boogieman Posted January 17, 2014 Author Report Share Posted January 17, 2014 Thank you Marty. Sometimes the harder the lesson or task, the better the lesson is learned. I attended my first group counseling session last night. Not what I expected as I felt somewhat comfortable opening up to complete strangers and like-wise suffering souls. Maybe it's the "safety in numbers" syndrome. I just don't know. I do realize they were willing to listen, really listen and understand, what I - like they are, what we are all going through. If we are all alone in this, at least we are all alone together. Maybe shared grief softens the burden for us all. Chris Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted January 17, 2014 Report Share Posted January 17, 2014 Chris, I am so very glad you went to the group and even more glad that you were comfortable there and found comfort. We can not do this journey alone. It is not healthy to do it alone nor is it really possible. We need those who "get it" and who are or have been in the same boat. Good for you for taking the risk and being open to it once you got there. You are amazing. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted January 17, 2014 Report Share Posted January 17, 2014 The Gift of Loss by Abigail Fuller is just chock full of good points. Thank you for posting this, Marty. Chris, you are such a good example of someone who is really working on your journey. You inspire me with your honesty and fragileness as you awaken to the reality of your deep loss. You are correct when you say that 'shared grief softens the burden' of our losses. Others who understand help us to carry the loss so much better. We are blessed to have this forum to come to and be around those who really do "get it". It helps to know that our roller coaster rides take many ups and downs and whenever there are ups there are going to be downs and vice versa. It never stays flatlined. We are told that that is the price of great love. You mentioned that you are losing quite a bit of weight. This can harm you later on and you do need to be in good health to grieve. I know it means nothing to you right now because I did the same thing when I went through a period of not caring if I ate or not. It only complicates our journey. Try to eat something healthy every day. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 17, 2014 Report Share Posted January 17, 2014 Marty, thank you for sharing that, I can think of nothing so heart-wrenching as to lose a child. A husband affects every avenue of your life, but a child shatters every part of your soul. It just feels unnatural, we somehow feel they are to outlive us. But the truth is there is no given time that any of us is entitled to, not in our own lives, and not in someone else's...they are given to us for an unknown time and we are to fully treasure each moment as if it could be our last. A lesson most of us learn the hard way. Chris, I am so glad it went well at the group session. There is something about being with those who truly get it. As for your BP and health, I do hope you'll see a doctor and get some help for the BP, the medicine is cheap and can make a tremendous difference to us...I would hate to see you have a stroke unnecessarily as that runs in my family and I've seen the results of that. As for the weight loss, I hope you had it to spare and that you aren't now underweight...it's better to be 20% overweight than 5% underweight (a quote by my old doctor). I hope you consider trying the smoothies we talked about: Bananas, yogurt, protein powder, fresh spinach, berries (can add a bit of honey although I usually don't find it necessary). You can throw some granola in there too and blend all, there, you have all your food groups and it keeps one's body functioning optimally! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted January 17, 2014 Report Share Posted January 17, 2014 The people you meet in a grief support group are not unlike the people you've met here, Chris. There are no more understanding and accepting people than fellow mourners ~ especially those who are mourning a similar loss, such as the death of a beloved spouse. As Mary often says, these are the ones who "get it" ~ there is no need to explain why you're feeling and reacting the way you are when you are among such people, because they're all right there in the same boat with you, facing the same challenges, just trying to stay afloat. I am so glad that you took the risk to attend an in-person support group. Good for you. You are one very brave soul. ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nats Posted January 17, 2014 Report Share Posted January 17, 2014 Thank you, NATS. I went back and read most of your postings. I appreciate your openness and candor. There aren't many men of this forum. For me, today is the 9 month date of My Paula's passing. Still feeling empty, lonely, alone, abandoned, hurt, and even resentful. At who and for exactly what I don't know. I have little problem in understanding why. This is HARD! Where to go, what to do, when to do it, who to do anything with, dealing with the myriad of small issues that seem almost impossible now, and all the other life changes brought on by the cruel circumstances we all here find ourselves in. THIS JUST ISN"T FAIR! I KNOW I"M SCREAMING! I CAN"T HELP IT! I MISS MY PAULA SO GREATLY! Living, breathing, eating, sleeping, enjoyment, are all issues from a past life hardly recognizable as once being mine. I have lost over 60 lbs. since the first of last year. Clothes don't fit anymore and I don't care. Food has no taste, no shared enjoyment at all. Minor issues are continually blown out of proportion leaving me feeling even weaker and more vulnerable. My blood pressure is all over the place. Constant headache. Stomach always tied in knots. A looming sense of doom and gloom permeates my very being. If this is supposed to get better and/or easier, I ask the rhetorical question... "WHEN?" My Paula and I are very private people. We looked no further than to each other for over 35 years. Now who do I share this life with? This sad, lonely life and the ruined shambles of what once was. I get through every day somehow. No idea how or why. What is the point? To exist in this state of upheaval, turmoil, uncertainty, and stress is not what anyone could consider "living". Yet, here we are, aren't we? The Love of My Life taken from me. I am so much less without My Paula. Is it enough? Chris, I am happy to help in anyway, your correct not many men here not sure why but that's Okay we all have the same in common and I have learned much from these wise women...Yelling and screaming is a good thing it releases that massive tension that builds, one member suggested screaming into a pillow, I did that for months when I couldn't cope some days...as far as the other things that are out of balance...try and take it easy and not push yourself, it's okay to not feel normal, but you need your strength and energy to endure this journey as I know many have told you before...also take a moment and reflect what Paula would have told you if she were here, Ruth and I had the same bond and very private we alone dealt with our lives and discussed everything, helping each other, when I tried this I was able to gain some strength because I knew what she would have told me..."you can do it babe, I support you"...she still does when I remember and reflect, as I know like you our Love is still there and NOTHING will ever take that away...one more thing you ask what's the point?...because Paula and Ruth would wants us to survive that's the point...just as we would want them to survive if the tables were turned... Peace My Friend In Grief NATS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boogieman Posted January 18, 2014 Author Report Share Posted January 18, 2014 It's going on 4:00 am here. Another sleepless night for me. Once again, you all give me too much credit for my suffering. There is nothing noble about any of this. I came on here tonight to "give up", to completely resign myself to the dire circumstances facing me daily, hourly. This extreme extended torture and agony has to end. I am so completely exhausted from the effort to just exist. I must admit that I lied to My Paula. She was worried about me being alone. I shrugged it off. I can make it on my own. Not a problem. I've done it before. I can do it again. I lied to her and I know she saw right through it. That was before I knew the sheer, continuing, soul crushing, heart breaking, agony of being without her. I have no doubt why I can't sleep. The loneliness, emptiness, and solitude slowly grinding me down. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted January 18, 2014 Report Share Posted January 18, 2014 I disagree, Chris. I don't think you lied to your Paula when you told her you could make it on your own. I think you were trying to reassure her, to enable her to let go and leave you, when everything in her wanted to stay here with you. That is a measure of pure love: putting the needs of your beloved ahead of your own. Have you ever heard the phrase, "Fake it till you make it"? I first heard that when I was a very young student in psychiatric nursing, about to enter a locked ward in a psych unit, filled with psych patients. I was terrified. But I couldn't let my patients know how I really felt inside. For their sake, I had to act as if I felt safe and confident and knew what I was doing. Was I lying to my patients? Or was I "faking it till I made it" ~ drawing on my own past history, believing in my own strength, determination and self-confidence? As I've come to know you here, Chris, I believe that you are far more courageous and far stronger than you think you are, because your behavior over time has demonstrated that to me. Think of all the times you've triumphed over adversity in your life, before you even met your Paula, during all that time when you cared for her when she was sick, and ever since she died. Remember those times, and draw strength from that. The more you behave as if you can do this, the more you will believe that you can. That is not lying to your Paula ~ that is fulfilling your solemn promise to her, and to yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 18, 2014 Report Share Posted January 18, 2014 Chris, I think all of us have had to come to the point where we resign ourselves to what is...that's not giving up, that is realization. Some call it acceptance but I know I hated that term when I was young in my journey, to me "acceptance" sounded like it was okay with me, and it was not. I realize now that's NOT what it means, but I hate to use the term anyway for fear someone