I Need Your Help

[heidi1]

Ok Chris, fresh back from the cemetery, it's so nice there, so peaceful where I go to visit and talk to Robert every day, on the way there I passed 2 teenage girls sat laughing & giggling by the stile you have to climb over to the cemetery (if you go the back way, which I do so as to hide away). And I said to Robert, 'we were like them once, not knowing what life had in store for us, or who, and we were so lucky to have found each other'. Then the tears came. Again. If I could have one more day with him, one hour. I always say I will be back tomorrow, unless my prayers are answered, and then I'll be with him soon, and if he needs me, I'll be at home. It is crazy isn't it? But it's the way it is, and I love him so, and I am assured that I can live without him…..but I don't want to. I will be thinking of you tonight Chris, as I'm sure lots of others on this site will be too, my thoughts and others from the UK will start earlier, and others will follow from all the different time zones on this forum, may God be with you. Heidi.

[boogieman]

Heidi, your feelings are not crazy at all. I still feel exactly the same for My Paula,

if not more so, than I ever have before.

Sadly, but now a year later, I begin to more fully appreciate all the little things she did for me

and the wonder of our shared companionship.

How very special she was to and for me. And me for her.

I will sorely miss that until we can be together again.

Each day, each hour, every moment without My Love is excruciating.

I do have one what I consider a positive in that My Paula chose to be cremated, as I choose too.

At present she is in a place of honor on the mantle above the fireplace we both dearly enjoyed.

Nothing better than a cold night spent in the warmth of that fire and each other.

A rare cold front for so late in the year here in Texas (temps in the low 30's) prompted me

to build a big roaring fire which we shared. Maybe the last this season.

How fitting for us, given these special poignant dates.

I stayed up late to enjoy the peace, solitude, and the pleasure of My Love as we shared again that

which we so cherished. That being at home, alone, lost in each other.

Given time I pray the same for you and your Robert.

In a side note, I feel that he and I could have been good friends given the opportunity.

[kayc]

I remember telling my son that George is not here, trust me, I looked...high and lo in the house, he was not here. I do remember.

We were so fortunate to have met, to have shared the time allotted us, and now we are left with their residence in our hearts.

[heidi1]

Chris, you would have liked Robert, he was a very genuine, kind and friendly man, and he would have liked you, he never thought badly of anybody, and from 1st meeting me he loved me, I did know he would have done anything for me. My sister told me at the funeral that he idolised me, and a friend said the same thing the other day, but I didn't know that. Imagine my loss, a lovely man who thought the world of me and I him, 43 years together from teenagers to middle age, children and grandchildren together, suffering together through his illnesses, then devastatingly he suffers for 11 weeks and 1 day, after a stroke. He fights, I fight with him, the battle of our lives, our enemies are the stroke and the staff who think he should die, I tell them life is precious, and his, priceless to me. I had hope and tried to give him hope, but the enemies were too powerful. Now I know I will be reminded of my own words that life is precious, but mine is not to me now, because I have lost that which made it worthwhile. The hours march on for you Chris, my thoughts are with you, and those of many others here, in England it is after midnight and I'm going to bed, i hope to sleep, may God be with you during your darkest hours. Heidi.

[mfh]

Chris, I know tomorrow is the 1st anniversary of your Paula's death and just want you to know that I am thinking about you on this day and during these days. I know how tough they are and you are in my prayers and thoughts.

Peace to your heart,

Mary

[mfh]

Heidi, I assure you that you are not crazy for talking to your beloved Robert. You are not alone in wanting five more minutes or five days with him in his body. He does hear you. I truly believe that. You are in my thoughts. I know you hurt.

Mary

[Wifflesnook]

Dear Chris

My thoughts are with you. And I'm sure your Paula is too. I hope this day will not be as hard as you fear.

