shell

I agree with Jae. It is perfectly normal to have feelings of revenge, but acting on them would only harm you in the end. Is this person, if you don't mind me asking, been arrested for the crime? If so, you can only wait it out and hope that justice is done and that will be your revenge. That is a horrible situation to be in and I'm sorry for your ordeal. Try to stay "cool", Shell

Jae, I replied to your post and then tried to reply again, and it put it all on one page and doubled part of my message! Anyway, I just wanted to make sure you read the whole thing because it has the info on the being cold post at the bottom of the repeat of the original post. If this makes any sense at all! Just skim past the repeat part and read the bottom, but ignore the very last part. Thins can be sooooo confusing! Shell

Dear Jae, EVERYTHING you are feeling is normal and most of us on this board have felt all of this at one time or another. Even feeling cold, oddly enough. There's a post just about that. I'll find the heading and you can read it. A lot of the posters have also had friends and husbands, etc. that didn't seem to understand their grief. Again, read some of the posts, just browse the titles, and you will see a mirror image of yourself. I am so sorry for your loss and all I can tell you is that it takes time...lots, to even feel functional again. You might also want to talk to your doctor, perhaps he/she can suggest some things. Or go to grief counseling. And, of course, keep posting here. I think I can speak for most of us in saying that it has helped us tremendously. Hang in there and give yourself a hug, Shell I found the post about being cold. It's in this same category, on page 2 and the title is "Does This Happen?" I don't know why it "doubled" my reply to you, but be sure you read at the very bottom. It has the info on the post about being cold. Shell

Paul, I feel I have used the "leaning into the pain" method and it seems to have helped me work through a lot of stuff. I have not only done it with the death of my dad, but it led me to re-examine all the losses in my life and fully grieve for them too. I don't think I did grieve in a healthy way before now. It is painful, no doubt about it, and rather exhausting, but I agree that it is necessary to fully heal. I know I haven't fully healed from any of it yet, but I am better in some ways than I was even three or four months ago. Hugs, Shell

Amanda, I agree (yet again!) with what Paul said. You are braver than you think. And, please, let us know how the visit went. Hugs and good luck, shell

Basketcase, I couldn't give you any better advice than Paul did. He really hit on some important points. He is so right about re-defining what "normal" is, cause your "old" normal will never be the same. I never thought about it that way until he said it. Hang in there, Shell

Jen, I'm so, so sorry for the loss of your mom. I'm 52 and still trying to figure out how to grow up. I lost my dad a little over a year ago and am now taking care of my mom, who I am very close to and feel like I will completely lose it when I lose her. I know what you mean about all your thinking being on taking care of your mom and not thinking about yourself and what you will do. However, I don't think it matters whether you do or not, cause when it happens, you are never prepared. All I can tell you is that you have to do what is best for YOU now. Don't worry about bothering other people. Just grieve and try to figure out where you can go from here. As time goes by, your thinking will get clearer, but it does take awhile, I'm afraid. Keep posting here, it helps a lot. My deepest sympathies and best wishes for you (plus a huge hug!) Shell

Suzie, I am so sorry. I lost my dad to lung cancer a little over a year ago. He was coughing (thought he had bronchitis) and then he started coughing up blood. He went to the hospital for a week, came home and was gone three weeks later. It was so sudden and such a shock. My uncle (who is a "relative" by marriage only, but was our closet relative, ironically) died a month and a half before my dad of the exact same thing. Again, sudden and a shock. I know the fog you are in and how overwhelming all this is. The only solice when someone goes quickly is that they didn't have to suffer, and it doesn't help a lot, but you just have to remind yourself of that from time to time. My thoughts will be with you. Try to hang in there as best you can. Hugs to you, Shell

Amanda, That is so great about the nurse who took care of your step-dad. It makes me feel good that there are decent, kind people out there. I have to be reminded every once in awhile. I know what you mean about knowing it's the right thing to do, but it not helping you feel any better. It's the hardest decision you'll ever have to make. But you made the right one and have to realize how much courage that took. As you told your step-dad, it's the final act of love. What a beautiful way to put it. hugs, Shell

