Thank You...for Being There For Me When The World Was The Darkest.

[Lina]

I lost my Arthur 14 months ago. I joined you all shortly after, but found that I was so filled with rage that I could not handle being here. As a young widow I felt so jealous of everyone who had gotten more time with their beloved. I still have moments when I feel angry, cheated and jealous of those who still have their beloveds. I was married to Arthur for 10 months and 4 days before he died at the age of 36.

Anyway...I just wanted to let whomever remembers me know I am ok...still struggling at times...this has been a hard spring. We lost my husbands senior German Shepard right around the one year anniversary of my husbands death. That was a real blow, but his other dog Couper is doing well...which is a comfort.

I still cry sometimes without warning, I still talk to him, I still feel married to him...even though people keep asking when I am going to start dating again...my answer is always "when I no longer feel like Arthur's wife." As long as I still feel married to my husband I am not going to date anyone else. I hate being called single...I did not divorce my husband...he did not choose to leave me...thus I am not single...not yet. Maybe someday I will feel single again...but for now I accept where I am on this journey and i am giving myself time to heal.

I am sorry I left without warning. Everyone was so loving and supportive. I was concerned I would start lashing out at people. The rage was so huge inside me. I am doing better...but as we all know it is a process.

I do feel I have made progress...I can now see my blessings...I know how blessed I am to have had the time I did...even if it was too short. I know Arthur could have died before I even met him. Our time together was a gift from God and I am grateful for it. Losing him was the most painful thing I have ever experiences, but that brief window of time was worth the pain. Loving him and being loved by him was worth the pain.

When I first lost Arthur I seriously consider suicide...eventually I realized I had to live...my daughter still needs me...just recently I realize I WANT to live. I do not feel done with this journey and I feel confident that Arthur will not go too far ahead of me on his. He sent me a dream and let me know he is right there on the other side of the door, waiting for it to be my time and that he is ok waiting.

I am not sure why I felt compelled to write you all...but I needed you to know I am ok...I love you all and I am grateful for all the support you gave me when I was the most lost. Knowing that what I was feeling and experiencing was "normal" helped so much. I was not crazy, I was grieving. Thank you.

Love always,
Lina

[enna]

My dear Lina,

This is such a blessing to hear from you once again. You have been in my heart all these months and I am so happy that you are doing well. As you say, this grief of ours is a process and we will never 'be done' with this journey. You will always carry Arthur in your heart as I carry my Jim.

I am sorry that you lost Arthur's senior german shepard. I did rescue the most lovable Shipperke-poodle in January. His name is Benji. I love him so and he is such a good companion. Thank you for coming back and letting us know you are doing alright. Anne

[melina]

Lina,

I still feel angry - even now at 34 months. But the anger isn't as bad as it was early on. I also still feel envious - mostly of those who still have husbands, but also of those who feel no guilt or who feel they've been as perfect a spouse as possible.

I also thought of suicide early on - but I knew I could never do that to our sons. Still - the thought popped up from time to time.

All the things you're going through and have mentioned here - they're all normal. But each of us also has a unique grief, since each of us are unique individuals with a unique history. Share what you feel you need to share - and I think I can guarantee that someone here will say they recognize it and understand.

Melina

[MartyT]

How lovely that you cared enough to return to us to deliver that message, dear Lina ~ Thank you so much for your thoughtfulness. ♥

[kayc]

Of course we remember you, and it's good to hear from you! I don't feel angry but I do remember going through an angry stage. We were still considered honeymooners, married 3 years and 8 months. I think at 20 years we still would have been though, because it's how we interacted, how we saw each other. I know it feels unfair that some get their whole lives together and some get gypped, but I truly believe we would not have felt any better about it losing them after 50 years than what we got. We can't compare losses...each of our losses seems the greatest in the world.

I'm glad you're doing better, and that it is at least cope-able.

[KATPILOT]

Lina,

You can be sure that he is okay waiting. Time just has to be different on the other side. I get so many messages from Kathy that leads me to understand that she comes and goes and can be in a number of places almost anywhere at any time. We can also be pretty sure that they don't feel the same as we do with human flesh that is weighed down by gravity.

I can understand your journey so far as I too wished for death at first if nothing else but to catch up with her before she got to far away. I also could have never done that to my two sons. I understand that you had not been together for a long time and Kathy and I were only together for 15 years but perhaps like me you knew that you had finally found the true love. It doesn't matter how long......it matters how deep. It seems so sad when you do meet that one person who was so perfect and then they leave so soon.

For now, do come and talk. It helps the soul to share with others even if you are feeling stronger. There may be times when it grief comes hard. I am over two years now and I still find great comfort here.

One thing I wanted to ad was that for me there never was any anger. Sorrow was the only thing I could recognize. At first, and even still, when I see couples holding hands and just being in love I actually fear for them that one might die and the other be like me. They look so vulnerable yet so unaware.. The truth is though, you cannot truly love without risking loss.

Stephen