Forever Missed

[Cakes01]

I hope you can tap this picture and see it. He surprised me with a hot air balloon ride. It was on my bucket list. He wasn't perfect, but he was really close and by far the most perfect man for me.

[mfh]

Yes, I do miss Bill...every minute of every day. I have also come to accept his death even as I weep my loss frequently. It is fine for you to talk to any of us about our losses...it is healing for us to share our stories also. Please do not hesitate to mention his name or the names of other spouses.

I understand that sick feeling thinking about another day. I used to explain it as waking up knowing I had to climb Mt. Everest again. Marty posted a quote not long ago that said somthing like this: The thing about grief is that it happens every morning. Yes, waking up is tough...first you don't really want to wake up; then it hits you all over again; and there is no purpose that you can see. Meaning and joy and purpose seem to have disappeared. It took me a long time before I could even fathom meaning and I still am not sure exactly what i want that to be about in my life. I just know I need meaning and purpose. I can live without joy but frankly I have had moments of joy also.

I am sure you are still shocked that he is gone physically. I did not even believe it for the longest time. If you want to share what happened (maybe you dd and I missed it but I looked and did not see that). I know typing is hard as is concentrating so do your own thing at your own speed. When you post, I get an email and will respond as soon as I can.

Are you in the USA?

Mary

[mfh]

It seems impossible to look ahead that far. Even when i think of the morning right now i start to feel sick. The signs some people get give me purpose. I long to connect with Marcus. You must miss Bill so much. I don't mean to make you sad....

I see the picture. How lovely. You both look happy and loving. I know it is soooo painful. I know. I know. You both look young. Well, younger than me. I am so sorry.

Mary

[Cakes01]

I am in the US. I would like very much to tell you my story. You've been so nice to me. We were very happy at times together. We had and i believe still have an incredible connection. I am 37 and he is 39. He gave wonderful hugs! He made my dreams come true. Mainly finding me and showing me that real complete love does exsist.

I don't want to upset anyone, but i guess that's how people feel when talking with me now. I wish they would talk about Marcus. When i mention him they start to talk over me. Even if i cry i want to talk about him. I'm not just another person who knew of him(he knew a lot of people), but knew him. They went all out on the day of the wake and funeral, but what about all tge days after? I will never let him go. He would smile when i said he was my night in shinning armor-my super hero-MM.

[mfh]

I only asked if you were in the US because we do have members elsewhere and the time difference can be 6 hours. What you are running into with others "talking over you". We have all experienced that... You never ever have to let him go. How could you? He will be with you forever. It is a different relationship now because you can't see him but I talk to Bill every day. I write notes to him and I even bought him an anniversary card for our 25th a couple years ago...

Marcus looks like he gives powerful hugs and his making your dreams come true is your gift from him forever. I think all of us have had the gift of knowing true love exists because of the spouse/parnter we lost. That is why we miss them so. It is like part of your heart is gone or shattered. I know.

You can talk about Marcus anytime time here. I want to ask you questions but I know it is hard for you to type so I will post a couple of questions and you respond when and if you choose.

What were his qualities? What was his job? What did the two of you enjoy together besides air ballooning ? How did you meet? How long were you together? That is a start, eh?

Sleep well tonight. I am signing off for the night. They caught that kid in Boston and the country will sleep easier especially those in the Boston area. Peace, Mary

[Cakes01]

Thank you for making me smile tonight sleep well Mary. Only good dreams. Talk more tomorrow.

[feralfae]

Dear Kirsten,

I am one of the story tellers. The stories usually go somewhere.

Almost everything you wrote I could say about my mountain-climbing, sky-diving, solo kayaking, adventurer of a genius husband, Doug. And, although we had made a Plan B, and we both knew the clues, I was almost completely broken after Doug escaped from his cancer-consumed body. Doug escaped 7 February 2012. In March 2012, for reasons I'll go into sometime, I had to fly to Alaska to our other home to deliver papers to someone. My plan was to simply walk out into the winter beauty of our birch forest, and sit under a tree, and sing my last song. I believe that this life is a gift, but I can return for a replacement if that is my slightest whim.

I was staying at the house of some Quaker friends, being looked after by one of our Spirit Sisters. Doug taught her to climb almost 40 years ago. The morning of my first night there, she came running up the stairs to my solitary, look-out sleeping room, and stood over me, trembling. She pointed a shaking finger at me, saying, "I saw you trying to leave your body! Doug said that you must stay in your body. I saw him there, telling you to stay in your body!" This signs and signals keep arriving. I am still here.

