Any ideas to help a devastated friend?

[Clematis]

I am going camping for a long weekend at a music festival; I've been doing this for about ten years. In the beginning, I didn't know anybody in the campground, but I kept parking my tent and whatnot in the same part of the campground and gradually the group in that corner of the campground became an interwoven group made up of smaller groups, but at festival time we were all one. Tim, the guy who really held it all together and roped everyone else in, died last November. He was 46. Tim was an extremely talented, gregarious, bright guy who did absolutely everything to the hilt, whether it was eating drinking, drugging, playing music, cavorting around, bonding together a group or former strangers, fixing stuff, staying up all night, cooking, or anything else. And he looked like you might think he might - big and loud, laughing all the time, but he clearly was struggling. He died of his lifestyle.

He really used music to connect people, and he would stop at nothing to pull people together. I have never seen anything like him. One of the funny things he used to do was to assign familial relationships between people who weren't related. There is a younger guy that he started referring to as his son, always in some humorous and outlandish way. Two years he started referring to me as his wife Jill's cousin, asking her where her cousin was and not telling her that he was talking about me until a year later. He was really really funny.

Jill was a sweet tolerant person who adored Tim and kind of stayed in the background, while trying to keep him from killing himself from excess. She is not a musician, but became friends with his friends, who are almost all musicians. A few years ago I realized that even though it had been Tim who roped me into the group, it was really Jill who was my friend and I began focusing on her at festival time when the group got together and came alive. She talked to me a lot about how difficult and frustrating it was to be married to, essentially a shooting star. A lot of anger and frustration, tempered by love and devotion. He drove her crazy and she always pulled him back in after yelling at him a bit. He was always trying to get away from the drinking and drugging, but his friends always lured him back in.

She called me a couple of hours after he died, sobbing and saying, "I don't know what to do - I don't know what to do". She asked me to go to his memorial and I did, even though I avoid driving to the PHX area like the plague. It was only two months later that my dad died and we had one really long conversation on the phone shortly afterwards. I have reached out to her by phone or text periodically over the last eight months but never heard back from her until last week, when I texted her to ask if she was going. She texted me back right away saying that she is going, she was sorry about not responding, and that she's had a really difficult time communicating with people outside of work. She also said she was looking forward to seeing me. I responded that it was ok, I understand, I'm looking forward to seeing her too, and commenting that grief is total hell.

So, I'm packing to go to this festival and am just overwhelmed thinking about Tim. Thinking about Jill. It's hard to imagine this festival without him. I can't imagine her being there at this event that was the high point of his year without him. Jill camping with Tim's friends. The drinking and drugging that killed him all around. It's hard to imagine that it wouldn't be really hard for her to be there. Any suggestions about how I can be helpful to her, other than just being there for her? Anything that might make a difference? 

[enna]

Hi Laura,

I'm sorry about your friend, Tim, and how Jill is hurting. I read this article yesterday and posted it on my Pinterest site. It may be helpful to you. It gives suggestions about helping a friend. 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/megan-devine/death-and-dying_b_4329830.html  

[MartyT]

An excellent article, Anne, and I hope you find it helpful, Laura. My best advice is to just be there for your friend. Take all your cues from her. Let her lead you where she is willing to go. And don't worry about saying the right thing. Your willingness to show up and sit with her in her pain is the most precious gift you can give.  ♥

[Clematis]

3 hours ago, enna said:

I'm sorry about your friend, Tim, and how Jill is hurting. I read this article yesterday and posted it on my Pinterest site. It may be helpful to you. It gives suggestions about helping a friend. 

Thanks, Anne - it's perfect! I printed it out and will take it with me. I know Jill is devastated, and from talking to her in the past I think she is likely to have a long weekend of continual triggers. I really hope I can help her.

[Clematis]

Thanks, Marty - that's kind of what I was thinking, but I don't know. I think about Jill surrounded with Tim's friends, and it's overwhelming. I know she felt really conflicted about him when he was alive, and frustrated with his friends, who would offer him alcohol and drugs when he had finally gotten clean. But I think you're right Marty - I'll take my cues from her and do my best to just be there for her and go with whatever she needs.

[KATPILOT]

Laura I wonder if she joined our group, she might find comfort here as well. Also the book "How to help the newly bereaved" (Grief Diaries)  might be of some help. I can loan you my copy when you come down for the show.

