Understanding My First Year Of Grief

[enna]

I think it is one of our rules to not plug something on the forum but I think this may be an exception to the rule. If not, you will not see this post!

I direct this to anyone really but mostly to those who are new to grief. Our moderator has an e-course that takes you through that first year after you have lost a loved one. I thought that the e-course was excellent. I chose to get the e-mails twice a month and what I learned from those session and the links attached taught me that I could get through these early stages of my grief.

What I have learned on this journey and I will try to tell you without going into the course itself otherwise I may be taken down for copyright!

Grief is a journey that we must take an active part in with the help of resources available to us. It is our journey and we must decide how we are going to face it – are we going to be negative or positive about it? We will and do change – losing someone you love does that to us. Everything we experience is ‘normal’ – I liked this idea because there were days that I thought I was losing my mind so when I came across this I felt somewhat hopeful! I also liked the idea that we all grieve in our own way and ‘it takes as long as it takes’ for each one of us.

The constant reminder that everything we do takes ‘courage’ - I found that just getting out of bed, dressing, brushing my teeth, eating something those first months was a challenge that I didn’t think I’d ever conquer or want to! I wanted to stay under the covers (actually I think I did) for a long while.

I never thought of it before but the idea that we will not be faced with the whole impact of grief all at once helped me to see that grieving is a ‘process’ – it can’t be hurried – it will last my lifetime especially losing my Jim of forty years.

I struggled with the idea that perhaps I was depressed after awhile but then with help and reading and coming on the forum I realized that I was in pain and the deep sorrow I felt was just that - sorrow.

There are many myths about grief and the one thing I learned after and actually during taking this e-course was to read and educate myself about what is and what is not grief. I was fortunate to have the services of a Hospice of the Valley Grief Counselor and I did take advantage of those services – at first I said, “No Way!” but then I called (courage) and asked if someone could come out just to talk. Well, I have two more sessions (after a year) with my ‘angel’ here on earth and I am glad that I did not think myself above using the services available. She somehow managed to bring my head and my heart together so that I have no problem now crying and spending an entire session blabbing away as she looks at me with a smile on her face. I still have some trouble coming on the forum and talking about things – I think it is my insecurity in my ability to trust that I will not be judged for what I say. I know this in theory now I just have to believe it in myself. I know we all have something to contribute for I have witnessed it over the last ten months.

I better bring this to a close before you wonder why I’m even posting this in the first place. Remember, I was telling you that there is an e-course available that I want to direct you to - http://www.griefhealing.com/articles-columns-books.htm

Scroll down to e-mail courses and find: The First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey by our moderator.

My journey is just beginning but I feel that I have a healthy outlook on this ‘new’ path I must take. We hear over and over again ‘one minute, one hour, one day at a time’ – We will get there. I believe it. I choose to believe it. I will not be surprised when I find myself wondering what in the world is happening to me? I thought I was farther/further along!! Why in the world are these 'grief bursts' popping up now! Anne

[mfh]

Well said, Anne. I am sure this post will be helpful to not only people in their first year of grief but to others as well. Good for you for putting this together and sharing it. It is filled with helpful messages first year or tenth year. Thank you, Mary

[Wifflesnook]

Really good Anne, and comes from a person who like me, has managed to survive a year. We need all the help we can get, and Marty's course is full of wisdom.

[MartyT]

Anne, my dear, it is gratifying to learn that you found the online course so helpful, and I so appreciate your saying so. I just want to add that everything that's in that course is available elsewhere, whether it's in books, articles, websites, blog posts, in-person classes, grief support groups or material that is available from bookstores, libraries, hospices, mortuaries and places of worship. What makes the difference in your own progress is your willingness to avail yourself of that information, take it to heart and use it in ways that work for you.

