Lisa_D Posted October 13, 2015 Report Share Posted October 13, 2015 It's been 25 days since my boyfriend lost his battle with cancer. I am 39, he was 43, we were together for almost 4 yrs. I loved him with all my heart.I'm feeling more lost now than I did when he passed. I was by his bedside along with his mom and brother when he passed, it plays over and over in my head like a skipping record. I wish I could make it stop. I'm depressed, angry, hurt, etc. How do I recover from this? I have two children, 14 and 10, who need me there for them but I can't find my smile. Can anyone offer me advice on coping with this??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted October 13, 2015 Report Share Posted October 13, 2015 My condolences, and everyone on this board know what you are going through......The biggest two things that helped me was....do not be afraid to have a daily cry.....it is good for you.....make sure you have someone to talk to, a Grief Buddy would be ideal...and this someone you talk regularly with.......there are councillors, groups, Employee Assistant Programs......This is a slow process, but you will succeed.....kevin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 13, 2015 Report Share Posted October 13, 2015 Lisa,I am so sorry for your loss. The pain from grieving for someone so close is unbearable at times. I lost my precious wife of thirty-seven years far too soon seventy-six days ago also to cancer. This is a good start. There are many wonderful caring people here who can share there experiences. One trouble with having children is that they need you and you are limited in the time you can grieve. Try to set aside time to grieve and find people you can talk to. If possible a grievance counselor is a good idea. Also look in your area for bereavement support groups; they can be very helpful. It will take time but things will get better. You will never have the life you had but you will be able to build a different life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debi.williams Posted October 13, 2015 Report Share Posted October 13, 2015 Lisa I am so sorry for your loss. It is very very recent and I think you may feel worse now because the initial shock and numbness has receded. It is 71 days for me. I lost my husband of a sudden brain haemorrhage within 24 hours on August 2nd. We had been together for over 18 years and we have a son who turned 16 shortly after. My husband was 49 years old and I am 53. It is very very difficult when you have children to care for as they need you so much. As Brad says, 'you are very limited in the time you can grieve' and I have found this both a good thing and also very difficult. Good because you have a focus and we always put the needs our children first and very difficult because sometimes I want to scream and cry and rage at the moon but I cannot intentionally upset my son.The only advice I can give you Lisa is pretty much what the others here have said. I have found the forum has been here in my darkest hours and there are very many. I get a chance to vent, ask for help and advice generally just to be listened to. Everyone here wishes they were not on this forum for obvious reasons but the simple truth is that we have all lost a piece of our soul when our loved ones passed and we all understand each other's grief. On another thread one of the members put that the wisest piece of advice she had been given is to take it day by day, hour by hour and to try and stay in the present and not to look at the future too much. I can only echo that. I wish you strength and love. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted October 13, 2015 Report Share Posted October 13, 2015 Dear Lisa,I am sorry for the loss of your boyfriend. I lost my boyfriend, the love of my life, a year ago. How to cope.... what I had to learn was to go on one day at a time, one hour at a time. A year later I can go on one week (or two) at a time. To grief is described as a work, and I believe it is. It is to learn how to walk again, knowing that our dreams are behind, the present is painful and the future is covered with a thick fog. I have found in therapy a way to cope with all the familiar and unfamiliar guests coming from grief, from the emotions you described, to the questions I (still) have, to the non-stop film about my boyfriend's last days in hospital. I read a lot of material about grief, loss, afterlife. Some people keep a journal. I write down quotes from books, articles, and I read them again.And this forum has helped me too. People here understand and are very compassionate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted October 13, 2015 Report Share Posted October 13, 2015 Lisa, my dear, I hope you can feel our collective arms around you as you enter this safe and compassionate space. I'm so sorry that you're here, but pleased to know that you've found your way to us.You've asked for advice on coping, and if you take some time to explore some of the posts in this forum, you will find dozens upon dozens of suggestions. See also our Tools for Healing forum, which offers lots of practical information.The most important thing for you to do right now is to take good care of yourself ~ and that means the basics: remember to breathe, drink plenty of water, get adequate rest, engage in some form of exercise every day (even if it's just walking around the block) and try to eat small amounts of nutritious food, even if you're not in the mood to eat anything. (I'm serious about remembering to breathe ~ because when we're in pain, we tend to hold the breath or take very shallow breaths, without even being aware of it. So several times a day, remind yourself to breathe ~ deeply, slowly and intentionally.) As everyone else has stated, do your best to live in the "now" without worrying about where you will be and how you will feel tomorrow, next week or next year. Just make it your goal to get through today, one hour, one moment at a time. And lean on the rest of us whenever you need to do so. That is what we are here for . . . ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kpl48 Posted October 13, 2015 Report Share Posted October 13, 2015 I'm so sorry you lost your boyfriend. My husband died from lung cancer a year ago. My grief is very painful when I'm home alone...when I'm alone. I also want the pain to end, but I have learned it is part of the grieving process. Over the past year I have built friendships in a support group I go to. I'm also in therapy and go to a grief group once a week. I'm a member of an email grief group and have now joined this grief group. This group is so helpful. I can read and share any time I want to. Everyone here is so supportive. It's true, about taking it one step at a time. Sometimes I take it one minute at a time. It must be difficult with a child, but that is a blessing too. Some of the previous suggestions will be very helpful for your new life. None of us chose to have this new life, yet here we are. The gamut of feelings can be difficult to go through. The experiences and replays from others in this group give me a lot of hope. Please keep sharing and reading - it really helps. Kristine Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa_D Posted October 13, 2015 Author Report Share Posted October 13, 2015 Thank you everyone for your kind advice, support and compassion. My family lives several states away and though I have many close friends that are trying to help me, they don't really understand what I'm going through. I'm finding myself getting angry with some of my closest friends because of this. Has this happened to any of you? I was crying at my desk at work yesterday and was asked "what's wrong?"... Really???? Did she really just ask me that? I've had others tell me that I NEED to start living again, that Mat wouldn't want me down here acting like this. This was just said to me today! They've never lost a partner, and you can't compare it to a parent. I lost my mom 5 yrs ago and though hard it was nothing like this. I feel I've no one to turn to, I feel like a burden to my friends. My sons aren't understanding my grief and in turn I'm becoming bitter. This is NOT who I am!!! I've had a rough life, Mat made it better. He brought all the good out in me that I had lost when I went through a horrible divorce. Now that anger is being triggered again. I know I should do counseling but I'm a full time working single mom and it's difficult to find time. I'm sorry for my rant, I just really need some honest and real advice. Are all these feelings normal? Like I said in my opening, I'm lost without him.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harleyquinn Posted October 13, 2015 Report Share Posted October 13, 2015 I'm so sorry for your loss Lisa. You're right, most people truly don't understand. I'm 33 years old- most of my friends have not had to go through anything like this (thankfully)- which makes it difficult. I think everything you're feeling is "normal" (is there really a normal for grief ?) I use the forum as my sounding board..... I don't talk to people in my day to day life. I cry in private (sometimes even in the bathroom stall at work) and try to hide my red puffy eyes from the world. I focus on putting one foot in front of the other each day. that is the most I can do right now, so i don't expect anything else of myself. the people who say, "go live life"....although i'm sure have the best of intentions, don't understand it is much much too soon for that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa_D Posted October 13, 2015 Author Report Share Posted October 13, 2015 Harleyquinn, It is so refreshing to know others feel the same and UNDERSTAND! I'm so sorry for your loss as well. How long has it been for you since your love passed? Although Mat had cancer he never led on nor did he tell me that the doctors told him he wouldn't survive. He was a fighter and he fought tooth and nail till his last breath. It was such a shock to us, he digressed so fast. 5 weeks prior he was vacationing with his son, then continuous digression. It plays over and over in my head. It's like no other pain I've ever felt. I wish this was all a dream. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 14, 2015 Report Share Posted October 14, 2015 Everyone has addressed your question pretty well already, but with children I would set aside time to grieve after they go to bed, and get a good grief counselor, take walks (it relieves stress and helps you feel better, giving you optimal chance for coping), also take care of yourself, drinking plenty of water and eating healthy. Spending time around pets & children is good too. I've heard a lot say that volunteering gets your focus off your empty spots and out of yourself, but I would say further down the road, at first it's all you can do to just function and do what you have to do.It does help to voice yourself where you feel understood. Surround yourself with those that are supportive.I think all of us felt like it was a dream...or wished it was. (((hugs))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa_D Posted October 14, 2015 Author Report Share Posted October 14, 2015 Thank you Kayc, I'm so glad I found this site. Somewhere I can express how I'm feeling without being judged or criticized. Somewhere that I too can be helpful in showing others they are not alone either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harleyquinn Posted October 14, 2015 Report Share Posted October 14, 2015 Lisa,I agree with kayc.....give yourself time each day to grieve after the kids are in bed. I have time each morning before work that I use to talk to Michael and cry. It really does seem to help to have scheduled timeMichael passed away July 1st of this year. My situation is a little different than everyone else