Sudden Loss

[Tableforone]

I've read several of the posts here over the last days and have found comfort. I've never posted to any forum before... but I've never lost my husband either. I have wonderful friends and family who have been so supportive... but you also know that you make people uncomfortable after a time. Some don't know what to say. Some think that you should be farther along. Some, you just feel like you've burdened them enough.

I lost my love only 3 weeks ago.... and it feels like forever... as well as like it still can't be possible. We were "those people" who truly did everything together. And that was all we needed. We are simple people who built our world around us, home and our family and friends. He was a kind and gentle soul. A true gentleman. In every sense of the word. And then... no forewarning, he was gone. I feel guilt because I couldn't do more. I feel loss. Disbelief. Anger (not at him). My faith has been shaken to the core. I know everyone knows all the gut wrenching feelings.... I feel broken... and the pieces needed to fix me.... are gone. I see the "event" as the hospital called it, over and over.... trying to push it from my mind - yet trying to figure out what I could have done differently... and the why didn't you-s........

I know I've in the very early stages. I've buried my mother and two brothers, so I understand logically.... but this sudden and total loss is different. I lost my best friend, my husband, our life together, the person who held me up during the other losses. I guess I just need a place to grieve with those who know....

[mfh]

I am so sorry for your loss. Losing our spouses is a life changing loss and frankly, it changes us at deep levels. Losing your husband so suddenly is shocking and adds to the pain. But I do not have to tell you that. I am glad you found this wonderful place where you are welcomed by all of us here who are grieving. We will reach out to you and listen as you share. Sometimes you will post just to vent; sometimes to get information.

At this early time of three weeks since your painful loss, you are most likely still in a fog. We tend to move out of this shock and fog slowly perhaps over 4-9 months depending on each person's journey. During this time, these early days, it is essential that you take care of yourself, get enough sleep if you can, exercise a bit outside daily, and try to eat nutritious foods even if y ou just graze your way through the days.

Do feel free to share photos and your story if and when you ever wish to do so. And continue reading posts, especially those on spousal loss and the tools forum. If you wish to tell us more about your husband and family please feel free to do so. Others will come on with comforting and caring words so do check in off and on.

You feel gut wrenching pain because the pain is just that...gut wrenching. You are broken and you will heal but there will always be grief that with time and work will sit more quietly in your heart. Educating yourself by reading posts and articles on grief will help you. A great starting place is www.griefheallingblog.com That is Marty's blog site and it is filled with good and solid information along with search engines.

You WILL get through this but I won't lie...it is a tough tough journey. Losing my husband 55 months ago yesterday was the worst day of my life. I think of my life before Bill and after Bill's death. But it does not always hurt as it does today. There are days when the pain returns in full force but we learn how to handle it and we know it will pass. Right now, my guess is that your pain is there 24/7. That changes but takes patience. One day at a time. My toughest lesson and tough for many.

Welcome to a place you never wanted to come. We are glad you found us.

[marsha]

Tableforone - I'm so sorry for your loss. Everything you've described - all of it - we've all gone through or are going through. I also had never been on a forum before I joined in 2008, and the kind folks here helped me so much. I needed this so, because although I got support, I also got a lot of unwanted advice from everyone (IRL). Ok, I don't mean unwanted, it was just that my nerve endings were on the outside of my body and I didn't know who or what to listen to. And so a lot of it hurt. And that's what brought me here. I wish you peace. Keep talking, please - Marsha

[feralfae]

Tableforone,

I am so very sorry for your loss, and for the unexpected and sudden nature of your husband's leaving.

There are wonderful people here to support you, offer information on this grief journey, and to help you to carry the grief. These early days are especially tough, and I am sure you are still in the fog of shock over your loss.

Marty and Mary have made a wealth of wisdom available here and on their own blogs/websites. As well, there are lots of helpful posts on meditation and other tools.

Welcome. I am sorry for the reason you are here, but I know you will find solace and comfort, compassion and support among the loving and wonderful people on this forum.

Peace to your Heart as you make it through each of these early days. Sometimes, I would just make it an hour at a time. I am sending all healing thoughts and some *<fairydust twinkles>* for you.

feralfae

[enna]

My heart just breaks for you. I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad that you found this place. Anne ♥

[kayc]

Tableforone,

Your post could have (and was) written by any and all of us. What you express pretty much sums up how we feel when we've lost our best friend, our soul mate. My husband and I were always together too, unless we were at work. It's true, you feel totally cut adrift when the person you always turned to is gone and you're faced with something like this. My one consolation was that it wasn't HIM left having to deal with losing me, for I'd never want him to go through that.

