Shock and Awe after two years...

[Eagle-96]

11 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

I visited my Dad today and brought dinner to share Spaghetti (two types). I found out that some of his kidney function is off and he will be seeing a nephrologist (kidney doctor) next week.It is setting off triggers of the first time I took Rose Anne to the nephrologist. My Dad is getting more confused and weaker.

Also, my Dad's cataract surgery for his right eye is tomorrow morning.  My sister is taking him and will be with him all day.  I have a full work schedule the rest of the week. - Shalom   

So sorry for this George. I pray that everything will be ok with your dad.

I had a trigger like this yesterday. I was visiting one of Lori and my friends in the hospital. He has multiple blood clots in his arm and is having a catheter procedure this morning to remove them. As we were visiting I heard the intercom scream out the words nobody wants to hear, "Code Blue in the Cath Lab. Code Blue in the Cath Lab". For those that don't know, Code Blue means that someone is crashing/coding and all available staff need to rush to the location. It brought back the memories I had with Lori in the Cath Lab(all the hope that she is in there they are placing stents and she can make it). Only to be crushed when they called a Code Blue to her room. My heart instantly sank yesterday when they called the Code Blue for someone I've never met but know that a family was most likely just beginning this painful journey.

[Margm]

2 minutes ago, Eagle-96 said:

but know that a family was most likely just beginning this painful journey.

Eagle, we see all the terror attacks and think about the many families that are in the throes of what we all have gone through and my granddaughter gets afraid to get outside.

Last night the London born, TV's Late Night with James Cordon host, showed that Londoner's, UK population would not let these terrorists dominate them and they would all live a life without fear, it was a TV show that helped my granddaughter.  

Eleanor Roosevelt said “You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”  I once had this pasted to my PC that I worked on because I would get so scared of learning new programs.  It helped me back in those younger days.  I know this quote so well, it has meant so much to me in the past, but somehow now, quotes do not reach through my grief impaired brain.  I wish they could.  

[Eagle-96]

3 minutes ago, Marg M said:

Eleanor Roosevelt said “You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”  I once had this pasted to my PC that I worked on because I would get so scared of learning new programs.  It helped me back in those younger days.  I know this quote so well, it has meant so much to me in the past, but somehow now, quotes do not reach through my grief impaired brain.  I wish they could.  

Marg,

I see exactly what you are saying and it reminds me of a thought I have had over the last few weeks. We hare surviving(as best we can) the most difficult thing we will likely ever go through. We are each at different points along this horrible journey and we are surviving it. We are doing it with each others advice, love, and assistance. It gives me a small sliver of hope that if I can navigate this swamp then I can do anything. Thanks for posting that.

[iPraiseHim]

TRY...

 

[Margm]

I saw that on FB, or somewhere.  I think I give in to my frailties where someone else will take something that makes them weak and use that as their strength.  I admire that so much.  I admire your love for your family George and your going out of your way to be attentive to them.  I have put flowers on my mom and dad's grave, but I don't think I was that good a daughter.  I still have not cried for my mom and she and Daddy did not have an instruction book on how to raise a difficult daughter like me.  Nor did I have one for my kids.  We all flew by the seat of our pants and did not do what we felt was wrong with our own raising.  Billy's folks never said "I love you" to each other at all.  Billy would not let me leave the house without saying it and if I forgot, I knew to come right back home and say it.  That tickled him.  He had his sister saying it right before he passed.  I cannot talk to his sister nor she to me yet without crying, so we just don't talk.  She is the only one left of that family and we went to see her in New Mexico once a year and she would come back here once a year.  Some things get lost if not tended to.  

[kayc]

George, any updates? 

Re the above posts, this is good discussion, all of it.  We will never forget when Code Blue was called for OUR person, and we'll never look at it quite the same again, that's for sure.  But I also love what Marg shared about the Londoners, I too was struck by their refusal to let it change them, those are some strong people!  Courage is not the absence of fear, but proceeding in the face of it.  I think we've all witnessed that lately with the terrorist attacks.  And the three men that rushed to the defense of two teenage girls in Portland OR, two of them giving their very lives for it, the third one injured, they all laid their personal lives on the line for someone they didn't know, that is courageous.

[iPraiseHim]

My Dad's second cataract surgery went well.  He can read the scrolling banner at the bottom of his TV without glasses.

Today was my first  full day on the LCHF (KETO) food plan and i am in ketosis.  This means that my body is burning my body fats as fuel.  I find myself drinking more water and increase my salt intake as you lose both on this way of eating (WOE).

My sister apparently is thoroughly frustrated with work, husband, dealing with Dad,  that she informed me tonight that

"I NEED TO STEP UP AND HELP HER!"

I was caught totally off-guard by her comments. I promptly got off the phone so I wouldn't say anything I would regret later.

apparently she feels she is doing all of the work, worry and concern and I just can not hear and understand her frustration.