else is feeling that way. You do not appear to have given up on life, but rather you realize everything for you has changed. We have to enjoy the little joys...the big one is gone, but it does help to acknowledge the good that there is, when there is some...such as spending time with family, even having an "okay day" once in a while. A friend that reaches out, a neighbor that thinks of you, anything. Acknowledge and let yourself feel the good that there is when it occurs. That's what I do. Sometimes it gets so lonely, sometimes it seems pointless, sometimes it seems there's nothing to look forward to..,.that's when it's important to reach out, try to spend some time with someone, try to plan something enjoyable. Look at QMary's posts, she is quite busy with her social life and being involved in things, and I think happier because of it. I tend to be more reclusive and shy, it's harder for me, but we can't give up, it's in our best interest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted January 18, 2014 Report Share Posted January 18, 2014 Chris, I agree with Marty. You did not lie to her. You said what she needed to hear. When Bill was dying, I said the same thing to him..i.e. "that I would be fine and I would handle being alone". I knew he needed to know that as he was concerned about me being alone after such a tight relationship and I know we both knew it would be very difficult but that I would do my best. What I did not know when I said those words to him (several times as his memory was so impaired) was how incredibly hard it would be especially early on, how deep would be the gut wrenching pain, how alone I would feel. You did not know that either when you said those words. But you are doing what you said to your Paula. You are doing your best as are all of us including your latest decision to join the support group, and to come here, and all you have done at Christmas also. This is a "one day at a time" journey we are all on. Little did I know when I promised Bill I would be ok (and I even was so bold to say I would be fine) how challenging this loss would be. BUT, like you, we are all determined to do it even when it feels easier to just give up, a feeling that does fade. I won't ever give up but that does not mean it is easy. Some days, not too often now, are really difficult. Many moments are really difficult. But over all, it is possible to do this journey. I find the most healing thing I do is reach out to others in pain here and in my office and in my village and in friendships and family, Hence my being here now. I get to help others and I get to facilitate my own healing. I get out of myself and into someone else's world and hurt. I could not do that early on. I could hardly care about someone else's pain. Now it is a top priority for me. You might find that to be true in your support group...i.e. reaching out to the people there who are in the same pain as you is healing for you. I see you do it here also. Keep on keeping on, Chris. We are all here with you doing the same thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boogieman Posted January 18, 2014 Author Report Share Posted January 18, 2014 Thank you ladies for your words of direction and insight. I know, for me, there is no great desire or urge to continue, or carry-on, or whatever this really is. I'm doing whatever is required right now. And not enjoying it or deriving any sense of relief or satisfaction from it. Futility comes to mind. For example, it took me 6 hours and 3 trips to the school, but I did get enrolled for classes. Now I'm not so sure I even want to go. It is just a time filling device that holds no particular charm. I am so tired of trying to find or create something, anything, to fill this enormous void in what life I have left. Not any joy in anything I do. My reality tells me these are all just fillers and a poor substitute for real living. I am finding it to be not enough. I had this discussion with my mother just last weak. I know she means well but I have heard the admonitions to "get on with it" far too many times. Even staying as busy as I can stand it, nothing ever comes close to filling the enormity of the hole in my heart. Bumbling and stumbling through life is no way to live. In group Thursday night, Lisa told us that we probably would feel worse from the experience. She was right. Too much time for introspective reflection is not always good. And I have lots of time. With the exception of my friend Nick, most of our friends and family have isolated themselves from me. Or I have isolated myself from them? Not a clue. I do know I am different now, I just have no clue to what extent and in what direction. Apparently "they" see or sense or perceive something I don't yet comprehend or understand. From your perspective it may appear that I have made progress or taken strides. From here I have to disagree. I am still in the very same dark and lonely place. I have faced and addressed several issues, overcoming some, failing miserably at others. But inside, nothing has changed. Nothing will ever fill the void left by My Paula. I'm tired of trying. I know that some never recover from such a devastating loss. I count me in that group. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted January 18, 2014 Report Share Posted January 18, 2014 From your perspective it may appear that I have made progress or taken strides. From here I have to disagree. I am still in the very same dark and lonely place. I have faced and addressed several issues, overcoming some, failing miserably at others. But inside, nothing has changed. Nothing will ever fill the void left by My Paula. I'm tired of trying.I know that some never recover from such a devastating loss. I count me in that group. Chris, I do not think that making progress necessarily means the pain or the void has changed. In my opinion it means you are doing things to help yourself. In your group or at classes you may meet some person or people to talk to...especially in the support group..go out to coffee with...people who understand like we do. We never know where walking through a doorway will lead...And being tired of trying is understandable. Loss like this does change us and it is exhausting. One day at a time even when it appears you are going nowhere... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted January 19, 2014 Report Share Posted January 19, 2014 Dear Chris, I imagine the pain is terrible, and even two years later, I still have days of unbearable pain, when all I can do is find a place to wail and sometimes scream. Chris, some things are changing. The pain is still horrible, yes. I see you doing more things to take care of yourself, I see you doing things that will make Your Paula smile that you are doing things. I see you at least reaching out tentatively to connect with others who can support and whom you can support on this journey. When one day at a time is too long, take one hour at a time, and know that the Sun will rise tomorrow, bringing the promise of a few more bits of healing and returning to life. It takes a long time, but it is worth the journey to be able to help others and to gain a new level of compassion and understanding for myself. This is a HUGE learning experience, although I hate the price of tuition. Peace to you today. Just make it today. Have any of the guided meditations helped at all? I have been helped a great deal by them, and there are a lot to try. I think you tried some a few months ago. Maybe it is time to try them again. We change so much that some things that don't work at one time may work at another time. You take care and know that we care. I send you Peace and all good wishes. *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boogieman Posted January 19, 2014 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2014 It's 3:30 on the morning of the 19th. In about 10-1/2 hours there will be a memorial service for My Paula in which I say my earthly goodbye. I can hardly imagine doing so or being in a place of having to do so . The mere abstract thought of it crushes me. Another night with no sleep and no rest for me. I realize now just how disturbed I am and how deeply this is disturbing to me. Even in the best of times since April 16th last year I think of nothing but My Paula. Now is no different. And I realize it never will be different for me. I accept that. No matter what I do, or where I go, or what I might do to occupy my time, this loneliness and longing for My Paula will never go away. I am completely obsessed with nothing else. Any and all matters pertaining to me personally are so completely insignificant as to be of no substance whatsoever. Believe me, I have given this matter almost my complete and total attention for over 9 months now. Even when distracted or allowing myself a small respite from the grueling torture and agony, I always return to the same place, the same conclusion. Without My Paula here with me my life is meaningless, empty, with no direction, focus, or purpose. Perhaps I came to rely on her too much, loosing myself in her in the process. If so, so be it If this is a price I must pay for loving My Paula so greatly, so deeply, so completely. My sadness and loneliness grows daily. I have no control over it as I continually spiral out of control and beyond my ability to stop it. Truth be known, I don't want to stop it. I choose to spend the rest of my days like they are if I can't be with her soon. The glorious time we spent together is more dear and precious to me than anything possible in my earthly future. Each and every moment filled with sorrow and sadness. Especially now as I realize what my future holds for me. I have tried so very hard to cope, to adjust, to manage, to come to terms with this for far too long. I admit my weakness, my lack of resolve, and accept my eventual outcome eagerly. I have been trying hard to understand exactly what I want and need to say. To understand what I truly feel. Now I know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted January 19, 2014 Report Share Posted January 19, 2014 Chris, What do you think Your Paula would want you to do? What do you think she is trying to say to you? Would she be telling you to stay trapped full time in the pain and grief, or do you think she would gently and lovingly hint that you needed to start a Gratitude List and also find one thing to be grateful for each day? When Your Paula reads what you wrote above, what would she say to you with great love and compassion? What is she saying to you right now? It is hard and painful to shift our trajectory and to begin the long, long journey toward a new wholeness. I think Your Paula knows you have the