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I Think About It Everyday

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My mum was 44, she committed suicide in February. Didn't make sense then still doesn't now. She had my son 2 days before and she was happy. There are sooo many reasons this doesn't make sense to me. A family friend committed suicide years ago and she always said how selfish it was and how she would never do it they way he did. She was planning a holiday that night, she was talking about my sons birthday, she arranged loads of stuff literally hours before. I wonder if she planned doing it the last time I saw her. It didn't seem like it, it didn't seem like goodbye. Its taking over me, its all I think about. All the time. It physically hurts just this pain I never knew existed. It hurts to look at pictures of her. I think about the moment I saw the police car pull up my drive, the moment I had to tell my 4 year old and the moment I realised ill never see her again. I'm angry at her, i'm angry at the world. I cant imagine having this pain for the rest of my life. I keep waiting for the day I accept it or the day when it doesn't physically hurt me but I don't think it will ever happen. She was my best friend. How can I accept something I will never understand?

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My friend, I’m so sorry to learn of this tragic death of your mother, but grateful to know that you’ve found your way to us so we can be with you in your pain.

Death by suicide is one of the most difficult losses to endure, and certainly one of the most difficult to understand. I imagine it will take a lifetime for you to come to terms with this loss, and I hope that as a survivor of suicide loss, you'll not try to do that without finding some reliable information, comfort and support from others who've dealt with this especially difficult kind of death. You can educate yourself about the subject by reading what others have written about it, and by visiting some websites devoted to the subject.

I’m going to point you to some resources that I hope will help, so you'll have access to them whenever you feel ready to utilize them. You can also download the Survivors of Suicide Handbook, available as a pdf file. (These and other resources are listed on the Suicide Loss page of my Grief Healing Web site.)

In the meantime, just take time to feel and share your thoughts and feelings with us, whatever they may be, and know that we are always here for you

Book, Silent Grief: Living in the Wake of Suicide, by C. Lukas and H. Seiden



  • Surviving A Spouse's Suicide ~ Although it is aimed at a surviving spouse, this article contains lots of information that I think you will find helpful, too. See especially the list of Related Articles and Resources listed at the base.
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I am so sorry for the loss of your mother, and particularly to suicide. Suicide is just way more complicated. I'd have to guess that while she enjoyed you and her grandchild, there was something she felt overwhelming or too hard...usually it's not so much that they don't want to live but maybe some circumstance they don't want to have to go through. If she had pain or lived alone or struggled financially, these could have added to it. Sometimes we don't get the luxury of knowing why and it IS unfair that now that's put on your shoulders to deal with, I'm so sorry.

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I am so sorry for your loss. Suicide is so very complex and the survivors are left with so many questions. I am speaking from both sides as I have been affected by someone close taking their own life and I have tried myself about a year and a half ago. I can only tell you what I was thinking at the time was how I wanted the pain to end. I had been beaten down emotionally by family so much that I felt completely worthless as a wife and mother and human being. I didn't think I deserved my life. I am a former cutter/self harmer (since I was a teenager and off and on throughout my life). I went with what I knew and slit my wrist and took a few Xanax. I had been crying on the phone with my brother at the time and when I started not answering him he sent his wife over to check on me…Of course they called an ambulance and my daughter called my husband at work.The whole while all I wanted was to go to sleep..I got to the hospital with my sister in law by my side. I was in and out of consciousness. The doctors asking if i had done it on purpose this time and I didn't lie. I said yes. He said I just barely knicked an artery in my wrist. I needed a lot of stitching up.My husband showed up, having been at work. I kept telling him how sorry I was. At that point the decision to take me to a treatment facility was made…I could spend up to 72 hours there. I was too tired to fight it at that point.

Coming out of that was rough…The scars alone remind me every day what I did. I'm glad I didn't succeed though. Thinking back now with a clearer head my son would have been lost without me and knowing my daughter would have found me like that…well it kills me. I promised my family never again. What I want you to know is people who commit suicide aren't necessarily wanting to die…they want to end the pain they are in. It could take some investigating your mom's papers, journals, medications, doctors, etc…to maybe find out what was possibly going on that maybe she wasn't sharing with anyone else.

My aunt shot herself in the head while on the phone with her son as he was trying to get to her….we still don't know just why and that was in the early 80's. Sometimes we never fund out why. That is the saddest part. Its ok to be angry, but please…don't stay angry…especially if you loved that person.Let the anger go and try to find some kind of peace eventually. Talk to anyone you can who could shed some light on things. Do what you need to do to find out. Please don't think of her as selfish though. Believe me…in our minds, when we are contemplating it…we are thinking about what is best for everyone else…NOT us…we think you will be better off without us. That was my frame of mind. I was worthless.

Again…I am so very sorry for you loss….it is true somethings we never know the why of what happened. Don't let it weigh you down. It will consume you.

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Dear Huntk94 ... my hearts breaks for you. I cannot imagine what pain you are going through right now. Thank you Cujosgirl15 for sharing your story.

Two of my kids were cutters and it was very difficult for many years. They just had so much emotional pain that this is how they let it out (my daughter also did significant eraser burns to the insides of her arms). As much as I'd like to say that they've grown into healthy adults but I cannot. They just changed the method of hurting themselves ...

I hope that you continue to post here and let us know how you are doing ... I will make sure that I pray for you and your family.

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My heart goes out to you in your time of sorrow

One of my sisters lost her only child during his teenage years. He overdosed himself with a medication. Her son was never a boy to use drugs so we don't understand until this day why he would do such a terrible thing. This happened on Christmas Eve 2004. Until this day we ask our selves why. He never showed any sign of depression or unhappiness . We wonder if he really wanted to die or was he experiencing with something he knew nothing about. My sister was divorced so it was just her and her only child alone. Its been eleven years and my sister still lives the nightmare of losing him. There are so many unanswered questions . Just Why.

I pray for you to some how get through this terrible pain and broken heart.

My mom just passed away almost 3 months ago .April 22,2015 from cancer. My family is experiencing so much heart break and grief of her passing also.

It hurts so bad.


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