here..... Michael and I were divorced, he had some pretty serious drug addictions. He passed due to complications from chirrosis of the liver that he got from intrevenous drug use. Regardless of the amount of time that passed since our divorce he loved me...And he was the love of my life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debi.williams Posted October 14, 2015 Report Share Posted October 14, 2015 Lisa, people, even those we consider close, say some extraordinary things that are either insensitive or unthinking. I even started a thread on this forum called 'the weird things people say' as I have found the reaction of people (not all of course) quite breathtaking sometimes. That is why, with the exception of 2 close friends, I prefer to let out my feelings here, where I know I will be understood and that no one can say things like 'what's wrong?' (that definitely belongs in the category of my thread). I mean HONESTLY? Who says that?It is hardly surprising everything keeps replaying in your head, because for Mat to be on vacation and then just 5 weeks later........, this challenges everything we consider normal. My husband was eating lunch with me and chatting 3 hours before his collapse, carrying in the grocery shopping 2 hours before and getting something from the freezer 1 minute before and less than 24 hours later he had passed. that is the official version of when he passed I believed it was about 3 hours later as he was in a coma he never woke from. The shock is unbearable and like you the continuous flashbacks send me crazy. I can't even call it a dream because it was and is a nightmare and none of us can wake up from it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 14, 2015 Report Share Posted October 14, 2015 Debi-I am reading a book called "The Year of Magical Thinking" by Joan Didion and one of the main themes is when we do lose someone unexpectedly, frequently those left behind will marvel at how normal life was that day, that hour, that minute just before; how routine, and then it wasn't. And then it wasn't for a very, very long time.While I was going through my wife's cancer with her I was very envious of those I knew whose partners died unexpectedly. It was so very hard watching my soulmate be stripped from me piece by piece; watching her lose everything that made Deedo, Deedo; her energy, her vitality, her sense of humor, and at the very end, her passion for life. But them, on the other side of the coin, she was able to prepare for leaving us; she wrote letters, she let me know where she hid her Little Book of Secrets, she organized all the gifts and cards the kids and I had given her over the years, she organized tubs of school work and special projects the kids had completed; she arranged to have a Birthday card from her delivered to me on my birthday because she knew she would not be there. While at times these things initially serve as an ambush, I know, down the road, they will be a comfort. I've come to the conclusion that the worst way for someone to die is the way in which they died. It doesn't matter if it was long and drawn out or happeded in the blink of an eye; we will always want them back, we will always want that husband/wife/boyfriend/child/parent sized hole in our heart filled. We will always want life to be what it was before it happened. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 14, 2015 Report Share Posted October 14, 2015 Yes, everything seems to fall into "before" or "after" category, that moment is life changing and pivotal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kpl48 Posted October 14, 2015 Report Share Posted October 14, 2015 I cry every day for life as it was. He was diagnosed with lung cancer and given a year to live. During that year I cried off and on. He understood. He told me many loving things: he had no regrets, he wanted me to make many friends, he wanted me to enjoy my life. We spent good times together. I haven't been the same since he died. My heart is broken without him. I have made many friends and I'm living this new life the best I can. Thank God for this group. By reading shares I know that my thoughts and feelings are normal. I want to thank every one for sharing so much from your hearts. Kristine Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harleyquinn Posted October 14, 2015 Report Share Posted October 14, 2015 Kayc.. that reminds me of something i posted on facebook the other day.. (btw i'm sure my friends are tired of all my super depressing posts...) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 14, 2015 Report Share Posted October 14, 2015 I've been fortunate enough to enjoy many of those life altering moments. All the kind that make you jump out of bed in the morning to see what life will bring you. I guess it's payback time because this moment where nothing will ever be the same is the most powerful moment I have ever experienced and I DON'T LIKE IT! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 15, 2015 Report Share Posted October 15, 2015 Harleyquinn,It's uncanny how spot on that is! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debi.williams Posted October 15, 2015 Report Share Posted October 15, 2015 Harleyquinn, KayC is right it is exactly that.Brad I totally identify with what you said. I cannot ever envisage having those' jump out of bed in the morning' moments ever again without him to share the joy with. Every interesting experience/conversation I had I wanted to share with him (and did) and everything beautiful a mountain/piece of music I want to see through his eyes also (and did). It was always so. So what now? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harleyquinn Posted October 15, 2015 Report Share Posted October 15, 2015 This seems impossible. ....but I can only hope it's true Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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