shell

Thanks all of you for your comments. I just have to do what I think is the right thing, just like all of the rest of you. I think all of you are amazing and have been through so much and survived the pain and the horrible feeling of loss. Rosanne, I know too well what you are going through. When my mom was sick, I could keep up a little on my housework, because she was at home for the most part. But even then I was running from the minute I got up until I "passed out" at night! Now with my friend, I am trying to run two households and she is by nature not the neatest person. I'm a neat freak, so when I go over and see that she has taken all the hundreds of pictures she has out of the big box I put them in, and left them everywhere, I have to take a DEEP breath and not let it bother me! I'm trying to help her organize, but I think it's an impossible task...hahaha. Anyway, as long as she's happy, it doesn't really matter I guess. Maybe she'll make me more laid back and that might be good. I am trying to make more time for myself a little at a time, but it will take awhile since she just got here two weeks ago. I don't want her to feel abandoned or lonely. Thank God she has a cat she loves and wants another one as a playmate for him. So that helps a lot. We all just have to remind ourselves that we are doing the best we can and that is enough. Life has a funny way of "working out". It is going to do what it is suppose to and we don't always have control, but I guess we aren't suppose to. I don't know if that makes any sense, but it's a "theory" I'm beginning to believe in. All of you are doing great! Big, big hugs, Shell

Hi girls, I thought of all of you so often this Christmas. Wondering how everyone was doing and hoping we all made it through relatively sane! My latest news is that my best friend (who lived in Washington) of forty years has moved to my town. We haven't actually seen each other in 34 years, but kept in touch all these years and never lost that bond we had. The "ironic" part is that she has dementia. It started a couple of years ago and is fairly mild at this point. She recently got divorced and her kids wanted to put her in a home. Well, needless to say, she freaked out and said she wanted to come live near me. So we got her an apartment very close to where I live (about 3-5 minutes away, depending on how fast I drive...hahaha)and she loves it. She has been under enormous stress for years and I think being away from it all has helped. Soooo, I'm now back in the position of caregiver. I take her everywhere (she gave her daughter her car, which is good considering the situation) and help her clean her apartment and stuff. It's very strange that we would finally get to be in the same place again and that she would have dementia. I guess all the experience I had with dealing with it with my mom was for a reason? So, we're taking it one day at a time and seeing how it goes. It's been fun, but a little bit of a drain on my own time, but I couldn't have lived with myself if I had not stepped up to the plate to help her out. That's what real friends are for, afterall. Hope all of you will do a little better now that the holidays are over! Debbie, I haven't really "felt" my parents around either, so I know how you feel. However, I'm reading a book right now about this very subject and it seems, from research, that they usually "appear" in one way or another when you are in a crisis. You are in one now, but it may be later on in your life when that happens. Hang in there. Love and hugs to all of you, Shell

Cat, I've suffered from panic attacks for years and it does sound like that's what you're having. I struggled for years with them until I finally started taking an anti-depressant. Talk to your doctor about it, so you won't have to suffer through them. They are very scary and your doctor will decide what's best for you. Good luck. Hugs, Shell

Hi guys, Unfortunately, other people don't realize how we feel. I guess that's why we all grieve in private, so to speak. On the other hand, I sometimes think that some people try to cheer us up, thinking that if they don't mention our losses, and be merry around us, we'll feel better. I can understand, to a point, how others don't "remember" our current situation, but you would think family would! That's how we end up with our own little family here! Hugs to all, Shell Shubom, It was the same way with my brother and me. We exchanged gifts, but it was sort of sad. But we made it through and at least we had each other. I really feel for those that have no one, so I guess we have to look on the bright side of that. But I totally understood what you meant, about it being almost mechanical and sad that it was just the two of you. Hugs, Shell

Happy New Year to all of you! Hugs to all, Shell

Cat, The book I recommended is not religious and is based on "fact"...thousands of interviews with strict qualifications. Even though the title mentions Heaven, it is just used as a reference sort of. I understand where you are coming from as I have often thought the same thing. Like, what does it all mean in the end? And since I'm not religious in the traditional sense, I wonder if there is anything beyond this life, if some kind of Heaven exists. That's why the book is comforting, because all the stories about people who have had after death communications makes you almost have to believe there is something more after this life. But, honestly, it was just a suggestion, and I won't be offended if you don't read it. There are so many things in life we just will never know about possibly, and I guess this is one of them. It's very frustrating, isn't it? Hugs, Shell

