Pain That Doesn't Go Away

[Margm]

I believe, and this is observation and my belief, there is a big difference in sympathy and empathy.  I remember a lot of my friends losing their husbands to death and I offered them sympathy.  Now that I have lost Billy, those same women offer me empathy.  I accept it with an open heart and I love them for it.  I remember my aunt, who passed away at age 90, she had lost her husband of 57 years when she was 77-years-old.  I can never remember my heart being as open to her as it would be now.  She is gone, and I feel guilt, but at the time I understood sympathy, I did not understand empathy.  

[hollowheart]

Margaret, 

I don't think we are supposed to understand empathy in that way. I know I had heard of people and known people that lost siblings and I know I felt I just could not understand how that would feel--well I certainly know now. At that time I knew that would be pretty much the worse thing to happen to me beyond losing my Mom--and it is.

With Sympathy you are sad for the person but still not THAT sad because you truly don't know what it's like. You just know what you you believe it would be like for you personally. When it really does happen then you know just what they are going through. I have seen funerals where women buried their children and they were fainting, couldn't stand up without help, couldn't be still. You would not get that sort of grief unless it happened to you.

[Margm]

"I believe, and this is observation and my belief, there is a big difference in sympathy and empathy."  My quote.  Whatever our belief, however, we feel, we all know grief now first hand.  Something I wish we never had to know.

When I had cancer and was worried about dying all the time, I would wake up at night afraid.  Billy would try to calm me, and this was thirty-three years ago.  The calming influence he had on me was great, but it got turned around.  His exact words I do not remember over the years, but the meaning was "Margaret, if you do die all your worries, your pain, your trials and tribulations will be over with and it will be your family that is left with all the grief and pain."  How right he was.  

However we share grief, we share all the pain that he was referring to the family and people that were left behind.  He also told me once, "whoever is left, must stay."  So, whoever is left must pick up the pieces of a shattered life and live somehow, someway.  Words are just words.  Grief is pain.

 

[enna]

  "So, whoever is left must pick up the pieces of a shattered life and live somehow, someway.  Words are just words.  Grief is pain."  ~ Margaret

I really like this thought, Margaret. Grief indeed is pain. 

Anne

[Guest]

When my darling Deedo died, my world was shattered. Initially, I tried gathering the pieces of my fragmented life in hopes of reassembling them into the future we always dreamed of. It was painfully disasterous. Today I still have those fragments of my life... Our life....but I am trying my best to only pull them out when I feel strong enough to reflect back on those innumerable memories that will bring joy to my heart and a warming smile to my face. It's the hardest thing I ever encountered and frequently I falter but I know this is what Deedo wants. 

Edited November 14, 2015 by Brad

[Margm]

Brad, I cannot look at Billy's pictures yet without crying.  I hope that one day, I know that one day I will have them beside me where ever I go.  I know/I pray that one day they will give me some semblance of peace and not sorrow.  My daughter posts them on Facebook and I have to pull away.  It is so raw, so painful right now.  Not yet a month.  I was able to look at his 11th grade picture and smile.  I did not know that cute plump, blond, slicked back 56-57 hairdo boy.  But, I did love the boy in the picture without hurting.  Strange feelings happen.  Like the RVing that I so boldly planned that first week.  Those were "our" plans.  I cannot carry them out without him.  I know that would be too painful seeing the places we had planned on seeing again.  We always traveled to NM first thing.  My daughter recently moved there and thought I would enjoy coming.  I went out there on business one time, just my daughter and me.  Billy stayed here with our granddaughter.  I was miserable.  The places we enjoyed could not be enjoyed without him.  That is a strange phenomenon I have encountered.  I have never been alone.  Went directly from Mama and Daddy directly to Billy.  Now, in my second childhood, I am on my own.  Strange, scary, and empty.