Shubom, I echo what Maylissa and Paul said. Going to your house was a huge step and you should be proud of yourself for doing it. Do just whatever your comfortable with, I think of it as taking "baby steps". Just keep taking baby steps, sweetie. Paul, I teared up reading about you seeing your old washer in the front yard. What a sad moment. We have an old Maytag freezer that I remember as a young child and it's still going strong! They sure made things well in those days...not like now. I think it is good that you are "spying" (and I don't mean that offensively!) on your old house and finding out little bits at a time. I think ultimately it will be healing. Maylissa, Thanks for the words from the book. Great stuff! I may have to buy that one! Hang in ther everyone, Shell

Amanda, Repeat after me: You are not rambling! Really, you aren't and I like to hear from you. Turning off life support is a really tough decision. I've never had to face that, but I think every time I have to have one of my fur babies put to sleep it is somewhat like it. You have to decide to stop their suffering and misery and it takes tremendous love for someone to do that. So, I feel your help in your dads decision was not only a very loving gesture for your mom, but also for your dad. It was probably just the reassurance that he needed to help him carry it out. I'm also so sorry you had to think your mom was getting better, only to have it turn so bad. That's like an extra slap in the face. Hugs, Shell

Maylissa, Yes, worry, worry, worry! It seems it makes our lives go better!? We're doomed..hahaha. I, too, have been through some bad vets. I would like to kill them too. Luckily, the vet I have now (and have had for about ten years) is great and works WITH me and makes house calls. So, I can at least relax about getting the very best care possible for my babies. Of COURSE, I then worry, what if something happened and my vet wasn't there anymore? Jeez...we are something, aren't we? I'm so glad to hear that your little girl seems to be doing better. I know how tired you are (I went two years on five, six if I was really lucky, hours of sleep a night. I mean EVERY night for two years.) My babies did however help me through my grief. About six months after my dad died, I looked at them and realized how miserable they were because I was miserable. I don't have to tell YOU how they respond to your mood! And especially with my two older, sicker babies, I knew that I had to start acting happy for them. So, I "acted" happy and calm and upbeat around them and they did much better. And while I was "acting", it got easier to actually feel a little of that hapiness for real. I finally realized that making them miserable and possibly sicker was NOT going to bring back my dad. Thanks for the smooches and the big sqeeeeeze! I needed that! Hugs, hugs, and more hugs to you both, Shell

Amanda, I can definitely see why you would be angry at your mother-in-law. I could love a mother-in-law too, but if my own mom died I would feel resentment, like she couldn't take the place of my mom, or maybe I would feel guilty loving another "mother" when mine was gone. I'm just trying to picture how I would feel, but those things come to mind. It's just good that she seems to understand. Don't feel guilty about it. You are going to go through some strong and oftentimes confusing emotions that don't seem to make any sense. I have had doctors and hospice nurses tell me that people DO hear you, even when they seem to not be aware of anything. Maybe they say that just to make you feel better, but somehow I believe it. I'm sure your mom knew you were there. Hang in there, Shell

Dear Tired and Sad, How are you doing? Shell

Amanda, You will NEVER bore me. I know what you mean about sorting out your own religious beliefs. I always say that I am spiritual in my own way, just not the "traditional" way. And I, too, wish my dad (or any of the others I've lost) would send me some kind of sign that would let me know they are ok, or even that heaven exists, or something! I am alwyas talking to them and saying, "Come on, one of you send me a sign!" I was driving home from the grocery store one day and for some reason I was drawn to look up at the sky (I was stopped at a stop sign...wasn't driving AND doing this!). It was really blue and I felt like my dad was looking down on me. It was just an awesome feeling and so powerful, but other than that I haven't felt anything else. I have heard that sometimes they send signs, we just miss them. Maybe I just need to look harder, I don't know. Hugs, Shell