Cat, I am reading a book recommended by one of our posters called Hello From Heaven and it is about after death communications. One of the things in the book that I found most comforting was that it seems loved ones we've lost may not contact you unless you are in a crisis. I, too, thought that my mom in particular would "contact" me in some way, give me signs, but so far nothing concrete. You might find this book comforting (and very interesting). Is life worth living? Interesting question....what other choice do we have? Other than ending it all, which can be an incredibly selfish act (in my opinion) for the ones you leave behind, that have to live with that, we just have to try to make our lives worth something, I guess. Hang in there. I know it's so tough right now, but it will get easier to cope with your grief down the line. Hugs, Shell

Hi Cat, I'm sorry for your loss. Sometimes people don't understand that losing a good friend can be just as devastating as a family member. Anyone who is part of your life makes a huge impact on your life. As Karen told you, we've all been through the same feelings and eventually they "ease" up. But it takes a long time and you will never be the same, but you will learn to cope with your feelings more easily. So hang in there and just feel what you feel....it's the only way to start to heal. Sometimes we feel stuck in our feelings, and we probably are, but the wheel will start spinning again, so to speak. You will move on a little. Hugs, Shell

Thanks, Lori. I think your wish for peace and joy to all of us is right on target. That's what we need the most! Hugs, Shell

Teresa, Thanks. I wish the same for you and your family. Not being able to control our emotions after a death is very normal, so don't worry about it at all. We all go through that, and still are, and for some of us it's been years since the death! So, just relax and know that this is ok. Merry Christmas, Hugs, Shell

Tracey, I'm sorry things are coming apart for you. The only thing I can say is to just give yourself the time to grieve and hug your little boxer. He is probably grieving too, so he needs you as much as you need him. Hang on tight to each other and give it time. Have you thought of going to a counselor or grief group? They help a lot and it might be good for you to look into that. A big hug to you and your puppy, Shell

William, Not crazy at all. It's a long story and I won't go into it, but I, too, still cling to someone who's not here anymore, who hasn't been in my life for twenty seven years (he died at a young age). So, I know where you are coming from and it's called love. True love. Cling for as long as you want. It is so hard to meet people, I know. But usually someone comes along,maybe not even in a romantic way, when we need them, so hang in there. And friendship can turn into romance sometimes. Big hugs, Shell

Merry Christmas to all of you, too. And, like Suzanne,who said it so well, I wish us all peace. I love our family here. And Marty, well, we all adore you! Big, big hugs to all of my family, Shell

Tracey, As much as you feel like ending it all, you just can't. Think of how badly your mom would feel to know that she was the cause of you taking your life. I suggest that you go the Humane Shelter and adopt a pet. That is if you really like animals and will take care of one. Being needed by one of those precious little beings is the greatest feeling in the world. It gives you something to think about besides your own grief and a reason to get up and keep going. Doing something for someone else gives us a reason to be here, at least that's the way I look at it. My mom helped so many people and I'm trying to do the same. Hang in there, sweetie. A big hug to you, Shell Annie, Wow, what a gift! I have some videos like that too and haven't looked at them yet, but I'm so relieved I have them. Someday I will get a huge box of tissues and sit down and watch them. They also have many of my babies that I've since lost, so that's going to be a double tear-jerker. I'm so happy for you that your brother found that! Enjoy....someday, when you're ready. Hugs, Shell

Claire, Welcome to the board, and I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad. It is normal to feel strong (almost abnormally normal, as you so accurately put it!) in the beginning and then have it hit you hard, as you are experiencing. Both of my parents died at home too, with us there, and I am so grateful for that, as you are for your dad. We have to hang on tightly to the "positive" side of their deaths. That they are no longer suffering, we we're there to help them, we did everything we could, etc. When I get really down, I think of all those things and it helps a little. You said you look at his picture and remember all the times that you had with him that were special. That's good...remember and cry and grieve and then you will start to heal. It isn't a short journey, but eventually you will deal better with it. And the people on this board are so supportive and wonderful, so continue to share your thoughts and feelings and memories with us. That helps to get it out and know you're not alone. Big hugs to you, Shell