[Guest]

Margaret

Grief is an ever-evolving process that is so individual. What works for me may easily not work for others. At three weeks I was sobbing hysterically most of the time. I hadn't started counseling, support groups, hadn't found this discussion group. I had not found all of the wonderful people who have been mentors and support.

For me a huge breakthrough came when my psychiatrist put me on Mirtazipine. It did three things: helped me to get more than three hours of sleep per night, improved my eating, and leveled my emotions without numbing them. 

For the first month I was the one posting pictures on FB  I wanted the world to see my wonderful bride.  I did not want her forgotten. For me it was cathartic.  

I believe that each of us need to find those things that gives us solace.  In another thread I wrote in response of What would Deedo Do. She is my idol. I want to honor her by becoming the caring, sensitive and compassionate person she was.  I want to try harder to be the person she thought I was.  But then again that is me.  Through all of the trials we went through In our thirty-seven years we found that we did better by meeting challenges head on. But then none of our challenges were this difficult. 

I do know this:  what worked for me today will probably not work for me tomorrow. I have to trust in the hope that someday with enough practice I will be able to remember and embrace my past.  It really was a fairy tale. Just one without the Happily Ever After. 

[Margm]

I dread Thanksgiving so much.  I don't dread going to Louisiana, I dread coming back to this place we lived in, the place he left me in.  I know he did not do it on purpose, I realize that, but I don't want to return.  I have to put the house on the market though.  Things I have to face and I want to hide under the covers.  I can physically do that.  What I want to do is just run, and I don't know where.  Besides, I cannot physically do that.  

[Gwenivere]

Brad, I love what you said about what works today may not tomorrow.  I know that throws me all the time.  One day things seem almost tolerable and the next day whatever it was has vanished.  I don't know about you or anyone else besides the waking and coming home being a hard time, but there are certain parts of my day I can count on being tough.  The days they ease I never trust because I have found the next day I can be right back to intensity.  I think that is what makes this so much harder.  We just can't count on anything to be consistent besides being vulnerable to the pain.  So I relish them when they happen and remind myself that it is temporary.  I haven't the spare energy to keep getting frustrated by it.  It's a weird kind of acceptance.  

Happily ever after.  For so long Steve and I lived that way.  Treasuring the time we had as we got older together.  So much embracing if the 'now' as we learned that is all we really have.  It helped get us thru the disease when it would wane enough to do something enjoyable.  Does anyone get a happily ever after?  Because we do have to die, someone will be left behind.  But you are also right...we can't forget that for a time, we did have the best thing that can happen to anyone.  Love.

[Gwenivere]

Margaret, I, too, have learned the big distinction between sympathy and empathy.  What Is so sad is what that knowledge costs. One of my biggest hopes is now that I know, I can share more deeply with others losses so something good comes from this harsh lesson.  I have heard it said that grief rewrites your address book send I sure found that out.  You can tell those who getting and those that only think they do.  It's sad they will someday know and sometimes I want to tell them what they are spared right now.  But there is no reason to.  Many I know have thought about what they would feel seeing what happened to me.  That is enough to have to think about and it has helped some to start treasuring the partners now and not take day of their time for granted.  Perhaps it is a small gift we can give them so they enjoy each other with a renewed appreciation.  

[kayc]

Yeah, I think when my husband died, I should have just bought a new blank address book and started from there because honestly, our friends all left.  You have to build new friendships.  If some of you had a different experience, I'm happy for you!

[Gwenivere]

Someone I know passed this to me.  Said it was for those of us in this horrible place.

[Gwenivere]

Oops, thought the quote copied....trying again...

[Gwenivere]

Well, darn.  Maybe if I type it in myself.....otherwise.....sorry for the pile up of posts....

