How Are You?

[Daisy3228]

Hi everyone, my husband Terry was diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer in November last year, and died in early July, aged 60.

We've lived in a smallish town for almost 40 years, so know many of the local people. I've always been very active, and I walk at least an hour every day, as well a practising yoga to manage a chronic back condition. While Terry first became ill, exercise was a really great stress buster for me, however it eventually became difficult because so many people would stop me to ask after Terry, and instead of walking being relaxing, it became very stressful, causing me a lot of anxiety. I was always scanning around hoping I wouldn't run into anyone I know and would have to have THAT conversation again. I needed a break from the details of his treatment and progress, and I felt really frustrated that I couldn't even go for a walk in peace. For the same reason, I went to the supermarket really early in the morning after being reduced to tears too often.

I want to start walking again but now have the problem of people asking me how I'm going, and wanting to talk about Terry, his illness, death, cancer etc, and I just can't stand it anymore. I want to be more forward focused and recover from what has the most traumatic seven months of my life. Continually talking about it is makes me anxious and is re-traumatizing me. I realise that people are being kind and compassionate, but I wish the vast majority would just leave me alone now.

Has anyone dealt with this situation and can offer me some advice?

Daisy

[kayc]

Have you considered driving someplace more private and walking?

I am sorry for your loss. Losing my husband was the hardest thing I've gone through. You have found a very good place here, a place of healing and encouragement, a safe place, a place where others listen and respond. I hope this will be the lifesaver to you that it has been to me.

[enna]

I am very sorry for your loss, Daisy. After reading your post I see that you are very early in your grief. I can understand that you need a break from those last months of Terry’s illness. I can assure you that it will not be long before people stop asking you how you are doing. This has been my experience. For a while, comfort calls came, people stopped by and even family was right there beside me. Then all of that stopped. People went on with their lives and I was left to my aloneness without the one person that I spent forty years with. I longed for someone to stop me and ask about my Jim. I wanted to talk about him. I wanted to share with others how much I missed him. But that did not happen. After awhile people went on with their daily lives and I was left alone to shop by myself, go for walks by myself, eat by myself, etc…

I don’t know how small your town is but if you want to walk can you go somewhere away from your home and do your walking? If not, can you stop for a minute and tell those who stop you that you are timing yourself and really don’t want to slow down but thank you for your concern. People do mean well.

Each one of us is different so I understand how you may feel traumatized by talking about those last painful months. We eventually need to talk about our experience so that we are able to begin living our new lives. The more I talked about my Jim’s death the easier it became for me to accept it.

This is a wonderful and safe place to come to share as much or as little as you’d like to share. In time, the good memories become what you talk about and that is what gives you peace.

Anne

[Wifflesnook]

Dear Daisy

Welcome to our forum though I wish you didn't need to be here. I am so very very sorry about your husband. I'm in England. My husband Pete died after a stroke two and a half years ago ( I can't believe it is so long ago). We had been married almost 50 years. Anne (Enna) and Kay are regular writers on here and their advice is good. We do need to talk but at a time of our own choosing really and you will be feeling so very fragile. Exercise is so important though and you need to be able to do it without feeling tense. Please tell us more about yourself when you feel able. Jan

[Daisy3228]

Dear Kay, Anne and Jan, thank you for your kind replies.

I'm 60 in November, and have an anxiety condition call Complex PTSD, (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) a result of an abusive childhood. As you rightly point out, I'm still very fragile after Terry's illness and death, and PTSD adds another layer of anxiety and stress to what is already a very difficult time for me. I live by myself with my dog. I'm a keen reader, gardener and crocheter, and quite enjoy my solitude. I also meditate and practise mindfulness. I have two adult children, my son lives close by, and my daughter a couple of hours away.

I'm also very fortunate that I have a great group of close friends that are very supportive and I can contact when I need to talk, vent or cry. They regularly visit me and we go walking together.

Last week I had a session with a grief councillor and was told I'm doing really well. I think all the work I've done over the years to recover from PTSD has provided me with many life skills to help me at this horrible time.

Kay and Anne, I do sometimes go to more out of the way places, but I live on the coast, and with the approach of the warmer weather here in Australia, I'd like to return to walking on the beaches with my dog. Most regular walkers are at the beach, people I've met over the years with their dogs, so there's a quite a community of walkers that I've formed casual relationships with. We usually just say hello or comment on the weather, and I'll really just like to get back to that sort of quick contact. What sometimes happens is that as I move along the beach, I'm stopped multiple times and I end up crying or anxious.

Jan, I think what you said about talking at a time of my own choosing is the problem. I think that because I'm out in public, people think I'm ready to resume normal and everyday conversations, and I'm not. I just want to walk. Most want to talk about Terry and his illness and death, and because of the PTSD, it's triggering and re-traumatizing me. Even wearing a hat, sunglasses, listening to my iPod with my earphones in my ears isn't a barrier to people stopping me.

A friend has suggested that I don't make eye contact and just keep on walking and ignore people, using my body language, but that feels quite rude when people mean well and are being kind. I guess my problem is that Terry and I know so many people, and it feels like I've lost my privacy and personal space.

Any thoughts would be gratefully received.

Daisy

[JeL]

Daisy, I'm very sorry for your loss with your husband's recent death and all the changes and adjustments that brings. My husband died after a short illness with cancer last year. Your dilemma is a familiar one to me.

