shell

Ya know, I hate to say this, but it seems to me (from my own experiences and reading all of yours) that men just don't care as much as women. I know there are exceptions to the rule and that the men on this board are certainly the exceptions and they give me hope. But I was thinking about this subject and going over all the men I've known that had someone die and realized most of them just got on with their lives very quickly! I envy them in a way. Must make things a lot easier, but then again I would rather be "emotional" than as cold as they seem. I think it's a form of selfishness myself, but that's just my view on it. Maybe they hide it better than we do, but I'm not convinced that's it. I just don't know. I know most men just hate having to deal with anything "emotional". Like we love it! Shell

Maureen, You sound just like my mom and me! We always say we like animals better than people. I have WAY more patience with furry ones than humans! Maylissa, I have two friends that I feel are true friends, but I always have to call them too. My mom has a best friend that she always has to call. Is there some sort of epidemic going on or what? I can honestly say that I am a really good friend. I will be there for you, defend you, give and give and give. And I know my friends love me too, but I do admit to feeling insecure that I have to do all the calling. Jeez, I don't know. As Maureen said, "people are very strange creatures". Just too bad we can't all hook up (from this board) and have lunch like you were talking about! I think we'd all get along great. Oh well, I guess we have to just accept our friends the way they are and get rid of the ones we can't accept. Shell

Maylissa, Wow, as usual, Maureen gave you such great advice I don't have much more to add. I know how hurtful your husbands comments are. My mom, who I love more than anyone in the world, has changed so much since my dad died. She seems to get angry so easily and takes it out on me, which I find so very, very hurtful. We are so close, and always have been, that it is confusing and downright heartbreaking to me, but I try to believe she is just grieving and upset and doesn't mean to be that way. I agree with Maureen that your husband is trying to convince himself. I have a very close (male) friend that always tries to act tough and blase about disasters, but I know him well enough to know that underneath he is hurting and crying. Just wish they could show it, huh? Would be much easier to deal with! And Maureen, I know exactly what you are saying. I had to handle everything when my dad died and while he was dying, for that matter. I, too, had a mountain of responsibility thrown at me and it was hard. Like you, I stayed "tough", so to speak, to get through it. We've all been through the ringer and had to deal with so many weird problems. I guess we are all stronger than we think. Shell

Maylissa, I am going to general grief next. I think you are so right about the grieveing "phases" and that it is emotions that come and go and come back and on and on. I think what you said about dealing with whatever is going on at any given moment is great. That's what I think I've been doing for awhile, but didn't realize it until you talked about it. Shell

I am reading Final Gifts, a book written by two Hospice nurses. It is a wonderful book and gives you a whole new view (a good one) of death and dying and what happens. I just wish I had read it BEFORE my dad got sick! I would highly recommend it to all of us suffering this pain. The authors are Maggie Callanan and Patricia Kelley. Shell

Hi Maureen, Yes, I think you are moving towards acceptance and applaud your attitude towards your sister. I am like you, in the sense that I have thought about all sorts of things and tried to face them and deal with the feelings. Very painful at times, but very healing. An interesting subject you brought up is that you felt you didn't do everything perfectly. I would get frustrated with my dad when he was sick too, and later would regret having spoken a little sharply, stuff like that. I think some of what we feel is shame over stuff like that, but it is normal and you have to realize you did the very best you could. I would go over and over times I thought I should have done something differently, or better, and finally realized I did ok, I did the best I could. My dad was home, with the people who loved him and died peacefully. We can't be perfect all the time and especially under such tremendous stress. Has anyone else felt this way? I think you are doing great, Maureen, and hope you continue to "evolve" forward. Shell

I absolutely agree with Maureen, I think stress makes you cold, and has lots of other side effects. By the time I go to bed I am itching like crazy and sometimes get welt like things that will be gone the next morning. Stress will tear you apart, so that's the first thing to try to control, though it seems impossible at times! And it is important to try to take care of your health. I know there are days you just don't care, but we all have to think that SOMEDAY (no matter how long it takes to get there) we may care again and won't want to be sick. Shell

Shubom, Why don't you get one of those hanging punching bags, put it up somewhere, and punch the you know what out of it when you feel like it? There are days when I'm so angry or frustrated or stressed that I have thought of getting one! Shell

