feralfae Posted March 15, 2015 Report Share Posted March 15, 2015 Whew! Well, glad to not be in the way. Mary, are you close to Horizon Marsh NWR? I was wondering if you can hear the geese flying over. I am back from board and committee meetings, and taking a couple who are friends to Freezout NWR tomorrow to see the 40,000 snow geese, some Trumpeter Swans, maybe Tundra Swans, and other migratory waterfowl. I imagine you and Bentley have it on your list of outings. It is so very good to hear from you, to know that you are finding your way into your new life, slowly building a new life structure for your new identity. But it's nice that we are able to carry so much of our history with us, too. This is a history month for you, and I am glad you are honoring your days and memories, and for all you have taught us on how to do so for ourselves. Thank you. Thank you for the photos of Bentley -- he is beautiful! Handsome. *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted March 15, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 15, 2015 Never are you or will you be in the way. It is good to be in co tact. I think you mean Horicon Marsh. It is a couple of hours from here and yes, I have been up there. We get about 300,000 swans and geese in the spring and fall. Also on the Mississippi, a couple of hours in the other direction, we get swans. A nice drive but the traffic up there gets a bit overwhelming. Of course, I want the entire area to myself. Enjoy your trip tomorrow. Yes, we take our history with us...thank goodness. Some of it joyful and some of it overwhelmingly sad but together it is a part of who we are. How are you doing...body...mind...spirit? Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted March 15, 2015 Report Share Posted March 15, 2015 Mary, I do not understand how I have missed this post. Granted I have been rather spotty on the forum lately, but this is a post that should have jumped out at me. So grateful that we have Marty, such a wonderful wise woman, but you will truly be missed in that role also. I am so glad that you will still be a member, and posting occasionally. I would miss very much your wisdom and your wit on these pages. I know we must each do what is best for ourselves....if we don't, who will? My thoughts and prayers will be with you always, especially this month as the anniversary of Bill's death approaches on March 27. I survived the five year anniversary of Mike's death, and of course you will survive, but Mary, you and I both know, as well as others here, it is so very hard. I can only echo Anne's lovely post, thank you so much. QMary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted March 15, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 15, 2015 Yes, Mary, I have stepped back. I needed to put my full focus on my own loss for a long while. And is has been the right decision for me for now. I do see Three or four clients here in my office as I figure out the next step on my path... Yesterday I spent the bulk of the day on watercolor....a healing experience since I tend to paint what I feel. I want to become a decent water colorist and plan to do some sculpting again, something I did way back in the 70s. And yes, though difficult, we survive and get through these anniversaries. My body tends to remember as well as my mind and heart. I think of you and your sister and family often...you are all on my prayer list. Thank you for your message. Peace Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 15, 2015 Report Share Posted March 15, 2015 I love the pictures of Bentley, especially the one where he is checking out the other dogs in the photo. He is such a gentle soul, hard not to love him! These dogs are so special. I, too, will have you in my thoughts as you approach March 27. June 19 will be ten years for me. Hard to believe. Not sure how I'll handle it, it seems such a milestone and yet it's been such a gradual process, it doesn't seem possible it's been that long. I'm glad you're enjoying your watercolors. I haven't spent a lot of time on my cards lately, mostly when the mood strikes, but I have been doing more cooking (out of necessity) with my interests geared towards healthy eating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted March 15, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 15, 2015 Thank you, dear Kay. Yes, I understand the cooking thing....as I have "had" to do the same....more cooking. However, I tend to graze quite often, eating just when hungry so I keep good stuff in the frig for that purpose. I also eat my big meal (if I eat one) in the middle of the day instead of in the evening unless I go out. I have no clue where 5 years when and am sure when it is 10 I will feel as you do...i.e. where did it go. Yes, the days are significant, each one a journey of its own. As present as I am to each one, the time still flies. suddenly I am refilling my vitamin case (lasts a week) and I wonder where the week went. I hope you get your new wood stove...I know they are pricey items and hope your son's will work in your home. Peace and love Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted March 15, 2015 Report Share Posted March 15, 2015 Dear Mary, Thank you for asking. My spirit is doing very, very well. I am still in counseling, with a doctor on call, for my PTSS, but it is getting better and I am learning more tools to move out of the flashbacks and spirals into that state. My physical health is doing very well. I