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I can't come to terms with losing my Mum

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I just found this forum yesterday......I know the internet is not really the place to find answers or peace but I just don't know what to do.

My beautiful mother passed away on 16th July 2015......see, I can type the words, but still don't believe them!  Please bear with me, this is a long story.  My mum was the victim of a domestic assault four years ago, during which she sustained horrific head injuries and very severe brain damage.  She went from an energetic, fiercely independent, fun carefree lady to a completely dependent person, paralysed and tube fed overnight.  It was the darkest time, she was not expected to survive, but my mothers strength proved everyone wrong.  She retained her wonderful sense of humour and beautiful nature, but needed 24 hour specialist care.  The man responsible went to prison.  After almost a year in a brain injury unit, we were told there was no further progress expected for Mum....she remained totally dependant and very confused, paralysed, and we were advised to look for suitable nursing homes.  Mum was 64 at this time, placing her in a home filled with people 20 years her senior was extremely difficult for us.  We chose one with a good reputation, five minutes from my home, so that I could visit I daily.  She has very slowly and gradually deteriorated, which we were told to expect, and following a stroke last October, which robbed her of her beautiful voice,  had been totally bed bound.  She began deteriorating very rapidly on 10th July, vomiting, laboured breathing, and was seen daily by a GP.  On 16th July at 12.10am I received the phone call I never wanted, I had left her side four hours previously, she had died in her sleep.  I felt like I had been shot in the stomach.  This is enough, this is more than enough to cope with.

We were then informed as the cause of death could not be ascertained, Mum would need a post-mortem, devastating news for us.  The results that came back have left us reeling.......Mum, paralysed and completely reliant on staff to move her, had a broken hip.....sustained approximately 6 days prior to her death.  The police are investigating the home now, and taking statements from staff, but word from the coroner indicates to us that the "severe break" is indicating impact from height.  In other words, someone has dropped her while attending to her, and knowing Mum was unable to communicate, has just put her back into bed, not told anyone, and left her to die in agony from the pulmonary embolism the fractured hip caused.

I am beyond angry.....but the worst thing is the disbelief......I still can't believe I will never see Mum again, I just can't accept it.  I haven't and can't cry.....I think the anger is stopping the grief....can that happen?  I feel like I am in a glass box, away and untouched by everyone and everything else that is happening.  I am totally consumed by my mums last days and can think of nothing else but still can't cry.  I feel like I have a lead box in my chest.  I can say Mum died but I can't feel it.....what's wrong with me?  How can I ever believe what has happened, how can I ever come to terms with it?

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I simply don't know what to say that could possibly ease your pain and I'm horrified at what has happened.  The pain of losing a beloved mum is something many of us on this forum are only too familiar with but for her to be treated like that breaks my heart.

I can at least assure you there is nothing wrong with you.  You are still in a state of shock no doubt and the exceptional circumstances of her passing (which is traumatic enough) would leave any body justifiably angry.  As for the sense of disbelief.....be kind to yourself, it's a long journey ahead but you're amongst people who really care on this forum.  Take it one hour at a time if you have to, I'll pray for you and your dear mum.


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There are no words of comfort that I can express right now. What a very tragic thing to happen to your mum. I am so sorry for your loss. This forum is a caring place for you to be. I hope that when you are ready you will find a grief counselor who can guide you through this trauma. We are here for you.



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I am so sorry for all that your mother experienced, and all of you along with her.  I hope the guilty party faces a murder charge, although I know that is of little consolation to you right now.  It can take quite some time to process what's happened and I hope, with Anne, that you will see a grief counselor to help you through this.

I am just so sorry for your loss.  This is a good place to vent and I hope you will continue to come here and just share your feelings...it does help not to keep it bottled up inside..

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My dear, I can only add my voice to those of our other members, encouraging you to seek the support of a professional grief counselor. This death of your mother is too traumatic, and your grief is too complicated by the circumstances of her death, to think that you can deal with it all by yourself. Certainly we are here for you, to listen and to offer information, comfort and support ~ but you need and deserve much more than that. 

I don't want to overload you with information you may not be ready to absorb, but I invite you to read the following, to give you a better understanding of what you may be feeling and why:

Dealing with Sudden, Accidental or Traumatic Death
Grief Due to Complicated Death (Accident, Suicide, Homicide)

You'll find these and other helpful resources listed on the Traumatic Loss page of our Grief Healing website. 

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Thank you all for your kind words and advice.

There is to be an inquest on 10th November, and a pre inquest review with the police on 1st September, both of which, at the moment, I plan to attend.

My GP has already referred me for counselling, despite the fact I thought it may be too soon.  She said in light of the circumstances, the sooner the better, and that she certainly wants counselling to have progressed by the time of the inquest, which we know is going to be difficult.  My assessment appointment is 8th September.

It is unlikely kayc this will lead to a murder charge, however, if the culprit/culprits are identified, we have been told it is likely they will face a manslaughter charge.  If no one is identified, or admits what they have done, the care home will face corporate manslaughter charges.  This nightmare is a long way from over.  We have been there, when my Mums husband was charge with the assault.  That day in court was harrowing, and one I never wanted to repeat.  I think this will be far worse.

i felt a little stronger yesterday.....that said, I kept myself very busy all day, not allowing myself to think about all of this.  It sounds terrible and I feel so guilty, but I spend very little time thinking about the fact that I have lost my mum, only the circumstances in which I lost her, I am consumed with it.  The one good thing is that before her death, I could not bear to think of the lady she used to be, the vibrant, independent, beautiful person she was, only the helpless, confused dependent soul she became after the assault.  It was too painful to think of her how she used to be, so I shut it out.  Now, I can only think of who she was, and not the dreadful last four years and her torment.  It's a relief to be able to remember Mum as a person and not a victim.

i am returning to work on Thursday, which I am dreading......I have a demanding job with lots of travelling, which I dont feel I can undertake right now, with my lack of concentration.  I am just hoping my manager will be sympathetic to this.  But I do need to get back to done kind of normal, whatever normal is going to be now.  Sitting in the house staring at four walls, going over the same few days in my head, is not helping me at all.  It's not making me cry, which I so desperately want to do, it's just making me more angry.

thank you all again x



Edited by KrisPea
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I am glad you are able to remember your mom as she was and in my belief, is again.  My mom passed away a year ago this week on the 21st...she was ravaged by Dementia.  I believe today she is free from the damages of Dementia and happy and whole as she was made to be.  I also believe I'll see her again, in whatever form afterlife shapes us.  

You're in my thoughts, I know this is a really tough time for you.

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