When It Rains, It Pours.

[Queeniemary]

I am coming up on the 5 year anniversary of Mike's death. There are still times that I have trouble wrapping my head around the fact that he is not here. Five years is a lifetime, and is also yesterday.

So much is happening in my family right now. My sister has been moved to a nursing home in Melbourne, AR, only minutes from her family. My brother and I visited her on Thursday, and we can see much improvement. The improvement is not in her physical abilities, but her quick wit, and jokey manner were very evident. We are all coming to accept that she is probably never coming home, my BIL insists he could care for her, but he cannot. Breaks my heart, but she will get good care, my niece and her husband know the people at the nursing home well. Several of the nurses and aids are people they go to church with, so I think my sister will be cared for very well. Also my niece is only 3 minutes from nursing home, so she will be running by several times a day.

My former son in law has surgery on Tuesday in Springdale, AR. They have found a mass on his left lung, and are going to remove and biopsy it. He will be in the hospital several days, and then my daughter will go pick him up when he is released. He may have to come here to my house for a bit if he needs care after he is released. His Mother and stepdad are coming from Las Vegas for Christmas, but won't arrive until the 18th. I have a little trouble understanding why they are not coming now, as they are retired, and have plenty of money.

My oldest sister died 10 years ago, her husband, I just found out yesterday, is in the hospital ICU with bleeding of which they cannot seem to find the source.

My daughter has just broken her engagement, and is pretty upset. She discovered he was not faithful to her, and she is now feeling like a fool. Tried to tell her the fault is not hers, but his, but she feels like she failed in some way.

This is what I mean when I say when it rains it pours. I sound like a whinny baby, and I do not mean to sound that way. It just seems like a lot is going on in my family. Not to me personally, my health seems good, but to people I love and care about. I feel so helpless in all of this, I really cannot fix or really control anything. I so miss Mike, he would be so calm in the middle of all this turmoil.

Then on Jan. 13, will come the anniversary of Mike's death. FIVE years, I cannot fathom that so much time has passed. I miss him every day, and would give anything to see his face one more time.

I know we all have things to carry. We have illness in our tribe, and I do pray for healing for my friends here. Fae, Kay and Anne, especially, and others of which I may not be aware. We all grieve for our lost loves, some of us have just been doing it longer.

I just ask for a little prayer for my family, this has been a hard year, and it is not over yet. I am thinking 2015 must be better!

QMary

[MartyT]

You are in our prayers for sure, dear QMary ~ and no, you are NOT whining. You are carrying a very heavy load, and if anyone can understand how that feels, we certainly do. You are not alone in hoping for a better 2015! ♥

[feralfae]

You are in my prayers, QMary, and I pray for some better days ahead for you, just around tomorrow.

Much Love,

fae

[enna]

Yes, it does sound like you are dealing with so many issues in your life right now, dear QMary. I am sorry that one thing after another piles up on you.

What a kind heart you have trying to make sure that those you know are being taken care of.

I’m wondering if perhaps there is so much turmoil in our world today because of the lack of concern for others rather than showing loving kindness to all those around us. I think I am a kinder person because of my loss.

As we hold one another in our hearts there is strength here around our fire that seems to give us the edge needed to move forward.

Sometimes we can forget that we are mourning great losses when health issues hit us. Perhaps that is why it takes so long to do the work of grieving. I personally believe that we will never be over our losses. We will only learn how to weave them into our everyday lives.

I remember when I was only several months into my loss of Jim that I found out I had congestive heart failure. Even my grief counselor helped me recognize that my health now became another loss that I had to deal with ~ I became angry because I did not want to be bothered with anything in my life at the time but my mourning of Jim. I felt like I was being cheated.

As you come up to the 5^th year anniversary of your Mike’s death we will prayer for you and also all the special intentions in your life right now.

I think we are all looking for a better 2015.

Anne

[LadyCarrie]

Hi,

I am new, so you will not likely recognize my name. I am sorry you are hurting, and have hurts and losses from so many sources. I pray that God will give you strength and stamina, and will sustain you, especially as the anniversary of the loss of your husband approaches. I don't believe you are whining, but it's all right to let out a hearty, healthful whine now and then, if you feel like it.

Carrie

[Wifflesnook]

Dear QMary those are too many things to bear without a little complaint. I'm so sorry for all that is going on in your family. They are lucky to have you as it sounds as though despite (or because) of your loss of Mike you are a source of strength

[kayc]

My dear QMary,

You're not whining, you have a LOT on your plate right now, that is a lot to digest, let alone deal with. My sympathies to your daughter...been there. Sometimes it's not so much that we're stupid as it is that they are good players/cons, annoying is an understatement! I know the disappointment has to be hard for her and a real blow to her self esteem.

