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Scared When I Cry, Scared When I Don't.


jame57

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Instead of posting this on my thread in the 'loss of a parent' section I thought I'd start one here as it may have happened to others.

I'm only too aware of what a roller-coaster of emotions grief is but something about mine is causing me lots of worry. When I'm having a bad day (which is most days) I feel terrible with bouts of crying and generally feeling anxious, wondering how I will ever get over this but accepting that grief can take years. A couple of times I've found days when the tears don't come so easily and I worry! It's so unsettling and I know I should be grateful but it's really getting to me. Is it subconcious guilt?

I recall reading on a grief website a while ago "you'll cry many tears and worry when you don't".....this seems to be the case with me.

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“I recall reading on a grief website a while ago "you'll cry many tears and worry when you don't".....this seems to be the case with me.” ~ jame57

I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. From what I have learned during my grief journey, tears are very common and not to cry is also very common. I suppose it is natural for us to feel strange when the tears don’t flow. I have never heard of the phrase “subconscious guilt” associated with grief so I can’t speak to it, but I do know that we cannot be guilty if we have not done something intentional to hurt another person or even ourselves. If I do something wrong and hurt someone intentionally then maybe I can be guilty for doing a wrong. I know if I ate an entire gallon of chocolate ice cream in one sitting then I could feel guilty for perhaps causing injury to my health. When we love someone there is no room for guilt. To me, guilt is doing something intentionally to hurt another person or myself. We know we are doing something hurtful to another and do it anyway. I do not think that because we don’t cry means that we have something to be guilty about.

Now if this sounds as confusing to you as it does to me than ignore it. Just remember that it is normal to cry or not to cry when grieving any loss.

Oh, by the way, I could never feel guilty for eating a gallon of chocolate ice cream in one sitting. Delightful pleasure would be more like it.

Anne

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I can tell you to try not to worry when you don't cry but I think it's normal to second guess ourselves on everything when we're grieving. Please let me assure you, though, what you are experiencing is normal...both tears and lack of. You have done nothing to earn the guilt though.

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After my dad died two months ago, people were surprised when I didn't cry at the funeral. I was still numb from watching my father die in the hospital. When I did cry, it happened only in short bursts. I thought I would be crying myself to sleep, but it didn't happen, and still hasn't happened, which seems very strange, because I miss my father almost constantly and feel guilty that something I did or something I failed to do contributed to his death. I am worried that something is wrong with me, that I can't express my grief the way I used to in years past. I cried quite a bit after my grandmother and great uncle died in 1984 and 1998, respectively. I remember after I cried a lot for my uncle 17 years ago, there followed a period when I couldn't cry at all, not even at sad movies. Things that didn't use to bother me so much suddenly started to disturb me such as violent scenes in films or in the news. Eventually, my emotions returned to normal after several months.

I loved my dad more than anyone, yet even though I am suffering more than I ever have before from grief, anxiety and insomnia, I haven't cried as much or as easily as I expected to. After my father died, I watched a documentary about grief which had some very sad scenes of children crying for their dead parents and still I couldn't cry. Now two months later, I have started to cry for longer spells and with more frequency and intensity, but still not as much overall as I expected. Maybe the Ativan and Ambien I'm taking for insomnia could be blocking my ability to cry properly. I remember my mother couldn't cry after her son died, because she was on a lot of meds for bipolar disorder. I"m thinking my sleeping pills could be making me anxious, but I need something to help me sleep.

Since my dad died, I suffer from anxiety with electrical feelings in my arms and sometimes tightness in my throat. The psychologist told me that to reduce anxiety, I need to do things that make me feel good. Unfortunately, I'm also suffering from anhedonia so very few things give me pleasure anymore. When I think of almost anything I used to do while my father was alive, it makes me sad and anxious that the happy life I had with him no longer exists. I can't even eat certain foods that he liked, because he's not here to enjoy them with me. Of the three therapists I tried, I only cried with the younger female therapist. She just handed me a box of tissues and said, "You are still very emotional. I think you are suffering from depression." I want somebody to comfort my inner child, using phrases like "you are not alone", "everything will be all right", and "let go of your pain" -- but the therapists are too steriile. I guess I was expecting someone like Leo Buscaglia.

I read that when we're stressed we tend to take short, shallow breaths, which makes the body pump out the stress hormone cortisol and heightens feelings of anxiety. When we cry, our breathing deepens. Deep breathing reduces cortisol production and lowers stress levels. Emotional tears contain a hormone called prolactin, which helps reduce stressful feelings and boosts the immune system.

Last night I tried Glysom, which contains the amino acid glycine that is supposed to promote better sleep by diverting cortisol to more constructive purposes than alerting, among other things. I still only slept about four hours with 5 mg zolpidem and 3.14 g of glycine, but my throat feels better today. This morning I took an Ativan 0.5 mg to make me less anxious, because I think I'm going through benzo withdrawal and need to taper down slowly.

I found a list of five simple ways to lower your cortisol levels without drugs:


1. Regular Physical Activity
2. Mindfulness and Loving-Kindness Meditation (LKM)
3. Social Connectivity
4. Laughter and Levity
5. Music

I'm kind of skeptical, but next I'm going to try Emotional Freedom Technique, or EFT:

http://eft.mercola.com/

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Thanks for the kind replies. Today so far I have cried so much and agonised over my past moments of sometimes not having enough patience when caring for mum. I even thought I deserved this agony. I need to take on board that this roller coaster is normal and maybe this confusion itself is normal? As for the impatience....now I'm calm I know I did what I could and mum knew my stresses. They say a mum knows their children better than they know themselves. I pray she really did know I love her. I would often tell her I wasn't upset with her but the rotten luck of her condition.

