Pain That Doesn't Go Away

[enna]

Pain That Doesn’t Go Away…

Some of us have been here for a while and others have just joined this group. I wish I could tell you that it will get better, but it doesn’t. What does happen is that we learn that there is a way to live with the pain. Spousal or partner loss is something that tears at your heart in such a way that nothing comforts. You think you understand how someone feels or how someone is doing, but you don’t. Each loss is unique. There are no words that comfort everyone. We are unique and our pain is also.

I have been doing this for almost forty-two months now and there are “triggers” that still bite me in the butt without warning. I turn a corner and ‘bam’, I’m blind-sided; me, who thinks I’ve done everything I could do to ‘heal’ myself! I’ve leaned into my grief, I’ve read about grief, I’ve allowed the pain, I’ve meditated, I’ve done rituals, I’ve shared my pain ~ the grief is still here. It is still very much here.

Something I did not think about is that the pain will always be here. How could it not be? How could things be “OKAY” – life will never be as it was ~ I will never be able to live the dreams we had for those dreams stopped the day he died. Our retirement was supposed to be filled with fun adventures. We were supposed to grow older together. Our retirement home was supposed to be enjoyed by both of us. I will need to find a new way.

I have to believe that it will happen. I cannot believe that how my life is right now is how it will always be. I have learned that ‘leaning into your pain’ helps in accepting the reality of how things really are. Nothing will take the place of my Jim, but now I have to believe that memories will help me. I know so many of us have good memories and those memories will surface in time. One day something will remind us of something that only we will understand. We will pause and perhaps even a smile will cross our face. Until then we have to believe that the one we love with all our heart wants us to live and be happy ~ even though the word ‘happy’ means something different for those of us who have lost such a significant person. 

Anne

[scba]

Thank you Anne for sharing your thoughts. I too wonder if grief will always be such a presence in my life. Today I have been reflecting on our dreams which are forever gone. We were supposed to get married this year. Perhaps that is the reason why I cannot see any picture of a future, even in the short term.

 

Edited November 9, 2015 by scba

[kayc]

Anne,

You are going through a lot and have been for some time and I think that exacerbates your pain.  When we go through a crisis, we need them, oh how badly we need them!  Trying to deal with it all, all by yourself, is way harder.  I remember one person who lost her husband right after I did and she got a huge life insurance payout and she told me I needed to go on a cruise, it'd make me feel better.  ???  She "moved on" rather quickly, didn't even seem to mourn.  Even if I'd wanted to, I couldn't have gone on a cruise (like that'd help!) because I lost my job and struggled financially...still am.  It brings home to me how different our worlds are!  Mine is one of struggle to survive and she seemed like life was just grand!  Maybe she was in avoidance, I don't know, she took up with someone at work a couple of months later and remarried.

All of us have different plates and your plate has been more than full.  Is it any wonder you feel as you do!

[KarenK]

Last week in my local grief healing group, one topic of the weekly video was to not let grief become your identity. I'm afraid that is what has happened to me. Because this is a faith based group, there are many of the lessons on these videos that are not part of my beliefs, but I certainly understand this one. I want to find a new identity, new friends, new living space, etc, but I am stuck. Like you Anne, I don't think this will ever go away.

Kay, I've never had a desire to go on a cruise, but would love to throw everything I care about into my truck with my dog and just drive North. Now if I could just get someone to pay all these damn bills.

[Wifflesnook]

I think that the depth of our grief may have much to do with many things, but I know that mine is very very much the same as Anne's. We had long happy marriages and we are now at an age when we have in some ways been moulded by those marriages in a very good way. This means that the person we are now is a blend of two people and struggling on alone when half of you is missing is so very very hard. I have much to be grateful for, and at the moment I am well. But the pain of loss after three years (actually three days ago it was four years since Pete had the stroke so I count it as four) is just as bad and the only thing which has changed is my ability to cope with it. That is no small thing. People around me have no idea how much pain I am in because I don't share it, even with my dear daughter. I wouldn't burden her. And I still feel that if I let out this grief it would overwhelm me. However I am reading Francis Weller's new book, The Wild Edge of Sorrow, which I hope may help me to deal with the grief more easily. I hope. My bookshelf is packed with books about grief but I can't say they often help. It's a lonely struggle but this forum has helped me enormously because talking to other widows and widowers does help me. I've a friend, a new widow, and she is dealing with this on the surface, very differently, throwing herself into activities that she didn't or couldn't do when her husband was alive. But she tells me how she talks to him all the time, and cries alone so I think she is really in a similar place to me. We talk about it a bit but not much. Basically with our grief it is just ourselves in our head and heart but talking and writing about it does help. As does keeping busy. My heart lifts when I have projects to do. I don't want to make new grievers feel bad but what helps me is telling it as it is so I hope that we aren't making you feel worse. Be aware that we understand. We know. We struggle with the loss. And we survive. Jan