Jan

[MartyT]

You are in our thoughts and prayers today, dear Chris, as you remember your Paula and the love you share with her ♥

[feralfae]

Dear Chris,

I am holding you close in my heart today as you celebrate the Love that is still alive for you and Your Paula. Peace to your heart.

namaste,

fae

[kayc]

Chris, you are in many of our thoughts and prayers today. I hope as you go through your day you will realize that your Paula is still with you, remembering she is free from pain and at peace...I'm sure she wishes you wholeness. I hope you will make plans for this day and not do it totally alone all day.

[heidi1]

Chris, in that dark place where your soul now resides without your Paula, I and others reach out to you, to say we care, we understand, tell us how you coped with this 1st anniversary, tell me what I can expect if I'm unfortunate enough to live that long, because to me every day is like a year without Robert. What has happened in your heart in this last year, I have read your story in these posts, I have seen the false dawns, the dashed hopes in your struggle to come to terms with the tragedy that your life has become. Please let us know you're alright, no I know you're not alright, but talk to us Chris.

[boogieman]

It is the late morning of the day after. The past 36-48 hours have been torturous.

From the depths of despair to the possibility of a means to come to some sort of

middle-ground where a balance may exist to allow a continuation.

Physically and emotionally beaten-down I am not sure of anything.

I am not sure whether to share the gory gruesome details in an effort to shed light on my (our)

plight(s) or not. Might be too intense for some, if not most.

I remain in a state of despair and unimaginable pain regardless.

I fail to comprehend why this is so much more intense than when it actually occurred.

I am very far from "alright". If anything, worse than before.

I struggle still with what to do, or how to do it, or which way to turn to find the relief my soul cries out for.

Willing to incur the disdain and retribution of some here let me add this. It is troublesome and not what most

will want to hear or know. If so Stop reading now.

[From the depths of despair I made an attempt to end my suffering.

Suffice it to say the results are not what I intended.

If this gesture marks me as weak or lessens my standing here, so be it.

Label me as "weak" and "cowardly" carefully. Most of you have no idea the inner-strength

and resolve required to follow-through on such an action.

Desperate situations sometimes call for desperate actions.

I was ready to accept that release but was denied.

There will be no such further action taken.

In the moment of finality My Paula interceded. I know it was My Love there with me.

My Love, in yet another tender giving of herself, released me of the obligation to grieve so desperately

and intensely for her, and allowed a possible means of doing so. ]

My heart aches so deeply for My Love I have not yet been able to get past this oh so trying time.

Only time will reveal if this is possible for me to accomplish. My fear is that by doing so I take steps to

further increase the time, distance, and bond we now share. Desperately wanting to be closer to her, not

further removed, if that is the possible outcome in order to survive.

I know My Love has nothing but the best intentions for me. The issue is with me, not her suggestion.

If I find that later I have "moved away" from her I will be devastated again. I can not allow that.

My still broken heart can not withstand that.

Hesitant to proceed for fear of diminishing the "now", I am torn between the two.

I find that for me, time has no relevance. Nothing exists except right now.

What do I do right now?

All I can say is that these most difficult of times can be survivable even if through no actions of my own.

Maybe the loving care from My Paula has made me one of the "lucky-ones".

I gladly accept that gift from My Love.

I had set this first anniversary date as a self-imposed deadline to reach some sort of arbitrary

conclusion. Foolishness on my part, but there none-the-less.

I got an answer. Cautiously I proceed not knowing what to do or how to achieve the goals set out for me by My Love.

Finding that balance, if there is one, is the matter before me.

I would dearly love to hear from anyone regarding this post, my revelations, and current situation.

I will withstand your wrath and scorning if need be in order to talk to someone, anyone.

I am open to comments and questions if need be.

In a side note, I did hear from our children earlier in the week, one of my brothers, and Lisa, my counselor called

with support too. I know people care but that is just not enough, sometimes, to overcome the inner demons.

Hang in there Heidi. Difficult but possible. Trust me.

Thank you all for your generous support going into this most difficult period.

Chris

[MartyT]

My dear Chris ~

Disdain? Retribution? Wrath? Scorn? There is no place for any of that here, and I think you know that already.

We're all so sorry that you are in such agonizing pain, but still grateful that you are still here with us, sharing your pain and letting us share our pain with you. That is what this site is all about.