I hope you'll continue to post here, it helps to get it out in a safe place where others understand. This place has been my lifesaver, and I hope it will be for you too. I am just so very sorry for your loss and all you are going through. Three weeks is very fresh, it seems like eternity and yet disbelief all at the same time.

[ADH]

Hi Tableforone:

I am so sorry for your loss. It has been six months since my husband passed and I remember being three weeks in and it was really harsh. I am not having an easy time now, but I wanted to express how sorry I am. I have only been on this site for a short time, but I hope you find it as comforting as I have.

There is a lot of information here and some very kind people that can walk with you on your grief journey.

I feel for you and I hope you can find some comfort here.

Audra

[Tableforone]

I thank you all for your words of encouragement. I have been reading a lot of the posts, downloaded some of the books, etc. Honestly, it has only been in the last few days that I can focus enough to read. Although I'm sure I'm still losing half of it. KayC - you expressed exactly what I said to my son this past weekend. One tender mercy I find in this, is that it is me and not him going through this. Those are the things I'm trying to hold on to now. The tender mercies. That he wasn't alone. That I had the gift of him for 14 years. That I know with no doubt at all, that he would have stayed with me if he could. That he knew he was loved, by me - by his family. That I know he loved me. That he wouldn't want me to hurt like this.

My brother lost his wife 6 years ago. They have young children, she was only in her 30s and of course he was more than devastated. He reminded me of what I had told him at the time. "Some people need 80-90 years to fulfill their purpose on this earth. To touch the lives they were meant to touch. To make the difference they were meant to make. Some need less time. Try to find some peace in that when you ask why." I also told my in-laws that very thing at the hospital. Or so they tell me, I don't remember.... but it must be so because they repeated it at the service.

I suppose I should take my own advice. I believe its true, and if I think on it... it does bring a measure of comfort. Knowing that I do know that he touched so many people and made such a difference in so many lives. That he did all he was supposed to do. But I always go back to we didn't do all we wanted to do.

I spoke to a co-worker today who lost his son 3 years ago in a very traumatic way. His grief is still very evident and as I talked with him I realized that no matter how bad my grief is - there are people who have hurt worse. I don't think that's possible at times, but I do know it is true. And the fact that he reached out to me was overwhelming. I know it had to rekindle some of the pain he went through, yet he did it. He comforted me and let me cry and gave me "permission" to do nothing. Coming from someone who has and is walking through a horrible loss, it hit home. I do not have to do anything other than the best I can today. The shoes can stay by the door. I do not have to try and force myself to make his side of the bed. These things are okay until I can deal with them. I shouldn't beat myself up about them. I need them..... my little pieces of him, of us. And its okay. His glass can stay on the bedside table. I can sit in the closet in the middle of his clothes and cry if it brings me comfort.

Some people can say the stupidest things "I know how you feel, but at least he didn't leave you for another woman".... and others are so kind. One thing is true.... the best place to find comfort and acceptance is with those who have been through it. People who have felt like there wasn't enough room inside their head for all the thoughts and emotions. That they can't possibly take one more breath, or know how to even just be. How to exist. Those that understand getting up and getting dressed is an accomplishment. How nothing really has meaning anymore. That you cant just accept it and go on. Of course I know what the reality is. That doesn't mean I can believe it all the time. Marsha mentioned unwanted advice..... I don't think people realize ..... some are already telling me our home is too much for me to take care of. I understand that logically... but its our home. There are pieces of us in these walls, and our peach tree and the ceiling lights he made for me. I wanted something delicate and we couldn't find anything. And he took all these pieces and made me the most beautiful lights and we put them up. And you're right... every nerve ending is on high alert and you may explode with so much advice.

Thank you all, again - for giving me a place to pour out my feelings... I wish none of you were on this site, didn't have a reason to be. But I'm glad I found you.

[Queeniemary]

Tableforone, I am so very sorry for your loss. I understand how shocking and devastating sudden death of our loved one can be. I also experienced the loss of my husband, with no warning, no symptoms of any heart problems, to a massive coronary in January, 2010. He was only 62. When you feel like talking about it, please know that you can share anything that you need to share. Sometimes telling what has happened helps, not sure why that is, but it does. It sounds as if you have good support from family, and that is wonderful. This site is good support also, it has been a life saver for me, and I am so grateful it is here. Three weeks is such a very short a time, and your grief is so raw and new, you will feel like you are in a fog. I remember it very well. I had just had a total knee replacement 2 days before my husband died alone at home, while I was still in the hospital. The devastating loss of him, plus the pain meds, and residue from the anesthesia created such a fog that I still have trouble remembering the order of some events of the first few weeks after Mike died. You are correct...you do not have to do anything that you do not want to do....leave things exactly where you want them, until you are ready. Do not let anyone else make those decisions for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers, please take care of yourself.