As you know, I am a firm believer in educating ourselves about what is normal (and therefore to be expected) in grief so we can better understand what is happening to us and recognize what we can do to manage it. I also think that participating in this online forum (even if it is only to read what is posted here by our members) offers an amazing opportunity to learn from the bereaved themselves what normal grief is. Obviously we are unique individuals and grief is different for all of us, but there are so many common elements, and it is so helpful to know that we are not alone in how we experience it and how we can learn to live with it.

And Mary, you're right ~ whatever we learn in that first year is applicable to every year that follows. We're never really finished with our grief, any more than we are finished with learning how to carry it. ♥

[kayc]

Thank you, Anne, very well said. And it's never too late to start either. Remember the gentleman that lost his GF when they were teens and it was years later and he was just then starting to deal with his grief? If we try to go around our grief or leave it behind, it will follow us and hunt us down, it WILL be reckoned with, and whether it's been a day, month, year or years, we must do our grief journey unless we want it always still lurking in the background, haunting us.

I didn't take that course, I couldn't afford $ for anything extra, when I lost George, I lost half our income and still had the bills to pay, but I have derived countless help here, and referrals, many, many books have been suggested here. The first few months I bought a lot of books or had them given to me. I have never been able to get my focus back for reading like I used to though, so that made it hard to get through them. I don't know why, maybe it damaged my brain. I wouldn't be surprised. Or a combination of that and old age? But I think if we're open to it, we get the message we need to hear, one way or another, God has a way of putting it in front of us. I do wish I'd made use of the course though, because it was undoubtedly organized and didn't leave anything out. :

[pumkin]

Dear Anne,

When I arrived home from church today, I just cried and cried. I felt so alone, but coming to this forum and reading your words were so soothing to my soul. I'm in my tenth month grieving for my Marco and these grief bursts just take one by surprise. Wish I could hug everyone on this forum. Thank you, thank you so very, very much for being here. I plan to check out the on-line course by Marty, our Angel. Peace & Love to all of you.

[Guest babylady]

i didn't take the course and i have survived the first year. 5/27/13 was the one year anniversary of john's death. i thought i was doing better for a while, but i'm not. my friend says "2 steps forward -- 1 step backward". i feel as if i've taken 5 steps back. my health problems and being alone here without family or friends doesn't help. i don't have the energy or inclination to do anything. most days are spent lying in bed watching tv.

i am seeing a therapist. i guess it's helping. dont' really know. i told her that when monkey (my cat) dies i'm going to will myself to die. she didn't freak. she said "do you think you've accomplished everything you're supposed to in this life"? i said "i'm not sure -- if i didn't have health problems i'd like to do more".

john's clothes are all gone, but the other day i opened his medicine cabinet and realized i hadn't taken care of that. a little while ago i threw everything out -- razors, shaving cream, peroxide, aramis cologne which he hadn't worn in years because i had become chemically sensitive. i remember when he wore it -- he'd come into my bedroom in the morning before he left for work and kiss me goodbye. my blanket would retain the smell which i loved. i was the one who got him to use it when we first met. we were together almost 42 years.

had a big argument with my sister in SC 3 weeks ago. we will never speak again. it was brewing for a long time. i'm actually relieved. i don't have to see her vacuous posts on facebook (she blocked me) or wait for her occasional phone calls which would only last a few minutes because she was always on her way someplace. the worst thing she did to me was less than 2 months after john's death. i called her and she said "i can only talk to you for 5 minutes -- the bachelorette is going on". i said "can you call me when it's over"? she said "it's a 2 hour special -- i'll probably be too tired". the bachelorette is more important than your sister. good lord. i was so hurt.

well enough of my rant. hope everyone is doing okay. sorry for the rant.

arlene

[mfh]

Dear Arlene,

I am sorry your days have seemingly taken a turn. I do know that when my second year began that happened to me also. I was told by my grief counselor that often year 2 is just as hard or harder in a different way as the reality of the loss becomes very much more real and as secondary losses seem to surface to our awareness to a greater degree. It is not going backwards...it is the journey...unpredictable. to say the least.

