't taken it and probably should do. My cold is better but I am still so tired. I walk the dog twice a day and not much else. I'm making a birthday cake for Ellie today and taking it to Leeds on Thursday. We are having the party on Sunday. Pete made cakes for every occasion so this is hard. Most things are hard but we soldier on. I send my hugs to you at this difficult time of the year and my thanks. Jan

[mfh]

Jan, I think it is wonderful that you are digging into Pete's birthday cake closet and making your grand a birthday cake and then driving over to celebrate her life. One day at a time, Jan, and you are doing it. Peace, Mary

[kayc]

My visit with my friend did not go as I'd anticipated. She looks very tired and weak and is having dizzy spells. They can do nothing for her heart other than increase her medicine, so I am very worried about her. I also got the news that another friend was diagnosed with bone cancer, we took a fruit salad over to his house as his family is all visiting, and I was shocked at how quickly he has deteriorated. It reminded me of the days of take care of mom (my MIL), brought back/stirred up a lot of feelings/memories. Went home feeling kind of melancholy and bless her heart, Anne called, very timely!

[mfh]

Kay, I am so sorry that your friends are doing so poorly. I do know it opens wounds as you also feel sadness about the possible loss of these friends. All of these emotions running rampant in our body/mind/hearts are exhausting....and you have had a tough week (month, year) so do take it easy today. Glad Anne called you. How lovely.

Peace,

Mary

[feralfae]

Dear Kay,

What a difficult day for you! How loving and caring of you, however, to reach out and comfort and help. Just like you, of course. How is Arlie doing?

*<twinkles>*

fae

[Queeniemary]

My dear Mary, So sorry for the sad day, for your friend Kathy and you. Saying goodby to a sweet animal is always so hard. My brother sat and cried a little this weekend over the telling of having to put their dog to sleep months ago. He really loved the dog, and could not bring himself to take him, my sister in law took him in to the vet. I have had to do that with several cats since Mike died. It is like losing a part of him all over, as he was crazy about the cats. I am not sure what I will do when it is time for one of my corgi girls to go.

I know your three year anniversary of Bill's death is this month, I could not find the date. I just know it is this month, and wanted to let you know that you are on my mind. Tom, my friend who lost his wife 4 months before Mike died, and I tried to tell My brother and his wife what losing a spouse feels like. They sympathize, and empathize, but as my brother said, "all I can do is imagine how terrible it will be, and won't really understand until it is Joyce or I". He is right. Denny and Tom go way back to high school, and it was a good weekend of catching up, and remembering things. Sister in law Joyce is such a good cook, I think I gained 5 pounds!!

Thinking of you, I know things are very close to the surface right now.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[mfh]

Saying goodby to a sweet animal is always so hard. I am not sure what I will do when it is time for one of my corgi girls to go.

I know your three year anniversary of Bill's death is this month, I could not find the date. I just know it is this month, and wanted to let you know that you are on my mind.

Thinking of you, I know things are very Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

Mary, Thank you. I agree that any thought of losing your corgi girls or my Bentley just is beyond my holding for more than 3 seconds. Bentley is now 9 1/2. Goldens live from 12-14 years so I know we are in the ball park. He sleeps a lot more now than he did even a year ago but I, like you I imagine, choose not to think about it.

Bill died on March 27, 2010 and yes my feelings are very close to the surface. It takes nothing, absolutely nothing, to turn on the faucets. I relive, remember, and watch the movies my mind projects onto the walls of my heart. I do not remember what the weather was during the last week of his life. I know his burial day was sunny with blue skies and huge clouds...I remember seeing them as we drove to the cemetery and thinking how he would love those huge clouds. Today it is snowing...started early around 5am and will go all day. It is soothing to me while most are sick of this very very long winter. I have found it soothing. Spring feels like a very vulnerable time for me. Thank you for your thoughts and understanding. I also think it is great that your brother and spouse recognized their inability to comprehend the loss of a spouse. Thank you, Mary

Peace,

Mary

[Wifflesnook]

I found some candles in an envelope in Pete's special baking cupboard & I'm using them on Ellie's cake as I think Pete would want. Struggling with neighbours to put together a Little Tyke car for Ellie's birthday meant I had to go into Pete's shed looking for tools. Ended in floods of tears for me. An emotional day.

[feralfae]

Dear Jan,

How wonderful to have the light and love of those candles for Ellie's cake. What a wonderful way to remember Pete, and to share some of his happiness again. Birthday candles! A symbol of continuity and hope. I think you were meant to find them right on time for this cake.

I am so sorry for your pain and sense of loss. I am glad you were able to release an entire flood of tears. We need emotional days to let the emotions shift, heal, and reconcile, I think. When I sob now, or wail, I consider that I am giving myself the gift of healing, rather than seeing it as an indulgence in emotional outbursts, which is how many of us were brought up, I think.

What a difficult task to face, picking up their tools! I did not even look around on Doug's tool bench and work area for ever so long. As I am sure it is with you, there were just too many memories. His hands held this, and that. He used this to fix something in the living room. He made my beautiful pot rack using that. He made birdhouses with these. Every tool seemed to hold a memory, just waiting for my attention to open and expand into an entire sequence of events, emotions, actions, and intentions. It was too overwhelming. A few days ago, I found a tall tree log, of a dead pine, out on the far side of the remaining forest. The top had been neatly trimmed away from the dead tree, and most branches. Doug had planned to climb it again, to put up one of his birdhouses, and the branches left near the top were for perches for the feathered residents. He never got that birdhouse made, much less up. But the tree still stands there, ready to be topped with a new home for the local birds.