[KATPILOT]

Yes Anne, happy now is different. It is tempered by loss and it will never be the same "happy" that we knew when we were "two".  I just counted and I find that I am 57 months into this journey. I forget sometimes how long it's been for this new reality is slowly becoming reality!  Yes the landmines I continue to strike walking through this life hurt but yet I wouldn't wish them away for anything. I just can't un-love her. So some sweet moments happen that bring a smile to my face too.

Yes the pain never truly goes away and the dreams we had?  Oh yeah I feel sad about those too. But! One thing I am doing and thank God I still can, is to do some of those things by myself hoping and I think sometimes it's true, that she goes with me.  Often when I am out to dinner alone and I sip a glass of wine, I wonder if she can taste it.  Perhaps I have just become a mad 67 year old man sitting alone in a restaurant  who found a way to escape the horrific pain. Or perhaps, she really does travel with me and does get to see the world through my eyes. One day I will find out the truth.

One more thing I want to ad. I make as point of trying to do things that Kathy enjoyed, did, and saw before we met.  I find joy in learning more about the woman I love when I see places she had been and discover what helped make her who she was. It's like being on a treasure hunt. Those can be triggers too but I walk away feeling better not worse. When I was in Hawaii last September for my anniversary I think I had tears in my eyes half the time. The important thing is that I had a smile on my lips quite a bit too. I can't have happy without the sad. That just is the way it is but I  refuse to let the sad keep me from ever smiling.

I have used this quote before and it speaks to all of us. "Life is difficult. Once we accept this fact, we can go on with our lives"   "The Road Less Traveled" by  M. Scott Peck.   Being widowed if you are truly and deeply in love is the most difficult "Life" of all and why it is so very, very, hard to go on with our lives. We honor them by trying.

[Margm]

My mother told me fairy tales, read me fairy tales, and I had such a vivid imagination that I could imagine all kinds of things.  Nothing horrible, nothing but wonderful things, except at night.  If you Google it, you can read about "I want my toe."  There was also "raw hide and bloody bones." After dark, my imagination had things living under my bed (sorta like a movie for kids with Howie Mandel I saw once).  Now that I am an old woman, I have so many dust bunnies they are large enough to give names to, and they all live under my bed.  I don't know where I wrote this, maybe on here, if so I am repeating myself.  I write on Facebook too, so I am sorry if I repeat the story again to you.  The other night I was reading on here, either this forum or a news forum.  Maybe Facebook.  I heard a distinct noise in the garage.  Very loud.  The garage was locked.  In my childhood days my "mighty protector" was my dad who comically would take up the shotgun and run around outside the house in his boxer shorts he slept in.  Did not matter, winter, summer, rain or whatever.  Then, he would come in and go to bed.  I was protected.  Now to my "mighty protector #2."  The first time I woke up and told Billy I heard something he said "well, go see what it is."  Now, #1 and #2 is gone.  So, I woke my son up.  "Mighty protector #3" took our BB gun and opened the garage door from the wash room.  There was a big possum running around.  We could not get it out, it hid behind boxes.  When I am out of this big house, when I am in my small apartment I am hoping for" I will have to be my own mighty protector.  No guns, I shake so bad I would hurt myself.  But the point of all this is........I am a coward.  My imagination gets the best of me a lot of times.  I used to have dreams of vampires, werewolves, witches and all sorts of things when I first married.  Poor Billy.  I was such a kid.  But one time my vivid imagination was joined in by his own sleepy version and he jumped out of bed to get a weapon, hammer or something.  I woke up at about the same time he did and he sheepishly came back to bed.  I never had a terrible dream like that again, I was  cured of things sitting on the foot of my bed that were going to hurt me.  The point is, my vivid imagination at night will have to disappear, or I will.  

Have business in the "big city" today.  Going to talk to Billy's hats I keep on the passenger side.  My hope is for a better day for us all.  I so hope and pray for better days.  

[enna]

 

For most of us who come here, we realize that our grief takes many twists and turns. What we are all trying to do is DO THE BEST WE CAN. We learn from one another. We learn to carry our grief by carrying our spouses with us. Whether it be going on a road trip or starting a new hobby or volunteering for something that means something to us or finding “tools for healing” to help us on this new path as long as we are moving. I am in awe at how each one of us finds just the right way to “survive” our lives as they are now.

