kayc Posted July 11, 2016 Report Share Posted July 11, 2016 We do tend to repeat ourselves when we're grieving, because we're trying to process this and it is hard to make sense of any of it. Women esp. talk ourselves through processes, it's how our brains are wired. I have no answers (re: your sisters), I only know families can be complicated. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted July 11, 2016 Report Share Posted July 11, 2016 Laura, my dear, if you are willing to do so, you might try reading a few of the many articles online about this matter of siblings, aging parents and caregiving. At the very least, you won't feel so alone in your situation, and you may pick up some useful tips along the way. See, for example, Dealing with Siblings Who Care More about The Inheritance Than Parents' Care Top Three Excuses from Siblings Who Don't Help with Caregiving 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clematis Posted July 11, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 11, 2016 Thank you, Marty! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clematis Posted July 11, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 11, 2016 I found this card that my dad gave me for my birthday a few years ago. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clematis Posted July 12, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 12, 2016 I'm not sure if it's true or not, but it's a nice thought. It's interesting that this occurred to me while I am pondering the significance of this very question. What lies behind me with me dad is now within-in the form of memories. What lies before us? Nothing? Or something? I don't know. Nevertheless, I was getting ready to go out to dinner and a free outdoor concert on Saturday night, and my dad told me, better take some cash with you. If you have to take some from that money from my account", and so I did. I frequently have almost no cash in my wallet, relying on my debit card. Last hight I had $5, but took another $20 from the envelope he was referring to. So we got to the restaurant and the first thing they said to us was that their computer was down and they were only taking cash-no debit/credit cards. What is that? Did my dad, who has been gone for six months just bought me dinner? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clematis Posted July 14, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 14, 2016 I found a card that my dad gave me a few years ago that said inside, "You are amazing-stepping out every day with the grace and love to do what needs doing. Even when life asks so much, you respond with the patience to see things through. No one could have a more loving and thoughtful daughter, and you deserve to be celebrated! So, happy day, sweetheart-happy week, happy year, happy always. Love, Daddy" What a treasure-I think it means so much more now than it did when he gave it to me. He really did love me. He told me when I was a teenager, "No one will ever love you as much as your parents do". I think he was referring to himself more than my mother, and I think he was right. I had no idea... He gave me so much advice and assistance all throughout my life, and when I was young I just took it-and him-for granted. I hear him talking to me every day, and I still miss him like crazy. I knew I would miss him but I had no idea it would be like this. I go to sleep every night missing him and often crying, and every morning the first thing that hits me is that he's gone. It was six months today since I lost him and I wonder how I am going to get through my life like this... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 14, 2016 Report Share Posted July 14, 2016 Six months is when I've heard so many say it was really difficult. For some that's when reality seems to hit that they aren't coming back. Oh they know it with their brain, but then it really HITS and sinks in. So much of grieving is a PROCESS, nothing about it seems quick and easy, it seems our brain takes a while absorbing each step of the way. Your card is very precious. I'm sure it meant the world when you came upon it! Treasure it! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clematis Posted July 14, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 14, 2016 Thanks, Kay! It also had a $10 bill in it, which no bout had been there all along but still felt like a gift. Yeah things are really bad. I went to sleep crying last night, but woke up with Lena lying in my arms purring. We have almost everything out of my own condo and are prepping to paint. After the paint, the blue carpet and new fridge and microwave come in, the blue persian rug returns from the cleaner, and I can move my dad's furniture, and all of my stuff that I brought with me to his condo along with s lot of his stuff back up to my house. Then, his house will no longer be his house. Actually it has already changed a lot since there is so much clutter, and that persian rug is gone. I think it really hit me when that rug was picked up by the cleaners, one day before the six month mark... I am panicked and feel like I am in free fall. I am also wearying of having people push me. We are all being pushed by the time frame but all the constant questions and interruptions are getting to me... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 14, 2016 Report Share Posted July 14, 2016 I know it taxes your patience, but I'm thankful that you have people there helping you, I don't think I would. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clematis Posted July 14, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 14, 2016 If I didn't have people helping me, I would be absolutely nowhere. They have helped me SO much! I just don't get much done on my own...and after the accident I was on restriction for some time. I think I'm still supposed to be careful, and if I do too much I get a headache... