Guilt over wishing for death

[WolfsKat]

First off, NO....I am not imminently suicidal.......perhaps in the first few horrible weeks, but no, not now.  BUT.......having lost my beloved brother, mom, and my wonderful husband in the space of a year, I do admit that I feel as though I'm only remaining to spare my kids/family from yet another death, and the subsequent pain.  I'd not wish my grief on anyone!  I will not end life at my own hand, but, when I express that if, should something befall me.....that the ones I leave behind should have some happiness that I am (finally) reunited with all of those that have passed over, especially my husband Connor......they react with horror, fear, and anger that I would voice such a sentiment.  I'd think that they should be happy to be given a reason to find some comfort, in the event of my passing over!  Am I wrong in my thinking?

[iPraiseHim]

It's the kind of transparent honesty that most people do not understand, comprehend or even want to glance at.  We in this forum understand your position but it is tough for the family and loved ones to hear.  It stirs up their own anxiety and fears about death. Most people are self focused instead of other people focused.  It is our nature.  This grief journey reveals our true thoughts and motives to life and living.  Shalom

[kayc]

I imagine they're thinking, "What?  WE aren't reason enough for you to live?!"  They don't realize that as infrequent as we see them (speaking for myself), it's not impacting enough, we're having to keep going night after night, weekend after weekend, holiday after holiday, alone.  Yes they mean a great deal to us, but hopefully they will console themselves when that day comes with the fact that we're finally reunited with our soul mate and best friend.

[Patty65]

That's the only reason that I feel like I am remaining as well -- for my daughter and elderly parents.  They already lost one son a couple of years ago, my brother.  I think that your pain and grief are so with you -- so part of you right now -- that any talk of death will sound scary to those who love you.  I imagine it is a pretty helpless and scary feeling for those who love us and see us in so much pain with no real way to take that pain away... then they hear us talking about dying ourselves, the logical train of thought to a "wanted" solution of being gone is not something they can accept easily.  I could imagine that "wanting to die" or "being ok with dying" doesn't sound very different from "trying to die" to them in their worry for us, maybe.

 

[Gwenivere]

23 minutes ago, Patty65 said:

 I could imagine that "wanting to die" or "being ok with dying" doesn't sound very different from "trying to die" to them in their worry for us, maybe.

Patty, I think you nailed it.  People don't understand the intense pain this is and the feeling that if something befell us and we died, we'd be OK with that.  I certainly feel that way.  I've been thru the suicidal phase and sometimes it comes back.  Now I just know that life will be so forever altered, that if I were taken from it, I am much more OK about it.  I am looking at is getting older , more limited and the time I thought he and I would have matching walkers but still each other, the journey solo has no appeal.  There are those that have interests and family that keep them going.  I haven't found the interests and have no family.  It's one of those topics I am very careful about talking to anyone about.  Only with my counselor can I be completely honest about it feeling OK to die.  That whatever fear I had of it before is partially there (survival instinct), but more so an it's not a thing I would fight for with massive medical care as Steve did because I was still here.  I just filled out forms for EMTs so they know not to do anything that would leave me in a disabled state.  We all have our wishes and if I can't live in my own house, take care of myself or have to give up my dogs, I don't want that.  I have volunteered at a nursing home for 22 years and I don't want that to be where I end up. Watching TV and doing jigsaw puzzles waiting for meals which are the highlight of the day is soooooo not me.  I lost him.  If I had to lose our home......I can't even fathom it.

[KATPILOT]

I was talking with my son just yesterday and in passing, I told him that if anything happened to me he should always remember how happy I would then be. He didn't get upset at all for he knows it's true. I was glad I could share that with him not that I plan on leaving anytime soon. I didn't tell him that just the day before I had such a desire to be done with all this cr@# and just be with her. But that passes.

Patty today I had a customer come in with some pieces that had been damaged in shipping. She had just moved here from Maui after 35 years. Her husband had died and she was worried about living alone there without family and good medical care. I thought about you when she said that when you live on Maui.........if you have a pain, take a plane. When she saw the gold whale flukes on my neck, I told her they were from Maui where I bought it for my wife on her fiftieth birthday a year before she died. There we were. Two widowed souls telling each other "I'm so sorry".  If it wasn't so damn pathetic I'd laugh.

[rdownes]

My desire to live is for me, I do not want to pass away, I have not had suicidal thoughts, do I hurt beyond words yes, do I miss Kevin with all my heart yes, do I want to be with him again yes but I am not looking forward to not being on this earth to see my soulmate again even though my life is not the same and it is empty and full of sadness I know it will not always feel this bad and I like life.

[KATPILOT]

I get what you're saying Robin. We are not that much different from each other. I want to live yes indeed. I want to experience all I can with what time I have. It's just when I'm gone I want no one to feel sad for me. I know it will be just fine on the other side.

For years now I have had this understanding that I am indeed moving on but moving on doesn't mean I have to find a new love. I can move on quite well solo and I've been on this boat ride long enough now to recognize what I can and cannot do.  (like what hurts too much and what doesn't) The most fun I have had in the last five years has been doing this art sale. I find myself happy and excited about it. As Marlin said in "Finding Nemo", for me that's a really big thing.

[kayc]

Robin,

With your positive attitude, you will do fine.  

Steve,

11 hours ago, KATPILOT said:

The most fun I have had in the last five years has been doing this art sale.

And we appreciate all of your work on it too!