Boo Mayhew

CarrieBoo, you have helped me so many times, I have lost count, so I know that you can do this. You need to know that you can do it though, because this is about you. Please don't expect to feel that just now as these anniversaries ... they bring us to our knees. They bring everything sharply back into focus again, and to the fore. Just because you fell in love again, doesn't mean that you stopped loving or missing Neal. Family conflict will add even more (a lot more) to your pain. I am only at 9 months, but can share with you that each May (her birthday and death) for the past 5 years, Cliff's Dad goes inward, quiet, alone with his own thoughts ... to another time I think ... where he thinks of his wife and is reminded of what he has lost, when he misses her acutely, and he relives that very real early pain of his earliest days when he first lost her. He copes admirably most of the time, but every May he starts riding the tsunami, sometimes breathing, sometimes gulping for air, sometimes not caring if he drowns. But in June he always navigates back to those calmer seas. We just give him space. It's a shame that you are getting attacked instead of receiving empathy. Be still, breath, it will pass. Sure do wish I could come and sit by you for a while, but know that I will in my heart. xx

Valley, I cannot find the words that I seek to tell you what I want to say and how I feel. I can only begin to imagine what you feel and fear right now, without your soulmate holding your hand. Enough already ... haven't you suffered enough for a thousand lifetimes? I feel quite outraged by this ... as though the balance is so off kilter in the universe that it's amazing that no one has noticed and therefore rectified it. But then we already knew that ... and we also know there is no reason or logic that can be applied to what is put in front of us to overcome ... yet, that said, I feel very strongly about it. I am pleased your son is taking you. I am convinced that Tom is going with you too and will be watching their every move. He loves you. You just can't see him. Small compensation, I know for the touch of his hand or a hug. Good luck with your operation on your spine tomorrow Valley. You have become so special to me. I will be thinking of you all day ... when are you back home? Boo xxxx

Mary Linda hit the nail right on the head. When arranging all the funeral logistics etc., and now I am in the process of arranging for Cliff's remains to be scattered, I thought: This is the last thing I can do for him. I have to get it perfect. I want him to be proud of me. Yes, the last thing ... and it has to be right. So very stressful when someone else is involved (like that lady on the phone) and they get it wrong. It means everything to us, but to her, we are just another call. That's wrong, but unfortunately that's reality. If I were recruiting someone for that role, I'd insist that the applicants had suffered a loss already so that they had the gift of empathy. But that's probably against all the HR policies and PC laws of the universe! Please do let us know how you progress with rectifying this. If you get very distressed about it, I for one would happily volunteer to write letters etc for you, so that you can simply sign and post without getting more anxious. I mean it - you only need ask :-) (I still have to take my bills etc into work to deal with them and get someone to check it's done right ... but can help someone else easily ... which proves I CAN, yet I still get a mental block where my own paperwork is concerned, so wondered if you react in a similar way? If you do, the offer is there).

Hello Jo!! It was SO good to see your name on the board again :-) Yes, as you can see, we have all been thinking of you and wondering how your treatment was going. Your post was inspriring, absolutely, to me. I can only sit here in awe and amazement at how pragmatic an approach you have taken to beating this awful disease, not to mention the fact that you are, as you say, raw and exposed without Jose and grieving for him. It is very apparent that you have had a lot of time to think and worked through those thoughts applying your intellect and rationale/logic and that in itself is part of healing in your grief work. I can imagine that you do miss him terribly, beyond words ... personally if I just get a tiny teeny health problem such as an ear infection (which pales in comparison and puts my worries into perspective rapidly when I think of what you are living through) it makes me miss Cliff even more. I am not in your shoes, but I tried to think about what I would be like ... and can't really. It's unspeakably cruel that you have been given this to conyend with too. I read what you said about your grief being stuck in a state of missing him to help you through this and that made perfect sense to me. As I said, any minor pathetic health problem and I get stuck there too ... no wonder you feel like this. It's still grieving though, you don't have to go through the whole loss cycle in text-book fashion. Hell, none of us does in any event! Yes, Jo ... I agree whole-heartedly, cancer I'm sure can teach you to appreciate life, but there are other ways to learn the lesson, especially in the aftermath of losing the love of your life. Please don't feel bad about not writing here for a while. We all knew that you were sick - plus the treatments add to how ill you feel .(gross understatement I know) .. I'd have wondered what was wrong if you had been posting here (and worrying that you weren't going for treatment to be honest). I'm so glad Mary Linda started this topic so that you could see with your own eyes that we were still thinking of you and care. When you are recovering between the therapies/treatments, please drop us a line to let us know how you are responding to your treatment. Love Boo xxx

