Forever Missed

[feralfae]

I think, dear Anne, that we can all agree that Chocolate, in moderation, is always a good thing for us.

I cannot eat sugar in any significant amounts: I do not metabolize sugar or alcohol well. Hence even when I could drink, my maximum was two small glasses of wine, and usually only one. I am not able to drink hard drinks at all. They leave me ill, just as sugar and alcohol do to many people. But I could be tempted to blow my well being on chocolate, so I only get the very dark, 70% or more cocoa, which is quite delicious, and eat a piece the size of two postage stamps. I can make it last a couple of hours, melting it in small nibbles on my tongue.

Doug's cancer meant that he was also off sugar and alcohol. He would have one sip of wine, after inhaling he bouquet, and would savor that one sip. The rest of the bottle was for the dinner guests. I really watch what I eat anyway, and try to avoid HFCS, diet things with their chemicals, and mostly all processed foods. I think that is one reason I am doing fairly well with my recovery from all the medical issues. But I still have a ways to go before I feel strong, safe, and self-confident enough to call myself fully restored to good health.

I hope Kristen is doing well today. I have had several PMs from her, and I think she just needs what we are all giving her: lots of love and support. I figure if Kristen can do one of the things on the list, it might help. We each have this habit of three steps forward, two steps back, and she is so early in her loss and grief. I just hope she has a lot of people around her to hug her and hold her close during this time.

Anne, how are you doing down there in Sunny Land? We have snow on the ground, it is 19F here this morning, and I am getting ready to slip on my Uggs and head to town for what may be my last, successful (I know!) heart monitoring session. I know I am fine, but the cardiologist wants to do this and maybe one more set of tests. I really do feel that my heart is doing well, and I have not had any fibs for a while, but I know it is better to get it checked. So, how is Your Heart doing, dear heart?

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

I have failed your test already, Fae. I do not DO chocolate in moderation!! I cannot pass a candy store without gravitating toward the door – if one were to admit our failures mine would be having no control in how much chocolate I eat! I could have invented Charlie and the Chocolate Factory or it was really me who opened up the little chocolate store – La Chocolat - in that small village in France! I have no health problems so eating chocolate leaves me in a euphoric state. It is even good for my heart but mostly my mind. I do not need pills. I eat chocolate. I love chocolate.

I do understand that there are those who cannot eat chocolate due to health issues.

It is good that you watch what you eat. We all need to do that but especially those of us with health issues. I have always been a health person except when there are things I just want to eat – I eat them and feel no guilt. I like many different vegetables and most fruits. I am not really a meat person but I will eat some red meat. I like white fish (mild) and salmon but I do not like a strong smelling fish like trout. Now that is probably more than you wanted to know!

The most beautiful and comforting thing about being on this forum is as Mary said in a post – we are caring and we do give love and support to all who come here. I always seem to fall into the roll of nurturer and sometimes I fail to remember that I need that nurturing right now. I know you will continue to take care of your health.

You asked about The Valley of the Sun – I love every part of being in Arizona. I live in the valley so I do not get the seasons but I am only a few hours away if I want snow or changing colors. This could be an entire book so I will stop here.

About my heart – thank you for asking – I have taken hold of my health issues and I know what I have to do. I have only one more cardiac class (four down one to go) to attend and then I’ll be seeing the cardiac team only every two weeks. Blood tests have been good the last two times. My kidney failure numbers are stable and my cardiac doc said that maybe I’ll be able to travel in a few months. I need to see my grandbabies and hold them. Skype is good but not the same. They will come here in the summer after Sofia gets out of school. My congestive heart failure will always be with me but I can learn to manage it. My sodium restriction is still limited to under 2000MG a day (I have been told that the average intake of sodium per day by each of us is from 4000MG to 6oooMG) and I still cannot have more than 40 oz of liquid daily. This is very hard for me – but I must have the discipline to do it. Enough about me…

I am heading off to take a dear friend to the hospital for more biopsies – he has esophageal cancer and will not be able to drive back home. It will be out patient surgery. His story is another book. Jim and I have known Otto and Terri for decades – Terri passed away four years ago due to breast cancer – I taught with Terri for several decades both in IL and here. We were like sisters. Send up a prayer for him.

Anne

[mfh]

Anne, I fear I share your chocolate addiction but I have learned that since it contains sugar...I have to be really careful. I, like fae, do not metabolize sugar well and feel crappy (is that an acceptable word?) if I over indulge. I also find it hard to stop if I am not measured about it.