courage and heart to begin to build some light and joy into your days. She would probably remind you of your courage when you two fell in love, went through some tough times so you could be together, and that I think she would tell you she is still with you. What would Your Paula want you to do today? For this next hour? Peace and Light to you Chris. Fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted January 19, 2014 Report Share Posted January 19, 2014 Oh, Chris, this is so difficult. We are left to do the best we can even though our hearts are not in it. I know your sleeplessness. I know your pain. It seems so unfair that we are left to work through this grief that we feel so deeply. I am sorry that you are in this depth of pain. We can take deep breaths. We can do what Fae suggests and make a Gratitude List. I do this and I always find that at the end of a day there is always, always something I am grateful for in my life. We have to remember that it is a slow journey and we can only do the best we can do. Some days may be good and some may be not so good. That is ok when we are grieving. We are hurt and words do not always help but we have this fire and often the hug or kind words are just what we need to get us to the next hour. Whether you believe it our not you are dragging along with the rest of us. I offer you my hand so you don't slip too far back with the understanding that our emotions play tricks on us. Peace, Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 19, 2014 Report Share Posted January 19, 2014 Chris, I understand how you feel, more than I can express. I had a low day yesterday when I felt everything seemed pointless and empty and the realization hit (again) that nothing is the same since George left...like the joy went out of my life and there's no meaning. I felt lonely and bored and nothing struck my fancy as something I wanted to do. I thank God those days are becoming fewer. I reminded myself of all I have to be thankful for and chided myself for feeling sorry for myself. I mean there's homeless people, people with no food, people with fatal illnesses that want to live! Even though I don't see my kids much and winter times I seldom see my sisters, still, they're there. My mom has survived over 31 years without my dad, living alone until a year ago. If she can do it, surely I can. I'm glad you got enrolled in school...I hope you'll at least give it a try, maybe one term and then see how it goes, you might be surprised once you get into it. Try to think of it as Paula being there with you, invisible maybe, but there, reach inside yourself and talk to her (I do, all the time!), draw from her words and inspiration. It helps us get through it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boogieman Posted January 19, 2014 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2014 Despite the tone and timber of my post, I am finding a modicum of peace and a certain comfort level with the revelation. I think, given this newer perspective, that I don't have to struggle so mightily constantly against the prevailing trend. I think I can relax my vigilance ever so slightly and just accept what is. I say this because I slept from about 5am until 11am this morning. A restful serenity that I so desperately need. If I must be more somber and withdrawn to manage life now, I accept that and will embrace it from a de-stressed perspective. The effort to just get by while striving so hard to cope is too hard. So I try less striving and more acceptance to ease my constant pain. An accepted level of pain and agony there-in tells me I am still alive and able to feel something, anything, besides the deep grief and sorrow. A little pain is preferable to maximum pain. Maybe this will keep me from drowning. What have I got to loose by trying? I appreciate the extended hand from you all. Just as you, I have to do this my way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted January 19, 2014 Report Share Posted January 19, 2014 Dear Chris, Acceptance is what we strive for...sort of a willing surrender to what is. Acceptance does not mean liking what is but it does mean we are not fighting it. Good for you. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted January 19, 2014 Report Share Posted January 19, 2014 For Chris and anyone else who loves this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted January 20, 2014 Report Share Posted January 20, 2014 Thanks Mary. Your post above is VERY powerful! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted January 20, 2014 Report Share Posted January 20, 2014 I agree, Anne. I like it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 20, 2014 Report Share Posted January 20, 2014 Mary, So true, I have to claim that! And Chris, we are not in disagreeance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted January 20, 2014 Report Share Posted January 20, 2014 Thanks for that Mary. I woke up this morning feeling really frightened and alone. That helped. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted January 20, 2014 Report Share Posted January 20, 2014 Jan, I know how hard it is to wake up that way. I had many mornings like that early on. You are not alone and we are with you in your fear. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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