Need to vent

[rdownes]

I have to let it out I feel like I am drowning. I feel I can't do this, I did not ask for this or want this none of us did I am so tired of feeling empty and alone of feeling lost and broken so tired of thinking I am doing better and then being knocked right down to day one feeling. Today I asked my Kevin show me a sign as to why I should not be where you are around you again them I passed and thought oh yeah death scare me more than my pain and anquish but I will never see him again until my time and that feels like an eternity, I want him here yet he is so far away, I am stuck in the past because it is the only thing that brings me peace, I know I must keep going, I must feel it all I must be here for my kids and my Kevin. I know baby steps but it is all so overwhelming, I wish I could stop this pain for us all with all my heart I truly do, I don't want to end up the angry widow like my grandma. I want to feel my Kevin's presence and know he is only a breath away I am just beyond overwhelmed hope tomorrow is better for all who are missing their soulmates

[KATPILOT]

Robin there will always be anguish in grief. Venting is a good release but. I doubt we could ever get an answer to that question from our loved ones on the other side. You already know the reasons to keep on living. I can tell you something else. Grief is also lonely.... Extremely lonely. No matter who surrounds us we will still feel that aloneness because the close intimacy that we shared is gone. You can't feel that with anyone but Kevin. There isn't a day that goes by when I don't have at least one moment of that special pain and I'm going on six years. Those moments pass fortunately only to strike tomorrow.  I guess I've just learned to live with it. When we speak of adapting to this new life, living with things like that is what I mean. It's not doom and gloom. It's just a little sadness in your day. It doesn't hurt as much and it doesn't last as long but it happens just the same. Finally I came to understand and accept that this is just who I am and who I shall be.......and then I get on with the rest of my day.

It won't always hurt this bad and it won't always last this long but it will still happen.  As long as you still love him.

I don't remember when I started doing this but when those moments come when I feel so lost and so alone, I tell her out loud how much I love her and for some unexplained reason, I feel a little better.

[iPraiseHim]

Robin, Thank you for sharing your heart.  It helps all of us acknowledge and remember the initial  intense pain of grief in loss.  I am reminded of my own intensity and it seemed so unbearable.  You are actually helping you and others as you express your grief. This sorry in grief is unlike any I have ever experienced in life before my wife passed. I have learned that the best way to get through this grief is to fully experience it.  I wrote, journal-led, prayed, cried, and kept coming back here where people just love, hug, and understand.  It is a place where none of wanted to go but have found solace in each other. At times  It feels like I am not going to make or even why  bother.  It is in those times I remember 1) To live in the NOW. 2) Hang on/Hold on 3) Review what I am grateful for. ( I have to make the list when I am not in the pits).

When the extreme pain of grief hits, it FEELS as intense as the first initial loss.  But the FEELINGS are not necessarily the facts.  When I go back and review those first few days, weeks, and months after my wife passed,  I can see that  I have made some progress.  I have found that I can remember more about the joys we shared for many years which surpasses the shock and awe of her sudden death. 

Robin, I will continue to pray that you will find your way through this grief journey. - Shalom  

[rdownes]

Stephen and George thank you for your words  Stephen I talk to Kevin all the time it does help sometimes because I feel he hears me other times it makes the pain worse , well since I know my love for him will never die I know I will always feel sadness, I know it is only the beginning and I have so much to process and learn it is just way to overwhelming some days. George I try to live in the now but that is one of my biggest obsticales because I only want what I can't have the past. I have so much work to do in this process you are right George the way I am today is not the way I was three months ago I am trying that is all I can do right now. Today is alittle better but not much but at least I was granted this day.

[KATPILOT]

For what it's worth.  I talk out loud to Kathy because I don't know if she can read my mind. I believe they can see us so why not hear?  Course I'm alone when I do so. 

[Widowedbysuicide]

Robin, I can understand your feeling like you are doing ok and then getting slammed back to the beginning.  Knowing I can't fix it frustrates me.  I guess I think of it as a problem that needs a repair rather than a state of being that must be.  Thus far the crisis comes, lingers for a while and then is gone.  Knowing that is not unusual kind of helps but it is difficult to wrap my brain around believing.