[kayc]

Laura,

You've been there and I'm sure she'll be able to relate to you, as a long time friend that knew her husband and has been through loss of your own.  I hope it's not all painful to her, but that the two of you can connect and enjoy yourselves as well.  Her husband may have been troubled but he also sounds like a wonderful person.  I hope she can forgive him his struggles & weaknesses.  With my husband, I learned to take the whole of the man, and that person came out on top no matter what his weaknesses were.

[Clematis]

5 hours ago, KATPILOT said:

Laura I wonder if she joined our group, she might find comfort here as well. Also the book "How to help the newly bereaved" (Grief Diaries)  might be of some help. I can loan you my copy when you come down for the show.

I'm definitely going to suggest that she do so. She lives in Surprise...maybe she'll come to our show. I kind of doubt it, but I'll tell her about it

[Clematis]

As it turned out, I hardly saw Jill at the Pickin' In The Pines festival campout. Her dad came out from Michigan to go camping with her, which was really nice. Unfortunately, she decided that camping with all of Tim's friends might be too much, and she camped at the far end of the campground. She came down to our end for awhile on Friday night and we got to talk a little. She said she couldn't decide if it was good or bad to be so far away from everyone. Saturday night they had a memorial jam session and chili feast; Chili was Tim's nickname and he LOVED the stuff! 

But I didn't get to go because it started really late and was so far away. I wasn't confident about stumbling through the campground carrying a cello by myself late at night. It was packed with tents and campers and roots and rocks and stray ropes. I was hoping that I could tag along with someone from my corner, but I never saw them come back. They probably went straight over there from the last show. I didn't go to the "Headliner" event either night because it was so much louder than the other shows and I am still having noise-triggered headaches.

It was weird to be at a music festival going to bed relatively early - rather than staying up as late as humanly possible jamming in the campground - and avoiding excessive noise and all that. I was also really really careful about the bike and cello. Nevertheless, it was really good to see friends and just be there doing something normal. I'm glad I went, and took the bike and all of that

[kayc]

Well I for one am glad you decided to be cautious, even though it meant cutting out some of the fun.  I'm glad Jill did what she felt was right for her, we have to do that in our grieving, even if it's a mistake...sometimes we don't know the right thing to do and just have to go by our intuition.  And sometimes there is no right or wrong thing, it's tradeoffs.  

[Clematis]

I can understand why she would have very mixed feelings, although I wish she had been closer, which would have enabled me to see more of her. Nevertheless, most of the group that we camped with were his friends more than hers and they encouraged him in the excesses of drinking, drugging, and junk food binging that were part of his undoing. These are people who can do some partying and go back to their lives and function, but as an addict with serious health problems, he could not. She tried desperately for years to get him to lead a healthier lifestyle, but as soon as there was some success, some friend would come around with some temptation and he would fall right back in. I can understand their desire to want him to party with them since he was the life of any party anytime, anywhere, and with anybody, but I don't think there is any excuse for tempting someone like him into behaviors that ultimately killed him. 

I was talking to the some of these people yesterday, the last day of the festival, and said something about having missed the Chili memorial and jam session and missing seeing Jill. There were some comments about how it was rather far away, especially in the dark and on foot. Then one of them, a woman, looked at me and said, "Oh yeah - that's right - you guys used to really hang out together". I think they still don't get it - understand why it's a problem to encourage an alcoholic/addict friend with diabetes and a huge excess of weight to binge on everything imaginable.

 

[kayc]

I probably would not have chosen to spend time with them if I was her, but that's me, everyone handles/reacts to thing differently.

[Clematis]

On September 19, 2016 at 0:53 PM, kayc said:

I probably would not have chosen to spend time with them if I was her, but that's me, everyone handles/reacts to thing differently.

Right - and she didn't. I was sorry that I wasn't able to see more of her at the festival, but I wasn't the one she was avoiding. I just happened to be camping down there where we have all camped for years. My other friends also camp down there at that end. I think I would have been a lot more angry with his friends - than she - when he was alive as well as now. But the whole situation is very sad - both then and now.

Well, I'll keep trying to contact her every now and then - like with a text message that's easy to ignore if she doesn't want to deal with it. What do you think?