There is a short video about grief on “Tools for Healing” that I found to be excellent and it is worth a watch. Here is the link if I can do it right: http://chrisguillebeau.com/megan-devine/?post_id=487295244765677_487295238099011#_=_  

 

 

[Kpl48]

Even though I'm building a new life as my husband wanted me to do, I feel as if I am just surviving each pain filled day. I want to do things around my house. I'm doing stuff little by little. I've done my laundry and written my rent check...that's taken me three days to do! I stayed home Thursday, Friday, and Sunday. I rested and slept. I'm so exhausted from my year of grief. Sleep stops me from thinking about the loss of my husband. I haven't been able to nap or sleep during the day until the past few days. When I would wake up, I would cry. 

My grief is always with me. It recedes when I'm with people or engaged in doing things. When I'm alone at home or I my car, it's right up front. I push through each day. My therapist and friends tell me I'm doing a lot. I feel I'm doing just enough to keep my life going. Sometimes my reason for living is to take care of my little dog. He's always by my side and we love each other very much. He's a high energy Jack Russel Terrier with lots of quirks! I'm not sure if he'd get adopted if something happened to me. 

Mom trying to live a new life as my husband wanted me to do. Most days I feel as if I'm just living, but people close to me tell me I'm building a good new life. I guess what I want is for the pain to go away. This pain keeps me from doing more things. I think about my husband and how much I miss him. I feel so sad and I cry a lot. I know many of us are in this state. We share about our deep grief. This helps me to know these feelings are real and that I'm not crazy. Please everyone, keep writing!

[enna]

So many of us have experienced the aloneness that we talk about. It is so hard for any of us during this time. Whether it be in the mornings or evenings or weekends the pain of being alone is real. I could be in a crowded room and still be alone. Others could have children running around or others in the home and be alone. Alone is the absence of our spouses and only those who have lost a partner or spouse will understand what this kind of aloneness means.

When I read through some of the posts of those who are new to our group I find myself repeatedly saying to myself oh, yes, that is right, me too…

What I have found that helps is to learn what grief is, read about it, talk with others about it, share our stories, accept that most everything you are experiencing is normal. We are not ill nor do we have a disease. We are grieving. You will think something has happened to you because your memory is not as sharp as it used to be. It will come back. Listen to your body. If you need to sleep ~ sleep. If you need to cancel things because you just don’t feel like doing anything ~ do it. I have a sign on my bathroom mirror that says: whatever you feel like doing today let it be enough. I know some have schedules to keep because you are working, but if you don’t live up to your expectations on a given day ~ let it be enough. It is important that we take care of ourselves. Do something special for you. Pamper yourself.

I came across this poem today that spoke to me and I share it with you. 

Jennifer Welwood is the author and it is titled: Unconditional.

 http://www.gratefulness.org/resource/unconditional/

 

[Margm]

Thanks Enna.  This explains so much.  Sometimes I feel like I am going through some other world and there are people all around me but they cannot see me.  At the same time, I have got to say this, I have so many sister widows who have shown me the empathy I had to have, have given me the advice I did not even have to ask for and have let me know that this is a process, not a timed process, a whole body process that I will have to go through, the pain, the suffering, the crying.  I am so fortunate for my family and support sisters and one lives right next door to me.  They are all Christian women whose main desire is to help me live through this fog in my mind, body, spirit, and physical surroundings.  We all need this.  Thank you so much for explaining that we are not mentally ill, not really physically sick, but are really trodding through a time warp that hopefully we can eventually see sunlight at the start of each day.  So many on here understand.

[Gwenivere]

People around me think I am doing well, also.  They have no idea the energy it takes to get thru a day.  They don't see what hell the nights and any time I alone in our home.  After another cry in the shower last night, the feeling was different.  It could be called selfish, but I don't care as I have learned there are so many phases we experience in this life altering situation.  While I witnessed the suffering Steve went thru for years fighting the cancer, the barbaric treatments medicine had to offer and I didn't suffer physically, all I could think of was why couldn't I have been the one to die?  I travelled that road with him and felt the pain and frustration with him.  I think of the strong people we were thru those years, but think he would have done this alone thing better, tho when we discussed it he said he wouldn't.  He had so many friends and interests that might have sustained him better as the survivor.  He created music and was there to ease his friends about his eventual departure.  I look at what my life is without him and feel I offer the world nothing.  So much of my life was taking care of our home so that we could have time together to enjoy.  Now I do that, but there is no true pleasure in it.  We all know that life is forever changed, no matter how much time passes.

i just read Enna's post as I was writing this.  Expectations. Yes, I am victim to those as I was so alive once upon a time.  I let myself fall into those traps still.  Doing things I sometimes have to push myself to do in hopes I will feel SOMETHING besides pain.  They may distract, but it is always waiting for me.  I do now make better decisions at times about what I want to do as opposed to hat I should do, but I hate surrendering to that of motivation.  I think if I do I will be swallowed into a darkness I may never come back from.  