She let me know Tuesday about Dad's kidney doctor appointment but it is at a date & time that my client is inflexible to change.  If the appointment is changed, it could be another couple of months until my Dad gets another appointment. My sister's husband does not work but he now says he will not be able to take my Dad.  It is my sister's last day of work and she can not take off either... so I get blasted. Grrr....

Later tonight, she called and wanted to talk but I'm still so mad that I mostly just listened.  I told her I didn't ever expect her to talk to me in this way and she just says she is so frustrated... She never apologized.

I have never refused to help and I asked her what does she expect me to do that I am not doing that is causing her this frustration. She didn't have an answer.

She is planning three trips this summer with travel times between five days and two weeks in duration.

Isn't it amazing that unspoken expectations can stir up such feelings and emotions? 

Now I need to get some sleep.  Another long day of work. - Shalom

[Widowedbysuicide]

George I think your sister is ungrateful.  She has become very reliant on you.  You are a very generous and compassionate person and you deserve to be appreciated more than this kind of behaviour.  I wish you were my brother, I've never had one but I sure think you would be great!

I hope you can work things out so that you are appreciated and so that your sister becomes aware of all you do for family.

[kayc]

George,

I am so sorry that you were the target of your sister's venting.  I have a friend who has a dying uncle that is abusing her and ordering her around and ranting/raving at her.  I've told her to set boundaries and adhere to them.  She feels guilty for feeling as she does because he is dying.  Dying doesn't mean you can treat others horribly.  We're in different states so all I can do for her is listen, which she says helps her tremendously, but I wish I could be there for her tangibly.  I wish that for you too.  Sometimes I wish I wasn't so far away from everyone I care about and this is one of those instances...I wish I was there to take your dad to his appt.  Is there a friend or neighbor, someone from church that could step up to the plate?  You do have to earn a living and being self-employed you don't get "sick leave" like others that work.  It helps to get some notice so you can plan.  Your sister should understand that if you tick a client off, you can lose that client and thus, business/earnings.  Our church is wonderful about helping with rides to/from doctors, even though it can take most of the day due to the distance, I would think any church would have someone that would help.

[Eagle-96]

George,

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Caring for parents can be difficult and was sometimes a source of frustration between Lori and her sister. Her sister lived in the same town as my MIL and we were two hours away. My MIL doesn't drive due to memory issues and so if anything was needed Lori's sister was in town and five minutes from my MIL house and a lot of things fell on her to do. To top it off, my MIL has issues stemming from lack of oxygen from her heart attack many years ago. These can cause her to lash out and she has little short-term memory and it is sadly out of her control. So Lori's sister had a great deal of pressure with caring for my MIL with very little thanks from my MIL. It caused friction between her and Lori. I hope you two can work it out.

[Gin]

George, Sorry things are so rough right now.  I have always had the opinion that you have been so helpful to your father AND your sister.  

 

[iPraiseHim]

Thanks everyone. 

I know I'm not perfect and I have reviewed the conversation most of the day at work.  I love my sister but I do not like some of her ways.  She is manipulative and passive-aggressive when it comes to get her way. She plans and schemes and just expects other to do what she says. We had a run in earlier when she decided it would be best to spend my Birthday watching Dad. She was concerned about his falling, etc.. However the cataract surgery was early in the morning, light anesthesia, there were no doctors order or even suggestions. My sister put all kinds of suggestions and discussions trying to get me to buy into her worries.  I saw Dad the day of the surgery and I was prepared to stay over but Dad didn't need or want me to.  I think this is what has been bugging her since.

My sister has taken Dad to both of his cataract surgery's and followup appointments.  Her work grants her family leave to take care of Dad with no loss in pay.

I decided I would contact my client and ask to switch their cleaning day so I can take my Dad to the kidney doctor on Thursday.  They agreed.  I let my Dad know I would be taking him and called my sister to get the relevant information.  She still doesn't understand why i got so upset because on Tuesday, I said, "I would like to take my father if my schedule permitted it?"

My sister's real concern is that she will be traveling out of town on three different trips over the summer and she is just not sure that I would call Dad daily, check on him, and even buy him food if he needs it. ( I have done this for the last two years!)

Her words cut deep and went way over-bound. My perception and belief about our relationship is severely tested.  Her parting words were, " You act like this is just a job for you".

I am hurt.  I will be praying, seeking Wisdom, and work on restore my personal peace.  I am still grieving about Rose Anne.  I sure do miss my bride.  We could talk about this. - Shalom

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry, George, that this is happening between you and your sister. Please don't let her "guilt" you into doing her bidding. Remember that she cannot make you feel guilty (or any other way) without your consent.

14 minutes ago, iPraiseHim said:

Her work grants her family leave to take care of Dad with no loss in pay.

