Sweet Lucy

[judy1354]

On Friday I had to say good-bye to my dog Lucy.  She had lymphoma and was to the point she was having a terrible time breathing, especially at night. She could not lay down without a choking sound conibg from her throat. She couldn't get comfortable.  She was covered in large tumors.  It was so hard because she was still so happy, she was eating, playing with the  other dogs, but the vet kept saying she would drown because her lungs were filling up.  I kept waiting to see that look in her eyes that it was time but it never came.  So I took her in, the vet examined her one more time and said her lungs had a lot of liquid.  I decided it was time.  I talked to Lucy and the vet came back in and it all happened so fast. I expected her to ask if I was ready.  But im talking to Lucy, Lucy cries out, I yelled at the vet to not hurt her and she just said to the tech try the other leg this vein is shot. and as I turned to Lucy she looks at me with her big eyes and she looked so scared and looked at me as if she q as saying whats happening, why are you letting them hurt me.  Then it was over.  It happened so fast.  It was not a peaceful passing in any way.  That is what I took her in for. She could have had a painful death at home. I of course didnt want that for her.  I have gone through this before and its quiet and peaceful.  This was horrible.  I understand the grief, but I can't get the look in Lucy's eyes out of my mind. I can't sleep, I can't eat. I feel like I betrayed her, and her last thought was that I betrayed her and let someone hurt her.  I don't feel the peace for Lucy that I've felt for my other dogs that have passed. I just dont know what to do with this pain and guilt.  I just keep apologizing to her.  I need to feel she is at peace.   I feel so horrible. 

 

 

 

Edited September 7, 2015 by judy1354

[kayc]

She is at peace now.  I'm sorry it didn't go as peaceably as you'd expected.  I lost a dog, Lucky, and her end did not go peaceably either, and I know what you mean about it haunting you.  But then Lucky was always scared, of everything.  It's hard when they're anxious.  Usually they give them two shots, one to calm then, the second to put them to sleep.

She is a beautiful girl, I can see why you loved her so.  She doesn't hold memories of her end, only you do...she remembers what a good home you provided her and how much you loved each other.  I love the thought of Rainbow Bridge, where the dogs play until we can be with them again.  And I truly believe with all my heart that we will.

[Kacy]

Judy,

What a terrible experience that must have been for you and certainly not what you were expecting or hoping for for your beautiful Lucy.  I'm sure it's hard not to go over and over it in your mind, but try to remember that Lucy is at peace now and not suffering at all.  Sometimes, you just have to stop and remind yourself of that.  Believe me, I know how hard that can be, especially right now.

I think if it was me, I would call the vet in a few days or a week or so and tell her how you feel.  I do think she handled things terribly, and I especially would not have liked her remark about the vein being shot.  Maybe it will prevent someone else from going thru a similar experience and make the vet realize how upsetting it can be for the owner.

I find myself that it does help to just talk to your dog.  That is the only thing that I think helps at times. 

Keep posting when you feel the need.

Mary

 

Edited September 7, 2015 by Kacy

[judy1354]

Judy,

What a terrible experience that must have been for you and certainly not what you were expecting or hoping for for your beautiful Lucy.  I'm sure it's hard not to go over and over it in your mind, but try to remember that Lucy is at peace now and not suffering at all.  Sometimes, you just have to stop and remind yourself of that.  Believe me, I know how hard that can be, especially right now.

I think if it was me, I would call the vet in a few days or a week or so and tell her how you feel.  I do think she handled things terribly, and I especially would not have liked her remark about the vein being shot.  Maybe it will prevent someone else from going thru a similar experience and make the vet realize how upsetting it can be for the owner.

I find myself that it does help to just talk to your dog.  That is the only thing that I think helps at times. 

Keep posting when you feel the need.

Mary

 

Thank you for responding.   You're right. I just keep seeing over and over in my head Lucy's face after the vet hurt her.  It was a why aren't you helping me mommy look. She was afraid.   My faith, my intellect know she is happy, not hurting anymore and can breathe.  And I will be with her again.  But there is some little part of me that just wants to say to her I'm so sorry, don't be mad at me.  She was such a sweet dog. I found her running down the street at rush hour. The vet said she was 8 weeks old.  I feel like I let her down.  She should have been able to pass peacefully.  I have been talking to her.  It does help.  My other dogs dont know what to think.  They walk around sniffing, I assume looking for her.  Thanks again for your suggestions and most of all understanding.  

[Kacy]

It's difficult, no matter how we lose them, but sometimes you are just more at peace with their death.  I do understand as my Allie died a terrible death in April, and I have to just force myself to not think about it.

I hope you are able to find peace at some point.  I'm sure that Lucy knew you loved her very much, and you just have to remind yourself of that.