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I am certain your mom knew how much you loved her...you told her and showed her. We, as caregivers, are not perfect, they understand that. You are not alone in your feelings, there have been others here that wish they wouldn't have been short tempered when taking care of their loved one, but the fact is, we're all human and when we're over loaded and sleep deprived, it's hard to be perfect all the time.

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Thanks Kayc,

I was in a state this morning and have spent most of the day either driving or chatting to friends. Had a few moments of being teary-eyed whilst driving as I saw things that reminded me of happier days but that's no problem and is to be expected of course. I need to appreciate that whilst my grief is still in it's early days there will be days when things may seem better....why I find these marginally better days scary is beyond me. I have my next appointment with my counsellor on Monday so will probably have a chat about this then. The help I get from you wonderful people on this forum is so helpful and I really appreciate it. Thanks ♡.

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Maybe you're afraid you are leaving her behind if you have a good moment? I think all of us had to work through that. In the early days/months, we'd be miserable, and then if we smiled or laughed, we'd feel horrible for having done so. It was here that I learned I needed to give myself permission to feel joy or happiness, however fleeting. Our loved one would not want us continually miserable, nor could our bodies handle a constant state of that. We need to realize we will have good days and bad days and both are okay, they're part of our journey.

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Thanks Kayc. I need to accept the slightly better days. I think when I first noticed one a while ago I subconciously thought the grief was over! .....how daft I was. Grief is certainly far more complicated than I imagined. One website summed it up perfectly "you have to go about your life, shopping, work, taking the kids to school....all the while feeling as though your insides have been through a blender".

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Yep! that describes it! :)

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hi,

What a day it's been so far. Hardly stopped crying since I got up and almost feel like I'm back at the start after 9 months. Missing mum so much today and feeling so very sad. I just keep trying to say to myself "it's ok, accept where you are in your journey, you're grieving for the most important person in your life and it'll take a long time". I feel I want to go to the top of a hill and shout "I love you mum, I hope you can hear me"......I might just do that. Half of me went when she passed away, the sweetest soul and always there for me through good times and bad.

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:wub:

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I lost my own mom 4 years ago and I still get moments of griefbursts for her. I get upset when I do, but then I know that great love requires great grief. It will get easier as time goes on. The moments that I want to share with her or the moments when I could really use her there are tough still. They probably always will. I get upset when I hear of anyone disrespecting or taking advantage of their mothers. I take it personally. Maybe, in a small way, I'm more appreciative of others because I know great loss. I hope that your days are brighter one at a time.

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Hi, Thanks for your reply. I too get really upset when I hear of other's being unkind to their parents. I agree, it certainly makes you more appreciative of others. In truth though, I seem to fear my days getting brighter as it seems I'm moving away from mum. It's daft I know but Marty posted a link in reply to my main thread and it's made me realise I'm not alone with this fear. Today I've hardly cried and it worries me! I guess it's all part of the chaos that is grief.

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You summed it up aptly when you wrote "I guess it's all part of the chaos that is grief."!

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Thanks Kayc. Marty has the gift of putting up just the right link to some wonderful articles. I'm just glad it's the weekend. I probably won't do much (just feel lethargic) but I'll be kind to myself and just think of it as 'me' time. I may even summon the energy to do a bit of gardening! But I'm often planning stuff in my calmer moments only to abandon them the next day. I won't beat myself up though.

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I am very good at planning productive things and abandoning the plans without any valid reason except that I don't feel like it. Sometimes getting dressed for the day is a feat. Other times I feel like I could redecorate a mall. So I take advantage of the good days when I have them, and forgive myself for the lethargic days. I've learned that it's normal, and necessary. The heart has healing to do, the mind has grieving to do, so I let them. I wish you well and hope that your weekend went well.

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Thanks ctwilki,

My weekend wasn't too bad and I did some gardening in short spells. Plenty of tears too but I know that's ok.

I do try to forgive myself for the lethargic days and try to do things later in the day when I feel calmer.

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It sounds like you at least know what to expect now and know it's normal.

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It sounds like you at least know what to expect now and know it's normal.

I wish I really did know what to expect kayc.

After my counselling session last night it seems to have reawoken old worries

One of which is:

I worry I don't cry enough some days and that in some way it means I'm getting through grief too fast. That grief must last 3 years like people say, so how am I doing so well! Other days I cry so much.....this is scaring me now.

Sorry to bother you folks. It makes me worry.

****Update**** I panicked this morning and posted the above. I must keep in mind that a) It's ok to cry and it's ok not to cry...B) The fact that I may not cry and maybe enjoy something doesn't mean my grief is over but they'd be pleased to see this......C) Grief has no timetable and is full of ups and downs.

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See, you really do know...try not to confuse feelings with what you've learned. Feelings can lead us astray, I mean they have to be dealt with, but they aren't fit to rule us.

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Thank you so much ladies....this morning I was in a very dark place and couldn't get my thoughts together. I must remember the "ups and downs" idea and not give in to panicky feelings. I must also remember grief is not just about crying! I am so grateful to you.

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I've learned that this grief process is often three steps forward, two steps backward, and tried to keep in mind that overall it's moving in a progressive fashion, even when in the "two steps backward" time.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Just recently I've found that the tears don't come so easily at times and yes this should be a good thing and shows I'm moving through the grief process. To try and cope with the anxiety I work in the garden but this does not stop feelings of sadness of course. I've been looking through photos and listening to music and find this brings these "bottled up" emotions to the surface and I cry freely then feel much calmer when they're through. Whilst this works I worry that it's not a healthy practice or I'm somehow making things worse in some way but my view is if the tears are there they need to come out.

Any advice or opinions please?

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