William, I know what you mean, we all need friends right now, nothing more! Have you tried to look around for groups that share an interest you have? Sometimes that's a good way to meet people and you have something in common to talk about. Or some "dating" sites have people on them that aren't really looking for a romance, just friendship. As busy and exhausted as you are, try to make it a priority to meet some new people. Hang in there and take it one day at a time. Hugs, Shell

Teresa, What a cute picture! You can tell a lot about your dad just from that picture. Thanks for sharing it. Hugs, Shell

Tracey, I lost my mom in June too. Some things that have kept me going are: my many, many kitties that need me, remembering that my mom is now out of her misery, that she is at peace, and others who have shown me they care and have helped me so much (most of them right here on this board!). I know how hard this is and when we say things will get easier, what we sometimes forget to say, or don't want to say, is that it will take a long time. You are still in the early stages, even at 7 months. You have to grieve, feel all those bad feelings and cry your eyes out. But by doing that, you will begin to heal. And it may take a long time to get to that point, but you will, trust me. You have to believe also, believe that you will get through this. Your mother will help "guide" you, I'm sure. Big hugs to you, Shell

William, You might not be ready to find someone else for a very long time, but that's ok. Live with your memories of Myrna and know that she is still yours. Someday, when you are ready, you will meet someone else, probably by surprise even! But don't push yourself now. You do need time to grieve and that can take a long time. I know it feels like you just want to fade away right now, but your life is worth living and going on, ya know? You are still here for a reason, and I'm not even talking in a religious sense, since I'm not traditionally religious. But I do believe that there is a reason for everything, even when we can't see it at the time. There is something you will do in the future, that you were meant to do. I don't know if this even makes any sense, but hang in there. You seem like a very special person, you certainly are special to us! Hugs, Shell

Rosanne, Oh, I feel so much of your pain. I know what you mean about trying to take care of someone else when you feel you can't even take care of yourself. Taking care of the other person sort of takes over and leaves very little room for your own care. I went through that for two and half years, but I made it through and you will too. Just do anything you can for yourself and don't feel guilty for it! We've all heard it a million times...that if you don't take care of yourself, you won't be able to take care of the other person. I had to constantly remind myself of that, because it really is true. The sadness is always there, but it will get better, honestly. It will never leave completely, but it will ease up. Just hang in there, Rosanne, and know that our hearts are with you. A big hug, Shell

Hi guys, I think it is just impossible to go through the holidays without getting bluer than you were before. It's so understandable really. It's when you're suppose to be with the ones you love and be happy and joyful. Well....when not all of the ones you love are here, it's normal to feel it more sharply now. I don't know what the answer is. Just try to enjoy any small moment you can and maybe do more for others. That seems to fill the time and make you feel better. I know it does for me, anyway. Maybe the answer is to just accept your feelings and know there normal and not fight them. Cry it out when you feel sad and treasure the happy moments. Hang in there, we'll be through with the holidays soon. They DO end eventually, thank goodness! Hugs, Shell

Teresa, A bumpy ride it is! I keep reading that you have to just go with the ride and it will take you where you're meant to be, instead of fighting it. Sometimes easier said than done, but good advice, I think. Hugs, Shell

Debbie, That's a good idea, about looking at the pictures. I found that facing the pain head on and crying your eyes out helps you to take the first step toward healing. It may take awhile, but eventually you'll come to terms with it better, you'll still grieve, but will cope with the reality of it better. Good luck. Hugs, Shell

CFH, Good for you for facing your fear and taking the trip! I'm glad you're busy with school, it helps to keep your mind busy. Hugs, Shell

Wendy, There is nothing I can say to make this better, I know. I'm so very sorry and I feel your pain so deeply. Just know that we are all here and that you will handle this, one day at a time. And never give up hope, you never know how things will turn out. Your mom may beat this and be fine. You and your mom are in all our hearts. A huge hug, Shell