Mary

[MartyT]

Judy, my dear, I'm so sorry that this happened to you and your beloved Lucy. Of course you love her, and there is no doubt in my mind that Lucy knew that then and she knows it now. One of the many things that distinguish dogs from humans is their infinite capacity to forgive and forget. Have you ever accidentally stepped on your dog's tail? Think of how a dog reacts to that sort of accident. Instant forgiveness. No grudges held. No reminders of the incident at a later point in time. No holding it against us. This forgiving nature is amazing to us humans, and I think it's one of the many reasons why we love our dogs so much. I hope you will take comfort in the knowledge that more than anything else, Lucy loved and trusted you, and she knew you loved her too. In her heart she knew you were doing what you thought was best for her ~ because that, my dear, is the truth.

[Marj37]

Judy ---- I am so very very sorry what you had to go through in the vets office.   One of the things we experience when that happens is the traumatic pictures that keep coming into our head.   Keep talking about it.  The pictures will soften.   I know from experience.   And it takes time - there is no way around that.

And I am sorry your Lucy had to have cancer and leave you.   It leaves a hole in our life --- and also your other dogs will miss her so you have that to work with.  We that lose our companions have a pained heart.   This gang is here to hear you.  

 

[judy1354]

She is at peace now.  I'm sorry it didn't go as peaceably as you'd expected.  I lost a dog, Lucky, and her end did not go peaceably either, and I know what you mean about it haunting you.  But then Lucky was always scared, of everything.  It's hard when they're anxious.  Usually they give them two shots, one to calm then, the second to put them to sleep.

She is a beautiful girl, I can see why you loved her so.  She doesn't hold memories of her end, only you do...she remembers what a good home you provided her and how much you loved each other.  I love the thought of Rainbow Bridge, where the dogs play until we can be with them again.  And I truly believe with all my heart that we will.

Thank you.  I hadn't thought about it the way you said it, "she doesn't hold memories or her end."  It will take some time to get those scared eyes out of my head, but I'm trying to replace those thoughts with thoughts of her running, not itching (she always had allergies) and finally being comfortable all the time.  I imagine she is running with my other dogs until we can meet again.  It is so comforting to talk to people who truly understand.  When I'm upset, I tend to say the same thing over and over.  But I think that is what will help get me through.  I so miss her sweet face.  The other dogs aren't eating.  None of them will sleep in the bedroom with me where we all slept, so I'm on the couch and they're all on the floor.  They go in the room to sniff for her, but they just won't sleep in that room.  Thank you again for the kind words.

[judy1354]

Judy ---- I am so very very sorry what you had to go through in the vets office.   One of the things we experience when that happens is the traumatic pictures that keep coming into our head.   Keep talking about it.  The pictures will soften.   I know from experience.   And it takes time - there is no way around that.

And I am sorry your Lucy had to have cancer and leave you.   It leaves a hole in our life --- and also your other dogs will miss her so you have that to work with.  We that lose our companions have a pained heart.   This gang is here to hear you.  

 

Thanks for responding.  Yes, its that same picture staying in my head.  She did leave a big hole in my life and the other dogs can't figure it out.  I'm so happy to have found this forum, it is so comforting to talk to people that truly understand how I'm feeling.  I'm sure I'll be back soon. 

 

[kayc]

My Lucky had allergies/sensitive skin too.  My best memories with her are when she was happily playing in the yard with my son or walking along the softly lapping Columbia River.  She loved running along side us when we rode bicycles or went out for a brisk walk.  Those are the memories I cherish, even as you cherish yours with Lucy.

[Copperpot]

I am so sorry about the traumatic way Lucy left this world. It is noones fault. As much as we try, we cant control these outcomes. Everyone was doing the best they could and you made the right decision for your beautiful Lucy. Feeling that guilt is completely normal & it will pass. Over time you will remember more & more of the great times. The other doggies will adjust too, in time. :-) 

[judy1354]

Thank you for responding.  The guilt is hard to deal with.  We all miss her and you're right, it jyst takes time.  I just wish I could get her scared look out of my head.  In time I guess.  I appreciate so much having a place to express how I'm feeling and others truly understand.

[iPraiseHim]

I deeply understand your grief and loss.  Almost four years ago, I had to take our beloved Brandee to the emergency vet.  My wife woke me up at 1:30 am saying she was restless panting could drink water and couldn't lay down.  When the vets told me that she had stomach bloat.  Apparently her stomach flipped and she was in distress.  She was almost 10 years old.  Life expectancy 10-12 years old.  The Vet wanted $3,000 to unflip her stomach with a 50% chance of survival.  We didn't have the money and so I had to make the decision to help to the Rainbow Bridge.  The decision had to be made quickly because it is an extreme emergency for dogs.  My wife was upset because she didn't even get a chance to say goodbye. I was with Brandee while they gave her the medicine. I petted her and looked into her eyes as she slowly went to sleep.  My wife, took some pictures we had of her in happier times and made a cutout that we enlarged and we could like at her everyday.  It helped to be able to look at her picture and remember better times.  I still have Brandee's and my wife's picture (passed seven months ago) to remind me of happier times.  Praying you will find comfort and peace  in your grief walk.  Shalom

[kayc]

George,

I'm sorry you had to make such a decision without your wife there, but it had to be done.  It's just so hard!  My heart goes out to all of you in the loss of your "best friends".

