Guilt

[Constance]

My dog Samson was a healthy happy friendly wonderful dog.  I loved him tremendously.  Since April 2015 he had a nasal congestion and reverse sneezing problem.  Our vet tried for months to clear up his nasal condition with different medications none of which did very much.  He felt Samson should go to a specialist for a rhinoscopy to see if he had polyps or something else in his nose.  On October 21, 2015 I took him to the specialist in Largo Florida and what should have been a routine nasal scope with some anesthesia turned out to be something that killed Samson.  The specialist made one mistake after the other and I lost my wonderful Sam.  I wish I never took him for the test because now I don't have him anymore.  How do I deal with this guilt? I wanted to get him some help and he died.  I'm so sick over this.

[kayc]

Oh my dear, I am so sorry for your experience and for your loss of Samson.  You ask how to get rid of the guilt, there are many links on guilt on this site, I'll see if Marty can link them here.  It's common to feel guilt after loss, even though we did everything we knew to do and never would have done anything to harm our loved one.  Telling you that you have nothing to feel guilty about won't change how you feel, I'm afraid, but you can at least reassure yourself that you took the best care you knew to of Sam, and he knew how much you loved him.

[kayc]

I've found these two links:
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html

[hollowheart]

Oh Constance, I'm so, so sorry about Samson. I know how pets are family. The specialist should feel guilty, not you. Did they actually acknowledge mistakes? because that's pretty serious. But as for dealing with your grief and guilt right now, know that you didn't know what would happen. You were a good fur mom and did what you thought was right, you were trying to help his nasal problems. Leaving him to suffer the sneezing and congestion issues would have been worse than trying to get him help.

I know it is not easy to alleviate guilt, I'm suffering guilt big time myself and everything I'm telling you people tell me and I still don't believe it, so I'm not actually practicing what I'm preaching, but I'm trying and trying to help others. You trusted the vet to help him, and that is what you would have done anyway, so you did not intentionally put him in harms way.

[MartyT]

Constance, my dear, your story reminds me so much of what I went through with my own Beringer, and I'm so sorry this has happened to you and your beloved Samson. Like your dog, my Beringer suffered with those same symptoms of nasal congestion and reverse sneezing. It went on for some time, and finally a rhinoscopy was suggested as the only way to find out what was going on inside his head. Because of his age, we decided not to proceed with any diagnostic testing. Eventually the day came when whatever was causing his symptoms resulted in a bloody nose that we could not stop, and of course it happened late at night, when our vet's office was closed. Beringer kept sneezing and shaking his head, and the blood flew everywhere ~ on the floor, on the walls, the cabinets. It was horrible ~ an experience and a scene that I will never forget. (You can read more details about what happened in the message I posted at the time, here: http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/index.php?/topic/6758-saying-goodbye-to-beringer/&do=findComment&comment=54791 ) 

I think that, when you are faced with a decision like this, you make the best decision you can at the time, given what you know at the time. Clearly you had the best intentions and you did what you thought was best for Samson. I share my story with you simply to point out that, even if you hadn't proceeded with the rhinoscopy, at some point whatever was causing his symptoms could have turned into something far worse for all of you. Perhaps it would help (if and when you feel ready) to make an appointment with the specialist to go over exactly what happened and what could have or should have been done differently. If you truly believe that the vet was negligent, you might want to report this case to your state's veterinary board.

Whatever you decide to do, I understand that you are still left with a load of guilt, which to me is a sign of how devoted you are to the animals in your care. I hope you will read the articles Kay has found for you (thank you, Kay). I also encourage you to listen to this interview, during which we talk about the guilt that so often accompanies a loss like yours: http://www.selfhealingexpressions.com/audio/tracyann_excerpt.mp3

[Rhapsedy]

Hi Constance... I'm so sorry that you are going through this. In 2009 I lost my soul dog. The vet suspected that he had Lymphoma but the only way to make sure was to put him under to test him and I didn't want to put him through that because he hated being at the vet and I didn't want to chance putting him under because he was 14.  So, I opted to give prednisone and keep him comfortable. He lasted about 6 months, one day I came home and found him laying in a pool of his own urine and he looked miserable, I decided to put him to sleep the next day, I had been contemplating it for awhile and felt that it was time.

After he was put to sleep my heart was beyond broken and the guilt I felt was overwhelming. I felt guilt for not getting him tested for Lymphoma because the prednisone had side effects and what if he truly didn't have Lymphoma. I felt guilt for putting him to sleep because before I had him put to sleep I gave him a sedative and when the vet came to my home to put him to sleep and he jumped up and greeted her like he was cured, why didn't I stop her???