Shubom, I know you feel lost. And helpless and hopeless. I still have my mom, but I can fully understand what you are going through, because I worry constantly about losing her too and have imagined what my life would be like without her. As we've often said, grief is this terrible roller coaster of emotions. For awhile you feel ok, then terrible, then hopeless, etc... all in one day! It is tremendously exhausting, which doesn't help any. I wish I had some wonderful, magic advice for all of us...or anyone at all did! All I can say is that I guess we all have to hang on by our fingernails and take it one minute at a time. I think sometime soon you will be able to go back home and maybe it won't be as bad as you think. Maybe the place you shared with your mom will bring you more peace and comfort than you tink. I certainly hope so. Just know that we are all here for each other and keep posting. I honestly think about all the posters here every day and wonder how they are doing. Hang in there, sweetie, Shell

I did the same thing. Lost about 15 pounds, then started eating again and gained it back. But right now I couldn't care less. Just getting through each day as "happy" as I can is my big goal. And eating is "safer" than not eating, so I guess you have to try to take the bitter with the sweet! I was so thin my panties were hip huggers all of a sudden!

Maylissa and Shubom, Thanks for the thanks! Thank you too. I feel closer to some of the posters here than I do to my few friends I have left, because I can be more open and honest here. I can share feelings without worrying that I'm being depressing or bothering someone...you all know what I mean! Shubom, no I haven't been to any kind of grief counseling. Where I live (which is Alabama, by the way) all the groups are run by churches and I'm not very religious, in the traditional sense. So I hesitate to go to them, thinking all I'll hear is how God wanted things to be this way, or something! NOT something I would want to hear right now. The best part about this site is that I feel like I'm going to group counseling. Hang in there, both of you, Shell

Maylissa, Wow. You always give such great advice. I especially agree with trying to do anything that piques your interest. I think being afraid is the worst. I still have my mom (who I have always been so close to) and am terrified of something happening to her. Also, since my dad died she has become very confused and that scares me too. I feel so very much for you and Shubom and everyone else who is in this position. Losing my dad was so hard, but losing my mom will be the absolute worst. I just hope I will grow and learn enough during this time that I won't completely fall apart when she is gone, something I try to push out of my mind. I can't even think about it.

Maylissa, We never travel either...for the same reasons! I'm glad there are other people who put their fur babies first like we do. I was thinking how weird it would be if several of us were in the same city, but I guess that's one thing about these boards, you never know.

Eagles, It's strange you should bring this up. When I wake up, my hands are cold and so numb I can't pick up anything until I rub them and "shake" them out! This has been happening for about the last three months. Weird, huh? Maybe its nerves, I don't know. Shell

Maylissa, Shubom, I don't know if this will help you or not, but after my dad (and several others, inclucing one of my fur babies, in like two months) died I went into this deep soul searching journey (sounds silly, but that's all I can think to call it). I didn't do this right away, maybe 3 months later. To make a long story short, I think I relived my entire life in my mind. VERY exhausting. But somewhere along the way, I regained some of my old self back. I guess it reminded me of the way I used to be. I also looked at old photos, read old letters from ex-boyfriends and friends and cleaned out our storage unit, which had a lot of memories of various times of my life in it. I guess when we feel hopeless and like life isn't worth living anymore, we have to remember that the people who have left us would want us to go on and be happy. That's an old thing that people always tell you, but I think its true. We have to hang on tight and believe that things will get easier to bear eventually. Hugs.....hang on tight, Shell

Hi Maylissa, I don't know. It doesn't make sense, and it is so confusing. My mom and I have both admitted (after my dad died almost a year ago) that we feel so alone, yet we love each other very much and I live with her. We also have my brother.....so why feel alone? There are so many emotions that come along with grieving that you just don't expect and can't understand. I finally just gave up trying to figure it out and just get by each day as best as I can. Don't know what else to do! Wish I had the answers. Hugs, Shell

I remember a line from "Tequila Sunrise". Mel Gibson says, "Friendships are like tires, you only get so much mileage out of them and then it's time to get new ones". Thank goodness sometimes some of our "tires" last forever, but I guess what he said was true. And going through a death certainly lets you know which tires are flat!