I am forever grateful too that your Paula intervened in whatever way that was meaningful to you, thereby (in your words) "releasing me of the obligation to grieve so desperately and intensely for her, and allowed a possible means of doing so."

You are one of us, Chris, and you matter to each and every one of us, just as I hope that we all matter to you as well. Please stay here with us, and keep on writing what you're thinking and feeling. I think that can be very helpful and healing for you.

So many of us have been where you are, and your words don't frighten us as much as you may think.

Remember: We are watching you, too, you know ♥

[enna]

“If I walk in the valley of darkness…”Chris, I am so sorry that you are in such pain. I am not afraid to hear your cries and your wales and your deep emotional despair. I am glad that you did not carry out your intention of ending your life.

My hope for you is that you look for help in this area of grief for I think it is not part of the “normal” grieving process. When you say that you “made an attempt to end my suffering” I understand you to mean that you actually tried to take your own life. Someone correct me if my thinking is wrong. I have wanted to be with my Jim many times but I have never thought of taking my own life. My pain is as deep and real as anyone’s is yet ending my life is just not in my thought process.

I am glad that you realize that there is no end to our grief when you say that your “self-imposed deadline” is foolish. What we learn to do with our grief is live with it. We learn to live day to day and that is where the balance comes in ~ we blend our grief with our present situation and as a living, human being we focus on being the best we can be here, now and until it is our turn to die naturally and be with our spouses.

We do not spit wrath at one another, Chris. We instead open our arms to you and accept where you are. We have been where you are, Chris, and I know you don’t want to believe it but things do change. Thank you for sharing your pain here and I for one am so glad that your Paula “intervened.”

Anne

[mfh]

Dear Chris, Please know I agree fully with Marty and will not repeat what she said. We are here for you and I know you want to be here for other members and we shall all go forward together...supporting one another in love and caring.

Peace

Mary

[boogieman]

Apologies for exaggerating. There has been a certain amount of push-back at the mention of

"taking ones life" due to extreme pain. Some deal with issues in a very different manner for many untold

and unknown reasons. Some are not as strong as others. Some have different thought processes, right or wrong,

that lead to very different conclusions.

It will not happen from here again.

My Paula did in fact intercede to prevent this occurrence.

For that I am truly grateful.

She showed me a path to lessen the unbearability of my situation.

I began the steps this afternoon.

[marsha]

Chris - I'm taking what I read from your post - that your fear is if you "move" you'll lose Paula. I can tell you, at almost 6 years, that it won't happen. My life is different now, yes, with all the angst/joy that living life entails. Joe's with me, always. It get different, that's all. Don't be afraid. The way I see it - and I have more loved ones in heaven than here on earth - is that we just have a little more time here.

[heidi1]

Chris, if you have found a path to lessen the unbearableness of your situation please tell me what it is, in the hope that it might help me, or point me in the right direction at least. Today I enquired of the funeral director whether Roberts' grave will take me too, and thankfully it is a double grave, so I can go in there as well, aside from anything else it saves money not having to buy another plot next to him, even if that were available, I wouldn't have liked not being next to him.

[boogieman]

Heidi, every situation and circumstance is unique and different.

As you may know, My Paula stays in some form of contact with me,

usually about 2-3 times a week.

Usually through ringing the doorbell at totally unexpected hours.

But also through dreams and visions.

Early Wednesday morning she came to me in the depts of my dispair

to rescue me from the action I had taken.

My Love told me that I did not need to grieve so very intensely

or desperately for her any longer. She relieved me of the obligation to do so

with the intensity of before.

Of course I will continue to grieve and miss her greatly.

Hopefully not to the extreme extent as before.

In that vein, she suggested several things I could do to relieve the stress

I carry constantly.

At present I have her remains on the mantle over the fireplace and many

pictures throughout the house. I have wanted to find a nice appropriate sized

open or glass shelved cabinet unit so I can place her in an honored place in

our bedroom, a place we designed and decorated as our resort-like retreat at the end of a day.