still have tests every three months for the NETS, but so far, and I hope forever in the future, things are clear and look good. Since I am getting healthier, I think the tests will stay clear. I talked with my dear friend who is 95 this morning. He is on no medications, and being a physician, understands how physiologically eroding many prescriptions can be, with about as many detrimental effects as they might offer of beneficial effects. We talked about the components of wellness: Active mind (finding challenges for the mind, such as puzzles, learning a new language, creativity) Active body (walking daily, lifting weights, doing as much activity as possible) He works out an hour every morning. Active social and/or family life (a sense of belonging) Eating whole, unprocessed foods as much as possible, and organic and raw as well if possible. He lost his dear wife 20 years ago, to a mistake during a routine knee replacement, and was in deep grief for many years. Now he is better, and just back from Florida, where he rode an air boat through the Everglades. Yes, Horicon Marsh, you are right. I have not been there in perhaps 40 years. But I do understand about crowds. I prefer the opposite, too. It is so very good to hear from you, Mary. You are a treasure to us all, and I hope that as you are making your way on this new adventure, you and Bentley are enjoying life each day, and that you are discovering just how amazing you are, all over again, even though Bill is no longer there to tell you so. I am happy to tell you so any time you need to hear it. *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted March 15, 2015 Report Share Posted March 15, 2015 I just love that our Mary is back with us ~ it just makes my heart happy. In case, no one has told you, Mary, you are a treasure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted March 15, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 15, 2015 Well, you surely know how to make someone feel appreciated. Thank you all. I am so glad, fae, to hear that you are doing well physically and keeping on top of the NETS. This man, Bessel van der Kolk, is an expert on trauma and I think this interview is incredibly helpful in understanding it. I always choose the UNedited versions as they cut stuff out for the edited one. His book, The Body Keeps Score, is available in audible or paperback and it is very good. Here is the interview: http://www.onbeing.org/program/restoring-the-body-bessel-van-der-kolk-on-yoga-emdr-and-treating-trauma/5801#.VQXNUeGEdZ8 I am doing some body work around trauma and the man I go to is doing research on bodywork and will be connecting with van derk Kolk around that book. Thanks to both of you, all of you, for caring so much. Peace and love to you, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 15, 2015 Report Share Posted March 15, 2015 I'm not putting my son's in my home, it's inadequate, you'd have to fill it every two hours...it's more of a "enjoy a fire" than "heat the house" stove. But I can benefit from his research since HE's been looking for one for them. I eat the same way...graze. I buy/fix nothing but healthy food. LOTS of vegetables! fae, wow, 95 and riding an airboat (whatever that is)! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted March 16, 2015 Report Share Posted March 16, 2015 Dear Mary,Thank you for the link. I listened to the unedited version, and will listen again. I am slowly putting the criminals into a context that is allowing me to at least look at it as an episode with a beginning and an end. Bessel van der Kolk's work has been very helpful to me. And my trauma counselor uses his work in her work. Thank you for thinking of this link. He packs a lot into the interview, and I know just enough about PTSS to be able to follow his discussion, yet still learn a lot and will probably learn more when I listen again.I'll get The Body Keeps Score to listen while I tread on the treadmill. It was a calm birding day, because with high winds and occasional rain, the birds were pretty hunkered down in the grasses and on the lee of islands. We did see more than 20 Tundra Swans, and many hundred Snow Geese, but not the numbers I had hoped to be present.I hope you are having a good trauma healing experience. I am told it may never entirely heal, but that like grief, the sense of trauma will soften and the triggers will elicit only a comment of "ah, there is that trigger again" from my awareness. I am definitely moving in that direction!It is uncommonly blustery here tonight, and if I had a sail sleigh, I could probably be blown a long way toward Wisconsin, if this were nice flat prairie. I hope Spring settles in comfortably for you soon. And stays.namaste,fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 16, 2015 Report Share Posted March 16, 2015 It was windy here today too, fae. I put a whirly (it goes into a planter) on my deck and it was twirling like crazy! The trees were really bowing and dancing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted March 16, 2015 Report Share Posted March 16, 2015 We were up near the Front Range of he Rockies, and off to the east, out toward the prairie, we could see the big generator windmills turning fairly fast, their tips disappearing behind a ridge at the nadir of their whirl. Quite the sight! You, on the other hand, have a small one, probably prettier, there in your flowers. Nice image for me to create. It's days like this that I wish I had a windmill wired to the house, like my dear engineer neighbor has.I hope you are Arlie are having a lovely night. I am going to snug in early and listen to the wind in the trees. *<twinkles>*fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 16, 2015 Report Share Posted March 16, 2015 My son used to work for a windmill company. It wouldn't surprise me if he didn't build one someday. I hope you had a nice sleep. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted March 16, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 16, 2015 Dear Mary, Thank you for the link. I listened to the unedited version, and will listen again. I am slowly putting the criminals into a context that is allowing me to at least look at it as an episode with a beginning and an end. Bessel van der Kolk's work has been very helpful to me. And my trauma counselor uses his work in her work. Thank you for thinking of this link. He packs a lot into the interview, and I know just enough about PTSS to be able to follow his discussion, yet still learn a lot and will probably learn more when I listen again. It was a calm birding day, because with high winds and occasional rain, the birds were pretty hunkered down in the grasses and on the lee of islands. We did see more than 20 Tundra Swans, and many hundred Snow Geese, but not the numbers I had hoped to be present. I hope you are having a good trauma healing experience. I am told it may never entirely heal, but that like grief, the sense of trauma will soften and the triggers will elicit only a comment of "ah, there is that trigger again" from my awareness. I am definitely moving in that direction! Dear fae, I am glad you are going to listen to van der kolk. I listen to books a lot also as my eyes tire so easily and I like hearing the authors if they are the readers. I just finished one by Joan Chittister about Following our Paths. She has such a passion for her passion. I have a good body worker and am benefiting a lot from our work. I think trauma does not go away but like grief, as you say, we learn how to live with it. van der kolk believes it can be completely healed which I disagree with. Imagine the 911 survivors ever getting past that horrific day. Continue to take care of yourself...and keep moving in the direction of peace. I love the feeling of "ah" when a piece (peace) falls into place. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted March 16, 2015 Report Share Posted March 16, 2015 Thank you Mary! I have learned more from listening to the Bessel van der Kolk interview than I have from sessions with some of the trauma counselors I have had. Although I had read of his work, and read some related material (Levine, mostly) vdK brings a lot of the trauma into perspective, and then gives good ways to heal back to a sense of safety, protection, and trust. I think it will be super to listen to the book while moving my body. Only after I have done my routine, though, because then I must pay attention to my body during that.I am so glad for your journey. I am so glad that you are surrounding yourself with loving, gentle, helpful people during this time, when supportive spirits can assist in the "labor and delivery" of your new self. A healing healer. I am still gestating, I think. That is fine.namaste,fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted March 17, 2015 Report Share Posted March 17, 2015 Thank you Mary, and others for keeping my sister and our family in your prayers. Due to delayed approval from Medicaid, my sister has now been moved to their home, where the family is attempting to care for her while the Medicaid stuff gets straightened out. My BIL just could not afford over 5000 a month in private pay. Actually he is rather glad they have her at home, but I do not believe he understood the magnitude of change it would mean in everyone's lives. He may be beginning to understand...this is the second day. She is not talking at all now, but my niece said she nods when ask if she is glad to be home. I KNOW she is NOT glad to have her female children and grandchild changing her diaper. As my niece said, modesty is gone. When nursing home staff did it, it was part of their job, and not personal, like your family. My sister's DIL lives next door, and she will be doing the meds for her, and they have a schedule for the feeding (stomach tube) and turning, etc. I wish I lived closer and could help more. Thank you for prayers. QMary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted March 17, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 17, 2015 Dear QMary, I am so very sorry for all that happened to your sister and ultimately to the entire family. And it surely sounds like our medical system played a role in some of the challenges, for sure. I know it has to be incredibly difficult to be far away and know your sister is struggling. i surely would feel that way also but sometimes that is how life happens....your visits will be a light for them and something to look forward to. Take care of yourself. That also matters. fae, keep listening. I spoke with my bodyworker today about van der kolk (who will be in Milwaukee next month doing an all day...) and we agreed that the word 'healing' can be defined in many ways and to think it means that we go on as if nothing ever happened is, of course, just not possible. So I believe we each need to define healing the way it works best for us. That becomes our goal as long as we stay realistic in setting it. Wherever you are is just