I am also sorry about your relationship with your sister. It is pretty unbelievable that she would put a TV show over your plea to share. I am so sorry. Families sometimes are just unable to respond.

Never apologize for "ranting". That is what this forum is about among other things. No one will judge your rant, as you call it.

I am glad you are seeing a therapist. I also did that in the first and second years. It helps a lot.

Mary

[enna]

Thank you for your responses to my post. I appreciate your feedback.

Mary, yes, I am learning that our grief goes on and our need to continue to understand it will go on – one thing that I am learning from being on this forum – we learn from one another.

Jan, what can I say – you and I have traveled this journey now for a year. I have gained strength from you and so appreciated our honesty with each other – it is good and healing not to have to be ‘on guard’ during this grief journey. I can imagine that we will travel for many more years learning from each other’s journey.

We do have some good teachers. I’m even learning that it is ok to just ‘be still’ in my sorrow.

Marty, you have been wise in your offerings to all of us. And I agree with you that this journey is not finished. It will be finished when we take our last breaths and we are once again united with all those we love – what a reunion! I also am a firm believer that we need to educate ourselves and open ourselves to others who have gone before us – we have much to learn and to give. I have found that this forum is a sanctuary for all and it does make our travels a bit easier to bare/bear!

Kay, you always have wise words for us. Your spirit is one of the things that gave me the courage to face my own grief. And I do remember the gentleman who lost his GF and who put his grief on a back burner, so to speak, only to find out that the grief was still waiting for him years later. What treasures we have found here, in books, and with all the referrals. I think I told you that I started to read and read those first months and forgot everything I read. I didn’t even remember I had many of the books already on my bookshelves. I learned that that also is ‘normal’ in grief.

I think many can relate to the finance trauma many face after a loved one dies. The sacrifices that have to be made are real.

Pumkin, I remember your earlier posts and the heartache you experienced over your dear Marco’s death. Ten months is such a short time and I believe that we will have those ‘grief bursts’ forever. We need to take this journey slowly and be aware that we will never be as we were – we can learn to accept our new lives and we will always remember that the hole in our hearts will always be there. One thing that we all do have and that is each other. Sending you hugs and understanding.

Arlene, it is a nice surprise to see you online again. Yes, I know that you and I began this grief journey only a few days apart. We have shared pain and your health issues in the past. I am sorry that things have not gotten better for you.

I was happy when I found out that you did start seeing a therapist – remember, you are grieving and grieving will not be over – we will only learn to accept it and hopefully find more joys from our loved ones to focus on as we move through this grief. Personal belongings are such an individual issue to deal with. We must each deal with things in our own time. It was months before I found Jim’s slippers under the bed and I chose to just leave them there. I only recently moved them to the garage. I am so sorry that you had the argument with your sister but I know that you have had difficulty with her in the past. If you feel relieved – leave it for now but I hope you can work things out. I would give anything to have even one of my four siblings alive but they are not and that is sad for me. There is just something about having a sister to talk to. Again that is something we learn to accept. Anne

[enna]

I found these today and I think they fit all of us.

[feralfae]

Dear Anne,

Just what I needed to hear this morning, thank you so very much. There are days when it seems that it would be easier to forget that I am I, and just close down and watch the world go by.

I did a meditation last night while falling asleep, gathering my entire sense of being into my breath, then into my heart, and just being in peace.

I miss having time -- and a good internet connection, as my dear friend has a small signal and mifi which is weak -- to sit and catch up on posts here, to let everyone's words of wisdom soak in, to read posts two or three times, and to focus on the on the feelings behind the precious words from so many caring hearts. I am going to give it a go right now, reading your posts.

Thank you.

fae

[kayc]

Anne, I love that! But then, I love Dr. Seus.