Kelly, Thanks for passing them on. I'm always interested in good books. They really do help! Shell

Pandorasbox, A little over six weeks is such a short time. I was hardly still functioning at that time when my dad died (suddenly and unexpectedly too). I know this may sound more depressing to hear, but it is going to take a long time to deal with this, so please give yourself a break and realize you are doing ok and will do better a little at a time. We all seem agree that you have to take it one day (we even say hour, moment, minute!) at a time. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with so much at once. Just hang in there and go easy on yourself, know that's it's ok to feel the way you do and that it will get a little bit easier as time goes by, honestly. You'll be able to cope a little better. Good luck, Shell

Oh Maylissa, I so know how you feel. My two oldest babies are having kidney problems and such and I just can't even think about losing them. I'm afraid I'm playing "ostrich" and thinking, "They are going to be around for a long time!" I just have to try to believe this. Give Nissa a kiss for me and give yourself a hug, Shell

I think that is the hardest thing about grief, that you just have to go through it. Even if you have support from other people (which helps a lot!) you still have to get through it yourself, in your heart, by yourself. It is so overwhelming and sad. Hugs to everyone, Shell

Hi Shubom, I know this may sound trite or trivial, but is there a hobby you could get into? Have you ever thought of painting or making jewelry, just something you have had some interest in but never attempted? If so, then maybe now would be the time to try it. And save any work on it just for the weekends. It's hard to fill time when your sad and grieving. Would volunteering for something interest you? The old helping others theory about it making you feel better is true most of the time. Are you going to get a place of your own or eventually go back to your house when your ready? I know how going back must be the hardest thing on earth! Good luck, Shell

Hi All, I think we all have issues and doubts about our self worth. Well, I think all of us are terrific people! And anyone who doesn't think so can go to..... I think Pandorasbox is right about trying to over think everything. Sometimes, when I'm lucky, I can just say to heck with it all. I'm just going to live and quit worrying about what others think, what I maybe should be doing, whats going to happen tomorrow, etc. It usually doesn't last long, but for the brief time it does, boy, is it a wonderful feeling! I think we all have to get out of our own heads sometimes! Funnyface, I try to think that way too, and it does help a little. But, like you said, it doesn't help the hurt go away. I guess I have to try to develope a harder shell (haha no pun intended) but then I would rather be sensitive and emotional than hard and uncaring. Jeez...when did life get so complicated? Hugs to all, Shell

Amanda, My dad died at home. I never thought about the extra grief of someone dying away from home, especially far, far away. That must make it even harder. I guess you just have to remember that her spirit is with you and always will be. I'll bet the minute she left this world, her spirit or presence or whatever you want to call it, "flew" right back to you. Hang in there, Hugs, Shell

Jamie, I'm so sorry. Just take it one moment at a time, sweetie. Hugs, Shell

Pandorasbox, I can't imagine going through the grief of losing your dad (and it has been such a short time) and having to deal with a trial at the same time. You have my deepest sympathies. My mom always says, "We do what we have to". I never really understood that until I had to go through some tragedy in my life. And, somehow, you DO get through what you have to. And I'm sure your dad will be right by your side, watching over you, while you have to deal with this. As far as the feeling of being stuck in molasses, that's very well put! Even after a little over a year of my dad dying, I am sometimes almost manically active and then other times I feel like I can't do anything! I sometimes wonder when, if ever, that will go away! I'd like a happy medium. Good luck and hang in there, Shell

Anne, Thank you for posting. It's actually a comfort to know that a psychologist can be having the same "symptoms" that we are. I don't know why, but you would just think they would know how to cope better, or something, and it is reassuring to know that we are not all crazy! I hope this makes sense...I mean it in the nicest way. I'm sorry for your loss and what you, too, are going through. I guess when it comes to losing someone you love, it doesn't matter who you are, what kind of job you have, or anything. We all suffer and think, at times, we can't cope. Good luck and believe that things will get better, Shell