Susie, firstly let me say how sorry I am that you have lost your husband only four weeks ago. You have indeed come to the right place. It is a safe place where you can say what you feel, with the knowledge that others here know what you fear and feel. One of the first things I learned (my husband died suddenly from a stroke nine months ago) was not to listen to other's well-intentioned advice, unless they had already walked in my shoes. The next thing I learned was to be patient with myself. You will know when you are ready to tackle different things, whether it's returning to work, going grocery shopping, paying a bill, getting dressed or household chores. Only you can know this, so it makes what they say moot really. I don't mean to be nasty to them, it's just a fact. The third thing I learned was to stop fighting the emotions, which is hard to do because it is an instinct almost to fight the pain ... but with this, it's different. When you stop fighting the pain and let it engulf you sometimes, it's "easier work", not easier per se... you simply end up expending less energy and time fighting something you cannot fight. It's such early days for you ... you are in shock really. It feels surreal, like a nightmare. I questioned my sanity on many occasions. All you should focus on is eating a little each day, sleep when you can sleep (even if it's in the morning!), breath, cry whenever you want, go silent if you wish, talk about it, talk lots and talk on here - this helped me and so many others more than I can explain to be honest. Do what you need to do to get through this time. We are here for you and we will listen. We will reassure you that what you are doing or thinking is normal, not crazy.

Mel, I'm sorry I was not online so am late sending you my love and prayers. But I do. I hope you are alright today ... let us know xxx

thanks LaurieB, I was so lucky to have shared 15 wonderful years ... the best days of my life :-)

Valley, thanks so much - that is a lovely thing to say, and I loved that you wrote it that way :-) xx

thanks DeeGee HUGS xx

Me too ... oh I miss that warm safe belly against my back as I slept. Warm and safe. These days my deaf dog (who is a pain in the a**) snuggles in the small of my back (on top of the covers thankfully) ... but I know that I'm aware of this when I sleep ... the pressure of touch and warmth, it gives me enough reassurance to sleep through most nights, I reckon. So this bedtime ritual of his overwrites all the annoying naughty things that he does ;-)

Deborah, the five/six month time was the worst (so far) for me ... I couldn't believe that I got worse, that the pain was unbearable and I seriously doubted that I would survive it ... that I would give up, passively cause myself to die by being reckless, not looking after myself, or that I would lose my mind literally. I panicked. Really panicked. I was hysterical screaming with the loss for around 3 weeks solid. It was too much. Then I remembered something I read somewhere and knew: breath, breath, be still and it will pass. IT HAS TO - I thought! Now approaching the nine month mark, I am feeling anxiety over the impending one year mark. I hope to mark the day with something meaningful. Don't know what. Perhaps a walk to raise money for widows in the third world (I cannot imagine going through this, but having the added stigma of being discounted as a "nobody" as some are, with no money, no one to comfort them - rather they are outcast, thrown away almost .... or having no money or home, no job, no education, no anything now their provider and protector has gone - it humbles me.) Maybe even a parachute jump for the same reason instead. We'll see ... need to think more on it :-) So back to the point. Please don't expect too much from yourself. If you do, you will feel as though you fail if you don't reach those ambitions that you have set too high. Be patient with yourself. Your world has been shifted on its axis. Let the tsunami of pain wash over you, drown you, until you feel that need to gulp for air, then bob around on the surface for a bit ... eventually sailing for calmer seas after a while. We are here for you and care. Keep posting through this time because it does help, sending you HUGS

You should be proud of yourself for conducting your behaviour in a calm, dignified manner. I am proud of you! Let me tell you that I would have either gone up there crying, histrionics ... or called them crying, then gone up there with the intention of telling them what I thought etc ... but would have only got more upset ... Of course this is important. It is of paramount importance to you. It's to honour, respect, remember, commemorate your husband and what he did for his country too ... in my opinion, they should get it right the first time ... it's not too much to ask when your husband and men like him died, lost limbs, lost their minds sometimes. How hard can it be to have a fact sheet by the phone that they can refer to when you contact them? Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr HUGS

:-) it is so good to see your sense of humour is coming back, I can remember your very first post .... Have you surprised yourself? I have. don't disappear again xx

Jeanne, I just don't post if I am in that deep dark place, and I think that on the darker (but not the worst) days, it helps me to read other's ideas, issues, etc as it takes the spotlight off my own ... thanks - that is a very sweet thing to say (but not entirely deserved :-) And never forget that YOU are mine ... esp when I despair over getting our home finished xx

