Numb and hurting

[R.Everit55]

I've been trying so hard to be "normal" again.  Sadly there is no normal to be found 13 months after my bride passed.  I feel like I'm breaking all promises to her that I made until the night she passed that I would be strong and live on positively for our son and grandsons.  I'm just in so much pain and I haven't come here in a while because I still struggle to find the right words.  The hurt is just as much if not considerably more 13 months later.  Time doesn't heal.  Time hurts worse.  It seems I'm back to feeling numb and not being able to cry.  Feeling numb yet feeling all this hurt is confusing.  I find myself feeling like I'm crazy.    I miss my bride

Butch

[KarenK]

Butch,

We can never be the "normal" that we were before, so somehow we must find a "new" normal that fits us. I do not like my new normal. I am no longer confidant, strong, and secure in my existence as I was before I lost my family, yet I will go on as long as I can.

Yes, the hurt is still tremendous, but I no longer find it confusing. A friend of mine from the cancer board who lost his battle said it so well "It is what it is".

Peace to you, my friend in your sadness.

Karen

[R.Everit55]

Karen, how ironic.  I find myself saying "it is what it is" a lot.  In hopes a new normal will settle for me.  It just hasn't happened yet in 13 months.  

Peace to you too friend.

Butch

[ardeer0630]

I am unsure what normal will be anymore.  I just had my loss a little over two months and nothing has changed.  I am still in seclusion.  Am only doing things I needed to do.  Still not in the mood to talk to friends.  I have however started therapy which is free from the health insurance I have at the firm.  At least I should try that.  I find comfort coming here and reading posts.  It's so hard!

[Gin]

Butch,. this journey is so hard.  I lost my husband 4 months ago and it still hurts so much.  This week I decided to try to act like the rest of the non-grieving world.  I went to a knitting club.  They make things for shelters, hospitals, etc.   I made it through 1/2 of the meeting and made an excuse why I had to leave.  They all still had their mates and the kind of lives we used to have.  I cried all the way home.

[enna]

Hi Butch,

I am so sorry for the sadness you are feeling. Perhaps that is the “new normal” we all must learn to accept. It is painful and I think always will be. We have lost a major part of who we were. I agree with Karen that it is going to be up to us to find out what the “new” normal will be for each of us. We have been traumatized and I think that those around us want us to hurry up and get back to who we used to be. Well, that is not going to happen. You are still so fresh in your pain after the loss of your Mary. You have had interruptions in your grieving due to your health issues.

I think we need to be patient with ourselves. Grieving takes our full attention and if we have roadblocks (illnesses) during that time then it will take as long as it takes. I have never been a patient person so I understand when we want to hurry our grief along. I am trying to work daily on allowing my grief to be just where it is. And I keep saying over and over “Let that be enough.”

Thinking of you with love.

Anne

I am sorry you have joined us, ardeer0630, but glad that you will be here where we can share our grief. We will be here for you. 

[iPraiseHim]

2 hours ago, R.Everit55 said:

I've been trying so hard to be "normal" again.  Sadly there is no normal to be found 13 months after my bride passed.

I gave up trying to be normal. I never was and never will be.  The hardest thing from a guys perspective is we think we can somehow figure this grief thing out  and just get on with life.  In five days it will be one year since my wife suddenly died. Now I find out that the second and third year is no rose garden either.  I couldn't imagine one day without my wife and yet here I am.  All I know now is to take care of my body because this is very stressful this grief work. Initially, I was just in Shock and numb. 

Thankfully, I discovered this place that other people have gone through or are going through what I am going through.  I can't fix it heal or ignore it. I just live each day the best I can.  Flawed and broken.  I know there is some greater purpose to this beyond what I can see and comprehend.  I am working on getting enough sleep, eating better, exercising and even started a new interest that keeps me motivated NOW. 

I still journal and talk to my wife daily. I read books about dealing with grief.  It is just how I cope. Each of us needs to find what works. I still have my down days.  I try to remember five things each day that I am grateful for. And I try to help others who are on this grief journey.  I pray for you often, Butch.  You have been through a lot.  Hang in and hold on to life.  Shalom

[kayc]

Butch,

After I suffered loss, I began to hear how we needed to find our "new normal" and I didn't know what that meant.  I know the old normal is gone forever and comparisons about life before and life after hit you without bidding, we can't stop it from hitting but we can choose not to focus on that stark reality change.  It's hard, it takes effort, anyone who has gone through this grief knows how draining it is on our energy!  I guess it helps to be thankful for what still is, that is your son and his wife and two little boys and the new life being brought to you, a little granddaughter.  It is weird getting at this end of life and seeing our children in the prime of their lives, where ours once was, and knowing that we are on the other end of that spectrum.  It seems like it all went so fast and it was just yesterday when we were raising kids and our life was full.  But our life isn't over, it's just changed!  We have life's gift of perspective and slowing down, knowing what's important and what isn't.  We have something to offer.

[R.Everit55]

I'm so sorry that all of us must find a new normal.  It's so painful.  

Peace be with all of you.  Hugs ❤️

Butch