Exactly. You do not have that luxury, and your sister ought to know better.

[Widowedbysuicide]

Your sister hasn't a clue George.  You got all the compassion and she got you.  Me thinks she got the best deal. 

I think you are a gem.  I definitely would love to have a family member who has even 1% of your understanding and compassion.  Your beautiful bride would be so unhappy seeing you treated so poorly.

My naughty self said to tell you that your sister might get the message if you told her that if her attitude and behaviour don't improve you are going to trade her in for a better sister.  My nice self says that I should not encourage naughty behavior.  I do hope she wakes up some morning soon and realises how great you are towards her and your Dad.  ?

Be well George, sending hugs and prayers.

 

[kayc]

George,

It sounds like she's judging you and trying to place HER thinking on you.  She doesn't have that right.  Your dad is fortunate and I hope his appt. goes well and that it's not too much of a hardship for you to have had to switch your client's time around.

[Margm]

George, I have one sister.  I am nearly nine years older than her.  I fussed at her one time after we were grown and she cried.  I will never fuss at her again.  No, she is not right all the time.  Her education has made her where when she talks, it is more of a different language than the rest of us.  One friend rode back home with her from a state meeting in the capital and he told my husband he did not understand one word of what she said.  Yet, that little sister of mine worked for over 20 years in a department of state government that took children away from bad parents.  I would talk to her at night and could hear the tinkle of ice in the glass.  The horrible circumstances she found those children in led her to drinking to forget.  She lived alone in the French Quarter in a very nice place.  So alone.  She entered herself into a rehab and we could not see her or hear from her for a long time and then she attended AA meetings religiously.  She and Mama helped her complete more education to teach in colleges and then all of a sudden she was stuck taking care of our mother for 11 years.  I give her leeway, but as much education as she has, it does not help her live in this world by herself as disabled as she is.

Your sister sounds like she has heard the footsteps heavy behind her.  And, being one of two siblings, it is hard on both of you.  I did not do near enough to help my sister.  I lived too far away, but we were moving down here when Billy passed away.  Too little, too late.  Your sister has her husband to depend on also, but maybe she feels she is taking care of him also.  We were called the hamburger generation.  We were the meat in the middle stuck between grown children and aging parents.  Your mind is clear that you have done as much as you can and if your sister cannot see that, then you did right in not discussing or fussing about it.  She might be totally unreasonable because, like I said, she has heard the footsteps heavy behind her, and you have lived without your mate when she still has hers.  Life seems so unfair sometimes.  I admire you for not fussing with her.  Sometimes we females have too much to say..............yep.

[iPraiseHim]

In the past month, I have been do a lot of study and research on the LCHF (KETO) way of eating. I have tried many different food plans.  I have been cutting out processed foods, and eating more natural REAL foods.   This way of eating has been around for over a hundred years.  Many athletes have switched to this way of eating. Each person needs to decide for themselves what is best. Many doctors are prescribing it for their patients. 

So, this week I have followed this plan and have experienced some good results.

Yesterday, my Dad fixed pinto beans and cornbread and asked if I wanted to come over and eat with him.  Although the meal is high in carbs, I prefer the experience of sharing a meal with my Dad. What is so amazing about this way of eating is that I truly am not hungry.

When my sister found out I was going to my Dad's , she wanted me to stop by because she wanted to ask me a few questions???  I reluctantly, went over and we had a long talk.  She has not apologized and really believes her point of view.  Then she asked me if I would tell her if something is really wrong with  Dad or would I just hide it from her. I told her I was deeply hurt and she went over a boundary a couple of days ago and I will not tolerate it.   I even reversed the roles and asked her why she wouldn't take off from work on the last day, isn't Dad more important?  She did not get it.  

I have done much prayer and soul searching to see if maybe there is a log in my eye about this but I really cannot see it.  She tries to manage and manipulate situations to get her way. I just didn't see how much and to what extent until now. 

SO I will be civil, cordial and polite. I will do my best to take care of my Dad but as everyone knows here, we have no control over when a person dies.  We cherish each moment of each day, not in fear but in the hope that they know how much we love them.

My father and I have had a tumultuous relationship in the past.  I have seen him change over time and especially these last couple of years. I just want to honor him and take care of him in a loving, humble way. 

Thank you everyone, for listening, caring, and sharing.  I am lifted up.  - Shalom

[Widowedbysuicide]

Boy I would love a chance to talk to your Sister.  She has had it so good for soon long that she believes your generosity in time and heart are just a given.  She needs to realise that you are doing far more than many siblings do for each other, And for an elderly parent in a time when you are grieving your beloved wife.  She has taken so much for granted for so long that she doesn't understand that it might be too much for you and that you are entitled to live your own life first.  You have suffered enough pain and grief.  I am sad she didn't open her eyes and her heart and hear what you were saying.