QMary

[Tableforone]

In some ways, our stories are similar. My David was only 52 years old. No history of heart problems. Had a recent physical. I had even scheduled him for some heart scans - that would have been done tomorrow. Just to be on the safe side. His dad has some heart issues, so we were very careful.

He had a heart attack at home, but I was here. I'm thankful that I was.... but its very hard to deal with as well. All the ifs, and what ifs.... The guilt that I didn't do enough or do things right. Replaying it in my mind. Trying not to. The list goes on and on. I don't remember several things about the hospital over the next couple of days - or the days right after the service... and I wasn't on any medication. I think part of that is God's way of helping us cope. I remember a constant feeling of unbelief. That I would wake up and it would be a horrible dream. That it absolutely could not be true. In shock throughout the funeral. I still get that feeling... And of course, still expect him to here when I wake up... go to bed... and all the times in between.

One of the doctors at the hospital said "You have experienced a traumatic sudden death event". I remember saying, all death is traumatic. Now I know what he was referring to. But I also got very angry that he (and others) kept referring to David's heart attack as an "event". I understand why they did.... but it seemed such a horrible word.

I cant fathom having to cope with the loss and being in the hospital after major surgery. Your body is hurt and then your soul is broken. Its unimaginable. I'm so sorry you went through that.

[kayc]

Someone just brought up how long it'd been since George died and how short a time we were married, then went on to say they'd been married almost 50 years. As if to say I didn't earn the right to my grief because I wasn't married long enough? And it's been long enough I should be over it by now? for crying out loud! It's not about time, it's about quality of relationship, what we had...what I miss now.

You're right, people can say stupid things.

We are our most sensitive and vulnerable when we experience fresh loss, it is then that we are most raw and can't take some of the things people say.

[ADH]

wow Tableforone:

I am sorry that people are saying such insensitive things. I had a lot of advice coming at me when my husband was ill (advice from the sidelines of course) and after he passed. "Here is what you should do...." "LIsten to me......." The advice was mostly terrible.

I am glad there are others that seem to listen to you and just listen or say something kind and comforting.

We understand your pain here and I do not think you will hear anything here but kind words and understanding. I am thinking about you and hoping you are getting some rest and something to eat. I forgot to eat in the beginning, so please take care of yourself. Please be kind to yourself.

[Elly57]

Hello tableforone

I feel your pain too. I'm also at the three week mark. My story is so very much like yours in feelings of how to cope and how to move on. It hurts so badly.

I don't know how to deal with this it's still a dream. I hope you continue to post this is a good place to ask for help.

Keep coming back please.

Elly

[Tableforone]

Elly: The thing that seems to help me the most is to allow myself to be exactly where I am. It sounds simple, but its not. It doesn't take away the foggy disbelief or the pain, but you don't have to try and fight yourself to be anywhere or anyway other than how you are right now. I wont allow myself to think past today yet, that would be unbearable. Focusing on trying to get through this next hour is the best I can do. And that's just the way it is. I know this is a long long journey.... And like you - I still don't know how to accept this as reality. One hour at a time......

[MartyT]

Yes. And sometimes it's one tear at a time . . . ♥

[ohsosad]

I come to this place in the evening after each lonely, grieving day filled with tears and fear. When I read about others going through similar heartache, I feel less alone.

Rita

[mfh]

You ARE less alone. We are all here embracing you in your pain.

[kayc]

One hour at a time, or one minute at a time if need be, is good. We can't handle "the rest of our lives", it's too overwhelming, stick to the "now". We're all here for you.

[Tableforone]

That really is so true. One tear at a time. The strangest things start them.... Today I thought I was doing okay, considering - mask in place. And it just hit me from out of the blue - that we wouldn't be growing old together. It hit me so hard I could hardly breath. People have a lot of goals in life, and our main goal was to grow old together, with our children happy. We would joke about it, of course.... but whatever came our way was okay - because we'd face it together. Granted, the older we got... the older "growing old" was. I still can't look at tomorrow. I'm still just focusing on today. I'm just sad. So incredibly sad. Such an inefficient word... but it so sums it up. His birthday is next week. I'm going to write him a letter and send it up in balloons. I'm going to try and use the environmentally correct kind, but honestly - if I cant find them... I'll still do it. People say writing letters helps... so I'm gonna give it a try. I talk to him... and I'll always do that. And thank him for sharing his life with me. I wish we had found each other sooner....14 years wasn't near enough... but I'll take what I can get. Missed time doesn't erase spent time. If you've love for 6 months or love for 60 years...... you still love.

[kayc]

Tableforone...I did that too, and it popped and then came back to me. I laughed, it felt somehow like he was trying to reply.