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted July 15, 2016 Report Share Posted July 15, 2016 It's been four years and almost two months, Laura and I still have things in the house that I haven't attended to. Illness hit me after my Jim died and I have been struggling ever since. If I get to things I need to do I'll do them and if I don't that's okay also. I know you are dealing with two homes and that has to be so hard. What are your work offers looking like for the fall? Are you planning on having an art show to exhibit your drawings when you were in Hawaii? I hope so. Your work is breathtaking. I'd drive up to Sedona just to see some of your work. Remember, this grief journey we are on will take as long as it takes. We are all different and will do it our own way. I am concerned about the headaches you are still having. I hope you have discussed things with a good neurologist. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 15, 2016 Report Share Posted July 15, 2016 57 minutes ago, enna said: I hope you have discussed things with a good neurologist. I agree! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clematis Posted July 15, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 15, 2016 45 minutes ago, kayc said: I agree! I am on a waiting list to see a neurologist. They only book appointments three months out, and it is taking people 4-6 months to be seen. The neurologist in Prescott left, which was probably good. My dad was him and he didn't do much. Then he saw a neurologist in Cottonwood and he was great, but he is now gone. Now there is only thing place in Flagstaff, which is really overbooked. By the time I can get in, there will probably be not much reason to go. I am seeing a chiropractor twice a week and a speech path once a week. I also see an OT twice a week. I am getting better and now am strong enough to work hard physically all day so that I am totally exhausted by the end of the day by what I did, and totally overwhelmed by how much there is still yet to do before I get back in my house. I am so tired... I wish I was living in some house that was in some order and had my own car and felt like I had some ordinary semblance of a life. My car is getting repaired and I was driving my dad's Mercury Grand Prix from 1993 in the meanwhile, but it was really getting to me. It's huge and unfamiliar, and floats around on the road. So they gave me a loaner, since the repair that was to take 3-4 days is taking more than two weeks. So I got this other car-the loaner- and that was great, but I don't know this car at all. My friends were painting until 10:00pm and I went out to get pizza. When I got to the pizza place I couldn't get out of the car. It took me awhile because it was dark and there doesn't seem to be any dome light, even then you do get the door open, so then it's hard to figure out how to lock it-or unlock it. And the passenger door has no keyhole, so you can't unlock it from that side. It's some Nissan mini SUV hatchback thing. I hope it gets easier. I won't get my own car back for another week. The grocery store is only a mile away and the milk ran out, but I don't feel comfortable going over there at night. What if I can't get out of the car again? If I had my own car I would just get in and go, and I could have milk at my house in about five minutes. But not today... It's a little thing, but it just seems like too much, after everything else. My friends that are helping me have gotten into some intensive efforts to micromanage me and arguing because I won't do something the way they want it, arguing incessantly until I can provide a sufficient reason why I am doing something a certain way. It is very weird having my friends badgering me in my house until I can convince them that I have a good reason to do some little thing--in my own house! I have lived alone for a long time, and having this go on is really stressful, as if I needed any more stress than I already have. I have no idea if I am going to have a job in a few weeks and being really freaked out because it's too much to do, or panic stricken that I have no income. Also there are other things. I was supposed to pick up a script from my Dr.'s office today but forgot, I was supposed to pick up my taxes from the accountant today - or maybe it was the day before. There is a problem with the utilities - one at one house and one at the other - like a deadline where it will be cut off but I can't remember which problem goes with which house. Also, I have some insurance/medical bill stuff I have to straighten out for both my dad and myself and I can't remember what the status was for each of us. Ao now my dad's house is totally cluttered with my stuff on top of his, and mine is empty except the garage is stuffed. I am also supposed to be keeping track of the furniture and stuff that is being sold or gotten rid of by Craigslist or FreeCycle...lots of emails and phone calls but no furniture has left the house yet. How do you get rid of used mattresses? Who knows? Just too many things to deal with...and my dad's house! I have to figure out what to do about that...how long do I keep paying the mortgage if it's probably going to foreclose. If I do a regular sale, they will want me to do all kinds of stuff and it will cost me a lot of money just to sell it because the mortgage is about what it's worth. I don't what to forfeit $10-20,000 just to get rid of it. But I am still living in it...but not for long. But then I will still need it to sort out whatever didn't fit into my house. How long will it take to do that if I am working will time. Maybe I should be worrying about my job, or the house-which house? It's just too much for one person to do at once. