Unfair

[JLLSAH]

Hello everyone. I am new to this group as of today and have spent many hours reading all of the posts. My husband was tragically killed in a car crash almost two months ago. He was 36 years old and has three children. Our son who is 6 and my two step children who lived with us full time. It seems most people are uncomfortable talking about grief, so I came here! I only knew my husband for a little over seven years and I feel cheated. Not only is he gone now, but the two children I raised for the last six years are gone to their mother now. So my son and I went from a family of five to just us in two days. And at the risk of sounding like a child, it's not fair!! Sometimes my grief is overwhelming, well, most times. I try to be strong and keep a schedule for the sake of my son, but it takes everything I have in me to get through a day. I have actually had people say to me, "Well, at least you weren't married for 50 years and then lost him." Really?! Then maybe I wouldn't feel so cheated. I would have had the life we planned for us and our children. Now all I can do is hope my son remembers his dad and how much he loved him, and do everything in my power to help him. I'm tired of telling people I am okay when I'm not so that they aren't uncomfortable. I am not okay- I don't have my best friend, my soul mate! How am I suppose to be okay? Every moment of every day I miss him and still find it hard to believe he is gone and our lives will never be the same.

[kayc]

I am so sorry, it seems so wrong when they die so young. Mine was barely 51 and that was young enough. I am glad you found this place, it is a safe place to come to and a life saver. And you losing the kids too...are you able to get any visitation rights? I get really angry when people think it's somehow better to NOT have 50 years before losing them, for myself, I would have loved 50 years with my husband.

I hope you'll continue to come here and post.

[enna]

This is just heartbreaking. I am so very sorry for your loss. Actually, more than one loss with the two children you raised and are no longer with you. Of course you are not OK! How could you be!

The time we are together with our soulmate makes no difference. Those who make comments about that are insensitive and don’t have a clue.

I cannot imagine how very difficult this is for you. Your little boy is probably wondering where not only daddy is but where are his siblings. He will need extra love and the two of you will find the strength you will need to move through this most difficult time.

Don’t be concerned with other people’s feelings ~ if they ask you could say something like “as best as I can be right now” or “I’m managing the best I can under the circumstances.”

Anne

[ADH]

You are right JLLSAH...it is not fair!! I am so sorry for your loss and I can only imagine the pain you are going through now. Your story is filled with pain and I am so sorry...I do not know what else to say.

You mentioned you have been reading these posts for a while. Please continue to come here (as long as it feels right) and share your feelings. I am 45 and I lost my husband in April. I am not an expert, but I do feel that coming to this site for support does help. It is unreasonable for anyone to ask you to feel okay after what you have been through. It is nuts. This is a sudden death and full of many emotions and trauma.

Marty has a plethora of sites to go to for reading about sudden loss. Your family breaking up is yet just another loss and major change.

Please get some rest and return here when you can. Hopefully, Marty will be able to respond with some resources that can help you along your journey. Becoming edicated on grief was a big help to me and I think it is a huge help to others as well. The more we know, the less we feel like we are going crazy!

Again, I am so sorry for what has happened. Hold your son close and know that there are people out there (us) that are thinking of you and wishing you as much peace as you can possibly find in this time of grief.

We are here with you. You are not alone.

Love,

Audra

[kayc]

Someday I hope someone compiles the stupid things people say to grievers and writes a book "People Say the Stupidest Things!" could be the title! Honestly, I got my fair share. We look back and laugh (years later) but at the time it was beyond maddening.

I do hope you'll get visits with the children, it's not fair to them, to you, or to your son.

[MartyT]

My dear JLLSAH, my heart just hurts for you as I read your tragic story ~ I am so sorry that you've lost your beloved husband as well as two of your three boys.

It's good to know that you've found your way to this warm and caring place ~ but I also want to be sure that you're aware of some other resources that you may find helpful as well.

You might begin by looking over this article: Resources for Young Widow(er)s

See also Children Grieve Too, But Not The Same As Adults (including the Related Articles at the base of the post) and

Grief Support: When Others Fail to Meet Our Expectations

[HisWife]

Hi JLLSAH,

I, too, am a newly "exposed" member although I've been in the silent majority since my husband passed away in February of this year. I have found great comfort here, as I hope you will also. While no one would volunteer to be a part of this group, we all havecome her to find strength and understanding from others who know what we are going through.

You are right that losing someone we so deeply love is "unfair." It will be common for you to experience statements made by individuals who have not gone through such a heart-wrencing experience who say things in hope of comfort, but instead causes us to think, "did they really just say that?" My husband and I were married 31 years and he was 18 years older than me. One of his relatives recently made the comment, "Well, you had to realize that with your age difference, you would probably out-live him." As you mentioned in your post, it's not the length of time we were together or the ages we were when they departed but rather the depth of our love for our lost one.

I hope you will come here often to find comfort for your broken heart. Sue

[kayc]

Sue,

I'm sorry you experienced that hurtful comment too, it's very hard when people say things like that. I know they don't mean to hurt us, they just don't realize...

[Gracie]

Dear JLLSAH,

14 months ago today I lost the love of my life and I still grieve for him everyday. I am so sorry for your loss, but I hope for you and me that we may find some comfort and understanding from people who understand that they are gone and will not be forgotten as time goes on. I wanted to share with you......... At my husband's funeral I had a wonderful woman stick a note in my hand with a whisper in my ear she told me to read it when I was ready. She said that when she lost her son in a car accident the saying that she wrote on her note was a life saver for her whenever anyone said something "stupid" about her son passing. I am not going to write on here what the note said because it has a not so good word in it, but I am going to suggest that maybe finding a special note for yourself that you can keep with you and pull out to give you some comfort that the next time someone says something stupid.

Thinking of you and your son. Gracie

[kayc]

Gracie,

How sweet for you that someone "got it" and wanted to share that with you. Sometimes those not so nice words give voice to the anger we feel in this journey. It's a great idea, to keep a note with you and maybe look at it when needed.