Opposing thoughts

[Gin]

I have not been well lately.  Today Al has been gone for 8 months.  Out of breath a lot.  More tests coming up,. Up until now, all I wanted was to be with Al.  I would think that I would welcome death, but I am fighting it by even going to the doctor.  I am fighting what I want..OR do I really want to leave?  I would not take my life, but I would think that I would not try to prolong this misery.  Living alone makes all this so much worse.  Strange that I am holding both views at the same time.

Gin

[mittam99]

Gin, this is what I think happens...

When our beloved dies, we feel like life has ended. We can't fathom living in a world where half of us is missing. The half that makes us feel loved and makes us feel like life has meaning. It's natural to doubt that we can go on in this life alone.

And I'm sure we all having passing thoughts of the idea of joining our soul mate in heaven. But, I don't think that's the answer. Life is too much of a gift to just throw it away no matter how bleak and dark and dismal it all seems.

So we trudge along, taking life day to day and hoping we see some lightness in our grief. It's hard. We all struggle with whether or not we really want to be here on not. That's normal. I don't think it's us wanting to die as much as it is us wanting to be with our partner again.

For me, having Tammy in my heart and soul, having her love inside me and knowing that she made me a better person, helps me get by. In that sense, Tammy will live on as long as I do. She and I will always be as one in this life. And when the time comes, my hope is we will be reunited once again in a better place, free of pain and filled with love.

Hope things get better for you Gin. I know today is a very hard one. Hugs.

[kayc]

I think there must be something within us that wants to live, even when we don't feel like it, because somehow when we're drowning, we gasp for breath.  Yes we want to be with them, but it's created in us the desire to live.  I remember my mom always talking about "going to be with the Lord" (she was a classic religious fanatic).  I remember telling her, "For someone who wants to go be with the Lord so bad, you sure do take good care of yourself!"  She looked rather startled.  This was a woman that took up jogging in her 70s, that ate very disciplined and felt guilty if she had a cookie.  She was Diabetic and would take her blood sugar several times a day, even if it read 100, which is terrific.  

Something within us fights to live, even when things look bleak.

[Guest]

Gin -

I fully ocmprehend the dichotomy with your thought.  At times I believe I would welcome death but then I am also taking better care of myself now I don't have Deedo to do it for me.  My biggest fear now is that I'll suffer a stroke or develop dementia or something that would render me dependent on others.  I would hate to do that to the kids.  While I am striving to find my way through this miasma of grief; trying to find a way to forge a new life out of what I now have, I am also thinking that if I were to suffer a heart attack I doubt I would call 911.  That being said,  this is also something that I cannot possibly know how I would react if it happened until it actually happened.

Personally I don't think it is strange but more symptomatic of the position we find ourselves in.  Our existence is now incomplete and we wish to have the misery end but at the same time the essence of the human spirit is one of survival at all costs.

[brat#2]

Gin - it's not strange to feel both ways.  I think we all have felt that way at one time or another.  I also think when you are not feeling well, it complicates your feelings.  But as said above, the human instinct of survival kicks in and we do what we can to make ourselves better, like going to the doctor.  I myself am having physical complications right now and will be going to the doctor to try to get better, but yet, I have thought too, maybe just let everything take its course and I will be with Dale sooner.  It is quite confusing and hard to believe we can feel both ways at the same time.  Hugs to you

Joyce

 

[Cookie]

Gin:  I too have that duality going on.  Many days I just don't want to be here and wonder why I eat, exercise, etc.  I almost decided to not get the preventive tests that I regularly go for, feeling why bother.  Then, there is a tiny part of me that remembers how wonderful life can be.  I had it with John.  I know somewhere in my brain that I am capable of joy and I guess  I decide to keep going, hoping there will be some contentment and enjoyment of life again.  Then I will have many days where it seems impossible.  It's very difficult to flip flop back and forth.  Yes, being alone does make this harder.  Thinking of you very warmly....Cookie

[KarenK]

Gin,

Like you, I am short of breath a lot. It is difficult for me to push the grocery cart without stopping for a moment. This is my fault. I smoke and have done so for 50 years. I do not want to quit. It is too late. I have no life and very little to live for. Yet, deep inside I do not want to die.