Sometimes I'm okay answering the "how are you" question. Other times I'm in a happy place and the question jolts me into sadness that I've successfully put aside for awhile, yet I want to acknowledge their kind intentions without seeming rude or stand-off-ish. One strategy I use is to have a few scripts in my head such as "I have my ups and downs, thanks for asking. Today's a good day", or "I'm getting back into healthy routines like walking the dog" then either walk on or change the subject to ask about them. Something like that helps me keep it brief, positive, honest, emotionally controlled. I hope perhaps my idea can help you. warmly, Jo

[MartyT]

My dear Daisy,

For what it's worth, I agree with your friend's suggestion that when you're walking and don't wish to talk with others you meet along the way, you simply don't make eye contact with them and keep on walking. I think it begins with your own mind-set, and it requires that you feel quite all right with placing your own needs ahead of all those folks you happen to meet along the way. Clearly you find it difficult, if not harmful to your own state of mind, to engage with others in these circumstances, and for your own protection it's important that you recognize and honor your right (indeed, your obligation) to take care of yourself first. Think of the directions you receive from the attendants when you're on an airplane: if the plane is in trouble, put your own oxygen mask on first before attending to others. In grief, your first obligation is to take good care of YOU, because if you don't do it, who else will? This is not being rude. It is being responsible for your own well-being.

I'm sure that others will weigh in on this matter, but I'd like to offer the following, including the articles listed at the base of the post: In Grief: Responding to "How Are You?"

I also recommend these helpful articles:

How to Be Honest Without Being Harsh

How to End a Conversation Without Being Rude

How to Protect Your Time From Long-Winded Colleagues, Callers, and Other Interruptions

[Daisy3228]

Thank you Jo, and I'm sorry for your loss as well.

My apologies to Kay, Anne and Jan for not acknowledging your losses in my earlier post. I'm really sorry that you've lost your loved ones too.

I've just come back from a walk on the beach, it's a lovely sunny spring day here, and strengthened by your advice, I employed 3 different strategies for the 3 people I came across. The first person lost her husband to suicide 5 years ago, she's lovely and not at all intrusive, and she told some of the ways she went about managing the same issue.

The second person was someone I didn't want to talk to, and as I saw her in the distance, I was able to make a detour and not meet up.

The third person I said smiled and said good morning to, and just kept walking. She was absolutely fine with that and return my smile and greeting. I left the beach feeling more confident and less tense, only to be undone by a song in the car on the way home. Oh well- those cleansing tears!!

Marty, thank you for your advice about putting myself first, something I certainly need to work on. Bringing up a family conditions women to place others first, and I now need to decondition that particular programming. I'll read the articles and learn some strategies to protect myself.

I still have my life to live and don't want to "hide away" at home. For me resuming the things that give me pleasure helps me to move forward.

Daisy

[kayc]

I'm glad your son is nearby, neither of my kids are. I am turning 62 in a couple of weeks, my husband has been gone nine years (he was 51 and I was 52 when it happened). I also have anxiety and enjoy my solitude but I tend to spend too much time alone. My best friend just moved to TX.

If someone persists in prying, you could simply say you aren't up to talking about it yet but appreciate their concern, wave and move on.

It must be wonderful walking at the coast with your dog...I'm up in the mountains.

I'm glad you continue to do the things you love, crocheting, reading, that's great! I make cards and have just recently gotten back into reading.

[Daisy3228]

Hi Kay, I'm sorry you're missing your best friend. My oldest friend lives about 30 minutes away, and we talk every few days, unless I'm having a crisis! She is someone I could call anytime while Terry was ill, so I really feel for you. I hope with programs like Skype and FaceTime, you can still keep in touch in a meaningful way.

I love walking on the beach with my dog, and the area I go most often is where we spread Terry's ashes, so it's extra special for me. I also love the mountains, our family loved to ski and snowboard, and we had some great snow holidays in the US and Canada. Do you like being in the mountains where you live?

I know what you mean about reading, I found it really hard to concentrate initially, but doing better now. After Terry died I read a few books written by people who had also lost their spouses, so it was probably the need to educate myself about grief and reading other peoples stories that got me back to it. Also light escapist fiction or a new releases from my favourite authors worked for me as well. I really love being able to immerse myself in another place and time.

I find crocheting therapeutic and soothing, and I imagine you'd get this with your card making as well.

[kayc]

Yes I love the mountains, although I have never skied. I've lived here a long time, it's where I raised my kids.

After George died, I couldn't read, couldn't focus on it, or get into it, I started more books...all left unfinished. All my life I'd been an avid reader, usually had a couple of books going at a time, used to read before going to sleep and any chance I got, but it hasn't been the same since. I was laid up with an injury this year and bought a Kindle, it helped me get back into it.

I didn't have the desire to make cards after George died, and it'd been my passion, but a couple of ladies from the church came up every Tuesday night to have me "show them how to make cards" and I think that's what kept me in it. I discovered die cutting and have really enjoyed it, incorporated with the stamping. I use about every medium there is, including dryer lint.

My GF is getting married and they're always "on a ride" (motorcycle) or something so usually when I call it goes to voicemail. We talk about once a week but I already feel we're getting out of touch. We used to hang out, have coffee, go to lunch, do the girly things, I miss that. I need new friends.