Yes, five years...but yesterday. I hear you, for me, ten years, but yesterday. If George were here I wouldn't have a worry about how I'll handle things after I have surgery, he'd just take wonderful care of me. It's when we have these hard times come that are so hard! You are knowing that too as everything seems to be hitting at once. That is how I've felt lately.

Your sister is in the best place she can be, she'll have lots of visits and will not be forgotten. I'm so glad her spirits are up, that is the most important thing!

It's commendable that you or your daughter will be caring for your former SIL, he's lucky to have you. I don't understand his parents either except they've adjudicated the responsibility for him to you.

I'm sorry your BIL is having bleeding problems, I hope they find out what's causing it and fix it. The unknown is so hard! Having a ten year anniversary of your sister is hard enough, but this just adds to it.

You have my prayers and so does your family. My list is growing longer, but God is a big God, He can handle it!

I wish I were there to wrap my arms around you and let you rest a bit. Coming up five years is a big one...so will the ten year mark I'll be facing next time. It doesn't really change though does it, for me after about three years, it's all the same.

[Queeniemary]

Thank you all for your words of comfort, they do help me. Just got home a little bit ago from Springdale. The surgery on my former SIL's lung was done today. They did not find a mass, they found it was a pocket of fluid. They have taken many samples of the fluid and some of the tissue of the lungs and are doing biopsies. We are feeling a little better that there was no mass. He will remain in hospital for a few days. Did not get home until well past dark, hate driving in dark, but made it fine. Just did not like it. We are feeling some relief, but it will still be days before we know what is going on with him. My brother in law's bleeding has stopped, still don't know what caused it. He is going to a nursing home rehab, as his strength is bad, and he cannot hardly stand or walk.

My daughter is doing better, still hurting, but glad she found out what kind of person he is before things went any further. Missing Mike terribly today, as usual.

QMary

[MartyT]

Thank you for the update, dear QMary. I'm glad that you arrived back home safely, and I wish for you a peaceful, restful evening and a brighter tomorrow. ♥

[KarenK]

I have been absent for a while, I guess mostly because I feel I have little to offer. But then I got to thinking, we all offer whatever we can. That's why we are the "tribe".

Fae, I am heartbroken to see that you have undergone yet another surgery, but so happy to see you came through with flying colors.

Kay, I'm so sorry to hear of your problems and that you are also facing surgery. I know it will go smoothly. We wouldn't have it any other way. Also saddened to hear that Shannon's Mary is deteriorating. I did not realize that she had ALS. I only thought she was recovering from a stroke. How devastating for her and her family.

And QM. Sounds like your household is going through a really tough time. I'm glad to hear that your sister is showing improvement, no matter how small. Hope all will be well with your former SIL.

BTW, I am missing our own personal Mary here. Is she OK?

I am managing okay with my grandson here. He finally got his state ID so next week, we'll go to SS for his duplicate card and he can begin to look for work. No easy task as he has no HS diploma. Of course in Az, we employ most of the illegal aliens and provide insurance for them, so what's a little HS diploma?

I have done what little Christmas shopping I need online, most of it being electronics and gift cards. Still not used to not buying for Ron and now Debbie. But trying to be in the spirit, I put up my tiny tree. I bought myself a 46" Samsung TV. Nothing wrong with the 37" LG I had, just a bit easier to see in my old age. LOL Good thing my grandson is here as my son accidentally hooked up the color cables to the DVD player backwards. Was watching X-Men tonight and most everyone was blue. Heck, I thought it was normal since X-Men is a Sci-Fi. David said "No", and reconnected the cables correctly. Technology is NOT my forte.

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of visiting one of the members of CSN in a local hospital. He is in dire straits with colon blockages and many tumors and will be going to MD Anderson in Houston. It is one of the best. Although I have been a member of CSN for many years, he is the first person I have met face to face.

Well, just wanted to drop in and say hello. My life has changed so much and most of the time, I am in limbo for self protection I guess. I cannot dwell on the fact that half of my family is gone now or I would be in the psych ward.

Love,

Karen

[feralfae]

Dear Karen,

It is wonderful to hear from you. Yes, I can imagine that you are struggling through your days, one day at a time, as you sort your life into new spaces and roles for your own days. I am glad to hear your grandson is getting his work permits, and I hope he can find a way to get back to school for his HS diploma. No matter where life takes him, I would think that having his HS diploma would be a help. I had to smile at getting the wires straightened out on the flat screen, though, because my godsons had to hook mine up so that I could actually watch a movie, after we moved things around and Doug was no longer here to hook up the right wires.