Arlene, I'm sorry to hear about your sister's lack of support; you must do what is best for your ultimate healing and preservation. It's not uncommon for people to find their second year harder to do than the first. I hesitate to say anything to that affect on here for fear of unsettling those approaching their second year and I recognize that everyone's journey is unique.

[Wifflesnook]

I bought two Dr Seuss stories to read to Ellie, but really for me, because I used to read them to her mother and uncle when they were small. I love Dr. Seuss. Thanks Anne.

[enna]

Hello dear friends that I have not responded to from the above post. Fae, you are in my thoughts daily. Walk slowly in what you are doing with the house and paper work. Kay and Jan we are certainly kindred spirits when it comes to Dr. Suess. And Kay, it is important that you continue to share with us even about the second year and how hard it could be - several of us are entering that time right now and I know that my grieving is far from over. The post below is just what I wrote after doing some thinking about solitude and loneliness - it's about the joy and pain of being alone.

Solitude/Loneliness: The Joy and Pain of Being Alone

Living in an empty home is not easy. There is no one to talk with, and the chair opposite mine is empty. My home seems to echo from the silence and I shed tears as I think about now being alone. So many years together and now so many memories are all I have left. Losing Jim has changed my entire life because he was also my best friend. I used to feel completely lost and totally uncomfortable making even minor decisions but that has changed somewhat. The bed feels big and I hug the pillows for comfort. It is still big. Going to bed is hard when you are used to snuggling with your love as you fall asleep. I miss that.

I am starting to understand that I can be alone without the despair of loneliness. When I want contact with others I have learned that I must ask for it – it is all right to ask someone to go to lunch, to come for coffee, to go to a movie or concert, to call someone and talk. It is also all right to want to be by myself – read books, watch movies, meditate, write, use the Internet, walk Benji, do yard work – some of these things I call being in solitude or the joy of being alone.

I like the feeling of being happy. I know that happiness comes from within so I try to be optimistic. Believe me, it does not always work! There are also times when I have been down in a deep hole not wanting to climb out or be with anyone. I think that this is part of adjusting to a loss. They say almost everything is ‘normal’ when you are grieving.

Believe it or not, I like to learn new things. I think it helps with the loneliness. I am learning how to play the piano. I think I mentioned this before in a post. My competition is my six-year old granddaughter – she plays better than I do and has even told me that she would help me practice so I get better! That put a smile on my face. We do phone concerts together!

It took me a year but I have joined a glass fusion class and a quilting group – both of these are for selfish reasons. The glass fusion class will help me use a few pieces of broken cocoa mug that belonged to Jim and got broken. Talk about a ‘grief burst’ – I think I wrote about it in another thread! The quilting class will work with me as I make my first hanging mural using Jim’s ties in a geometric design with his favorite background (blue). I am slowly learning that there are ways to be alone without being lonely.

Oh, I almost forgot. I rescued a dog in January. We have had pets before and I even have a granddog but these were family dogs not my own. Benji found me actually or I like to say that we found each other. I have also posted about Benji and one thing I am learning is that my dog gives we loads of affection. Yes, I do talk to him – I remember asking if that was ‘normal’ and I was assured that it indeed was – he has not talked back so I don’t think I need to seek any professional advice!

One last thing - when you are grieving it is all right if you forget what you have said, done, or tried. Our brains do go into some form of freeze but eventually we do get back some of those cells!! I hope! Anne

[ShanN]

Thank you Anne

It's five days since my love passed.

But grief is not new to me. My Mama, my Nana, my Uncle....

But what's new is how gut wrenching and numb and lost this particular loss is.

[enna]

Oh my dear Shannon,

I know that your beloved Leo passed only a few short days ago. Again I am so very sorry. I have been following all your posts. I think that you are a very courageous lady for all the suffering and pain that you have had and are now enduring. I hold you in my heart and I think you are very brave. I am so happy that you found this forum where you will continue to find love and support during the months to come.

