shell

Dr.M, Thanks for the thyroid tip. I'm having some blood work done next month and will ask about a thyroid test. Yeah, there are some really smart docs out there, huh? Sleeping pills and booze, great combo! That's why I have such a hard time trusting anything or anyone in the medical field! Shell

Maylissa, I too, have trusted vets that I later realized didn't do the right thing or know what the h*** they were doing! I understand your anger. I am also a person who researches everything. I learned that I had to be informed so I could judge what the vets were doing, but sometimes we still have to trust them and don't know what else to do . You are not to blame, please don't feel that way. The most important thing that your baby has is YOU and your love. That will carry them a long way. My little guy I told you about lived a lot longer than anyone expected and I swear it was just from my love for him and his love for me. So your little one may do better than you think. Hugs to you both, Shell

Wow, free counseling if your doctor sends you, huh? Think I might have to move! Good luck with that. It's always ok for men to have female friends, but not ok for us to have male friends....that has been my experience anyway! Men can be so maddening. I think when you are grieving it is natural to want to be at home and even alone sometimes. That's how I've felt. It is just such effort to try to act "normal" and leaves me super tired. I just want to be alone in my head most of the time so I can sort out my feelings. Shell

Hi Paul, I know, there are days when I feel strong and that I will make it through all of this and then the next day I'm an emotional mess. Or sometimes I can do that several times in one day! The old roller coaster. I'm glad my hang in theres help. It's funny, but when I talk about this site and how much it's helped or quote something someone said, it is usually you or "whats her name in Alberta" (haha). I honestly feel like you are friends of mine. It's wonderful and has helped so much in the loneliness, all my friends deserted me, etc. department. Thanks, Shell

Oh boy, jealousy is a hard thing to fight and men just don't understand how you can be close to another man, but it isn't sexual or anything! I wish I had some advice on that one, but I don't know. I do think talking to a grief counselor would be a good idea. And maybe they could help you with that part too. As I told you, I can really relate to having no one to talk to. That is so hard, but I just kind of put him in a very private part of myself and think about him all by myself. It's almost like my own little secret. But I would still rather have someone who knew him to talk to! I would keep his number in your phone if it makes you feel better. I have a few things that I have in my "private box" that I cling to too. Grieve for him for as long as you have to, Shell

Paul, Weirdness again....I too sleep on my stomach hugging my pillow. I thought the same thing you did about cutting off circulation. But, like you, I notice a numbness at other times too. Not that complete asleep thing like the morning, but just a numbness. Maybe it's stress. Congrats on your four years of sobriety! I can totally understand why you would avoid meds. That shows what a strong person you are, and that strength will get you through this too. Hugs to ya, Shell

"to witness to your own life anymore". Wow, Maylissa, you hit the nail on the head! That is so profound and so true. Hang in there guys, Shell

Maylissa, We have so much in common, with our fur babies. One of my babies had just about everything in the world...diabetes, thyroid operation, renal failure, mega colon, just to name a few. When he first got diabetes, I knew I would have to give him insulin shots. I am (or was) terrified of needles, would go week at the knees just seeing one. Well, the first few months I gave him his shots (twice a day) I would be shaking so badly I could hardly get the insulin in the syringe. I would take a deep breath and somehow walk into the bedroom just as calm as could be and give hime his shot. Like you said, cats are VERY astute at feeling your moods. I had to stay calm and because I loved him so much I did, but not easily! I also had to give him sub cu. and that was so stressful. The needles are huge and it is so scary. But I managed, somehow. I did all of this, plus give him medicines ten times a day for three years. I don't know how I made it through, but it is just love. And I know that you will manage too. I have no doubt about it. And as Spela said, I love your posts and read every one. You have helped me too. There is a book called "The New Natural Cat" by Anitra Frazier that gives excellent advice on giving sub cus. It saved my life! It is like my bible and you might check it out. It has some great advice on everything and seems like a book you would really like. I will send positive thoughts to you and your fur-girl. I truly, truly know the fear, and all the other emotions, you are feeling. But you will get through it and be there for her and you will do all the right things. Your love for her will take over. Hugs to both of you and keep us posted, Shell