I can relate to the limbo of self protection, and can fully understand why you need to be there right now. So, even moreso, thank you for stopping in to say hello and let us know a bit about your life these days. I imagine you are still in that protective fog of grief, and that the days are going by, but that there is not much feeling of life moving along.

Oh, our own Mary is pursuing her own need for healing and self care for a while. Once again, she sets a good example for us all.

Karen, please do stop by when you feel able, and let us know how you are doing. With so many losses, the holiday season, winter, and all that we feel around us these days in the chaos among humans on Earth, I think it helps to offer each other a gentle touch and solace when we can, and you always bring your gentle healing touch with you when you appear. Thank you. I hope our good wishes for you, and for your healing heart, are reaching you and gently touching you as well.

During this time of the year, may you find peace, may you have moments of delight enter your days when you least expect it, and may you have a healing of your heart when it feels right for you.

Be gentle and kind with yourself, and know that we are holding you close in prayer and in love.

Namaste,

fae

[MartyT]

Karen, my dear, it's so good to "see" you here ~ and please know that you are an important part of us, whether you visit regularly or not. No explanation necessary ~ although we DO appreciate learning that you are all right! Still, If you don't put yourself at the top of your own priority list, nobody else will, that's for sure!

As Fae indicated, Mary (mfh) has decided to step away from our circle for a while in order to focus on and care for herself; see her thread in our Tools for Healing forum:

(I got a chuckle out of your crossed wires story. That's why people our age do well to have a kid in the house to help us with these electronic mysteries!)

[kayc]

Karen, I have been wondering about you lately and was about to do a search for you when lo and behold, you appeared! It's good to hear from you and you got a hearty laugh out of me, watching the X-Men in blue & thinking it was normal. Haha! That would be me, I am NOT a technician, not my forte! I know it's hard missing not only your husband, but your daughter too now. I hope you derive some comfort from being here. We all need to make it through Christmas together. I'm not sure I'll be up to being on the computer after my surgery, at least the first few days, we'll see...haven't done this before.

QMary, so much going on in your family! I'm glad your SIL's lump turned out not to be a mass and I hope the fluid isn't something serious...will be waiting with fingers crossed along with you. I'm glad your BIL's bleeding has stopped and I hope he regains his strength quickly. Your daughter will continue to hurt for some time, but she'll get stronger...anger is a good stage at this time because it can fuel much needed change. It is then that I self-examine what signs I missed, etc., not to accept blame, the onus is totally on him, and maybe there weren't signs, except going into the relationship fast is a red flag, I never used to know that, but I sure know it now! I hope she can have a good Christmas in spite of it and begin to heal. Good riddance to that scoundrel!

[Queeniemary]

Karen, so good to hear from you, I too have been thinking about you. I know this holiday time is going to be especially difficult for you. Enjoyed the story about the TV cables, that would be me also....if my daughter was not around to hook things up when needed, don't know what I would do.

Spent the day yesterday in Springdale with former son in law, thinking he was being released. When Doctor finally came in at 4:30, he decided he should stay another night! We still do not have results of tests. Sooo I drove home, once again in the dark....I really hope that does not ever happen again....lights still glare, cataract surgery did not help that for me. I will go back to Springdale (1 1/2 hours) today when he calls me that he is released.

I am going away for the weekend, and I am so looking forward to getting away. I am going with my friend Tom to Arrow Rock, to the Lyceum Theater to see "A Christmas Carol", and to meet other friends there for dinner. We are staying in a B&B. Will be a fun weekend. My young friend who is the artistic director at the Lyceum has adapted this version of Charles Dicken's play, and I am so looking forward to seeing the results. We are meeting his parents for dinner at Catalpa. The meal is themed for the play, including Smoked Goose Breast, Venison with Wild Lingonberry Sauce, Figgy Pudding, etc.

QMary

[kayc]

QMary, I can relate, I have the same problem driving at night. When I went to the surgeon for an evaluation, my appt. was for 1:30, I didn't get home until 7:00, two hours past dark. I would have been okay had they not made me wait 2 1/2 hours past my appt. time!

I'm glad you have plans for something fun to do.

[feralfae]

Dear QMary,

Your weekend plans sound wonderful, just what you need -- a respite from all that is going on in your family and a time to relax and enjoy the season in some good company and with what will be, I am sure, a delightful meal.