[Critterdoll]

Judy, my heart goes out to you in your grief and the horrible experience you went through in parting with Lucy.  She is a beautiful dog!  I think all of us feel, regardless of how the end of our pets' life happened, that one minute he or she was here, the next minute not, everything happens so quickly.  Lucy does know that you loved her dearly, and knows it wasn't your fault how things happened.  I also feel so badly for your other dogs who miss Lucy as you do.  They grieve as you do.  Please try your best to reassure them and be there for them so they know you love them as much as ever and Lucy's departure will not change that.  You all have that grief-bond right now and need to get through it together.

We are here for you anytime you need a shoulder to cry on.  We are in the same boat as you and feel your pain.

Blessings,

~ Mia ~

[judy1354]

Thank you for your kind words Mia.  It has been hard, as you know.  My other dogs wouldn't sleep in the bedroom anymore, they all slept in the hallway.  So this past weekend I switched bedrooms and they seem to feel better about that.  One of them continues to look for Lucy, sniffing all the rooms and then coming up to me and whining.  Its so sad.  I just do my best to comfort her.  It does help having them all there with me.  The vet left me a message yesterday that Lucy's paw print was ready to pick up.  I got so angry again, thought I was past that.  So, I think I'll wait a bit before going into the vet's office.  This forum really has helped and continues to help me a lot.  Lots of people love their pets, but there are a certain group, like those on this page, they sincerely think of their pets as family.  I appreciate so much connecting with those people.  Thanks again.

Judy

[judy1354]

I deeply understand your grief and loss.  Almost four years ago, I had to take our beloved Brandee to the emergency vet.  My wife woke me up at 1:30 am saying she was restless panting could drink water and couldn't lay down.  When the vets told me that she had stomach bloat.  Apparently her stomach flipped and she was in distress.  She was almost 10 years old.  Life expectancy 10-12 years old.  The Vet wanted $3,000 to unflip her stomach with a 50% chance of survival.  We didn't have the money and so I had to make the decision to help to the Rainbow Bridge.  The decision had to be made quickly because it is an extreme emergency for dogs.  My wife was upset because she didn't even get a chance to say goodbye. I was with Brandee while they gave her the medicine. I petted her and looked into her eyes as she slowly went to sleep.  My wife, took some pictures we had of her in happier times and made a cutout that we enlarged and we could like at her everyday.  It helped to be able to look at her picture and remember better times.  I still have Brandee's and my wife's picture (passed seven months ago) to remind me of happier times.  Praying you will find comfort and peace  in your grief walk.  Shalom

I am so sorry for your losses.  Do I understand correctly that your wife passed also?  That is so much to go through in such a short period of time.   You are such a kind person to comfort me in my loss while you are grieving your own losses.  I'm glad you were with Brandee and got to pet her and comfort her while she went to sleep. Not having that has been the hardest part for me.  I still see Lucy's scared eyes, looking at me for help.  I know she is happy now, no longer in pain.  I know it will take some time for me.  Thank you again for sharing your story.  Blessings.

[Marj37]

Hi Judy--- yes, it sure will take time.   Telling the story over and over can help.   What helped me get out my awful feelings of the last 48 hours of Gb's life was to scribble and scribble my feelings (in addition to crying) in a journal that is apart from my love journal to Gb.  Sometimes my words are several inches tall!  It's my story.  It's very private and full of anger and sadness and many "why's" - like why couldn't I have had him a couple more years, etc.

[kayc]

Judy, yes, his wife passed away.

[judy1354]

Hi Judy--- yes, it sure will take time.   Telling the story over and over can help.   What helped me get out my awful feelings of the last 48 hours of Gb's life was to scribble and scribble my feelings (in addition to crying) in a journal that is apart from my love journal to Gb.  Sometimes my words are several inches tall!  It's my story.  It's very private and full of anger and sadness and many "why's" - like why couldn't I have had him a couple more years, etc.

It does seem to help to tell the story over and over.  I think journaling would be a good idea for me too.  My biggest why is why can't I get her scared eyes out of my head when I try to fall asleep.  She did not deserve that.  I just want to feel she's at peace.  

[Marj37]

That's what happens to all PTSD victims.........those pictures are way too sharp .   They will get softer as time goes on but it is so painful when it happens.   Tell the story over and over even to the air; and write it over and over.   It is definitely a huge OUCH!