The memories become easier, and more joyful. Some days, I look at things Doug has made, or fixed, or created, and the emptiness is like a weight on my heart. Some days, sometimes, I can smile at a wonderful memory, and cherish and hold the memory, and there is L*ve, but no pain. I can celebrate the memory, and smile and cherish the remembering.

I send you peace, blessings, joy at your tears.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

Today brings an "end" to a long month. Three years ago today, April 3, 2010, I buried Bill's body at a rural cemetery outside of town. The sun was shining and the clouds were the kind Bill and I used to pull off the road to sit and watch. During his funeral the sun from the skylight shone directly upon his Trappist made casket in the aisle of the church. Friends and family gathered as we read from e.e. cummings, a lovely translation of the Sermon on the Mount and more and as a friend sang In This Life among others.

http://www.allthelyr...ics-318970.html

I don't remember much for the next four+ months and never did I dream that today, 3 years later, I would be feeling hope again; that I would have accepted Bill's death knowing I will be with him again and that I know he is with me today; that I would laugh and find joy in moments and in close real friends, my pup and my art; that I would still see the beauty life holds and presents to each of us every single day....all this even as I have bad days or even (as I just did...an entire month); miss him more than I can put into words; cry often; and still feel a great deal of emptiness. Thanks to so many here and elsewhere for the love and support; the non judgment and the understanding. We all do go on stronger and transformed...changed forever by the gut wrenching pain and the realization of life and death. It does get better, my friends. I type this with tears in my eyes...and that is just as it should be. I walk now with grief in one hand and gratitude in the other...yes, missing my Bill as I always will. Peace to your hearts, Mary

[feralfae]

Dear Mary,

Your journey is eloquently share in your not, and your image of walking with grief in one hand and gratitude in the other rings true, I imagine, for many of us here. Your journey and survival, and your capacity to balance the emotions of love and loss, grief and gratitude, hope and heartbreak within your heart and mind are a guidepost for us all. Thank you.

As I read your posts and watch you journey with grace and love through this time of remembering, I am touched by your optimism and ability to enjoy the moments of the day that touch you with their beauty and friendship, art and companionship.

Emerging from this time of great wonder at the eternal essence of awareness and continuity of life, I hope we are all touched by your words and the promise of Spring. Today is a new day, filled with all that we can see and dream, and it is both comforting and inspiring to hear your heart singing out with the wonder.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

We do share something very sacred this day, dear Mary. Birth and Death - beginning and end - as I do my walk today at the Estrellas I shall be thinking of you and Bill and the journey you have taken together as I remember my life with Jim. Ours ran a similiar path in so many ways. Love is a very powerful thing. I thank you for your kind words and encouragement along my path as you have struggled with yours. We will never know how much this forum has helped so many of us. We will only know that we will continue to be here for one another. I cry right along with you and with no shame for we have learned that tears are healing. Love, Anne

[kayc]

Mary,

My heart is with you as you go through this three year mark, first of his death, then of his burial. I rarely shed tears anymore, perhaps they've been cried out, perhaps I know it won't do any good, at any rate, it's rare. But the pain is with me always, inside my heart. In some ways I think it's increased. I miss him more, if possible, as time goes by. In the beginning it was hard because it was a shock, totally unexpected, and our everyday routines were assaulted. I was used to spending my time with him so when I heard the door open or the phone ring, it hit me afresh. Now that time has passed, I have a new routine, I no longer expect him to call or come through that door. But the missing him part? That seems worse. The habits are replaced with new routines, but the man...he never was. There is no one to hold me, no one to listen, no one to care or look at me appreciatively, no one to assume half the roles or pay half the costs. There is no one to keep me warm at night or bring that special joy to Christmas, Easter, birthdays, you name it. There is no one like my George and I well know it. In the beginning I was in shock and I think that shielded me somewhat...now the shock is long gone and I'm just left with this empty shell of a life. I don't mean to imply there is nothing good to live for, but nothing that compares to him. There are still ocean waves, sunsets, rainbows, and the like. There will be grandchildren someday, there are my pets and they most of all come the closest to our relationship as they love unconditionally and bring so much joy to our lives, but they lack so much about what we shared as husband and wife that even they, as special as they are, do not completely fill that void.

Not only has my life changed but I have changed. I have learned to be alone. I have learned to become self-reliant. I have had to problem-solve on my own. I am strong. I am a survivor. I face old age alone but am not afraid of it, I will face what I must...after all, I have already had to face the worst conceivable thing there is! And I wait. Oh George, please save me a place in heaven and when you greet me, you don't need to say a word, just pull me to you and I will know all is well again.

[mfh]

Everything you said, Kay..in that post above....I could have said and do feel. I do well but I miss him more and more...the emptiness I feel most of the time, the absence of that person to share the tiniest and biggest moments...a companion to share the good stuff and bad stuff. In spite of that, I have absolutely no interest in another relationship. None, Zip. I still feel and always will feel married to Bill...our souls are one forever. I will find my joy and love with those I cherish here, my painting and Bentley and nature, spirituality and music eventually.

I do so agree with you. And I am sorry you miss him so much and that your life feels like an empty shell. I do know empty...not totally empty but yes, emptiness for sure. Love, Mary

Mary