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clematis Posted July 16, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 16, 2016 My house is partly painted, and everything is falling into line. Most of my old furniture is not out on the carport or outside end of the garage, waiting to be "re-homed". Saturday, Monday and Tuesday to finish painting. Maybe Wednesday as well. Appliances arrive on Wednesday. Carpet gets laid on Thursday. Next Friday through the next Monday I'll probably do some packing of my stuff at my dad's into boxes...getting ready to move. Tuesday July 26, the rug cleaners bring the persian rug back and Wednesday the 27 is moving day; I have a truck with a ramp reserved and about five people - at least three men - lined up to help. There are things that are apparently very difficult to get rid of - like refrigerators and used beds, even if they are in good shape. Anyway, I have been working hard at finding new homes for these things, by either giving them away or selling them for very little. It's a huge relief to finally be getting rid of these large items, and getting the painting done and whatnot... But I am so....tired! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted July 16, 2016 Report Share Posted July 16, 2016 You should be tired, Laura! You've been going non-stop, and you must be exhausted. I hope you get a good night's sleep tonight . . . and as my father always used to say as he kissed me goodnight, 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clematis Posted July 16, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 16, 2016 42 minutes ago, MartyT said: You should be tired, Laura! You've been going non-stop, and you must be exhausted. I hope you get a good night's sleep tonight . . . and as my father always used to say as he kissed me goodnight, Thank you so much, Marty! And I loved the picture of the roses. I am exhausted...physically and mentally. Nevertheless, I'm getting it done. The condo association property manager called me today to ask about the furniture in my carport covered in a blue tarp, and how long it was going to be there. I was standing next to a calendar and quickly gave her the lineup of dates. She said, that's a really tight schedule. I was concerned that she'd be upset, but she said, "no, that's great! It's perfectly fine." What a relief! I even got rid of the mattress set, which is tough since you can't tell used mattresses. You're supposed to haul them to the landfill. It's hard to even give them away. I hated to do that when I know there are people in town who are sleeping on much worse because they have nothing. So I had this idea. There is a tiny trailer park in the middle of Sedona where guys line up in the morning hoping for day jobs. The mobiles there are tiny and a queen set probably wouldn't fit, but I thought they probably had friends or relatives elsewhere. So I took pictures last night & we hauled them out to the carport last night. This morning I printed it out a couple of times and took the lousy prints from my home printer, along with my iPad over there and showed them to the guys. Most of them don't speak much English, but they called some guys over who did, and they all shook their heads and said their trailers were too small. I gave them the prints, with my phone number on the back and suggested maybe they knew someone else. I had a guy named Juan calling me within 20 minutes, and he came over with his 11-yr old son. It was great. He's going to take my refrigerator when my new one comes too! I also delighted a couple from Williams with four children by selling them a solid wood table and six chairs for $50. Natural finish top and painted white legs... hard to tell who was happier-me or them! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clematis Posted July 16, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 16, 2016 My poor cat Lena is getting confused and concerned about what is going on (we're in the middle of moving - back to our old house, except it will have new carpeting and paint and the rug will have been cleaned, so it will all smell different than it did before, but all the furniture will smell familiar when it gets over there. I think she'll be ok but she's getting a little nervous, I think. I think it was really quite a feat to figure out how to do all of this, and no one could really help me. Lots of people had some piece of a plan but nothing to go with it. Several people told me I just needed to get a storage unit. (For my stuff or his? And then what?) My younger sister told me, "Well you just need a plan" as if that settled it. I had a plan, but she didn't want to hear about it.Personally I thought it was a great plan from the start-by living at my dad's house I had a safe place for Lena and I while my house was being painted, carpeted, sorted through, etc-a place with a decent kitchen and everything else while I worked on my own place. All along, as I found items I didn't want to lose, I would take them over to my dad's house rather than box them up. I heard a line in a book where the author said that one of the worst decisions you can ever make is to try to live in your house while you are renovating it. To me it seemed that it would be really bad to move in there right before the start of the beginning of the school year and have no idea where anything was. People kept challenging me on this...why are you taking these things over to your dad's house when you'll just have to move it back? But to me that sounded like, "How about if we just take everything you own and hide everything where you have no idea where anything is and then toss you into the school year working in new schools and see if you totally sink, lose your job and never work again because you screw everything up so badly, or if you can figure out how to unpack an entire garage of mystery boxes in a week without totally trashing the house to a point where you're back to living in chaos?" I'm not sure how anyone would think I could have survived living in a state of grief and recovering from a car accident and concussion while living in a construction zone and digging through a storage unit in the 100 degree heat every day while I watched family antiques and other things get wrecked in that heat. And why would I throw a huge additional suffering on myself like that if I didn't have to, and could live in an air conditioned house with real furniture and a kitchen while I limped through it all. Would anyone who cared about me try to push me into that? Probably a good thing I haven't talked to my sisters all summer, since they don't care... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clematis Posted July 17, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 17, 2016 This week we finish the painting and the fridge, microwave, and blue carpeting will come in. After agonizing over the expense and other issues for six months, I finally decided to replace his memory foam mattress with a new one. The existing one doesn't really smell, but he was incontinent in to and I know that goes into the foam and never comes out. I finally decided to bite the bullet and replace it. I feel like I am hemorrhaging money. One of my helpers has asked me several times if I am happy to see the painting getting done and the process moving along. I am most grateful to my friends, but happy? More like terrified and can't stop crying. My dad's home that I have loved is about to disappear. Of course, it will pretty much reappear in a mirror image, spruced up and mingled with my stuff. but that all seems unreal. I keep thinking that once the blue carpeting goes down and Lena and I have a good roll around on it, I may feel better... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clematis Posted July 18, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 18, 2016 I can't believe that I am about to dismantle my dad's house...I just miss him so much and fear that all the lingering feelings of the good times we had together at his house will be gone when his house no longer looks like his house. It may be that it is ok once it is reassembled in a mirror image on a blue carpet at my own condo, but I don't know that. I keep thinking about the six or so months that went by after he bought his condo before he actually moved out to Arizona. I spent the summer painting his garage...it seems like it took all summer. Maybe it did, only working on it in the cooler part of each day. But I remember so clearly being here in his empty condo and wondering if he would ever come. I was so afraid that he would die before he ever saw the garage floor I was painting blue for him with love and mixing in sand so he wouldn't slip out there. Then I spent ten years worrying about him dying, and him making jokes about it. Me: "Why didn't you answer the phone? I was afraid you were dead!" Dad: "No, sorry-not today!" Ten years of scares and the incredible relief that always followed. And now he's gone and it's been six months and I still can't really believe that it's true... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clematis Posted July 21, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 21, 2016 Recovering from from most recent blow to the head while working 12 hours a day. Painting condo is almost done. Carpet installation people due any minute. Juggling so many things it's hard to keep track. Moving next week and have no plan. If I move the small stuff first, it will be in the way of moving the big pieces into my own condo when I bring over the big pieces. It seems impossible to try to move the big stuff first because all the little stuff is in the way. Hard to figure out with current problems planning and sequencing due TBI from cars accident. On the plus side, my younger sister called me yesterday and was very nice. Both sisters were so awful I haven't tried reading out to the younger since late March and the older one since late May (after the car accident-so we talked about it). Older sister actually said "no contact until the dust settles". Older sister never told younger sister about car accident - tho they talk and visit each other frequently. Younger sister seemed dismayed that she had no idea I had been in a car accident and that I have spent the entire summer grappling with this enormous job with a head injury, while grieving. First acknowledgement from either sister that I actually had anything to grieve. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 22, 2016 Report Share Posted July 22, 2016 Well I guess acknowledgement is the first step (sister). Hoping it gets better. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clematis Posted July 22, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 22, 2016 Thanks, Kay! It was a relief to hear some compassion and concern from her. I am SO exhausted. Tonight was the second day in a row when I worked on the house most of the day from about 8 in the morning until 11:30 at night. A couple of other days in the last week were close. Anyway, it's mostly painted and tonight the carpeting was completed. Now I can start on actually planning to move (back into my own house) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 22, 2016 Report Share Posted July 22, 2016 You should feel good that you've accomplished so much! It's getting there! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clematis Posted July 23, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 23, 2016 I am stupefied with exhaustion, and have really no concept how I will get my stuff and my dad's stuff and my dad's furniture moved over to my own condo.It's really overwhelming, and it seems like so far everything has been more difficult and taken longer than I thought it would take. I really feel like I am trapped in hell with no escape. Then again, yesterday and the day before I worked from 8:00am until 11:30pm on the painting/carpeting/moving project. Perhaps after a long sleep tonight I will feel more energized and full of ideas... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 23, 2016 Report Share Posted July 23, 2016 You're on an exhausting schedule with a head injury to boot. No wonder you feel exhausted! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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