"Grieving people are annoying"

[Quiksand]

That is the impression I've been getting from people of various ages and statuses, based on observations made of people currently in my life.

Not a week had passed since my mother was gone after a long and torturous illness, where most people were already showing signs of wanting me to move on with life. Or more like to stop pestering them with the notion alone that I'd lost someone. Their behaviour towards me in the following weeks emphasized that attitude greatly.
They do not consider at all how I am exhausted after the fight, how I am now living alone in a house full of memories, how I need to take care of bureaucracy while taking care of myself, how I am hurting over the loss of someone I loved more than life itself. How I haven't been sleeping or eating properly for the past month because of nightmares and stress. Those things don't matter.
What they do consider and what the deal-breaker is for them is that in this mere month, I haven't found a job (despite it being holiday season on top of everything else), that I'm still wearing black and looking upset, that I'm "isolating myself" and not "actively seeking company", that I'm not calling them every other day to check how they are doing in their routine life.

This attitude lead them to not only show no understanding towards me, but to be, simply put, flat out hostile. I've been called out for not getting over it. I've been publicly accosted by acquaintances. While I was sitting at a bar the other day minding my own business, some former friends approached my table and started to bother me with "dude why are you so sad all the time" until it erupted into a loud argument which ended up with them ridiculing me in front of the whole bar saying things like "so what your mum died, get over it" and "look at him what a sissy" and that I, verbatim, should go f myself with my sorrow. Grown up people might I add, and the bar was almost cheering.
Even the psychiatrist who specialised in grieving that I went to made it more than clear that his main goal was to make money off of me, since he didn't take my case seriously.

When it comes to family, most family members just left me for dead, others maintain minimal contact. My closest relative here, when I approached him for some help with documents, after providing said help started lecturing me loudly in front of his subordinates on how I haven't done anything productive in the past month, "sitting on my a** doing nothing" and wasting time and money. He thought the little money I inherited was undeserved and I shouldn't have gotten it. He ended his speech by calling me a useless inept loser and a lost cause. In front of his workers, who found it amusing.
There are only 3 people I can actually talk to about all of this and who I know will understand and respect what I say. But as for the rest... it seems that by just minding my own business and trying to get over such a loss, I'm annoying them. People are genuinely irritated, weirded out and almost disgusted by the fact that I'm grieving over a loss and they get a gist of it.

Is this the general attitude these days, the social norm? If someone dies, you have to get over it as fast as possible and return to a normal life, and god forbid you as much as mention being in sorrow lest you get weird looks?

Are grieving people really that annoying to everyone around them?

[kayc]

Drivers that cut you off are annoying.

People who only think of themselves are annoying.

Telemarketers calling at dinnertime can be annoying.

But grievers are not annoying.  We have a society that is thin-skinned.  They seem to have little tolerance for others.  When we should bear one another's burdens, where are they?  Where is empathy?  Where is being steadfast, stalwart, "standing by the stuff" (an old sermon I heard 35+ years ago that stayed with me).  We need people who rise to the occasion, who sit with us, who dare not desert us, people who care.

We may not be able to do anything about the rest of the world, but we can start with us.  WE can be that person to others for the rest of our lives.  We can learn from our own grief journey, what it is we needed, and give it to others.  Sit with them.  Listen.  Care.  

(And I'm glad you are confronting them.  A little guilty conscience might do them some good.  That is if they are not beyond help)

[kvolm]

First let me say I am sorry that your mother had to suffer through illness at the end of her life.  It is so difficult to watch this happen to any person that you love.  It is truly disheartening to hear that you are experiencing such insensitive treatment from others.  Yes, other people do move on and that is natural but there could not be any reasonable explanation for others to treat you badly.  Do you feel that you have any supportive family or friends?

[scba]

 http://www.timjlawrence.com/blog/2016/3/23/wallowing

Grievers are not annoying nor wallowing. That is one of my fav posts about, from Tim Lawrence's blog.  

[kayc]

Ana, I've seen that before, that was great.

