marsha

Walt - my heart went out to you when I read your post. I hestitated to reply - what could I say to you, what words of wisdom? Ij'm only at 8 1/2 months and still trying to give myself advice. But when Marty posted, she said all of those things so beautifully that I wholeheartedly agree with. You're a very caring person, and your posts, sharing your feelings, have helped me so much. I just wish you peace in this "winter" stage of your journey. Marsha

I'm praing for you today, too, Teny. I'm glad you could light a candle for Yiany in a place that was peaceful for you. Love, Marsha

Wendy, dear one, my thoughts are with you. I know Steve's love for you, and yours for him, are in your heart, and I hope this day is one filled with good memories. Love, Marsha

Your beloved husband died 3 weeks ago and people are telling you to snap out of it?? This just baffles me, and makes me angry for your sake. I'm very sorry for your loss, my friend, and you've made a good decision to post here. In the 5 months I've been on this site, the outpouring of feelings, support and advice has helped my heart and soul. Because even if we all grieve our loss so personally, there is a path towards recovery (for want of a better word) of ourselves that's universal. To share that makes me feel much less alone. My husband was diagnosed about this time last year with billiary duct cancer, and he died on July 1. To see what cancer does, first hand, is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. He, too, fought, and although I can't seem to stop reliving the nightmare, I also recognize his strength of will, and try to carry that within me daily. I find it also helps greatly to keep telling the story of our love and loss to those who are receptive. As far as others' "advice", you'll get to know which to take to heart and which to chuck out the window. Unless someone has been in this situation, frankly they don't know what they're talking about. Trust your own heart and gut, and come here if you need to vent. For now, please be gentle on yourself, and please continue to post. Peace, Marsha

Mossfire- i understand what you're saying about going back to "your former self". If you take that former self, and add to it what you learned through your marriage, you honor both yourself as a person and yourself as a loving wife to your husband. How could you lose him? He'll be in your heart forever, no matter what path you choose. My Joe was like yours and Kath's as well - there was never a dull moment! And I miss that more than anything. I had 28 years before I met him, and 24 years with him, and yet now struggle to find out exactly who I am by myself. I know and feel that I gave as much as I got in our marriage, but still there's that emptiness that's so hard to grasp. Among all my friends, I was the last to get married, and the first to get widowed. Sometimes it's hard to explain myself and what my grief entails - except for here, where I can. Mel - I read Joan Didion's book in one sitting - then read it over. I'm paraphrasing her thoughts, but when she said her husband's death changed her beliefs of sanity, luck, love, life...oh, that spoke to me so clearly. I was initially afraid to read it, but I'm so glad I did. I'm glad you found comfort in it, too. Peace, guys, Marsha

mrspapajohn- I am so sorry for the loss of your Stephen. I agree with the rest of the folks who posted. When things have to be decided, like "right now" (per the doctors), you make a decision, one that you feel that's best, because they're the experts, right? For us, Joe's cancer spread so fast, our heads were spinning. I had friends tell me, get a second opinion, but he was going down so fast. I really don't think anything you did, or didn't do, would have changed the outcome. Personally? I've come to the conclusion that doctors don't really know what to do half the time, except react to the situation. Joe was getting heavy IV antibiotics for a staph infection; he developed a bad cough, we went to see his oncologist who said, "use some Musinex". He had fungal pneumonia, and that's what actually killed him, a week later. I could tell by the oncologist's demeaner that he had given up on Joe. Screw him! I'm sorry to get off topic, but this opened up a lot of anger, because Joe was in so much pain. I remember feeling, just help him! But, ultimately, it was in G-d's hands. Peace, Marsha

Yeah, Kath, thanks! I was debating getting a dog, but after hearing your story, I'm thinking my checkbook couldn't take it! Kay, the bright light that is your heart and soul never ceases to amaze me. I've been following this post, but not having experience in what you're going through, hesitated to answer. But you have the ability to think through what you've gone through, and find some answers within you. I think you're great! Hugs, Marsha

Mel - do you absolutely have to drive to NM, or is it something you think you should do? Can it wait? I know I'm at 8 months and aside from work, and meeting and talking with friends sometimes, I don't want to leave my vicinity! I do understand what you mean about feeling emotions you never knew existed. This journey is something none of us had been through before, and I know for myself, I get blindsided sometimes. It's especially hard for you now because you're coming out of that numb stage, where the mind protects itself, into the knowledge of what is. Reality. I do now see some light at the end of that tunnel. Keep going, moment by moment, Mel, and when you think you can't, do what you can to get past that moment. Drugs, Sex - I"M KIDDING, GUYS! Ok, a cup of tea, and a hot bath, and for me, getting a massage. Hugs, Marsha

Happy Birthday, Mary Linda! I'm the world's worst at remembering birthdays. After 26 years, I still can't tell you exactly what day in August my SIL's b/day is! I'll respond here to your post on another thread about taking a meal to those who's anniversary/special day is coming up. What a lovely thought from a caring woman - Marsha

Oh, Kay, you're so great! This particular challenge was open to all and everything. We had vegetarian chilli, we had venison chilli, we had chicken, beef, sirloin, with and without beans - everything under the sun. I have to say, though, some were a little out there. I'm sure any Texan in his or her right mind would have been appalled! But ot's so much fun being a judge - I've done this half a dozen times before and I was glad I did it now, it got me out of my "cave". Now I'm angling to be a judge for the Chowder cookoff in two weeks! Hey, an afternoon out, free food, get to chat people up, and all the beer you can drink (although I don't drink beer, but it's the thought).