Paul, Funny you should bring up the numbness in your hands. I'm having the same problem. Every morning I wake up my hands are totally numb, asleep. It takes me awhils to shake them out and get normal again! Weird, huh? I've also had lifetime problems with panic attacks. Had them controlled for a long time until my dad died. Kept together through all his care and then about two weeks after his death I fell apart. All the tricks I had used in the past to control the attacks were NOT working. Spent about a week and a half in total panic and finally called my doctor, who put me on meds. I have always resisted meds, but I didn't care this time and HAD to get myself back together to take care of my mom and our fur babies. Worked out really well for me, such a relief not to have to worry about them anymore, but I'm not recommending them for everyone, of course. But for me it got so bad I had no other choice. Have you talked to your doctor about your attacks? Shell

Sereph, I have lost many friends too and completely understand where you're at. Loss is loss, no matter who it is, if it is someone you care about. Sometimes you grieve even for people you didn't like that much! And it is harder when you have no one to talk to about it. I lost the "love of my life" (we weren't married, but had a long relationship that's a long story) about twenty years ago, but it hurts to this day. And I never had anyone to talk to about it because our friends were gone or some of mine didn't know him (it's a complicated story). Anyway, my point is I know how hard it is to have no one to talk to. As Marty said, talk to him anyway and tell him how you feel. I still do that to this day and sometimes I feel like he's "with me". Hang in there and don't feel bad or guilty for your feelings, they are perfectly normal, Shell

Hi Paul, Good to hear from you again! I can't give any better advice than Marty, just wanted you to know that all of us are still here for you. It's been a year ago last month that my dad died and I am still reeling. Still crying, still feeling all the stuff you feel in grief. But it has gotten a LITTLE better. I'm afraid it's like Marty said, that it takes a long time to get through all this, but we will make it eventually. Hang in there will all your might, Shell

Shell Louise, I'm sure your mom knew that you were crying on the inside, and I'm sure she knew why you wouldn't cry in front of her. Sounds like you two were very close. You did the very best you could, so don't beat yourself up. I'm so sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself, your mother would want that, Shell

Maylissa and Debbie, I'm so sorry for your losses and the helpless feelings you're having at your lack of control over the doctors. I just don't know what is happening in the medical field these days, no matter where you live. I hate to say this, but I'm glad my dad went very quickly and was not able to have chemo. I don't trust doctors (although at the time, we had one that I honestly thought could claim he was God and then he left private practice...another blow). My dad stayed in the hospital a week and then came home and died three weeks later. Thank God he didn't have to go through a bunch of tests and treatments because I would probably be feeling the same way you two are. I am now dealing with my moms kidney problems and she has to go see if she has lupus. I question everything they do to her and read up on everything, etc. but there's only so much you CAN do! You're torn between what the "experts" say and if they know what the devil they are talking about. Anyway, I know that both of you did the very best you could and have no reason to feel guilty. Don't beat yourselves up. Hang in there guys, Shell

Debbie, It does seem like a black cloud following you around, huh? I have had the same experience, just getting back on my feet, so to speak, or feeling like I'm going forward, only to get another blow! I wish I had some wise advice, but I don't. All I can say is just hang in there and try to keep it together. Things have GOT to get better sometime. I keep telling myself that. Good luck and hugs, Shell

Shubom, I know EXACTLY how you feel. A friend of mine I've known since high school (and that's a loooong time ago for us!) moved to California, but used to come back and visit her parents every year for a couple of weeks. We would get together and go out and have dinner and drinks and have a good time catching up. Always paid for by me, by the way. We also talked on the phone a lot and and had become even closer friends, or so I thought. When my dad died, I couldn't talk to anyone about it for a few months, but finally had to talk and called Sharon. Since that call, she sent a sympathy card about three months later and I haven't heard from her since (it's been about a year now). She sends me emails, but just forwards, nothing personal. Her parents moved to Texas, so she won't be coming back and I feel now that She is truly the "fair-weather friend". I guess she doesn't need me anymore and she is also a person who just doesn't want anything to ruin her fun. It really hurt me that she couldn't call and say "How ya doing?" The way I have handled it is to just ignore her. I don't send her any emails, I don't call (I feel it's her turn) and I don't think of her as a friend anymore. Maybe this is wrong, but it's just the way I feel. She doesn't deserve my friendship. I have hesitated to write a nasty letter, although I've felt like it a million times. I used to do things like that, but found that silence is indeed golden. One thing I have done is try to make new friends. It's not the same as friends you share so much history with, but it's nice to get to know someone new and hope yu become good friends. Hang in there, Shell