Stephen and George I thank you for your kindness to everyone here.  I don't know if I'm acting unusual or not but since there are so few people I interact with now, particularly men, it is great to have you and the other fellows on here to balance out my thinking.

Marita

[iPraiseHim]

I like to fix things too,  but this grief cannot be fixed.  It is another expression of love.  Shalom

[Widowedbysuicide]

I get that George.  It's just so hard to accept in my brain even though my heart knows it is true.

[mittam99]

15 hours ago, rdownes said:

I have to let it out I feel like I am drowning. I feel I can't do this, I did not ask for this or want this none of us did I am so tired of feeling empty and alone of feeling lost and broken so tired of thinking I am doing better and then being knocked right down to day one feeling. Today I asked my Kevin show me a sign as to why I should not be where you are around you again them I passed and thought oh yeah death scare me more than my pain and anquish but I will never see him again until my time and that feels like an eternity, I want him here yet he is so far away, I am stuck in the past because it is the only thing that brings me peace,

Robin, nothing anyone can say will lessen the hurt or fill the void that you feel since your Kevin died. I believe the pain and anguish we feel will be with us for the rest of our lives. In time though, the ache becomes a bit less and the anguish subsides to an extent but those grief waves will hit and there's nothing you can do to stop them. This is our new way of life and it's hard,

I take it one day at a time and each day I do what I need to do to cope. If I feel the need to read or post here, I do that. If doing chores or keeping busy will help, I do that. If I need to vent to someone on the phone, I make calls. If I don't feel like doing anything, I lay around the house. If I need to tell Tammy something, I do. It boils down to doing whatever it takes to get through the day with some sense of your sanity being intact.

As you said, it is so overwhelming at times. Of course it is. We lost the person that made our life better and we lost the life that we were happiest with. We lost the feeling of being loved. We lost intimacy. We lost companionship. We lost everything that made life worth living. Yet somehow, after our beloved's tragic death, we are supposed to magically "reinvent" ourselves as a "single".

This journey is filled with so many moments where you just don't know if you have the "oomph" to go on. But, using the "one day at a time" strategy and having some sense of hope in your heart, you try to find some peace and comfort. And ultimately, you hope to be reunited with your loved one when your time on earth is done.

Mitch

[rdownes]

I know how you feel Marita I wish I could fix this for everyone, the last few days have been almost as hard as when he first passed I know it is reality setting in more, it is my knowing everyday that this is all real he is gone, I guess I am coming out of the fog and it hurts. Mitch you have away about you. You have such hope through all you sadness and a true way with words I have learned so much from everyone, I am doing even the one moment at a time sometimes nothing helps and I guess I need to accept that, I will not give up though I need to find my way,  Steve I always talk out loud alone, don't want people to think I'm crazy hugs to all!!

[mittam99]

Thanks for the kind words, Robin. That means a lot to me. I'm living this empty, hard life just like all of us are. If some little bit of wisdom I write can potentially give someone who is hurting an "aha" moment or simply give them an inkling of hope, I'm happy. We're all in this big box of chocolates together and like that philosopher Forrest Gump once said, "you never know what you're gonna get". In grief. we need all the help we can get.

[kayc]

There hasn't been a day pass that George was not in it, for me, because I constantly think about him and yes, talk to him.  He is a constant in my life.  The early anguish of not having him here to hold me (yes, you do eventually get used to it, but you always miss it) or answer me back...it's been replaced with an aloneness I'm accustomed to.  I can't say as I like it, I preferred to have him here to share life with, after all, isn't that why we married?  

Between the day he died and the time I finally grew accustomed to it were many days forward and backward, forward and backward, tears shed, triggers hitting, anguish presenting.  And it still can at any given moment, but with less frequency it has become something more bearable.  

Robin says she wishes she could fix this for everyone...so do I, oh, so do I!

[rdownes]

Kaycee one day I hope to be at the place where you are not that you don't feel the pain but you seem to have found your way as well as we can with what we have to deal with.

[Widowedbysuicide]

 

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