"When the unthinkable happens and grief enters a life, the person is forever forcibly evicted from the world which they have known and are left to wander a landscape that may seem as foreign as the moon"

 

 

[november blues]

I just found this site and have been browsing for a few minutes before posting my thoughts. I lost my husband of 35 years on November 23, 2013. As others have said "I will never be the same". It is a "new normal" I have read--but I haven't figured that one out yet. I have come to the conclusion that death strips you of everything. Nothing will ever be the same--ever!! You have to learn to do things like it was the first time you have ever done them. You have to think more--ask for help more--and most of the time just try to figure out what you need to do all by yourself. You learn about "self" real fast. I have been through all the firsts, seconds and starting on my thirds. I am not much better. The first Thanksgiving and Christmas after my husband died I do not even remember. All holidays are bad because there is always a memory you think of and ruins the good times you are supposed to be having. After 1 1/2 years of grieving big-time I decided to "move on"--have a better aspect on life and try to do better for myself. This just occurred this past Easter. I do feel better, look better (I lost 25 pounds). and try to look more presentable. People have noticed and it gives me the inspiration to keep on keeping on. My son gave me the best advice. He said "Mama, you are going to have to stop worrying about everything, start doing things you want to do, go where you want to go and let it be all about you". He went through more than I did in 2013--his wife walked out on him, he lost his daddy, lost a job and went through bankruptcy. I said if he is standing strong after all that then who am I to argue with his advice. He told me he knew I had to do this because he had to--he went through the same thing and that is what he did. Thank God for a smart son!!! So I left my house (still has not sold), moved to an apartment which is close to my son, my daughter and grandbabies, my older sister and her husband. Best thing I ever did. I am staying busy and that is good. I still have my "moments" and it has been a lot of baby steps but I thank the good Lord I am still standing. I told my preacher I could have very well gone the other direction but that is not what God's plan was. I like His plan a lot better. I am not where I need to be but thank God I am not where I used to be. I know that people who have lost a spouse has to go through things their way and in their own time but we must keep going forward and do the best we can because no matter who it is--nobody else understands what we are going through. We have to be strong for ourselves because nobody else can do it for us. I hope I have inspired somebody out there. I know it is hard and it will never go away and I still cry rivers sometimes and have days when I think nobody cares. That is when I say "Don't you dare give up".

 

 

[enna]

I really like your quote, Gwenivere. I'm glad you found it.

Welcome! November Blues, to this wonderful forum. I am sorry that you have come for the reason you did.  I like your son's advice to you. He sounds like a very wise man. We will never be the same, but we will get to where we need to be. This I believe.  I believe that crying is healing and we are too strong to give up. 

Anne

 

[november blues]

 

 I believe that crying is healing and we are too strong to give up.

 

Tears are God's way of cleansing us

[Gwenivere]

Hi November Blues.  I am about 13 months into this and have a long way to go.  I was especially struck by your name because November is both my and my husbands birthdays, Thanksgiving leading into Christmas and our anniversary is in January.  He died October 29th of last year.  The bunching of significant dates couldn't be worse.  You expressed the firsts so well.  We are all competent people, but sharing what we did in life was the magic of our partnerships.  It is very hard to become a ME instead of a WE because none of us wanted to.  I'm happy for you that you have family close to you to be with.  I haven't that so I will live on in this home we once shared.  There are many who do not understand what we are going thru, but thankfully this place is here where we can see we are not alone as it feels that way so much of the time.  At first I was dismayed that after 3 years you still have the harsh (?) reactions to the grief and then I thought....but of course!  This will change, ebb and flow, but losing someone one loves so much will stay with us deeply always.  Not that I expected some magical transformation.  I think it is accepting the reality that things are forever changed to this 'new normal' (I don't get that term either because normal will never apply) is the best we can hope for.  Thank you for sharing a glimpse into further down the road.

 

[KATPILOT]

I was watching the news and I am reminded again of how sensitive I am to the death of others (talk about pain never going away).  I can't come to grips with death. I never will but I feel such sadness every time something happens to others that I know has become more magnified since I lost my wife in 2011. I think sometimes when you have experienced such a sad loss as we have, you have a very hard time with this.

