Bitterness? How Do I Get Out Of It?

[sharirouse]

So in two weeks itll be 2 months since my dad passed and Im going okay, struggling with motivation for college and all that jazz but lately I have been full of anger. I graduated HS with a girl who had her parents do everything for her and her dad was a mean man who through his weight around to get what he wanted and I cant respect people like that but I was recently looking at her Facebook and all I can think is "why me?" why cant someone who only steps on people and does mean things get to live such a happy life and keep both her parents when I had to lose my dad to cancer and this is my ONE chance at getting a degree because I used my dads income for FAFSA.

I dont want to have a pity party but what the heck. why do others get live such an easy life? I would never wish the loss of someone on someone else but why cant I have healthy parents. I am so glad that my dad is no longer suffering but I want him back. I just want a hug.

My best friend told me that its probably because people like that girl couldnt handle losing someone but i dont know. I feel like life is unfair lol

[mfh]

It is common to wonder why others seem to "get off" so easy in life but in the years I have lived I have learned everyone has a story, everyone has pain. We do not know another's pain until we walk in their shoes and that, of course, is impossible. I am so sorry you lost such a good man. Peace, Mary

[enna]

Dr. Alan Wolfelt, MD has a book titled: The Journey Through Grief: Reflections on Healing and in it there is a section titled, "Helping Yourself Heal When a Parent Dies" ~ you might find this helpful.

http://griefwords.com/index.cgi?action=page&page=articles%2Fhelping4.html&site_id=2

Anne

[Amy Wamy]

I seem to wonder that all the time. It seems like everyone I know has both parents, I just have to try and escape parent conversations and hope they don't ask me about mine (my Mum died 6 years ago and my Dad hasn't wanted anything to so with me for 10 years).

Just think, this girl will have to fend for herself one day, hopefully she will have learned something.

Stay strong!

[MartyT]

Shari and Amy, I invite you to read this article, in hopes that it may help: Why? Why Me? Searching For Answers in Grief

[kayc]

Shari,

This other girl, she will never have the great memories with her dad that you have with yours...she has a dad that didn't set a good example, whose loss will not be quite the same for her that your dad is to you. I have learned to be glad for other people for the good they have even if I don't have it...it's normal to feel ambivalence when you see how unfair life is, and it really is...but I think the answer in that lies not in reconciling it, but in changing our expectations. None of us is guaranteed anything...therefore it behooves us to appreciate what good DOES come our way for the time that it does. I have seen people write that they wish they'd never had this person in their life because losing them was too hard. I will never feel that way. I am grateful for each moment I shared with my sweet husband, with my mom, with the pets I've lost. I am very very close to my dog Arlie and right now he is nearly seven, he will probably live to 10-12 years at best. That means in a short few years I will be grieving him. I honestly don't know how I'll bear it, but I'll have to get through it the same way as every other loss I've endured. Another dog would enrich my life but never replace him, never even come close. But I will continue to choose to live, to enjoy life to the fullest, as much as I can, even though it's not the same as it would have been had I not had these losses in my life. Someone else's life and good fortune is neither here nor there to me. They don't add to or subtract from my life. I see people on FB going to the Bahamas all the time, while I struggle to have enough food. Yet I don't begrudge them that their life turned out better (in some ways), I am happy for them. I don't know what that would be like. But it doesn't change my life any. I can enjoy my life, living here in the beautiful mountains, and fully appreciating what IS, rather than concerning myself with what isn't. I hope that makes sense to you. I'm having a little hard time with penning my thoughts today. You see, yesterday I lost a friend to ALS, and it's still very fresh and just kind of hitting me today. So I hope I make sense, but am not sure of much today.

[sharirouse]

You all make good points and I feel bad for saying that but I think I had a weak moment lol. Well the girl likes her dad...i dont but thats okay. And thats very true. I shouldnt worry about that and shes going to have to lose her dad too. And I really am okay with my life too, I am just angry I guess. I mean, i definitely like the idea that she will have to fend for herself and she'll have a hard time and im okay with that but i do need to see the good in my life. It hasnt been the easiest but i wouldnt change anything except for my dad getting cancer of course but we never expected that. My mom told me that she never in her life expected to see my dad like that.

Kay, you put that into words perfectly and I hope you are doing alright! go squeeze Arlie pets help me when I am down. especially my dads dog.

Ill definitely have to read the articles that you gave me Enna and Marty, thanks!

I of course am sad that i lost such a good man too but i almost feel bad for people because they didnt get to experience him.

[mfh]

I am glad you will begin to do some reading (articles recommended) as it is one of the most helpful tools we have. Learning about grief and ourselves in the midst of grief helps each of us to learn how we can heal. Another tool is journaling as it helps us to identify the pain that sits beneath the anger that occurs in many people with grief. You are in a safe place to share your pain and your anger and neither will be judged.