Checking today I found just the right style, finish, color, and design, to fit very well with our

bedroon furniture.

My Paulas vehicle was sold last summer to help our son financially. I drive my truck almost exclusively. I am going to sell our car as it rarely gets used and is in fact a financial burden.

I am going to finally have the patio cover replaced that was hail damaged several years ago.

I am going to see an optomerist and get the glasses I need badly.

I am finally going to sell several of the auto related items I have collected for some extra cash-flow.

I am going to have my truck hood and roof repainted. Texas summers are brutal.

I am going to find a church to attend.

All these items, and several others, have had to be put on-hold the last 4 years while we

focusing on My Paula and her treatments. We lived very close to the edge financially for that

4 year period not spending a single penny needlessly to pay for her medical expenses,

about $125,000 plus $450/mo for insurance for almost 3 years.

Wednesday morning was the culmination of that 4 years of extreme stress and turmoil.

My Paula gave me permission to let these negatives go and finally address the needed items

around our home, especially designed and remodeled for her. She loves this house, her "nest"

as I affectionately refer to it.

All this I now see as her plan to reduce the extreme levels of stress I have been subject to

these past 4 years. Doing so should certainly allow me to put everything into perspective,

including being better able to make the needed adjustments in my life.

A life without My Love by my side but patiently waiting for me.

I want and need her to be proud of me and how I conduct my myself.

I need to be able to hold my head up high and be proud that My love awaits me.

As difficult as this all sounds I see the possibilities of a less encumbered life

where I can hopefully focus my energies in a more positive manner and begin to cultivate

a new extended relationship with My Love unhindered by the trappings of this world.

I know, heddy language for me. But My Paula has opened a door for me and I never could

tell her "no" in matters of import to her.

If she can make the effort to accomodate me, I must try to accomodate her in this matter.

Her love and respect are that important to me.

You see, I am still passionately in love with My Paula and will always be so.

I can do no less than try, can I.

I don't know if any of this resonates with anyone but I hope it does somehow.

Your present intinsity will not last indefinately. When and how that revelation comes

to another is unknowable. In my case, I took extreme drastic measures to reach that state

of awareness. I hope to move into that reality with My Loves help and guidance.

I know this is far from over, but thanks to My Love, I see a possible way through the darkness.

This all very new for me and I have no idea what lies ahead but know I must try for My Paula

if for no other reason.

I have asked our children to keep our remains together wherever that might be.

I can not be apart from My Love, either. Very comforting, isn't it.

Chris

[Queeniemary]

Chris, your post is so very heartening, and I am so very happy that Paula intervened with you when you were at your darkest. Of course you will continue to grieve, and will miss her greatly, but I am so very glad that she has helped you to see that she does not expect you to continue so intensely and that she wants you to do things to honor her and the house she loved, as well as honoring yourself. You are important Chris, not only to Paula, but to us here. I loved seeing the list of things, your goals, it shows a person planning to make an effort to live, and I am happy to see it.

My husband's remains are in a red rock urn from AZ, and sits on a bookcase in my living room, under a portrait that a friend painted of Mike after his death. His "Tony Joe White" hat that says "poke Salad Annie" on it, hangs on a corner of the portrait. Those items will be there until my death, then my children have instructions to have our ashes mixed and then buried next to my baby son, who is next to my parents. I have not bought a stone yet, I probably should get that done sometime. I am a procrastinator.

I am glad that you did have support from some family and friends on your dark day

.

I will tell you that Arkansas is becoming very beautiful, and the Ozarks are getting into full bloom. Might soon be a good time to make a trip to visit your brother in the Fayetteville area.

QMary

[boogieman]

Thank you QMary. The hardest part of any endeavor is getting started isn't it.

Am having second thoughts on moving My Paula to the bedroom. Might be too isolated

for my convenience. You see, I still want and need free access to her.

My Paula's remains are in an antique blown glass vase she inherited from her grand-mother.

Our daughter and DIL created a very nice shadow box filled with keep-sakes and mementos, too.

I will keep them together.

The image of the "hat on the portrait" is priceless.