Thank you, Derek - I was wondering what Wendy's mom's status was. Wendy and Marcia will be in my prayers - Marsha

Teny - I traveled to Greece with 3 friends when I was 25 (a pretty long time ago!) I absolutely loved the country, the people, and most of all, the food! We would sit at a taverna (right spelling?) and have local wine, plates of wonderful cheese, olives, fish - you've brought back wonderful memories. Thanks, Teny! Love, Marsha

Jeanne - your post really resonated with me. I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry you're going through a rough time, but I do understand. On Sunday, I was feeling down myself - I had an idea what was going on, so I checked back and realized feb 22 was the day last year when joe went to the doctor - when his liver functions came back out of whack, and when this year of hell began for the both of us. I have friends and family who care for me, but I am very reticent about my grief. They see me working and going on, they are going on with their lives, and time passes. Only someone like you, in the same position, on the same time line, can understand what goes on inside our hearts. Please, if you want to express yourself, feel free to email me at marjoe@charter.net. In the meantime, know that i'm thinking of you! Hugs, Marsha

Back from the judging - it was fun, and I'm glad I was there. I have to say, there were some strange concoctions out there! Mary, I bow to the master, and I'll take your advice for my next batch. I just have to add something - again off topic - I was feeling very down this morning, and my intuition proved right. Today was the day a year ago when Joe went to the doctor, had blood tests taken, and found out that his liver was compromised. Today is the day our year from hell started. Once I realized it, at least I knew what I was feeling. It'll be ok. Love to you all, Marsha

Peggy - Although I can talk about my Joe more easily now, I find that I bring him up in casual conversation almost to remind people that he was here. And when someone now mentions him, it makes me feel good. I can't possibly put it any better than Wendy did - so right-on as to how our reactions were, (not are now) to others' grief. I also know that Joe's friends and family keep him in their hearts, but that ultimately it's my heart that will contain our love and our closeness. You aren't alone in your feelings and your pain, Peggy - it's understood here. Marsha

Ok, guys, so it seems we're all resting on our couches or where ever, because it's been real quiet here. I'm judging a chilli cookoff tomorrow - having done this before, I'll take my beano beforehand! My question to all of you is your secret ingredient for your world famous chilli. I'll go first. A pinch of cumin, get the meat well browned with onions and garlic,, before I put in the tomatoes and beans, and lots of hot peppers. Anyone next?? Hugs, Marsha

Kim - I'm glad you're hanging in, and you have a place to stay. When you last posted it sounded like all hell was breaking loose, and I kept you in my prayers. Love you too, Marsha

Fred - you have such a good soul. If you were an isolated workaholic at one point in your life, I sure don't see that person here! Your posts have always been full of thought, and an inspiration to me. I'm happy for you that you are moving forward. I'm sure it's taken a lot of hard work, and a lot of self searching to reach this point. Peace, and hugs - Marsha

Leeann - You are definitely not nuts. Years before my parents died, they sent my brother and myself detailed instructions on where their important papers were, who to contact, info on the plot, etc. Let me say that this information helped us so much in not having to deal with the angst of what to do - they had already given us their explicit instructions. My husband and I did all of our necessary paperwork as well, prompted by both of our parents' deaths. I never dreamed that 10 years later I'd be doing the same for my husband. Right after Joe died, I was paranoid about telling my friends to get a will together, POA, all that stuff. I think I drove a couple of THEM nuts. But when your family is in shock, having these resources is important. I think all of your ideas are right on. Kath - remember that your kids, young and strong, will be working, hopefully, supporting themselves. So don't think of your life insurance as something that will have to support them. As long as you have enough to pay for your funeral and outstanding debts, that minimally is a good start. The life insurance payments shouldn't be so high as to affect your own well being. Hopefully you'll be around for a good long time, love. Marsha

Teny - I agree with the other folks - it's worth a try, and indeed, you may find other kindred souls that may turn into friends. If it brings you down, you don't have to continue - but you may find it the other way around in that it will be positive and helpful to you. Don't know until you try, right? Love, Marsha

Happy birthday, Marty! I can't say it any better than Wendy - this forum has truly been a lifeline, and I'm grateful both to you and to all the wonderful people here - and p.s., happy birthday Shelley!! Love, Marsha

Happy belated birthday, my fellow Aquarian! Are you going to start counting birthdays backwards now, Mike? I know I am! Love, Marsha

Thanks, guys! You are all wonderful! Right in the middle of reading these messages, my monitor went completely blank. So I spent a half hour with a very nice man from Dell who forgave my ignorance on what a port was. But anyway, it was a good day (even if it was a full moon!) Love, Marsha

Annie - I am so sorry for the loss of your dear husband. The other ladies have shared a lot of wisdom, and they are so right about being able to come here and talk about anything. I understand what you're saying. My husband died on July 1, also after a brief, and futile, battle with cancer, and in some ways it is harder now than ever before. It wasn't that I didn't accept or understand why he died, but the reality of him gone forever has been hitting me very hard now. I don't get night sweats, but when I do wake up at about 1 am every night, my mind just races. "Monkey mind", my therapist calls it. I just want to hit the pause button, you know?? Please do continue to come here and share with us. Marsha

Temmie - your post brought tears to my eyes. How beautiful, open and sharing it was! My mother, brother and I were with my father when he died. He had a massive stroke, and when we took him off life support, just sat and held his hands and talked to him as he faded away. I did the same with my husband, 7 months ago - his two kids, our niece and I surrounded him, stroked him and talked to him until he took his final breath. What heartbreak - it's indescribable. From the seemingly bottomless well of my sorrow, I acknowledge and understand what you say - the simple things - help someone else, really listen to people when you sense their pain, try to forge forward in a positive way - all true. Thank you for sharing your feelings and thank you for helping me today - Peace, Marsha