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if I decided to go through with the procedure to test him for Lymphoma and he died I would have felt tremendous guilt over that and questioned my decision.  Instead I felt tremendous guilt because I decided not get him tested. I feel that our babies are going to go at the time they were meant to go, He would have probably died if I had him tested, I truly believe that it was his time and for some reason I was meant to go thru the pain of losing him and the pain of the guilt.

Unfortunately, you will need to go thru the pain and guilt, don't try to fight it, cry, scream, punch a pillow, whatever you need to do to make it through the pain.

And remember, pain demands to be felt, trying to avoid it will just cause more issues in the future.

I pray that you will get over the guilt soon and remember the good times.

Take care, Rhapsedy

 

[Constance]

Thank you for sharing your story with me.  My heart breaks for you.  I have had two other dogs and when my vet would say there's no quality of life left I would let him Euthanized.  Broke my heart both times.  However, Samson was strong and healthy and playful all the time.  All he had was congestion.  My niece who is a vet called Dr. Weaver at Tampa Bay Veterinary Specialist (she killed Samson by one mistake after the other) and asked why Dr. Weaver didn't offer me alternatives since she believed it was just allergies.  She should not have done the rhinoscopy first.  I'm in agony.  I start grief counseling on Dec. 1st because I can't eat or sleep and I can't stop crying.  Wish I never took Sam for the procedure.  I do know that I gave him a wonderful life.  My husband and I loved him tremendously.  I'm sure your dog had a wonderful life with you as well.  There are so many animals today that are being abused and it's just sick.  Just remember his unconditional love and your love for him.  God Bless you.  I pray we will see our fur babies again one day.

[MartyT]

Constance, my dear, I hope the next time you visit us, you'll make sure to scroll up to see all the posts in response to your first one. I'm not sure you've done that yet . . .

[Constance]

Thank you.  You are correct I didn't realize I could do that.  I do have in my e-mails all those response and I'm reading them and answering them one at a time.  It breaks my heart at how we as owners of fur babies,  how we make them members of our family and try to do all the best for them can suffer such pain and in my Sam's case a tragedy at the hands of a vet who made one mistake after the other.  I am going to start grief counseling on Monday because each day I feel physically ill and mentally distraught.  If it wasn't for the help of my niece Dr. Christina Nutter I'm not sure I could have gotten through any of this.  Thank you.

 

Constance Lupo

[MartyT]

Your niece is an angel, Constance, and you are fortunate to have her as a resource. You are in my thoughts and prayers . . .

[hiena]

On 2015-11-25, 9:36:22, Rhapsedy said:

Hi Constance... I'm so sorry that you are going through this. In 2009 I lost my soul dog. The vet suspected that he had Lymphoma but the only way to make sure was to put him under to test him and I didn't want to put him through that because he hated being at the vet and I didn't want to chance putting him under because he was 14.  So, I opted to give prednisone and keep him comfortable. He lasted about 6 months, one day I came home and found him laying in a pool of his own urine and he looked miserable, I decided to put him to sleep the next day, I had been contemplating it for awhile and felt that it was time.

After he was put to sleep my heart was beyond broken and the guilt I felt was overwhelming. I felt guilt for not getting him tested for Lymphoma because the prednisone had side effects and what if he truly didn't have Lymphoma. I felt guilt for putting him to sleep because before I had him put to sleep I gave him a sedative and when the vet came to my home to put him to sleep and he jumped up and greeted her like he was cured, why didn't I stop her???

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if I decided to go through with the procedure to test him for Lymphoma and he died I would have felt tremendous guilt over that and questioned my decision.  Instead I felt tremendous guilt because I decided not get him tested. I feel that our babies are going to go at the time they were meant to go, He would have probably died if I had him tested, I truly believe that it was his time and for some reason I was meant to go thru the pain of losing him and the pain of the guilt.

Unfortunately, you will need to go thru the pain and guilt, don't try to fight it, cry, scream, punch a pillow, whatever you need to do to make it through the pain.

And remember, pain demands to be felt, trying to avoid it will just cause more issues in the future.

I pray that you will get over the guilt soon and remember the good times.