where you belong. Peace to both of you, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted March 17, 2015 Report Share Posted March 17, 2015 Mary/Fae, I am not familiar with van der kolk. You said Mary, "the word 'healing' can be defined in many ways and to think it means that we go on as if nothing ever happened is, of course, just not possible"That is so true, that way leads to madness. Anne put an Anne Lamott quote on another thread that I think helps define healing to me.QMary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted March 17, 2015 Report Share Posted March 17, 2015 When I launched my Grief Healing website 15 years ago (!) I thought long and hard about using the word "healing" in its title, as I know that word holds different meanings for different folks, especially for those who are grieving. I'm always been interested in what others have to say about the concept of healing, too. Here are some thoughts I've gathered over the years: To heal in grief is to become whole again, to integrate your grief into your self and to learn to continue your changed life with fullness and meaning. Experiencing a new and changed “wholeness” requires that you engage in the work of mourning. It doesn’t happen to you; you must stay open to that which has broken you. Healing is a holistic concept that embraces the physical, emotional, cognitive, social, and spiritual realms. Note that healing is not the same as curing, which is a medical term that means “remedying” or “correcting.” You cannot remedy your grief, but you can reconcile it. You cannot correct your grief, but you can heal it. ~ Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD, in Understanding Your Grief: Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart There is a difference between healing and curing. Healing takes place at the soul level and the process has less to do with getting better than it does with getting real. Healing is about learning to better play the hand you've been dealt rather than asking for a new deal. ~ Carl Hammerschlag, MD, in Kindling Spirit: Healing from Within The medical model looks at eliminating wounds. The spiritual model looks at finding meaning in the midst of wounds . . . Curing of a particular wound implies the elimination of that wound, and healing implies enhancing a person’s life even if that wound is not eliminated . . . Providing someone a cure is like giving that person a welcome gift (which is certainly nice). Healing someone is like teaching that person how to find gifts wherever they are (which can be wonderful) . . . ~ Douglas C. Smith, in Being a Wounded Healer I don't care how people define healing. I like to see people who are locked in sadness open the door and step out; even if for a little while. However, I don't define healing for you and I don't want you to define it for me. ~ Jan Warner, in Grief: I Get To Define My Own Healing ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted March 17, 2015 Report Share Posted March 17, 2015 Magic is ~ my post appeared and is below!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted March 17, 2015 Report Share Posted March 17, 2015 I just lost my entire post on my thoughts about healing, but I see Marty just posted and I really like what she has said. QMary, one of my thoughts about your sister being home for this time reminded me of when Jim needed more care. Having Hospice helped me with his bathing even though I did not mind bathing him at all. I even hired a nurse to help with bathing and shaving also. I keep you and your family as you care for your sister. Now to go and read the links Marty just posted. How lucky are we to have so many "Tools" right here? Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 18, 2015 Report Share Posted March 18, 2015 I'm sorry you lost what you wrote, I'm sure it was something we would have gotten a lot out of! I'll look for what Marty posted... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted March 18, 2015 Report Share Posted March 18, 2015 Yes I did read what Marty posted, and they are all right on! Healing to me is a scabbing over of the hurt...sometimes you knock the scab off, and the pain is fresh again, but as new scab forms, it gets better for a bit. The scab never goes away, always the danger of fresh pain, but the scab does grow thicker as time passes. Probably very simple, but it is sort of how I look at this grief healing thing. My scab has gotten thicker with time, but sometimes just a smell, a song, or a thought can knock it off, the pain is always there, waiting to be fresh again.Messaging with my niece this morning, she is going to wear out soon I am afraid. She is 59, and in good shape, but I don't know how long she can handle this. Last night she was up all night, along with her brother, doing the changing, turning, etc. Now today, she will be there with her Dad. They do have a woman coming to be interviewed, possibly some nighttime help.....pray!!!QMary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted March 18, 2015 Report Share Posted March 18, 2015 We are praying, QMary ~ for you, your sister and your entire family. I'm so sorry this is happening to all of you I don't know if you've had a chance to look over this article, but I'm offering it again in case there is something there that may be of use to your family: Caregiving After a Stroke: Suggested Resources ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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