If I could talk to her I would not be mean to her.  I would give her an example of your situation and claim it as my own.  Likely she would say that my sibling wasn't very understanding and that I deserved better.  I wish I could help.

Take care George.  You are so important to so many of us here please know we see the truth in your situation.  Big, big ???????

[kayc]

George,

I'm sorry you're going through this with your sister.  Sometimes, try as we might, we can't get something across to someone else because they don't want to see it.  We can't change people, but we can set boundaries and stick by them and ensure they're adhered to.  I got lots of practice with this with my mom.  My siblings and I have been pretty supportive with each other over our decisions, we basically let each other make the decisions that are right for us and we back each other in it.  I do have one sister that likes to tell everyone else what to do, that gets annoying sometimes, it's hard to get her to back off.  She does what she does in love but that doesn't necessarily make it easier to live with.  Another sister is beginning dementia and her thought processes are getting way off, she says inappropriate things.  Sometimes we forget that it's the changes in her that are behind this and it can really aggravate us when she says inappropriate things or responds inappropriately but then I have to remind myself, it's not her speaking, it's the dementia.  I have a brother that is an absentee, he's basically always been but we were in touch more when going through my mom's dementia and end of life...once the funeral was over, we don't hear from him anymore.  Distant Facebook friends.  But that's okay, it's his choice.  He's adopted his wife's family as his own and doesn't seem to need or want us in his life.  But by and large, us sisters are there for each other (five girls, one boy).  I've felt very fortunate because I sure didn't luck out in the parents department!

I'm glad things are better between you and your dad and that you were able to share a meal with him.  And congratulations on the diet and finding something that works for you!  I wrote down the name of it and will have to look it up.

[iPraiseHim]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

5 hours ago, kayc said:

George,

... I wrote down the name of it (LCHF- KETOGENIC) and will have to look it up.

 

There are several videos available If you are looking for the simplest plan to follow i would watch:

If you are looking for more Dr. guided and stricter then you can watch:

I have watched many videos from several different people.  Some are purist. I prefer a simple plan that I can do and I try to incorporate all of the guidelines.  I can put up more links if you are interested.  FYI I just used the KETO test strips ( urine) to make sure my body is making ketones and adjust my food plan accordingly.  20 carbs or less each day, moderate protein and higher healthy natural fats.  - Shalom

[iPraiseHim]

I'm having trouble sleeping tonight.  My Sister sent me my Dad's urinalysis lab reports and the numbers are alarmingly high. I am doing my best to practice what I speak but I'm having difficulty tonight. I wonder if it is better not to know what is ahead?  I do still remember that there are things in life beyond my control.  - Shalom 

[kayc]

I'm sorry, George, I know it's hard to get news like this.  I know no way other than to take life as it comes.  I sure wouldn't want to have advance notice on everything that's going to hit in my life, it's hard enough one thing at a time.  Let's hope for the best and keep praying.

[Widowedbysuicide]

?

[iPraiseHim]

Grief Trigger...

They can happen when you least suspect it.  It's almost 28 months ( I finally stopped counting the weeks and days) since my beloved wife died.

I  am cleaning a home that the wife is on Oxygen for her lung conditions.I noticed the 50 foot hose is all kinked up and offered to take the kinks out and recoil it for her.  As I am disconnecting the long hose and connecting the shorter cannula , I notice that the ends of the oxygen hose have been improved so they don't "accidentally" pop off.  ( I suspect that is what happened to my wife when I was away. Her eyesight was so limited and she was so weak... I was away at work). I was fine then.  Later, when I was cleaning her room these wave of emotions, thoughts,"what ifs", flooded my mind. I started having trouble breathing just like the initial stages of grief. 

After, prayer and thinking about, I realize that all of this thought and speculation still doesn't change the fact that my wife died.  So, i need to let go of the "WHY" and accept life how it is now. 

Tomorrow, I will be taking my Dad to see the Nephrologist (kidney Doctor).  Parts of his memory is still fragmented and fuzzy.

One day at a time, we march forward.  - Shalom 

[Margm]

George, it took me so long not to see Billy's "death mask."  I could close my eyes and there it was.  The reason I jump out of bed (I should not say jump, I slide gently out of bed) instead of laying there.  But, my Billy had an ego as big as Alaska.  My last view of him, my last memory of him being his death mask, if he was alive it would totally drive him crazy.  So, I have had to get rid of that, just to please him.  

I'm sorry we all have conflicts.  Took Bri to new clinic and they have 12 doctors there at all times.  This was a very satisfactory visit.  She does not want any more counselors, and I am going to go with her feelings on this.  I don't want anymore counselors either.  Marty is plenty enough.  You all are plenty enough, for me.  

As Kevin said from RF:  ............It goes on.