As for loving AZ....I spent a summer in Phoenix in 2000 and found the heat unbearable. I know your AZ lovers just say that you stay out of the heat the way we here in WI stay out of the cold but when my sandals melted to the blacktop and the thermometer arm melted in the yard and flopped over....that did it. I would terribly miss the beauty of autumn surrounding me and the snow, yes...I would miss the snow...its beauty and the change of seasons...I do not want to drive to see all that. I want to be wrapped in it as the cycle of life goes on around me. I will, however, visit someday but not in the summer

I know you are helping Otto today and wish him well.

Everytime I am about to close this laptop, another message comes in with something that draws me back. Now I will close it. It is 11:30 here and I have not heard from the painters. I am enjoying the quiet and I know they will come. Their schedule is very irregular as they paint 2-3 jos at a time. Last week they were here daily at about 10 but not sure what this week will hold. I still think they will finish by Friday. Ceilings in bathroom and kitchen maybe yet today though nothing is taped. Walls Tues and Wed and Thurs???? I surrender...i.e. let go.

Mary

[kayc]

Kristen,

A hearty amen to what Mary said! We will not judge you, how could we, when George first died I didn't even want to live, now I'm doing better but it's not the same as before he died and never will be. We know wine doesn't help anything but what we wish is we did know what helped. Mostly it's learning how to deal with this grief, little pointers like taking a day at a time, being kind to ourselves, learning to pace ourselves, and looking for something good in the day that helped me through this. I do hope you'll continue coming here, we're like a family, we care about each other.

[Cakes01]

I started to reply to all of you, but then i lost it

I shall start over.

Thank you Mary, Fae, Anne, and Kay for all your kind words of wisdom. I don't want anyone here to hold back on advice or their feelings with me. I welcome it all as i know you all know how i feel. I will be nothing sort of grateful for any feed back you are willing to give me even if you think i may not want to hear it.

I am back at my parents house with Luna till i have to go back for another overnight which i am not looking forward to. It's hard to write here with my phone which is all i have on overnights so i'm glad i have this time to write on my tablet.

Mary-i loved what you said about a teaspoon of rich soil in the grand canyon that's inside me. It was beautiful as it deeply touched me-your concern for me. Marcus and i both used alcohol to deal with daily life in our marraiges. We only talked about it in the beginning, but we never needed it to be together. Just loved spending time together. The night he died we were drinking heavily and fighting. We had our disagreements, but it was the first time we were out with another couple and though it started off really great it got bad-stupid bad. Foolish. I have no desire to drink. I know it won't make me feel better. It can't bring him back. I had a really rough night. I felt sick to my stomach and had horrible dreams. The painters schedule must be a bit annoying. Have you moved into a new place or just redoing your home? I'm trying to read up on everyone, but it's taking me a little while. I hope you are continuing to enjoy the day.

Fae-Thank you for returning all my pm's and for being concerned for me. I recieved a call from a clinic that i called on friday about grief counciling. She gave me a few different numbers. I started to really fall apart. Your list is very helpful. I used to make lists for everything. Marcus used to sweetly joke about them. I am here living back at my parents house and though i am extremely grateful for them i'm just....sad. i can't go into our apartment-the place we made our home with his girls. I just want to be with him. I want to be in our home. I keep driving up there 45min from my parents and going to places we used to go to. Places where people knew us as a couple. Saw how much in love we had for eachother. Hugs are something i can't seem to find at least not more then once from someone. Marcus was always the people person, but now i find myself in desparate need to be around people. Not just anyone though. People who knew and supported me and Marcus. My parents i don't feel ever did. They rather me stay in a loveless marraige. Even seeing how happy him and the girls made me they still gave him a hard time. He was nothing, but kind and sweet to them. I am very happy to have found this place and wonderful people like you. I have been crying a lot and seeing a client of mine sort of made me feel worse. She said she felt bad for me, but went on to say her divorce was a death and that she's struggling too being out of work so no ones life is perfect. I was right around the corner from where Marcus's girls live. I wanted to go to them so badly, but know that would only be selfish of me.

How are you doing today? As i told Mary i'm trying to read up on everyone, but is taking me awhile. I do care though

Anne-how are you doing today? I liked what you said about chocolate. Oddly before Marcus i didn't care for chocolate or so i thought. He didn't have a big sweet tooth, but loved my chocolate cherry cookies. I only made them for him. I have found that when i don't really want anything to eat something sweet does the trick. Marcus was a great cook. He always fed me well. A friend i used to have who lived in Arizona loved it there too. Even with the heat. She enjoyed taking pictures of the outdoors. It does look beautiful though i'm really not good in the heat.