If you can't beat tham, join them? Sometimes being mean back can help! Right now, I don't care if I'm mean or not (to those that have been uncaring to me). If people can be that insensitive, I don't need them in my life, ya know? Good luck, Shell

Hi, I think you two have so much in common that you can help each other tremendously. It has been almost a year since I lost my dad and I still have some of the same feelings you two are going through. I think the important thing is to know that it is normal and also that it will change. As they say, grief is a roller coaster ride of emotions and that is so true! But, there will be times that are more bearable, so hang in there and just go with the flow. Take one minute at a time. I feel such deep sorrow for both of you. Take care, keep posting and reading, Shell

Lauren, I am glad you are going to the doctor and will be able to talk with him/her about your medication. The anti-depressant I take keeps me from having panic attacks, but like you, I still feel nervous and a sort of anxiety, but it is "managable". I'm into deep breathing a lot! I take a very low dose of the anti-anxiety drug at bedtime to relax me and help me sleep better, so that helps. Thanks for the admiration....I wish I could tell you how I managed to overcome it years ago, but I just did....somehow. I'M not even sure how I did it exactly. I know what you mean about feeling like the poster child for the anxiety sites. I felt the same way! Talk to your doc and take care of yourself. Keep posting and let us know how you're doing. Hugs and good luck, Shell

Hi artmademoiselle, Yes, I have suffered from anxiety almost my whole life. When I was in my mid twenties it hit me out of the blue and got so bad that I became agoraphobic (where you can't leave the house). It was really hard and took me years to get over. Back then, anxiety was not a well known issue with doctors, so I had no help in that area. I conquered it on my own, and with help from my wonderful mom, but it took years. I did well for about 25 years and then when my dad died, about a month later, it hit again....HARD! I took care of him and everything else through his battle with lung cancer. He had not smoked for forty years...go figure, huh? But then I lost one of my fur babies and we had 2 other deaths in the family to deal with. Anyway, I tried for a week and a half to "deal" with it. I finally gave up and called my doctor, who put me on an anti-depressant, but also an anti-anxiety drug too. It saved my life. I now continue the anti-depressant, but have gotten off the anti-anxiety drug and have (so far) done well. I don't know if this is any help, but believe me, I understand what you are going through. You need a doctor who you can talk to and understands anxiety problems. You may need a different anti-depressant or the anti-anxiety drug for awhile. There are also some good sites about anxiety that give you all the different ways to manage, including meds, but other ways too. I wish I could think of one, but I can't find my list of them. Go to a search engine and type in anxiety and you should find some. If I find my list, I'll let you know. Good luck, Shell Lauren, I found my list. Try www.anxieties.com and www.anxietypanic.com. Also www.anxietycoach.com , they are full of some great information on the problem. Hang in there, Shell

Maureen, When my dad died, his half-sister sent some ugly red flowers. I called to politely thank her for them and she didn't ask a single question about my dad or how my mother was doing. She didn't ask about anything! She talked to me like I was a casual acquantance. Needless to say, my mom decided not to send her a Christmas card. As far as we are concerned she is no longer family. My dad was not close to her, so he would approve of our actions! I just don't understand people (that's why I love animals so much...them I understand). Two weeks after my dad died one of our babies had to be rushed in the middle of the night to the vets and died from an undetected heart problem. My mom and I were just heartbroken. It almost did us both in! So I know what you mean about losing two best friends at the same time. We all have such similar experiences and share so many of the same feelings, it's too bad we don't all live in the same town so we could form our own support group! But this site is wonderful and helps so much!

Hi Stik40, You do what you want to do! I think what you are going to do is wonderful. If your friends don't understand, they aren't true friends..I know I found out who my REAL friends were going through my grief. Being selfish? No way, and even if you were, you deserve to be selfish at this time. You must think of yourself first and what gives you comfort and possibly, a kind of joy. Good luck, Shell

Hi Jen, I feel for you deeply, as I do for everyone on this site. I lost my father last February and though it's been almost a year, it is still hurting and always will. I now have just my mom and brother. My mom is my best friend too and I worry about her so much. I don't know what I'm going to do without her, when she passes on, which I'm praying is a long time away. I'm 52 and feel like I'm 16, trying to cope with everything. I can't even imagine going through this at your age. I wish you the very best of luck in managing. Just take one day at a time...or sometimes one hour at a time! That has helped me some. Keep writing to this site and reading the other posts. That has helped me very much too. Take care of yourself, Shell

Don't feel bad about hanging onto them, they understand and they love it. I know my cats want to comfort me whenever they sense I'm upset. When one of my furbabies died several years ago, I cried myself to sleep sprawled across my bed and finally went to sleep. When I woke up, all seven (I only had eight then!) were curled up next to me. Talk about feeling loved! There is nothing in the world like animals. Hang on tight and let them give you comfort, Shell