Pain That Doesn't Go Away

[Margm]

Before we moved into Arkansas I wondered how an old woman, or even a middle aged woman would traverse these rocks everywhere.  We had the kind of flatlands in Louisiana where the road was straight, no hills, only necessary curves, and a Walmart was close (where ever I was).  Billy handled everything.  He was not a handyman fix-all person.  We did not have to have an electrician change our light bulbs, but he definitely was not a homesteader.  Neither am I.  I prefer to rent where I don't have to be responsible for appliances, etc.  Billy's family always rented.  Small, small town.  I do remember one time he built them a very sturdy outside toilet, a two hole one.  Oh, that was many, many years ago within the "city" limits.  I think Billy could have existed without me.  The facts were he went down so fast, only six weeks, and he lost so much dignity during those six weeks.  He hated me bathing him.  He hated me shoring him up to walk and he lost the ability to walk so fast.  He was gone in an instant.  I cursed the time that I did not have with him.  I wanted to care for him.  But, my only consolation, and it is such a poor consolation, but a true one, he did not suffer long, the pain was not unbearable, and he just quietly left me.  Either the aneurysm in the back of his brain burst or his little heart just gave up.  I cursed the time that was taken away from us.  But, his dad and my dad were in the hospital with all life support turned off and we were only allowed to put ice chips on their lips.  Both men lasted six days with the family watching unbearable pain that not even enough morphine could be given.  I did not want him to leave me period.  But, he did not suffer the pain most cancer patients suffer.  Is that a consolation?  It has to be, I am allowed no other.

[Guest]

Fortunately for Deedo palliative care was able to keep the pain mostly at bay in the late stages.  It was hard knowing she was slipping away but so heavily drugged that she would stay comatose to the end but then I was happy that she wasn't hurting.  And Margaret you are right; we need to find the positives, no matter how minute, wherever we can.

[Margm]

Brad, I typed medical transcription for 43 years.  I always hated to type the word palliative care.  And yet, while in the big hospital, the palliative care nurse came to us.  I did not tell Billy what the word palliative care meant.  She spoke from anonymity about one thing, and that marijuana helped some symptoms.  Of course it was illegal, and of course Billy had never had any.  He spent some of his best moments with the marijuana provided him, bonding with his kids during this time.  Was I against this?  Definitely not.  I did not join in, not from being annoyed at it, just because my two times of attempting to smoke regular cigarettes in my teen years hurt my lungs so bad when I tried to inhale that I had no desire to try ever again.  And, my mom would have bought my cigarettes.  She is 94 and still smokes.  I am happy that Billy had that time with his kids, with laughter, with talking and looking at the stars.  I came outside once with them, he saw me, and somehow his legs let him run and hug me.  He looked like a bowlegged cowboy, but it is one memory I can handle right now with a smile.   

[Guest]

Margaret-

I'm glad marijuana worked for Billy.  We tried medical marijuana tinctures with Deedo (legal here in AZ) with very disappointing results.  We used the THC but that completely zoned her out to the point she couldn't talk.  We also used the CBD tincture to try to increase appetite.  While this did not stone her it also didn't help with the appetite.  You will also find many more memories with a smile as you struggle through your grief. I'm happy you have that one for now.

[Margm]

I so wanted it to increase his appetite and encouraged it often.  Unfortunately, it did not help.  It did help with his mood though, he just could not eat or drink anything.  I had bought the most fortified Ensure and Boost.  I have lived off of this the past month.  He only had two chemo treatments.  His body just totally turned against him with such a ferocious attack, so soon, I could not fix anything, one day I got 2 oz. of Gatorade down him.  Our visits were for saline boluses more than for chemo.  Maybe I should be grateful for small favors.  But the short use of marijuana definitely helped his mood and was wonderful, funny bonding sessions with his two middle aged kids.  They laughed a lot and he pointed out all the formations of the stars to them (he has to me before too, but I cannot remember), but his mind was sharp, loved numbers, loved studying till the end.

[kayc]

Margaret, It sounds like you have wonderful memories with him.  

[kevin]

That Boost and Ensure (Vanilla) provided my Angela with 50% of the main nutrients each day. I found she was more hungry in the morning but anytime she got the yen /craves for anything, I whipped it up. She may have only taken a bite or two and she was full, but the dog ate well......Canabis is prescribed here quite often.