Take care, Rhapsedy

 

My soul dog, that is a good description.  My dog and I mutually enjoyed each other's company so much.  I live alone without children.  I had lots of time to socialize with my dog and she was a huge part of my daily responsibilities, motivations and routines.  My dog was on prednisone for around two months.  I feel tremendous guilt myself.  My dog was 14 1/2.  I just feel awful because she was such a special friend and she trusted me so much.  I would have liked the vet to have taken over and told me that it had to be done, but the vet was focussed on money and didn't want to take responsibility for the decision.  I wasn't qualified to make that decision.  I feel like it was close to the right time, but I feel so burdened by the decision.  She was a very good dog.  I called her my special, my angel dog, my little girl.  I am still grieving very deeply for about a month.  Part of the difficulty of grieving is that she used to be my friend to hug when I was sad and I have to grieve alone. 

I hope to get over the guilt and remember the good times as you wrote.

It is painful to miss her personality. 

I look forward to the next dog that needs a home.  When I'm ready, I will help a future dog.  It won't be my sweet, specific dog - so I'm not ready yet.

[Constance]

I'm so sorry for your loss.  I never realized how many people feel about their fur babies as I felt about mine.  Yes, Sam was my life line.  I'm very unhappy in my life for reasons I won't go into but my daily joy and happiness came from Sam.  I'm trying to thank God for at least giving me 3  1/2 years with him.  It wasn't long enough.  Someone gave him up when he was 10 years old.  They bought him at a breeder in 2002 had him for 10 years then just dropped him off at the Humane Society with the request he go to a foster home.  How horrible for Sam.  He was dropped off in January 2012 we adopted him March 2012.   He came into our house and made himself at home and we just fell in love with him.  It is like he knew he got a new forever home.   Why God chose to take him during this rhinoscopy I will never understand till the day I die and if there really is a God I will ask him why.

 

 

[kayc]

You speak without telling us what happened...you say she was on Prednisone, you say the vet didn't want to be responsible...for the decision to end her suffering?  You speak in past tense and say you are grieving, so I'm assuming she died.  Of natural consequences?

I am sorry for your loss.  Losing a dog is a huge loss!  They were our constant companions, our best friends, and like you said, our motivation.  You say you're not ready for another dog yet, and that is understandable, because you still have grieving to do.  Don't be afraid to cry, to mourn the loss of your dog.  Have you done something in her memory?  Sometimes it really helps to do something to honor them.  Did you bury her, have her cremated?  Have you erected a stone or put up a "memorial" in your house, maybe a corner with pictures of her, her collar, her favorite toy, some art work with her favorite words or favorite things depicted.  You decide what is the best way to honor her.  Some people plant a rose bush or something in their memory, or buy a bench for the back yard to remember them with.  Maybe brainstorm and think of the way that will be meaningful to you.

What is her name?  Can you share a picture of her with us?  When you are ready, maybe you can share some memories of her, like what was her favorite day of her life, what did she like to do?

It helps to express yourself and give voice to her.  Tell her how you feel about her, how much she meant to you.  I'm of the belief that we will be reunited with them someday and I look forward to that!

[hiena]

2 hours ago, Constance said:

I'm so sorry for your loss.  I never realized how many people feel about their fur babies as I felt about mine.  Yes, Sam was my life line.  I'm very unhappy in my life for reasons I won't go into but my daily joy and happiness came from Sam.  I'm trying to thank God for at least giving me 3  1/2 years with him.  It wasn't long enough.  Someone gave him up when he was 10 years old.  They bought him at a breeder in 2002 had him for 10 years then just dropped him off at the Humane Society with the request he go to a foster home.  How horrible for Sam.  He was dropped off in January 2012 we adopted him March 2012.   He came into our house and made himself at home and we just fell in love with him.  It is like he knew he got a new forever home.   Why God chose to take him during this rhinoscopy I will never understand till the day I die and if there really is a God I will ask him why.

 

 

My dog was the happiest part of my life.  My best friend.  As a single person, my dog outlasted imperfect relationships and helped me through grieving (I won't describe).  My dog was my warm friend to cuddle with at night, and I loved hugging her and walking her.  I miss my walking coach - it had become difficult to walk her in the last while - but it was fun to walk her for all the years that she loved to walk at all hours.

Your dog's story is sad.  I'm glad that he had a loving home as a senior dog. 

[Constance]

1. We had Samson cremated on his urn is on my bedroom dresser along with his photo.  I also have my other two dog urns and photos there too.  He was the best dog ever and did not deserve to die the way he did.  Dr. Weaver at Tampa Bay Veterinary Specialist here in Largo Florida made one mistake after the other and I watch my sweet boy die.  There was no saving him.  I'm crushed and sometimes wish I wouldn't wake up in the morning just so I can join him.