You have courage November.  Not an easy thing to achieve in such a short time. I thought I had psyched myself into not giving up but days like this make me almost look forward to the day when I'll finally be "off planet".  As Eeyore  might say "Perhaps I'll feel better in the morning but I doubt it".

Edited November 14, 2015 by KATPILOT
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[Gwenivere]

Both Steve and I experienced a lot of death with family and friends.  We thought those were the worst of times.  I am glad he was spared this path, but it really does change your view of death.  This was someone we intertwined with daily.  Others were important, but not a 24/7 relationship.  I can't count how many times I have bailed on a TV show or movie because it hit too close to home.  I do not watch the news for that reason.  There is nothing I can do and it is heartbreaking knowing others have started down this path.  I like your Eeyore quote.   It is most fitting.  I had no idea your loss was 5 years ago.  Thank you for sharing your experience and feelings.

[kayc]

Welcome to this site, November Blues.  I'm sorry you lost your husband too.   It's been ten years since I lost my husband and it was my experience that after about three years...that's what I had to live with.  I still think of and miss him every day, but I've gotten more used to being alone.  The difference between when I was newly grieving and now is that memories of him used to bring pain, now they bring a smile.  Grief never goes away, but it does evolve.

[Margm]

Kay, your experience does give us hope.  Memories bring pain right now.  Pictures hurt too.  I look forward to the time I can remember with a smile and see our pictures with a smile.  The pictures of him before I knew him, they make me smile, but recent ones make me cry.  I am so ready for it to evolve.  Just four weeks today though.

[kevin]

Gwen, I was in a different but similar predicament , my wife was suffering from dementia and had stroke complications. My concern was if anything happened to me, no one would give her the care she received from me.......I was watching both our blood pressures like a hawk, ate good foods, medications, doctor visits, and lived life in Harmony.........I was (still am) devastated how quickly she passed, but I am so grateful she doesn't have to go through this Grief process . This would have surely did her in or stroked her to invalid status......After a week or two, I realized it was best and actually gave thanks....Doesn't help me, but I believe it sure was the best result for my Wife........

[Guest]

 

I was watching the news and I am reminded again of how sensitive I am to the death of others (talk about pain never going away). 

 I can't count how many times I have bailed on a TV show or movie because it hit too close to home.  I do not watch the news for that reason.  There is nothing I can do and it is heartbreaking knowing others have started down this path.  

I almost feel like there is a conspiracy.  It seems as if every new book I pick up or new movie I chose to watch, it does not matter the genre, as soon as I become interested in the storyline; bam there is the death of a spouse and I am reduced to tears, unable to go on.  I don't watch news on t.v. but elect to get it online so that I can heavily filter content; mostly looking for happy stories.  

And yet I find myself much more willing to engage those who have lost spouses in conversation.  I hate to admit it , prior to losing Deedo, I was one who avoided people who had lost a spouse simply because I was terrified of saying something that would make their pain worse. Now I seek them out desperately hoping they can help me find my way through the agony.

I was really hoping that Deedo and I would have had a "Notebook" (the movie) ending but since that was not in the cards I take solace in the fact that she preceded me.  Deedo had a disease that significantly affected her sight and would have made independence, especially as she aged, pretty limited; she was a fiercely independent woman and it would have destroyed her to if she considered herself a burden to others.  I can learn to cook, she would have struggled having to drive distances.

“Some people care too much. I think it's called love.” Winnie the Pooh

Edited November 15, 2015 by Brad

[kayc]

Kevin and Brad,

I feel the same way, so glad that my George was spared this.  I would take anything if it meant him being spared.  I struggle through some of life (my truck won't start and I can't get a battery on the weekend here), sometimes feeling so helpless and alone, esp. since I don't drive at night and that limits me...I know George would have driven me and handled some of these things, and yet even so, I am so glad he doesn't have to go through loss and be alone, it would have been so hard on him....not that it's necessarily any easier on me, but still, I'd rather it be me than him.