Brain Bandwidth

[Dew's Girl]

Today I am wearing Christmas socks to work because I haven't done laundry lately. It's not that I haven't had time. I spend more time staring into space than it would take to throw in a load of clothes. Last week I didn't pay the cable bill even though I knew it was due and had plenty it the bank to cover it.

I seem to do ok at work, but once I get home it's hit or miss on what I will accomplish. It's like a portion of my brain has to be dedicated to grieving and once I use up the remaining capacity for the day, I am done. Anyone else experience this?

[KATPILOT]

I so get that Amy.........

I still find myself doing that and after more than four years, I slip into some sort of place where I can't seem to wrap my brain around what's going on. I find myself feeling every once and again as if it just happened and I am right back in that place where I was the first year. Fortunately it lasts but a moment these days and I force myself to pay the bills. I think that comes from too many times of paying late fees. My wife would have never been late paying the bills. I even once had my taxes in the envelopes weeks before the deadline and didn't mail them. It does ease up in time.

[kayc]

Grief, especially early grief, renders one unable to function, or at least it's very hard to. Although I don't remember paying bills late or running out of clothes, I had to push myself when everything seemed meaningless.

[Froggie4635]

I understand exactly. I do what I can to maintain. I have developed a "routine"; but if something alters it, like a doctor's appointment, or such. I am trying to focus on the house, and gather the things I need to do projects. It is all a distraction. Everything still feels like slow motion...without the highs, joy, light. I did forget a bill, but only because I marked it like it was paid. My brain is like Swiss cheese so much of the time. How often do you read a sentence three or more times and still can't comprehend it?

[ailee]

Tomorrow it will be six months since my Bob passed, it is also his birthday.

Everything remains the same in the livingroom, except for the equipment that

needed to be returned, but all the other stuff remains where it was last placed in anticipation of his return. I'm paralyzed to move anything.

I don't have good days, in fact a day is just a time to transition from

dayight to darkness with nothing in between. I pretty much live in the past and so not looking to any future. You're not alone my friend.

[kayc]

ailee,

I will be thinking of you tomorrow. I know how hard those days are.

[mittam99]

Amy...

I'm not sure it's brain bandwidth for me although my mind certainly isn't in the game most of the time, I think it's more about motivation, or more precisely lack thereof. Really what's the incentive to do chores and other meaningless things? So many things seems pointless. I have a list of things I need to do that I wrote many weeks ago. Probably 20 items on my to do list. I think I've accomplished two of them so far.

ailee...

Reading your words mirrors the way I feel as well. It's like our world has stopped. And in a way it has. Sure, I cry out my wife Tammy's name and ask her to please come back but we know that can't happen in this world. I too have left many things still in their place. I haven't even washed the plates and forks I used for the last food Tammy and I ate together. I've wanted to buy certain foods I like but I can't right now. If it was something Tammy really liked I feel guilty. My only happiness is in the past.

We all need a group hug!!!!

[MartyT]

Thank you, Mitch ~ I love that image you created for us! ♥

[ailee]

Thank you Kayc and Mittam99 may God give us all the strengh to carry on, if only for the sake of our loved one.