Kay-i do wish i knew what would help ease this horrific pain-for all of us. Bringing them back would be my goal. I think Marcus may be mad at me b/c we were fight when he died though i know we are so much more then that one terrible night. Also b/c i was using pills and then last night wine to drown my grief. I just want to be with him. Being at that overnight i thought would be good for me. The woman there had suffered a lot of loss and she focuses on her animals. It was so hard though. All i did was cry. Poor puppy was so sweet and affectionate. i just want to scream to that whole stupid town how much me and Marcus love eachother! I know it shouldn't matter what others think, but the way he was buried and the whole show that was put on--it was wrong!! Yes he was an amazing father and firefighter, but he didn't live in that town and happily married to the girls mother. We were living together and the girls stayed with us. They saw how we loved eachother. He was never ashamed of us and it feels like i'm letting him down-again.

Enough about me. How are you today??

[Cakes01]

I have to head back to my overnight

I hope everyone has had a really nice day and finds tonight peaceful.

[kayc]

I'm a little confused...Marcus was married to someone else, but living with you and his girls? And he was a firefighter? I know what a huge presentation they put on when a firefighter, a friend of mine was married to one that died, they had three funerals for him! THREE! I don't know how she survived it all. And you're not staying in your home? Do you mind if I ask why? I hope no one is prohibiting you from being there! Bouncing around must be really hard.

Fighting right before he died, that would be hard, but I don't think he'd be mad at you, George always told me there was nothing that could happen in the course of a day that would change our love for each other, that's a comforting thought, but I really think when you love each other, that's how it is, no matter what.

[mfh]

When my brother in law's father died, the casket rode on the back and top of a fire truck through the entire town before going to the church and then again before going to the cemetery. It is a huge event no matter whether the fireman is local or not. Firemen belong to all towns. When a client of mine had an accident and was paralyed the fire department built him a wheel chair accessible home. They are a brotherhood.

[Cakes01]

I want to tell my story, but can't see the link to do so. also i'm interested to know if anyone here believes in communicating with the dead. sign-energy as Marcus would say. i was going to start something about it, but can't figure out how.

[Cakes01]

I know they are a brotherhood. my soon to be ex husband is a firefighter. i have nothing, but respect for them, but Marcus's story is a bit different. i think i should just tell everyone my whole story including all about my wonderful Marcus. no he wasn't perfect, but he was to me and for me. I feel like i'm just giving everyone bits and pieces of my story which i guess i am. i don't mean to make you guess. i want to tell my story. i know i can here and i am safe here. Nothing was hidden with me and Marcus just to put it out there. just confusing and sucks because of legalties.

[MartyT]

Kristen, to start your own thread,

• first pick the forum you want it to be in (such as this one) and
• click on the title of the forum (in this case, look at the top of this page, and click on ---> Loss of a Spouse, Partner, or Significant Other.
• Once there, you'll see a list of all the topics in that forum.
• Notice at the top right of the list a black rectangular button entitled Start New Topic.
• Click on that, and you'll see a Posting New Topic box.
• Type in a title for your post, and
• place your post in the big box.
• Then click on Post New Topic.

Simple as that!

As for communicating with the dead, see these posts:

After-Death Communication: A List of Resources

After-Death Communication, continued

[Cakes01]

Thank you Marty so much for these links. i'm going to look at them right now.

[Cakes01]

Marcus was a beautiful person. i can't catch my breath. i ache for him!!

[mfh]

Kristen, You asked if I was in a new home. No, I am not. Bill and I moved into this home about 10 months before he died. The village is where we had been wanting to live and this house came along, close to the small main street where Bill could walk and visit with people. Because he was so sick I never painted the walls or even unpacked most boxes in the basement. So I am finally getting this done making the house a clean fresh nest for my healing and my life. The painters are not consistently here which, of course I did not expect. I asked people about them and all I was told is that they are great painters. And they are. It is my need to have my nest back that is bugging me. But this too shall pass and I am pretty good at ignoring the chaos. My honeycomb blinds for my art room came and the valances came and everything is everywhere....every single room is affected. Awgh!

Thanks for asking, Mary

[Cakes01]

Awe well it's nice that you shared time with Bill there. I know i dislike when things are not organized. I bet your blinds are really nice and will look lovely once you are able to put them up. Hopefully it will be sooner then later.

[Cakes01]

Foreve and eve My sweet Marcus!!