So, here I am, 14 months later, and so very thankful that I am alive. Please stay here and talk with us, and let us help you to heal and to want to live life again. It will happen. I promise you that one day, a drop of joy will fall into your heart, and you will smile again. Even if it is sometimes through tears. We are so incredibly blessed to have found and loved with our Soul Mates. We have a lot to celebrate. But first, we must grieve, learn to mourn better, and make this journey through this shadowed Valley.

Thank you for coming to sit by our fire, and to be a part of our Tribe. I am part Sioux, and part Algonquin, so I can say that for us all. We are story-tellers, gathered around this fire, telling our stories, listening to yours, healing each other in the traditions of kindred people all over Mother Earth.

Welcome to our fire. We are blessed by your presence. Thank you.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

I am still here, fae. Sort of wound up following all the excitement in Boston.

You have great blood...native American....mine is Irish (mom's parents were both born in County Cork, Ireland and German (my paternal grandfather) and French (my paternal grandmother). I think our roots are important as they tell us of ourselves. The Irish part of me believes in mysticism, magic, fairies of some sort, as well as being in touch with world sadness. The German part of me is stubborn and organized. The French part...not so sure:)

You probably need to do what i need to do....go to bed....but it is 10pm here.

Sleep well, fae, Kristen, and everyone. I have not heard from Kay today and hope Arlie is ok.

[enna]

Dear Kristin,

I am so sorry for the loss of your Marcus. You will find here that we love having our loved ones names mentioned. I can’t say my Jim’s name enough. It makes me feel good when other people mention his name also. We here on this forum have one thing in common and that is our soulmates are no longer physically here with us. I can assure you that you will not upset anyone by telling your story here. This is a place we come to open ourselves to the love that flows from the people who are going through similar yet unique journeys. There is no judgment here only kindness and understanding. I will be facing my first year without my Jim at the end of next month. We had many years together and would have celebrated our fortieth wedding anniversary if we did not face this separation through death.

You are so young and your loss is so fresh that if there is one thing I’d ask you to do it would be to take care of you. Rest, eat, walk, cry, and do whatever it is that keeps you strong physically. We will walk with you and never tire of hearing whatever you want to share with us.

What a beautiful picture of you and Marcus. Thank you for sharing it. I look for many more posts from you when you feel like being here. Hugs Anne

[feralfae]

Mary is right, and I really need to get to sleep. I mean, MARY is lecturing me. Mary.

But I do feel better when I get enough rest.

Beautiful dreams to Anne, Mary if you are still here, Kirsten, Kay if you stop by, and Jan, good morning to you over there. Everyone else, beautiful dreams to you as well.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

Is it Kristen or Kirsten?

Now I AM signing off

mary

[feralfae]

Mary, Kristen

I am sorry.

I am sure it is Kristen. But here, in my home world, so to type, one of our dear friends, who also works in our office, and helped to take care of me while I took care of Doug, and also took care of Doug, is named Kirsten, not Kristen. So, my typos. My fingers sort of automatically type Kirsten instead of Kristen.

I am not officially awake.

fae

[mfh]

and niece's name is Kirsten not Kristen so I thought it was me. We will wait to hear from her but the first time you called her Kristen. Good morning. I just finished fiddlign with a demo for my hearing aids. It allows me to hear phone calls through the hearing aids (helpful in a car especially) and control the volume and hook up any pairable device (up to 5) like an iPad etc. Trying it out. I thought it would replace the remote but it just ads another toy so not sure I will get it. Not sure if any of that made sense.

Hope you feel more refreshed today....but yes I AM lecturing YOU....pace yourself, please!

[feralfae]

Good Morning Mary,

I am so impressed with all you electronic wizards here. If I ever need hearing aids or more electronics, I am going to ask you for advice. I am not so tech savvy, although I can figure things out if I am motivated.

Yes, this is going to be a day of mostly rest. I will unload the car on my way to town, pick up some things in town, and come home and stay quiet this quiet Saturday. I may needlepoint and watch the birds.

My heritage is Algonquin, Sioux, Scottish, French, Sephardic, and Cantonese. My ancestors got around. Some left Spain in 1500. Some left Scotland in 1747-50, and it is a nice, rich history. I am occasionally fascinated with my explorer ancestors, including several of the women.

I am going to focus on pacing myself and resting today. I will ignore the projects around here calling to me for this day, and let my body recover from yesterday.