I think of Ron and my daughter, Debbie always, always and the unimaginable suffering they each went through just to live one more day. In a lucid moment the day before she died, she looked up at me and said "I just love life". I could not dishonor her by doing less.

How was your echo stress test?

 

[Margm]

I understand Karen, Gin, Joyce, Cookie, all of you.  Why couldn't I have gone two years ago when they thought I was, even the doctors.  There is so much to do, you don't want to do it alone, but also you know you have to do it alone.  I don't want to be taken care of like my mom.  I have to finish this.  

[Gin]

Mitch,  thanks for your thoughts and encouragement.  I wish I felt Al inside me as you feel Tammy.  I want to honor him so much but do not know how.  I hope to volunteer at a local orphanage.  Al loved kids.  OR work with the blind at the VA.  Al was blind for several years.

kay,  I guess you are right.  Something in us wants to go on, even if it does not seem the thing to do.  

Brad.   I was sick during the night last week.  With my attitude one would think that I would be happy to go with Al.  What did I do?  I got up and got dressed in case I had to call 911.  Kind of mixed up, eh?

joyce,  yes we feel both ways and it looks like self preservation wins.  For now.

cookie, I will try to remember how great life was with Al, even though that usually depresses me even more since he is no longer here.  Hard to believe life can get better.  Keep trying.

Karen, Al fought so hard to live and went through horrible surgeries.  He said the only reason he did was that maybe we could have a few more years together. Especially when they tapped off an arm artery, ran a plastic tube under his skin down to feed blood to one leg.  Then across the belly and down the other leg.  I go to doc tomorrow.

marge,  I do not want to be taken care of either.   we have to plod ahead with the good humor that you exhibit.  At least, try

Gin

 

 

 

 

[Margm]

Gin, I took a truck load of "stuff" up to the thrift store tonight.  I had put Billy's clothes so I would not wrinkle them too much.  He had his hunting coats, some brand new, some with the fluorescent orange on them.  I have had them out for well over a month.  He had three sport coats that he only wore to funerals.  I cried while I was packing them.  These he had worn, but he won't wear them ever again.  It hurt to get rid of them, they were such nice clothes.  The men in this town are hunters.  They even let school out during deer season.  I also have some dog training books, coyote calling books and CD's, and a lot of hunting stuff he has not used in years.  He used to love to call varmints up.  I don't know why.  There is nothing more bone chilling to me than to hear him making a wounded animal call and hear things busting through the thicket of trees in these Ouachita National Forest roads.  Black pitch night.  I hide in the cab of the truck and one time I just plain begged to go home.  There was things out there I did not want to know what was.  Boggy Creek Monster, Sasquatch, all kinds of monsters.  Men do like their toys.  Anyhow, I wanted to keep them because they were his.  But, I damn sure am not going down some dark road and none of my women friends would come along with me to hear me sound like a wounded rabbit to arouse the blood lust in some monster in those woods.  So, I decided to give them to the hunters up here, and there are many, who love to do this kind of outdoor recreation.  I think he would want them to have all his calls, all his books, all his CD's.  But, I hated to let anything and everything go.  Never mind, and I know how stupid this is, I have a big double closet in my room in the apartment.  I will hang my clothes and his clothes in it too.  I kept all the clothes he wore.  He would wear them till they were threadbare anyhow.  He hated wearing new pants and shirts.  I had them all packed, but they were still here in the house.  They are gone now.  I am okay.  

[Gin]

Marge,

lit is hard to get rid of their things.  I was going through old piles of papers.  If Al had scribbled on it, I kept it.  Even if I could not  read it.  My daughter asked me if I was getting rid of stuff and I said "Sure, can't you tell?"  I have lived in this house for over 50 years....lots of stuff.  Wouldn't it be nice if we all lived within a few miles of each other.  I bet we would enjoy us.

Gin

[Margm]

Gin, Billy was a number person.  I will spell anything, but hate numbers.  Yet, those were his numbers, the widths, lengths, circumferences, all kinds of numbers I had no idea what were, but he wrote them and I kept them.  No rhyme or reason.  Doesn't have to be.  

Gin, I don't know where anyone lives honestly, but I do wish we all lived closer.  We definitely share a lot of feelings.