My brother in Fayetteville, and my brother who lives in central Texas have both invited me there at my discretion.

Not ready yet, but probably need to take them up on the invite sometime.

[Queeniemary]

Chris, I have never considered moving Mike's red rock, or his pictures out of my living room. I figure if it bothers anyone, that is their problem!

I am attaching a picture of the portrait with the hat and his AZ red rock urn. I know he is pleased to be remembered this way. The hat is the same one on him in the picture I use on here. He was a huge fan of Tony Joe White, a swamp blues singer. We went to hear him in concert several times. He bought the hat at one of the concerts, and it was his favorite hat, he wore it all the time. Polk Salad Annie was one of the songs Tony Joe White wrote, as well as Rainy Night in Georgia, those two are the most known. He, however, has written many many songs, and Mike loved them all. His last official picture from work (he was a Detention Officer with the Boone County Sheriff's office) is next to the rock.

Yes Chris, hardest part is getting started, not the easiest thing to do, but somehow I have great confidence now that you will do so. But do remember, this is in your own time, you do not have to punch a clock, or have a time table. Just in your own good time.

Take care

QMary

[mfh]

Chris, I have a rather large oil painting of Bill in my living room. And like Mary I figure if it bothers someone, they can deal with that. I also have another spot in the living room with his photo and a couple of mementos. I find it comforting to look up at this painting often as it is so much who he was here and is now. I attached a photo of the painting.

I also have his favorite jacket and hat hanging on the back of the bedroom door...and some of his rock and gem collection on our cocktail table. Those are treasures and just as I have my mom and dad's photos and photos of friends who have died around, I have Bill's.

You can do this plan you laid out and at your own time and speed and we will all be here to support you as you do so.

Peace

Mary

[kayc]

Chris, I was gone yesterday and have been swamped today and am only now getting on line here to read your post. I hope you understand that we care for you deeply, we've felt your pain all this year, have heard your heart's cry, and while we don't want to see you attempt suicide for many reasons which we've already given you (so I won't go into that here), we certainly understand your feelings. Our feelings are all valid and it takes some time to learn that some are just to be lived through and not acted on. I'm glad your Paula intervened. And I'm glad she gave you permission to take care of the things that have been put on the back burner for so long, I'm also glad to hear of the self-care you have planned for yourself (glasses, etc.). I think that's the one thing I've been learning these last few months...self-care. I'm doing meditations, trying to get my Diabetes under control and also my Neuropathy, taking care of my feet, making doctor's appts. for things I've put off when I was always working. Finally it is time for me! And I hope you find it is time for YOU now too!

I spread George's ashes in our back yard. This is the place he called "our home in the clouds", the one place he felt comfortable and at peace with. This is his final resting place. I've told my kids this is where I want MY ashes spread when I go. If I have to sell this house someday when I get truly old, they are to still spread the ashes here...there is another way onto this property and they will use it to access it and quickly toss my ashes where his are and then go back to the adjoining property to say their final prayers. I figure it will be like an adventure for them.

[heidi1]

Mary,

That's a lovely picture of your Bill, you must almost feel as if he's in the room with you, I know some people struggle with seeing pictures of their loved ones early on, but I had to face it straight away as the children wanted a big photo of Robert at the funeral, it now resides on the hearth and i see it as I sit here and write. Tomorrow would have been our 40th wedding anniversary, in our wedding photos all the apple blossom is out, and in our garden I can see it will be in full bloom tomorrow. Oh how my heart aches, instead of anniversary cards tomorrow, the 'sympathy' ones will still be there, I intend to leave them there a month from when we put him into the ground. I left the blinds drawn until the funeral, I don't know if you do that in the U.S., but here in England, all the curtains or blinds closed is a sign there has been a death in the family. Five weeks tomorrow night, and I seem to sink further into grief.

Chris,

I understand the thought of wanting your love to be proud of you. I try to dress ok (but I wear black all the time), I brush my hair and make an effort, WHY? I really couldn't care less about myself. It's because in some strange way I don't want Robert to be ashamed of me.

Heidi.