So for now, I do wish it had been me.  Not that I would want Steve to feel this horrible pain, but because for so long it is wearing me down.  To be free of it sounds like a siren song calling.  I want to live, not just exist and that is what it feels like.  Today is his birthday and I thought I would do something more than light the candle I have every night since he died.  But I realized that there is nothing I can do that will not intensify the pain so I'll just let the day be what it is.  Tend to the dogs and get thru like every other day and....that is OK.  Part of this is giving ourselves permission to do what we, not others, expect as they don't know the depth of sorrow we carry daily.  Even my brother in law said he removed Steve's name from today as he didn't need a reminder of the loss.  That helped me to hear after some emails I got from well meaning people telling me how they would be toasting Steve today.  More power to them.  

 

[Froggie4635]

It  always seems when I step back to this website, what I am feeling or dealing with seems to be the topic.  I am trying to wrap my mind around everyone's statements and how they fall in line with mine.  Anne, I like your quote.  I struggle with giving myself permission to let it be enough. I keep running this list through my head of things that I should be doing, but grief just says, "not today".  People like to give me positive encouragement, telling me how good I am doing and that they see glimpses of the old me.  I think just because they don't see me breaking down all the time, that I no longer am experiencing the same level of pain as when Mark first died.  I don't cry as much as I did; but it is because I am adapting.  My emotions are still so very close to the surface, and they come out sometimes in not good ways.  I am so frustrated with my lack of focus and ability to concentrate.  When I am pushed beyond my comfort level, am pulled off task to help or correct the problems of someone else, I get highly irritated.  I read anything I can on grief.  I look at people's different viewpoints, and sometimes I say to myself, "why can't you look at it like that, or accept that way of thinking".  I know I have to find my own way, but sometimes another perspective can open my eyes.  As deep as my grief is, deep inside, I still feel a restlessness, something that pushes me a little (creatively).  I had to move where my cubicle at work was, so I took that as a time to go through all the stuff I had in it previously, sort through it and remove what no longer suited me.  Now everything around me has great significance, and helps me to feel Mark's presence and brings me as much comfort as I allow for myself.  He adored my creative side, and always made a point to tell me that. 

Pretty soon, I will be facing probably the toughest time since he died.  Thanksgiving, his birthday and the date of his death all within one week. I am not sure what it will bring me, but whatever that is, I will allow myself to feel whatever I need to.  I took time off work starting with Thanksgiving, through the entire week after.  I made an appointment with a therapist before, so I can have a professional touchstone, and to reinforce that what I am going through is perfectly normal.  I have so many other thoughts about all the things you all posted.  I thank you for your words. 

[enna]

I seem to be passing out hugs and sunshine today. Here's one for you, Maryann. Our emotions are all over the place. Look what we have gone through. I was in a fog for two years when I lost my Jim ~ some would say I'm still in a fog.  We have every right to feel exactly as we feel. We can give ourselves permission to sulk, to be sad or glad, to forget things, to cancel appointments, to take a day off (or two or three), to eat chocolate, and to stay in our PJs whenever we want to. We are grieving. There is no time limit. 

I so agree with you, Maryann, that there are days that I come here and find just what I need to help me through hard times. You have some hard times ahead of you. My December is like that for me ~ My B/Day, our wedding anniversary, and holidays. Each year it is a little better. Each year I find something special to do. Each year I try to be brave and if I'm not that's okay. Take only one special day at a time that way it isn't so over-whelming.

 

[Gwenivere]

Froggie,  you said so many true things.  People do think we are doing better because we appear less emotional.  But they don't know what is always just below the surface.  I find that out often when sometimes the smallest thing makes me crumble.  Yet something huge I may handle well.  There just is no rhyme or reason when the emotions slip out.  I'll do something creative or just a chore that needs to done and look at it later and wonder how I did it.  I've felt the times I just want to go to sleep for the day, but I can't.  I guess that is good.  I don't like any more change in my upended life and that would intensify it.  We all do things differently which I learn every time I read the struggles if so many here.  Comfort level is a good way to put it.  That drastically changes.  