Oh Shubom, please don't go there. I know exactly how you feel, honestly, but I've learned (the sad way) that you just can't force people to do what they should. I don't think it's that they don't care enough about themselves (or others, for that matter), it's just fear. I can relate to this, because I'm terrified of medical stuff and don't take as good a care of myself as I should because of this crippling fear. I'm sure you did everything possible, but unfortunately it is ultimately up to them. Don't be so hard on yourself, you weren't responsible for their deaths. Hugs, Shell

John, My deepest sympathies on your loss. What a beautiful post. I think you are honoring him in the very best way. You said that you have read many books, have you read Final Gifts? I mention this because I feel it is a book you would truly appreciate. I just finished it and it was comforting beyond belief. You mentioned he had periods of delusion. Read this book, for I think it will give you a comforting and surprising view on those delusions. You are so right that we need to live "In the Moment", and lucky that you had someone so wonderful teach you that. You are definitely on the right road, Shell

Dear Tired and Sad, I lost my dad a year ago today, my favorite uncle a month before that, my moms cousin a week after my dad, one of my fur babies a week after that, and a good friend three weeks later. I am 52 and feel like I'm 5. It is hard enough to lose one loved one, let alone another so close, so I know how you feel. And the age thing....I keep feeling that I am an immature mess, but then I realize how really traumatic losing someone is and I figure it's ok to be such a mess. I was glad to read what you said, made me feel like I wasn't so bad after all! I feel so for you knowing you are going to lose your mom too. I have no advice, just know that there are lots of us out here to share your grief with. Hugs to you, Shell

Daddys Girl, I lost my father a year ago today and he was cremated. We have the ashes in the house and will keep them there. He never said he wanted them spread any particular place, though knowing my dad, he would have picked a golf course if he had! I can't give you any advice on going through what you are going to do, but I really thought about your situation and tried to put myself in your place. I think if my dad had requested something like that, I would feel I was making him happy and giving him some sort of peace. He will always be with you, regardless of not having his ashes anymore. He is in your heart and soul. Hope this helps and I wish you the very best of luck with the whole experience. Let all of know how it went. Shell

Maylissa, So happy you had a heart to heart with hubby! Maybe he will learn something from all this. Continued good luck, Shell

Don't worry, we know you're "one of the gang!".

Shubom, I think the one word that keeps coming up with all of us is: overwhelming. I think that is the hardest part, feeling you have no control over your emotions. And none of us do. It IS hard. You're right about just trying to cope as it comes along. That's all I've been able to do...one moment at a time. Hang in there! Shell

Shubom, I don't think what your describing is an anxiety attack, but then it could be that it is and what you experience is different from what I have experienced. It sounds more like the typical responses to grief, especially the being tire all the time part. Two good sites about anxiety or panic attacks are: www.anxieties.com and www.anxietycoach.com. It might help to check them out. They are full of some great advice on anxiety. Lauren, how are you doing? Shell

Barb, You certainly have had your share of losses and I feel for you deeply. I had lost people over the years and thought I had grieved for them at the time. When my dad died (a year ago this month) I grieved not only for him, but for everyone else I had lost too. It was like a snowball effect, remembering every death and grieving all over again. I think overwhelming is the word that describes it the best. But I have a feeling that once you feel the grief and face it and all that stuff, you will ultimately fight your way out of it and feel better, or different. You will be healed, so to speak, in a way that will allow you to cope with it all. I wish you the best, Shell

Pizza would be great...I'll even make it from scratch, and EVERYONE is invited! I am so glad I found this site. It has helped me a lot and you guys are great.