I imagine you are having fun putting things back in place today. You take it easy, too.

Much Love,

fae

[mfh]

You are a real mix....sounds like your ancestors set the stage for your adventures

I have not begun to move things into the living room/dining room. I am having my coffee, will meditate for a while and then decide where to start..probably with the vacuum cleaner which is the biggest challenge as it twists my back so I will do a bit at a time so I don't end up on all fours. Then the books. I need to make room in Bill's office/guest room for the kitchen chairs so I don't have to clutter up my office even more. But the worst is behind me..the 100% chaos. Now we are at 80%.

An artist friend (she painted the portrait of Bill) called last night and is coming over and we shall go to lunch together. Tomorrow I have a concert down the street. That is my weekend of being out there. The rest is here resting and replacing stuff. It feels so nice and clean and fresh in this room that i don't even mind that the art is not on the walls.

PACE yourself. Your plan sounds perfect....needlepoint and birds. It is cold here with warnings of ice. I do not comprehend that as it also says temps in the 50s.

Peace

Mary

[Cakes01]

Hi Fae,

Thank you for the kind messages. I'm so sorry you no longer have Doug in this physical world. The pain at times seems to burn right thru me. There truely feels like no point anymore. I jjust want to be with him. One thing i love besides the lovely people here is that no one has said i will move on and love again. I am young-he was young, but that doesn't mean i have to find another. I don't want anyone, but him. I want to just live in his honor for as long as i have to be here. We both went thru a lot in our other relationships and we were eachothers chance at life-love and true real happiness. I feel like i failed him. I miss him so much! I don't want to be here without him.

I hope you are having a nice restful day watching the birdies.

Kristen

[Cakes01]

Hi Mary

I hope you slept well last night. Oddly i did. I was even able to turn the tv off which i was afraid to do. I found peace that was not scary as i thought it would be. Marcus and i didn't watch much tv together. Tried not to use it as back ground noise even when his girls were with us. The silence was calmingwhich i can only believe was because of the comfort i've found here and MM. I don't remember any dreams and i usually do. It was a break i think to not remember for a night. I used to tell him i wish i didn't alays remembered my dreams/nightmares. My left ear was burning as i layed on my back in bed this morning. The day before he died he whispered in my ear "i love you-i choose you" then looked me in the eyes and asked if i heard him. He repeated it all while holding my face and looking into my eyes. I miss him so much. All the things i was ever sad about in the past-all the stupid things i cried over can never compare to the sick aching gut renching pain, sorrow, guilt, and emptiness i feel. He always fixed things for everyone. He just needed someone to help him. He said i was tge only one who could, but i didn't. I love him so much. Not just words-i would die for him. It should've been me who died not him. I should've been able to save him-help him emotionally. He only wanted me-his KJ. He would say "more pease-pease more". I want to be with him more then anything!

[Cakes01]

I hope you're having a nice lunch with your friend. How nice that she painted a portrait of Bill. That's beautiful.

Kristen

[Cakes01]

Hi Anne,

It's nice to meet you. Not good circumstances, but i thank you for reaching out to me. I was feeling completely alone, but not so much anymore. Things got really overwhelming earlier today and i came here and saw all the lovely messages from people. You, Mary, and Fae have been so wonderful. I am young, but don't feel it. I just feel empty and hopeless. Looking forward even to tomorrow makes me feel like throwing up. When Marcus was alive i thought god it's so not fair that we spent so much of our lives without eachother. He would say we should've met eachother years and years ago. I felt like my life was too short-now-now i disgusted with how much time i feel i'm going to have here. I know that sounds awful, but without him nothing really matters anymore. I just want to get to him. Be with him again.I'm so very sorry about your Jim. Big hug to you.

Kristen

[enna]

Hello again, dear Kristen. That is one thing that I have become very aware of since I’ve been on the forum – we are not alone. There is great comfort to not only know that but to actually feel it. Many times it will bring tears to your eyes but that is good because we are told that tears are good for us – releases those toxins and gives us a chance to breath a little better.

We do have to remember to think of one day or one hour or even minutes at a time as we try to grasp what has happened to us. Marcus must have been such a beautiful person. The two of you were so young in love. When you are very quiet I bet you can even feel his arms around you. It is what is in our imaginations. Many times I have felt my Jim’s hand in mine and saw his twinkling eyes just look at me. He did that a lot during his last months of life. I hold on to the good memories but it has taken me awhile to get to that place.