Yes, it is quite another experience to lose a spouse. I too have lost many people in my life including all four of my siblings, my parents, grandparents and others who have been so dear to me. I am and will continue to struggle with the loss of my Jim. He was my life for forty years. I can tell you that as the months go on you will feel somewhat better - you will always long for and miss your Leo. You are a very strong, young women. You have many loved ones who are now with you and they will always be with you. I believe that your mama and Leo have met and they will take care of you on this earth until you meet again. That is my belief. Anne

[ShanN]

Thank you dear Anne.

((((Hugs))))

I try to imagine my Mama and my Nana finally meeting Leo... But I just can't yet. I guess it will come in time.

[Wifflesnook]

Anne I love your brave piece, and I will use it as an inspiration. I'm struggling with the same issues as you are. How to be alone after a close and happy and long partnership, which we expected to go on much longer. How stupid was that? But I still feel robbed. I have to come to terms with so many things and I am so far far from doing so. But I'm trying.

[kayc]

Anne,

How beautifully written, your post! I'll have to go back and peruse some of my 2nd year posts...

Shannon,

I have had many losses too but none compared with my George. It hits at every level of your life. I think to be a child and lose your mother it most feel the same way as they impact your life so much growing up.

[danocolor1]

My name is Dan, This is all too new to me. I lost my soulmate of 52yrs & 11 mos. on Feb 26,2013. She was 69 and I am 71. We were childhood sweethearts and I think that she was the only one that really understood me. She gave us 3 lovely children and we were and are very proud of them. They are all happily married and i have 4 grandchildren. I certainly hope this is not a female only website.I certainly would not like to interfere with that. She had 2 strokes a bleed and a clot in a period of 1 mo. June 1999. I was her caregiver from 1999 to Feb.26 2013. I would gladly do it all over again. Judy had many medical issues from thyroid, to kidney, to liver problems. She finally passed from liver failure. I will not bore you with all of her ailments, but she was my EVERYTHING. I dearly miss her and sometimes i really dont know how to go on or what to do. Our son and daughter-in-law flew me to Atlanta for three weeks in May. I live in Chandler AZ. The time spent with them was good but a big void existed in my heart. The first month was not too bad in my grief, even into the second month, but in May when i got back home, all hell broke loose. I think i finally came to realize that she WAS GONE and not coming back. I cry at the drop of a hat. I have a hospice counseler once every 2 weeks and group every 2 weeks. I have not yet said anything at group about Judy at all. I am very private man and it takes me quite a while to trust people, This passing of Judy has shook my entire world and it is very personal to me. Believe me i do need help. I would like to find out about Marty and her e-mail program.

[enna]

Hello, Dan. Welcome to this forum. First of all, NO, it is not just for women. This caring site is for all who come here and need to be with people who understand grief.

I am so very sorry that you lost your soulmate, Judy. It sounds like you had a beautiful life together. What a wonderful thing that you did in caring for her during her illness. We caregivers are a special breed. I can say that because I cared for my beloved Jim during his Alzheimer's decline. I treasured every minute of it. We were married for forty years so I do understand when you say Judy was your EVERYTHING. Jim was mine.

What you are doing right now, Dan, is slowly coming out of the fog that we are in when a trauma of this magnitude hits us. We are protected from the full impact of the loss. Your grief journey is just beginning but I can assure you that you will not walk this journey alone. This forum will be with you. How wonderful that a hospice counselor recommended this to you. I could not have gotten through this past year without the gentle guidance of my hospice counselor. I am here in AZ and I know just how wonderful the Hospice of the Valley is - their team took care of my Jim and my family during his final days. I have only admiration for all of them. I also am a private person. It is not easy for me to express my feelings but since I have been on this forum I have learned that no one here judges you. Our journeys last for as long as they last. We are a family who understands loss.

Now, you asked about Marty and her e-mail e-course. You can find this course if you follow the link here - http://www.griefhealing.com/articles-columns-books.htm

Just click on the link healing courses or scroll down to the online class entitled - Finding Your Way Through Grief:A Guide for the First Year.