[hiena]

I have felt suicidal also.  You're not alone in that.  Fleeting feelings, overall I have grieved before and it will pass - but guilt, mourning, miss her.

Yesterday I thought that it would be a good idea to not allow myself to think those things.  It would be good to switch my mind to remembering that she was safe, protected and loved during her life.  I saw how dumb people are with animals - my dog had a very good, loving home.  She ate well.  People said she is a happy dog.  She was a happy dog. 

[kayc]

I am so sorry, I know it hurts.  Have you reported him to the vet. board or on yelp?  I would start by talking to him about your concerns, see what he says.

I'm glad you have a place in your home where he is memorialized.  When my husband died, the bedroom looked like a shrine, all the stuff I put out for him.  I had a collage of photos it took me over 17 hours to make.

Wanting to join him is not the same thing as suicidal, where you actually contemplate doing yourself in.  It's normal to want to join him and look forward to the day you do.  A lot of times we feel we don't want to live but when you examine your feelings further, it's not that you want to die, it's that you don't want to go through the grief you feel if you live and you don't know how or are afraid you can't live without the other person or dog.  I felt that way, but one day at a time you learn how to go on and learn to recognize things that are good in your life, not just the loss.  It takes time and lots of effort to make it through this and it can feel overwhelming at first.  That's why I usually tell people to not think about the rest of your life, just focus on getting through today, it is enough.

I know you miss him terribly and the pain from that feels unbearable.  

[kayc]

Hiena,

I am sorry for your loss too.  I hope you'll start a thread so people can respond to you on it.  I'd like to see a picture of your dog and have you tell a little about her.

[hiena]

On 2015-11-28, 6:39:18, kayc said:

You speak without telling us what happened...you say she was on Prednisone, you say the vet didn't want to be responsible...for the decision to end her suffering?  You speak in past tense and say you are grieving, so I'm assuming she died.  Of natural consequences?

I am sorry for your loss.  Losing a dog is a huge loss!  They were our constant companions, our best friends, and like you said, our motivation.  You say you're not ready for another dog yet, and that is understandable, because you still have grieving to do.  Don't be afraid to cry, to mourn the loss of your dog.  Have you done something in her memory?  Sometimes it really helps to do something to honor them.  Did you bury her, have her cremated?  Have you erected a stone or put up a "memorial" in your house, maybe a corner with pictures of her, her collar, her favorite toy, some art work with her favorite words or favorite things depicted.  You decide what is the best way to honor her.  Some people plant a rose bush or something in their memory, or buy a bench for the back yard to remember them with.  Maybe brainstorm and think of the way that will be meaningful to you.

What is her name?  Can you share a picture of her with us?  When you are ready, maybe you can share some memories of her, like what was her favorite day of her life, what did she like to do?

It helps to express yourself and give voice to her.  Tell her how you feel about her, how much she meant to you.  I'm of the belief that we will be reunited with them someday and I look forward to that!

She is memorialized.  The practice of doing that was tramautic.  She was gone on Nov. 11th, a few weeks ago.  I am racked with guilt because it was me that made the decision.  A friend of my dogs (my dog was so special that she had other people that loved her) told me that he had his dogs die without euthanasia - regardless of if they experienced pain.  Another friend of my dog was telling me that I should have let her go a few months earlier - that he was upset at her condition.  It was so hard - I had these people pressuring me on top of her needing hospice care.  I loved her.  Even when she was gone I loved what was left of her - just saw it and felt that she's so sweet.  She was a very sweet dog. 

[hiena]

2 minutes ago, kayc said:

Hiena,

I am sorry for your loss too.  I hope you'll start a thread so people can respond to you on it.  I'd like to see a picture of your dog and have you tell a little about her.

The reason I don't start a thread, at this time, is it's too painful for me to be detailed.  I might have more distance later. 

[kayc]

Maybe just a simple thread then, putting what you have here...just a place of your own for others to respond to?  I think people get that it's hard to talk about right now.  (((hugs)))

[Constance]

Thanks for the hugs.  Starting Grief Counseling on Tuesday.  It's been over a month and the pain is unreal. 

[Constance]

Not sure what a thread is but I'll try to post Samson's photo.

[Constance]

Here is my wonderful Samson who was killed by an incompetent veterinary specialist at Tampa Bay Veterinary Specialists in Largo Florida.  It was a test not an operation and he should have come out of it without any problem.  We believe she over sedated him and one thing led to the other and he died.  I have the State of Florida Board investigating her.