I really feel for you having to face 3 dates in a week about your loss.  That is such a triple whammy.  So unfair to be hit by so much all at once.  I just had the 1st anniversary and his birthday but they were 2 weeks apart.  Thanksgiving is my bday week and I know I will miss him then as well as our little dinner that was his favorite holiday.  I wish I had some remarkable thing to say beyond I wish you the strength to do what you need to go thru that week.

[scba]

One issue I am dealing with is not being able to make a choice. Or I don't care about picking up A or B or I can't make up my mind. Today I've spent the whole day trying to decide which bus I should book and I had to ask my brother to help me to sort it out. I have never been so dependent and so lost. The only voice that echoes in my head and in my space is mine. Where is his voice?

 

[Gwenivere]

I don't know what is worse.  The times I cannot hear him it the times I can, but he isn't physically here.  They both hurt so much.

[KATPILOT]

When they are no longer physically here, it going to hurt for all of time. It will soften as the months and years go by but there will always be pain. The spiritual part I think is another story. From the beginning, I knew when Kathy was with me just as much as I knew when she was somewhere else. I truly expected her to be one day gone forever but she still comes back sometimes many months apart. I came over the years to understand it and it only brings me a warm happy feeling now when she is here. It's not the same as when she was actually physically here where I could touch her but it is wonderful just the same.  None of us are the same on our journey but one constant is time. Time changes things. It always has and always will.

[Margm]

That was beautiful.  I have briefly seen Billy twice.  Just as I was waking up, like in a dream.  It has been less than a month and I would just live for the times to briefly see him again.  Until then, I will just live, possibly just exist, and maybe one day be alive again. One thing that is positive, the sun is out today.

[hollowheart]

I hope I'm not intruding on this thread a I have not lost a spouse but in reading everything everyone is saying it resonates with me in my loss exactly. What I hate the most is that nothing in my life will be the same again. Nothing. There will always be that cloud of grief, loss and loneliness over my head. People like to say that you are looking like "your old self" because they are eager for you get back that way to make them comfortable. They don't want your change to upset their life as they know.

I feel like a tiny bit I'm encountering that some people want you to grieve the way they do/did, like they may say in not certain words "when my (whoever) died I had to be back in the saddle in a week" which makes you feel like you still being sad 9 months or 2 years  later is going overboard. I definitely feel like I"m just surviving. It's an awful feeling.

[MartyT]

Grief is as individual as your fingerprint, my friend, and no two people grieve alike. There are many similarities, which help to normalize whatever you may be thinking and feeling, but your grief experience is and always will be your own. If you are listening to someone who leads you to feel that you're not doing your grief "right," it's time to stop listening to that person. Remember, too, that no one can "make" you feel any particular way. As Eleanor Roosevelt famously said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

[kevin]

Decided to be logical on how Grief is effecting us...I take the Stephen Covey type model. As we are all different, the Grief addition will imbalance "wheel".......as our wheel is out of balance, we can expect silly things happen, .......Symptoms of this "wobbly Wheel" are people finding too much religion, drinking too much, reclusive, uncontrollable emotions etc.........until we accept Grief is here to stay, and is part of our wheel, we will never be back to (new normal) balance.........Hope this makes a little sense, I still have a wobbly wheel, but am trying to make sense of it......

[KATPILOT]

Yes hollowheart, no one grieves the same and I am reminded of this saying which those of us here get. It speaks volumes.

[Margm]

Agree with it all.  Two wobbly wheels here with a flip-floppy heart and brain, and water works that seem to happen and run down my face at the least little thing.

[hollowheart]

KATPILOT,

When the support goes away that is really a dire time. I've read a lot about "overcoming grief" and every time I read that it depends on 'who passed, and how close to you they were and your relationships, etc." and that will reflect how hard or easy it is for you to move forward. I get a lump in my stomach and feel even more depressed as my sis was a HUGE, BIG, HUGE part of my day-to-day. We even texted during work hours, so it's like I were in contact pretty much all day everyday. I'm like 'what does this mean for me?' I will never figure out how to live with this heartache and absence.

I can not completely blame my friends for how they act, as I know I have been there for my friends who have lost loved ones but obviously it didn't effect my life like it did theirs. I wish this was a death I could just mourn and move on, but I can't. Such a key essential person in my life, just gone. I will never be the same. I don't think I will every really be able to hang out with my friends the same either, as I have a couple close ones and we liked to laugh and gripe over petty dumb life and work stuff. Now, I don't care. And they never contact me to say 'how's it going?' It's just to tell me about that kind of stuff that I USED to laugh over and care about. I'm just sad all the time now.