Others will have many things to say and I hope you will be with us whenever you want to be. Anne

[Wifflesnook]

Dear Dan

I'm so pleased that you have found this forum. You will find that there are men on this site too. My husband Pete died last year after suffering a serious stroke. He lived for six months after the stroke, a hard time I hardly can bear to think about, but not so hard as it is to live without him. We had been married 50 years and he was my life. I'm struggling to live on without him. I'm the same age as you. I have found this forum to be a lfe line. Please share with us your memories of Judy and your lfe together, and your feelings now, which will be of such pain. No one understands until they have suffered the loss of their soul mate. But we do. Jan in England

[mfh]

Dear Dan,

I am so glad you found your way to our wonderful circle of caring people. We do have men in our circle though not as many as women but you are so very welcome to be here with us. I am also sorry that your beloved Judy died. Anne is so right about the fog lifting. We seem to do ok during those early months because of it. I do not mean we don't sob and wail and feel such gut wrenching pain but the fog lifts slowly and all of reality seems to descend upon us and wrap itself around us and through us. You will find this a welcoming place filled with understanding and caring people who ALL understand loss and make no judgments of others. You will feel a bit less alone as you begin to know all of us. I lost my Bill 3 years and 2+ months ago and never thought I would be able to deal with this loss. We were like two bodies and one soul. I carry this pain and grief and loss with greater ease now but it is with me every day and I ride the roller coaster dipping down into my pain and up and out again often....but with greater ease. As Jan said, we would all welcome hearing about Judy. We love to tell others about our loved ones and we listen when you talk. Come back often. Take care of yourself (diet, exercise etc) and take one day at a time. Coming home is always hard...the silence in the house is deafening.

Separation By W. S. Merwin

Your absence has gone through me

Like thread through a needle.

Everything I do is stitched with its color.

W. S. Merwin, “Separation” from The Second Four Books of Poems

Peace to your heart, Mary

[kayc]

Dan,

I am so sorry you lost your beloved Judy. This is a very caring site and we all welcome you here, and yes there are plenty of men here, although many of them seem to be taking a break for now.

I'm glad you are in a group and hope you will eventually feel comfortable enough to share with them. This place is very safe place to share your feelings and experiences, you can be as anonymous as you choose to be.

I hope you will do some reading here so you can see that much of what you are going through, others have also. You are not alone.

If you search any of our posts, you can read our posts from the early months of loss and I'm sure you see we have cried out the same things as you may be feeling right now.

[danocolor1]

Dear enna,jan.c,mfh,and kay.c, thank you so very much for your consideration, it means so much at this time. i did join marty's e-mail class and i am looking forward to it. When i did read your posts, i bet i used 2 or 3 tissues per post to wipe the tears. It really got to me, the love and care you gave me.i have never had that experience before, except from our wonderful daughter Sherri. She is my confident. I can trust her with anything. I have made a doctors appointment for mon. june 10. to see if i am depressed. I have no energy whatsoever, I go to bed about mid-nite and get up about 12:00 or 1:00. i sit by my computer read some news, for what that is worth, read e-mails, facebook and then i read the grief pages. I do get alot from the grief pages. I do find out how many other people have to suffer also. WHY? Is there not an easy fix for this problem? I surely have not been through this kind of thing before,even when my parents passed. I get very impatient about things like this, is it that i have no control over it? I just get so frustrated with the situation i don't know how to handle it. I trust in GOD but i think my trust has been shaken a bit, not that i want it to be that way. My Sherri and I go to church and that is very comforting, if i don't start crying. I just get so embarresed if i cry in front of other people that is why i do not tell about my JUDY in group. Don't you know that grown men don't cry? I was taught that from young on. I do cry in front of Sherri but that is ok. I will start relaying info about my JUDY in upcoming posts.