[Quiksand]

@kayc Thank you for your reply. I absolutely agree with you. Lately, people seem to shun away from anything they deem "negative", and more and more people seem to be absolutely unable to handle any non-superficial emotions, even if it means offending and hurting another person. I'm just afraid that standing up to most of those people might be pointless, since you can't guilt those without a conscience or heart. So yea, sticking together seems to be the best course of action.

@kvolm Thank you, Kvolm. I can't truly understand why I'm being treated that way either. Luckily, I do have a few supportive people in my life, but I could count those people on one hand. It's getting increasingly harder to talk to them about things that bother me, cause I'm starting to feel like a burden. I'd rather keep to myself. It helps that I've developed a strong denial and repressed most hurtful memories, all while abstaining from any sort of substances; I just hope that I can repress it long enough until I find a healthy outlet...

@scba This. So many times this. This is such an accurate article and such a brilliant description of what I and most grieving people are terrified of. And I feel it so hard, too. So many people treating me like I'm enjoying the state I'm in and expect all the pity in the world to fuel my ego. It's so ignorant.

[Quiksand]

Here is also another wonderful article worth reading. This author nails it. http://www.timjlawrence.com/blog/2016/1/24/grieving-people-arent-stupid

[MartyT]

"Learning the art of doing nothing and being everything with a grieving person is one of the most selfless gifts of service we can provide to others in this life."

Yes. Amen. Thank you for sharing, Quiksand. Terrific article. ♥

[kayc]

20 hours ago, scba said:

 http://www.timjlawrence.com/blog/2016/3/23/wallowing

Grievers are not annoying nor wallowing. That is one of my fav posts about, from Tim Lawrence's blog.  

I have this particular article saved in my bookmarks, it is a really good one.

[kvolm]

I applaud your resolve to take a substance free approach.  It seems that to give in to the substances does very little to aid one in the process of either grieving or healing.  Yet it can be so very tempting when you are at a low or tired or weary point.  

I am glad to hear that you do have a few trusted and supportive people in your life.  I definitely understand that feeling of not wanting to become burdensome to them so hopefully we make every effort to give as much as we take in those relationships.  I hope you will not try to pull away too completely from these relationships as we all do need the support of some real-life community.  

I appreciated the article you shared.  I was not familiar with this blog.  Are there other bloggers/authors you are reading for insight and encouragement?

[Sandra M.]

Here's an article I really like.

I'm new here and still navigating around the web site, so I hope this is a good forum for this post.

https://whatsyourgrief.com/continuing-bonds-shifting-the-grief-paradigm/

 

 

[kayc]

That's a perfect place for it!  And I love the old lady daring people, funny!

[Tachi]

I'm sorry you have to go thru this. people can be really callous and dumb. I think maybe they are afraid to face and understand what you're going thru and their hearts are just hardened. Good that you have a few friends  to talk to. I have lost people before, friends and close relatives. But last friday I lost Mom, my best freind of 60 years.  I knew it was coming one day and that being home it would be rough, but tbh I was not prepared to be shattered. I think that in this culture we just want to ignore death and grief. Maybe people just dont want to think of the inevitable. But the fact is that everyone will lose someone close at some point and know what you're going through. Those who havent experienced have no idea what it's like. I moved home 3 years ago and went unemployed at new years so i got to spend alot of time with my folks. I am now gratefull for that circumstance.  I feel very sorry for those people who have given you troubles. Either they have hearts of stone or they have no clue and will one day go through what you have. I have been reading the past few days and trying to understand. I read what needs to happen but not how to do it except give it time. You give it whatever time you need my friend. there's no timeframe. It wont go away but with time it will hurt less and less and you keep all your fond memories. The pain may be bittersweet but as my dad told me, Mom would scold us for feeling bad. She is somewhere better than this world and for that i'm gratefull. 

 What seems really odd to me is that for as advanced as this modern culture of ours is, it seems we have lost our humanity. In the tribe or clan they would understand the passing and have the rituals but also gather around the survivors and grieve with them and support them. they understood and it was important to help that person.  Stick close to those who will hope and of course you have us on here. Dont let the heartless get you down. They just dont understand. 

Do what you need to do and take care of yourself. One day maybe they will need you, and you will understand and be able to comfort them.