Kpl48 Posted December 21, 2015 Report Share Posted December 21, 2015 I actually was feeling better for a few days. I realize now it was because I was busy, out of the house and with friends. Today I'm home all day. I'm tired and I need to tidy up my house and do laundry. Also take my dog to the dog park. But all I can do is stay in bed with my dog and the tv on...missing Andre. My heart aches for him. I want to go back to when he was alive or forward to when I die and I can be with him. I'm frozen in despair today. Some how I'm getting through this grief. It's harder some days. Today it's hard. I just reread many of your shares...I'm not alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 21, 2015 Report Share Posted December 21, 2015 So sorry it is such a struggle. You're right - you're not alone. Hoping you find some peace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted December 21, 2015 Report Share Posted December 21, 2015 You are not alone....we all understand. I'm missing my boyfriend too. I sobbed in the morning, I asked him to come back, I asked him not to forget me ever. I thought that I don't want to grew old without him. I'm very sad lately because whatever is going on in my life, it is not enough, it feels like it is "covering" my loss, and I would gladly trade all of it to have my boyfriend back. Will something matter very much again in our lives, apart from family and friends? I mean, every day stuff, including work, travelling and hobbies. I still cannot believe this is the outcome of our love. I believed thay my love would save his life. Fool of me. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted December 21, 2015 Report Share Posted December 21, 2015 KpI48, You feel as I do, as we all do. I wish I could rewind back to about 4 months to when my sister was here and I know what I know now. It feels so awful having gone this long not talking to her, hearing her laugh, having her making me laugh. Just having her company. My heart aches too. When we're busy it does occupy our minds for those moments, but who wants to stay busy all day, every second? I find myself getting tired of looking for something to do and that makes me even more frustrated and angry. That I can't just sit in peace and talk to her and relax. I have to continuously keep looking for something to do or "those thoughts" will creep in. That makes this even worse to deal with. I hate this so much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted December 22, 2015 Report Share Posted December 22, 2015 4 hours ago, Kpl48 said: I actually was feeling better for a few days. I realize now it was because I was busy, out of the house and with friends. Today I'm home all day. I'm tired and I need to tidy up my house and do laundry. Also take my dog to the dog park. But all I can do is stay in bed with my dog and the tv on...missing Andre. My heart aches for him. I want to go back to when he was alive or forward to when I die and I can be with him. I'm frozen in despair today. Some how I'm getting through this grief. It's harder some days. Today it's hard. I just reread many of your shares...I'm not alone. I'm still on the emotional rollercoaster myself.....had a few days when I felt ok....not good, but "ok". Then last night it just hit me, hard.....no warning....intense grief, longing for my Connor, NEEDING him right then, right there, hopeless, helpless....sobbing for hours until I actually threw up from it, That was a new one. I know I am in the early stages....but already I am terrified of always feeling just this way....just the thought is unbearable! I will be going back to work mid-January, already I am stressing out as to how I will be able to cope there. It is NOT the sort of workplace that would have any sympathy for "griefbursts". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kpl48 Posted December 22, 2015 Author Report Share Posted December 22, 2015 I have been worried that I would totally break down in front of others because I do when I'm home alone. If I talk about my husband with others, I usually shed some tears and can't really talk for a few seconds. But I've never totally broken down in public. I think my body and mind go into self protection mode whenever my grief is exposed. Maybe my grief is on such a delicate thread that my being just knows to protect me in public. I'm not repressing or suppressing my feelings; I'm protecting myself. Today has been very sad for me. I can't get started on anything I need to do. I feel so alone without my Andre. I want to be with him, but I know that's impossible. It's been a day of heartache and tears. I'm doing what is necessary. I've been in bed crying on and off all day. Sometimes I don't think I'll make it through, but I always do. I'm so grateful I had Andre I my life for 23 years. Maybe some day the gratitude will overtake the grief. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Janka Posted December 27, 2015 Report Share Posted December 27, 2015 On 21.12.2015 at 9:14 PM, scba said: I still cannot believe this is the outcome of our love. I believed thay my love would save his life. Dear scba, this is the way I feel by now that my love would save my beloved Jan´s life.Tell you something,dear friend.I believe in God that has helped me to go through my grieving and after 4 years I really feel that he also has helped me to relieve my pain,that´s the reason I can smile through the tears at times.However I also met the people knowing what happened to me,though they couldn´t know it.One of them told me that me and my beloved Jan should have died together the day it was all happened,but his immense love he has for me sacrificed himself to keep me alive.I don´t know the reason why it all happened to him...us two...our love...I only know that all the things I do,I do because of him...us both...the love we have for eternity to keep him in a good place close to God who knows the love my beloved Jan has for me as well as I have for my beloved Jan and this way of contrition can bring us both together into the heaven.That thought has brought me comfort on some very lonely nights.I think there is no other way to be worthy of.This is how I feel after 4 years since my beloved Jan died.It´s a long and hard journey,but I know that one day I´ll be with my beloved Jan as one again...just me and him...for eternity...Believe me,I write these words with the tears in my eyes after all I´ve been going through.I still cry for him and I know that I always will.There is no word for immense misery I feel inside of me,but now there is also a joy.It´s the challenge out of learning something.I feel a profound gratitude for my beloved Jan,for the love we have,for everything since he came into my life...We have to hold onto all of these.I think it is all worth it. That's something neither person,time nor space can take away from us. I´m very sorry for all of the things you have to go through.I know how horrible pain it is.I hold you close to my heart. With love Janka Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted December 27, 2015 Report Share Posted December 27, 2015 I love the way you put things. I also had faith. Somehow, I think it is circling all around me and I will fall back on it sometimes soon. Actually, Billy was the one who kept my faith going. He did not push religion at all, but he wanted me to have my faith. He is not here now to tell me the Bible tale of the 100 sheep with the shepherd going out to find that one lost sheep. Still, I know the story, but wish Billy was here to remind me again. Janka, you have a beautiful mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted December 28, 2015 Report Share Posted December 28, 2015 Thank you Janka for your very kind words. I appreciate them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kpl48 Posted December 28, 2015 Author Report Share Posted December 28, 2015 I'm back from a short vacation I took with my neighbor. I went because I thought going away might help me get through Christmas better. I found out I didn't have much in common with my neighbor, so our conversations and activities were limited. I got through it and I'm home now, back with my little dog! I'm missing Andre a lot. I've been crying on and off all day. I want to be with him, but he's gone. My heart is breaking all over again from the grief. I should call some friends to go out and do something. I just feel so bad. I'm going to rest for awhile and snuggle with my little dog. Then I'll decide what to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted December 28, 2015 Report Share Posted December 28, 2015 KpI48, this does suck doesn't it? I'm glad you're back home and hope the vacation wasn't to awkward. Missing your normal routine definitely puts you out of sync. I find myself wanting to do something and not wanting to at the same time because I can't do it the way I want with who I want. I just want my sister back too. I want to hug her so bad but I can't. This is just to hard Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 29, 2015 Report Share Posted December 29, 2015 Kristine, I'm sorry it didn't go so well with your neighbor but at least you tried, and nothing ventured, nothing gained. What I mean is, I admire your giving it a go, regardless of how it turned out. It's always good to come home to our dogs, isn't it! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Janka Posted January 2, 2016 Report Share Posted January 2, 2016 On 28.12.2015 at 10:31 PM, scba said: Thank you Janka for your very kind words. I appreciate them. Janka Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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