R.Everit55 Posted February 7, 2015 Report Share Posted February 7, 2015 As I told Kay and Anne, I'm not doing well. The weather and cold is insane. The effects from this concussion are still bad, and Dr said will be lasting unfortunately. More painful, is my heart and soul. I cannot express my heart anymore. Only that I feel more lonely than I would wish on anybody. Sad doesn't say it. There isn't a word I can find to express this. It's been 4 weeks. Monday will be one month. I keep asking why? Why?! I beg God to bring me to my love because it's only she that I want need to survive this. I know that won't happen. But my place is with her. Forgive me for not coming here or supporting. I am just trying to hold my head above water and keep my feet on the floor. It will get better I am told. When..... When.... Butch Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 7, 2015 Report Share Posted February 7, 2015 Oh Butch, no forgiveness needed! There will be a time to be supportive of others...now is not that time. You have your plate more than full just surviving all that you are going through, one day at a time. I know how you want to be with her, believe me, we all know. It seems doing without them only serves to cause us to miss them all the more. I pray the cold and snow stops and you don't have months of concussion effects. It's hard to understand why someone goes through so much as you, but I've never found the answers I sought when I asked why, I've learned to just keep on, as best as I can, and that has to be enough. My heartfelt prayers are with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyCarrie Posted February 7, 2015 Report Share Posted February 7, 2015 Dear Butch, Just a note to tell you that I ask God each day to stay with you to hold you, sustain you, and help you in every way you need help. You take good care of yourself right now, and know that all of us care that you are suffering so deeply. I send you warm hugs. Carrie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAP Posted February 8, 2015 Report Share Posted February 8, 2015 Dear Butch, Sometimes we are the support and sometimes we are the supported. Relax where that is concerned. We have your back. I wish i could make these days vanish for you, but they are what they are and we have to endure them as best we can. We've got your back on that as well--and you always have our shoulders. Peace, Harry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted February 8, 2015 Report Share Posted February 8, 2015 Dear Butch,We are simply here with you, being with you, no matter what your mood or situation. While you are in these early days of so much confusion, anguish, grief, and pain, we are here to comfort you and hold you in the Light.Be here as much as you need to be. We will understand.I send you healing wishes and Peace for your heart, dear Butch.*<twinkles>*fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shalady Posted February 8, 2015 Report Share Posted February 8, 2015 Just want you to know you are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry you are going through so very much all at one time. Please let us support you and don't give it a second thought. We want to comfort you. As Harry said, sometimes we need comfort and other times we comfort others. Just rest and take care of yourself. ***Hugs*** Shalady Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted February 9, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 9, 2015 Thank you all from my whole heart. Today... Later tonight is one month since my sweet princess gained her Angel wings. While I know she is free from all pain, grief, and burdens... My heart simply cannot take this. I never imagined while spending my last hours, minutes with her... Knowing she was going... That this grief could ever hurt so deeply. And there is simply no consolation right now. Short of all of your words which I keep reading and trying to let my heart comprehend. Seeing a day in front of me is seemingly impossible. I actually thank God that I did fall and have this concussion because right now I cannot work and I simply can't imagine being able to in this grief. It's like this grief is just settling in more and more. Like where have I been for the last month... Why did it not settle in already and sink in. I don't want to sound sexest in any way, but I'm a man. I should be stronger than this. I totally feel like I'm letting my Angel down, and our boy and grandsons. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shalady Posted February 9, 2015 Report Share Posted February 9, 2015 Dear Butch, you are not letting anyone down. You have suffered the deepest loss you will ever suffer. On top of that your bad fall and a concussion. Try to be patient with yourself, don't expect yourself to bounce back so soon from all that has happened. You are still processing all of this. My Bob is gone four months and I am not doing well yet. Everyone is different. I am sure someone with more knowledge on this will respond with learned advice. I can only say you have lost your beloved Mary and your heart is broken. I understand your feeling of deep grief. I wish I could do more but I truly hold you close and keep you in my thoughts and prayers as you go through this journey. Peace and comfort to you. Big hugs.... Shalady Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 9, 2015 Report Share Posted February 9, 2015 Butch, I think in a way that being a man it's harder because our society puts these preconceived ideas on them that they have to be strong, have to fix things, etc., and you can toss all that out the window when it comes to loss and grief! There is no "fixing" this, and there comes a time to put aside our "being strong" and just be...allow yourself to feel broken and bleeding and feel your pain and lament your loss, all of this is part of the grieving we do, male or female. I want to remind you that all of us here have been in that spot in which you are standing now, and yet we have somehow survived, somehow still are surviving. I can't tell you how except it was a day at a time. I remember feeling I couldn't live through the pain, yet I did. That is the irony...we do live even when we don't see how we can. That seems incongruous to us. Having your concussion and all the snow and the flu and all else you've had to deal with has heaped too much on you...we only had the grief, plus some had businesses to close, financial devastation to deal with, decisions to make (selling house, moving), stepchildren to surrender, and so much more. Each person's unique situation is difficult to live through...and yet we do. I went back to work two weeks after George died, I was fortunate to have a job that understood if I had a grief burst and my coworkers were so understanding and compassionate...I thank God I was working there instead of my next horrid job when I went through it. As it was, I lost my job just months after George died and was out of work for 5 1/2 months, just two weeks away from unemployment running out when I landed a job. I don't know how I've made the decisions I've made over the years, there've been some tough things to deal with on my own, but somehow I have...and you will too. You may feel alone sometimes, but you are not alone, we are all with you, just as everyone on this forum has been here with me each step of the way. It was Anne who called me when I came out of surgery, not my kids! It was these people, this place, that encouraged me, comforted me, and put their arms around me...just as I've tried to do for them. You have gained an extended family that will not leave your side. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted February 10, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 10, 2015 Thank you Shalady. Thank you Kay. Speechless. Once again... One month ago tonight I was spending my last hour with my princess. I was saying it was okay to go. I was saying goodbye. In my own way. I was holding her with my head against hers, my hand in hers, my other hand on her heart... Peaceful and gentle and quiet. Letting her go be free and in peace without letting her go from my touch and my arms. Nor my heart. It seems an eternity ago, and just last night... Yet it was one month ago. Our son is so resilient. He misses his Mother. The boys miss their Grammy. But everyone seems so resilient. But not I. Even Little Man has adjusted so well. God bless you all here on this same journey wherever you are. I'm going to cuddle Mary's pup... My now, constant little companion. He still sleeps on her pillow. I miss her so. I want to go back a month and tell her more how much I love her and that she'll always be my princess. And hold on a little tighter. I hope she knew. I hope she felt. I think she did... Butch Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 10, 2015 Report Share Posted February 10, 2015 Tell her anyway, dear Butch. Who knows, maybe she can hear you. I talk to George all the time...I think all of us continue to...we won't tell the outside world, they'd probably haul us away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted February 13, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 13, 2015 It's been one month and three days exactly. I'm crying so much tonight. It's like a torrential downpour of emotions. And I don't even know WHAT emotions. It's so hard to see all of her things. Though I don't think I could ever move them. It's hard to smell her scent... Her perfume still. I refuse to wash her pillow cases because I don't want her scent to leave. For myself and for Little Man. My heart is just so heavy and alone. Yet that's where I know my beloved resides... If that makes any sense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 13, 2015 Report Share Posted February 13, 2015 Yes, it does make sense, Butch. I don't know which is hardest, seeing their things, or putting them away. I remember putting his picture up, taking it down, up, down. Finally it is up to stay. Whatever is easiest on you is what you must do...and tomorrow it could be different. I'm glad you can smell her scent, I remember the day I could no longer smell George's, I cried. It was hard to finally wash the bedding. And then finally I gave up trying to sleep in our bed altogether, it was just too much a reminder of his absence. I'm glad you have Little Man going through this with you. How is your concussion doing, Butch? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyCarrie Posted February 13, 2015 Report Share Posted February 13, 2015 Dear Butch, My heart is hurting for you tonight. ❤️ Carrie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shalady Posted February 13, 2015 Report Share Posted February 13, 2015 It makes sense to me too. I can look at some things and others I have to put away. I also do the same thing, it's out, then I have to put it away, and repeat that process. I have started an entire small closet for items like that. I go there when I can. The memory bears reside on the top shelf, atop his favorite blanket with a deer scene on it. It brings me to tears right now just talking about it. At the same time it brings me comfort. So you see Butch, it is our love and emotions and we feel what we feel and that is ok. I loved my Bob so much it makes me miss him tremendously. I talk to him everyday. We don't have to be in a rush to do anything. You don't have to wash the pillowcases or move anything. Do what you can do and take care of you. I hope you find some peace and comfort. You are in my prayers. Shalady Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 17, 2015 Report Share Posted February 17, 2015 More calamity Butch's way...I received this email from him tonight: My DIL passed out two nights ago. Called 911. Her heart was in a sick sinus rhythm and beating at only 8 bpm. They had to implant an emergency pacemaker. She is home tonight. It was scary. But the pacemaker is working thank God. She's in a lot of pain. Recovery is six weeks. So between my son and myself, we are caring for her. She can't use that left arm at all for two weeks or there is risk for pulling leads out of heart. So my son and I are taking care of the boys. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shalady Posted February 17, 2015 Report Share Posted February 17, 2015 Oh my. I have no words. Thank you Kay for letting us know. I will pray for all of them. Shalady Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted February 17, 2015 Report Share Posted February 17, 2015 Thank you for posting this Kay. When will it end for this family! I continue to keep Butch and his family in my prayers. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted February 17, 2015 Report Share Posted February 17, 2015 Thank you, Kay, for keeping us informed. Butch's story reads like the Book of Job. Please let him know that we are holding him close in thought and prayer . . . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted February 17, 2015 Report Share Posted February 17, 2015 Please let Butch know how much we all care and that we are holding his family in our hearts.Thank you, Kay, for keeping us all up to date. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyCarrie Posted February 17, 2015 Report Share Posted February 17, 2015 I join my prayers with those of others here for Butch and his family. Thank you, Kay, for letting us know, so we can pray together for them. Please tell him that we care that this happened to his daughter-in-law. How scary for her and all who love her! Carrie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 17, 2015 Report Share Posted February 17, 2015 Yes, it must feel like Job, that's for sure. I was sharing with him some of what my family went through years ago...sometimes it seems to hit one family way too much! They are in my daily prayers as one family that truly needs it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 27, 2015 Report Share Posted February 27, 2015 Butch wanted me to pass on to all of you... He is feeling bereft, like he has nothing to offer, is unable to post right now. I've assured him that none of us had anything to offer when we first went through this, it takes everything within us just to survive. We have to be selfish in the beginning to make it through this, to protect ourselves. It's the hardest job we've ever had. One day at a time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted February 27, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 27, 2015 Thank you Kay... I'm going to try to post... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 27, 2015 Report Share Posted February 27, 2015 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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