Enjoy, enjoy! I will be looking forward to the report on the play and the meal. I hope it is a wonderful time for you.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[Queeniemary]

The report on the play "A Christmas Carol" and meal for you Fae...it was just wonderful. Several of the Actors have actually played on Broadway, and the gentleman who played the ghost of Christmas Present played in Les Miserables on Broadway. Felt rather sorry for him, I knew he was walking rather stiffly, found out later that he was just weeks after having hip surgery! (the show must go on, and all that) Also many local people in the smaller parts. Tiny Tim was precious, and the entire cast so good.

We ate dinner at Catalpa, a tiny restaurant in the tiny town of Arrow Rock, and it was beyond words. First course was venison in a puff pastry with linkenberry sauce (she sent to Scotland for the berries), second was the best tomato bisque I have ever had, then the roast goose breast, with mashed garlic turnips, and roasted vegetables (beets, squash, parsnips), with butter drenched rolls, and the dessert of figgy pudding with whipped cream (whipped with a little Amarato). I almost had to roll down the hill to the Theatre! I was so full I nearly dozed off in the first few minutes of the play....my friend Tom had to poke me!! Very fun weekend, we ate dinner with, and had wine with our friends the Greshams before dinner and after the play. Their son is the artistic director at the Lyceum, and he adapted and directed the play. He joined us for dinner and wine after the play. We stayed in a lovely bed and breakfast call "The Down Over", and as always, Larry and Paula fed us very well for breakfast on Sunday morning. Kind of hated to come back home to real life. It was a much needed respite, and I am grateful to have had the opportunity to make the trip.

Trying to get into the Christmas spirit a little. Got my small tree up from the basement. I don't have it set up yet, but just getting it from the basement is a start!

We still do not have results of tests on former SIL. He is moving better day by day. He was pretty sore where they had a drain tube in his lung. We are hopeful. His parents will be here by the end of the week...thank goodness!!!

Once again my sister may have pneumonia, she is not doing very well. Also there is come confusion about whether she is going to be approved for long term care. Not sure what is going on with that. They may have to private pay for a few weeks, maybe months....will be hard. My niece is working on getting that figured out. I talked to her this morning, and she will let me know this evening what she found out.

Going to the Community Choir's production of the Messiah tonight, they always do a super performance.

QMary

[kayc]

QMary,

The play and dinner and staying with friends sounds wonderful! The last time I attended a play was the summer after George died, with my daughter, it was wonderful. My mom used to take us girls to plays when we were teenagers, we'd dress up, it was fun.

I'm so sorry to hear this about your sister. How can they not approve long term care, what do they expect her to do? I don't understand our health care system at all! I just found out one of my visits 1 1/2 months ago was not paid, I need to call and find out why. ???

and your SIL, I hope his parents are of help to him. And I hope it perks up his spirits to have them visit.

Oh, Messiah, I love it! Enjoy!

[Queeniemary]

My sister Lois is, once again, in the hospital. The nursing home sent her last evening as she had become somewhat unresponsive, and has a terrible cough. Pneumonia again. My niece has been telling me for days that her Mom is becoming more and more unresponsive, almost like she is choosing whether to speak to someone or not. After they got her to hospital and suctioned out some of the gunk, she was talking a little. I think she is in a terrible depression, and I certainly cannot blame her for that.

My granddaughter and her friend Destiny helped me decorate. They hung the garland....very interesting designs....not going to change a thing, who am I to deny artistic license! I think they had a theme, I just don't know what it is!!

QMary

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry that your sister isn't doing better, QMary, and I'm sure that weighs heavily on your Christmas.

How good of you to give your granddaughter and her friend the freedom to express themselves with your decorations! That tells me what sort of grandmother you are ~ and I am not at all surprised.

Your dear sis and her family remain in my thoughts and prayers, as you are in my heart. ♥

[enna]

I am so sorry that Lois is back in the hospital, QMary. Holding you close and praying for you and the family. I'm with Marty about the grandmother comment.

[feralfae]

Dear QMary,

Thank you for the report, the photos, and the commentary.

I am so sorry to hear Lois is having more problems. So glad you have creative family around, and that some things are doing well.

I am holding you in prayer and in my heart through this time. This season seems to be a rough one for so many here.

Blessings and

Namaste,

fae

[kayc]

QMary,

I'm so sorry to hear of this latest report. She is where she needs to be for now, which will give her the best chance for recovering from Pneumonia. I hope she doesn't have to stay long, nobody wants to be in the hospital.

How sweet of your granddaughter to want to decorate! And you to let her.