so are you Jeanne xx

have also kept an empty coke bottle that he drank from and a juice bottle. It's those connections to the living him, isn't it? Also proof that they were here, almost, perhaps? I don't think you should ever throw the onion away my friend. It's not hurting anyone. Happy memories :-) I'm having a comfort quilt made out of Cliff's clothes (the ones that he wore a lot, hold special memories, smell of him, looked great in). I have found a magical quilter (she is one of the widow-blog-friends that I've "met" and hope to meet in person one day). So she is making it and incorporating various ideas, such as embroidering on our nicknames, date of marriage, a dragonfly (because of "Waterbugs and Dragonflies" story that gives me so much comfort) and two Levi's back pockets (only the right hand ones!) that I can slip my hand into (when Cliff and I were out socializing, I'd always stand next to him at the bar and fit under his left arm, resting my right hand in his right hand Levi's back pockets). If you'd like to take a look at the work she has done, it is here: http://www.myspace.com/recycledjeans or here http://renaissanceartist.blogspot.com/ (scroll down to bottom to see her "husband quilt") The quilt won't be ready till around January/February, (she is giving me time to get his stuff together so I can DHL it over to her at the end November) ... but I can see myself wrapped up in it, on the sofa watching TV, snuggled up most nights, esp in the winter. -------------------------------

Thank you everyone for the lovely comments. I was SO lucky to have been loved by him, and can still feel that love. Am off to my school reunion weekend tomorrow, so will be back here on Sunday night or Monday xxx

Hello my Harley-riding friend you don't need medication (that made me laugh out loud thank you), you are not going nuts. Well if you are, then most of us here are along with you :-) I still have the Santa's Cliff put up at home around the house ... his mug and bowl are still next to his side of the bed. All the tools and materials are dotted around, just where he left them. NO ONE ever mentions the Santa's but I know that they must see them ... one of them is a ZZ Top one and it is 3 or 4 feet tall! If my house caught fire today, I would take my dogs, his unwashed shirts, his ashes and our photos this is a hard journey that we are on. The hardest of my life that's for sure. Joanne, I have 2 new mantras: breath, breath, be still and it will pass I am moving towards you one day at a time. That was but a taste. Baby, the best is yet to come. Just wanted to share that, it was good to hear from you xx

Hi Kimi - it takes me half an hour to drive into Central London, but I drive fast! So you had to go through your husband's birthday and the anniv of your mom's death yesterday? That must have been harder than I even thought initially! What a heart-warming story, Kimi, that a Welsh girl moved to California and adopted you all ... my Dad's blood came from Wales originally :-) I hope that you enjoyed your margarita (I trust that it was a frozen margarita and it came in a JUG ;-) Let us know how you got on. You may find that today it hits you harder ... that's what happened to me, in fact I was a mess ... thinking of you xxxx

Kimi, I know today will be hard on you. Are you planning to commemorate the day, or would you rather not this year? I actually poured Cliff a drink (vodka, coke, ice to the top of the glass, and a squeeze of fresh lemon) and two of his friends spent the evening with me. The glass sat there all night and I wouldn't pour it away till after midnight. Just a little thing, but it helped me a tiny bit. I didn't want to be alone that day, so am hoping that you have support and friends to love you today. HUGS xx

Hi Mandi I am so sorry that you have lost your Joe. Cancer is a wicked disease and I wish they would find a cure for it. As LarrysGirl has said, I am glad you have found us. The people here are so caring and have empathy. There may be times when you don't want to talk to people because you feel that they don't understand, which is fine ... just remember we are here during those times, especially when you feel very low. There is no correct way to grieve. There is only your way. My personal opinion is, so long as you don't hurt anyone or yourself ... go with whatever works for you. And if you are sleeping, sleep. Please try to eat a little, even if it's just a slice of toast each day. You might think you'll be sick, but you won't. Keep posting, keep talking to us, it does help, little by little, one day at a time. Boo xx

thanks Marty, this is so useful. But it has an added use! I just found that by clicking on various member names (because you cleverly added links to the posts where members recommend the books), not only did it put some context around why the book was recommended, BUT it also gave me a quick tour around issues that we were talking about weeks or months ago, and I thought .... wow, we have all made progress. Albeit small. But we all have. And I never thought I would. Thanks Marty, just wanted to let you know that it had an added bonus for me today :-)

Nancy, welcome to our family. Well done for posting, I know how hard it was for me to post for the first time, but you will not find a more caring and compassionate group of people than those here, nor a finer counsellor. Don't worry if you find that your "topic" has been moved. Marty MAY move it to the "Lost a Spouse Board". There again, she may not , but thought I'd mention it, just in case. We've already been talking through personal messages, so I'll sign off for now ... I think I have talked your ears off enough. HUGS xx

Paula, I'm so sorry that you lost your Tom. I have tears in my eyes while I type this to you. Because you said that your prayed for him to go, so that he would be out of pain. I told my husband that it was alright for him to go, that I would be ok, he was not to worry, that he could go to sleep. When you love someone so much, it kills you to do it, but you can't be selfish, you have to let them go. And you did that. My Cliff died 8.5 months ago and even though the actual memory is painful, I get a lot of comfort from the fact that I did that for him. I hope that you too, in time, will gain comfort for what you did. HUGS xx