What you are feeling is all normal grief right now, Kristen. Nothing you say sounds ‘awful.’ Your feelings are real but they will change over time.

I like the picture you chose for your posts. Here is a picture of my Benji (before his hair cut) whom I rescued in January. He is a Shipperke/Poodle mix. He came into my life at the right time and I love him. Anne

[Cakes01]

Anne

I'm feeling a bit bad reading more about this site. I am young and Marcus died in a car accident. He was driving. Our story is complicated. Tragic yet complicated. I don't want anyone here to think i'm making light of their greif and suffering. I guess my question is-is it ok for me to be here?? I do feel comforted being here and talking with you and Mary and Fae. I just realize our circumstances are a bit different. I am not going to be looking for anyone else and even if someone finds me-i belong to Marcus. I don't care how young i am or how young people say i look. He was it for me. We told eachother that all the time. That no matter what happens between us or to us we were it for eachother. I just want to honor him until i can be with him again.

Your puppy is so cute!! Benji is so sweet looking. I am a pet sitter actually. We started our own business before he died. It's called Remmies Companion Care after one of my precious ferrets. She was awesome. She knew her name and was my bestfriend before Marcus found me.

[enna]

Of course you should be here, Kristen. You will find love and comfort here. All are welcome and we share what we want to. The picture of your ferret is so cute. Is your business named after your ferret? I'm glad you liked Benji's picture. He does not look that way today. He is five and eight months old. Your business sounds very interesting. I thought I would be a veterinarian when I grew up but life took me in a different direction and instead I was a nurse for a while and then changed to teaching. My teacher profession lasted for over four decades! I taught middle school through high school for most of my career and then took to mentoring teachers and working with them in technology integration. Hugs. Anne

[Cakes01]

I just wanted to make sure. Thank you for reassuring me. Yes our business is named after my ferret Remmie. That's Marcus holding her in my car. She lived for almost 7 yrs which is pretty long for a ferret in the US. I got her when she was a baby and never put her down. Me and my ex had her tested for adrenal disease at that very first sign and she got a lupron shot once a month for 4 yrs i think. She never showed any signs of being sick. She was a happy alert and healthy ferret. So smart too. When her sister Bambie died ithought i was going to loose her. Shestopped eating and was always looking for her. They did everything together for 6 yrs. This past year living with Marcus i had Dover and Luna. Dover was a rescue and up there in a age though never sick. Luna was just a baby. When we had to put Dover to sleep Marcus was the one who brought up bringing his body back for Luna to see. He didn't want his little girl to get depressed even though they weren't close she would miss his presents for sure. It was incredible. She sniffed then circled around him then layed next to him for a minute. Then she ran off to play. Side note-Marcus wasn't really a ferret person, but he loved me and Luna definately stole his heart. She adored him. She seems bored now and i know she misses him too. Marcus also has 4 girls that kept her very busy. All except one loved playing with her. The business was a dream of mine that became our dream. I'm going to get back to our town and make that business work in his honor. Make him proud of me. Teaching must be so rewarding. I always thought i'd be a teacher when i was little, but that takes patiants which i learned i do not always have.

[Cakes01]

Dover and Luna-Luna is gray and white

[Cakes01]

Hi Mary

I hope you are having a nice peaceful day. I didn't forget about your questions about Marcus. They made me smile last night and again just now.

He was a very out going smart and funny person. He was very clever and insightful. He enjoyed taking things apart and putting them back together again-figuring out how things worked. He was a wonderful cook which he was just able to explore. I would call him more of a chef. He loved the presentation part of the meal. His girls wouls say"all this dad and it's only us?" He would say "aren't you worth it? Aren't we worth a nice meal?" He was such a giving man. Always giving and putting everyone before himself.

He worked for Verizon as a manager and bought and owned a floor cleaning company. I went with him between 11pm-3am to buff and wax commercal floors then he went to Verizon. He workedso hard and desparately wanted his girls with us not their mother. He was by far a better parent. I miss them too. I wish i could reach out to them, but i can't.

We enjoyed laying on the couch together and eating together. The night before he died we made pizza together and it was delicious. His oldest daughter also stayed minus her friends and we had a really good time together. We didn't get to explore many things. He workedso much to give everyone what they wanted. We were looking forward to our first real vacation together next month. Everyone in town and towns around the area knew him. He was just a great man. I couldn't believe at times that he wanted forever with me, but he did. I miss him. I miss his touch....