Boo Mayhew

Steely, writing this to you is painful because it brings back the memories from those very early days. I can remember wandering, lost in my own home, the fear, the panic, the shock ... very clearly. I can remember kissing walls because he had built them, plastered and painted them. I can remember thinking I was losing my sanity on quite a few occasions. Right now, all you need to try to do is to eat and sleep when you can. Accept help. Accept company. Cry, scream. Please don't let anyone pressurize you into dealing with his clothes or anything, until YOU are ready. There is no timescale for this, and everyone grieves in their own way, so please don't be tempted to compare your journey against others (e.g. I'm not doing that yet and I should be.) I am so so sorry for your loss (I lost my husband to a stroke in January - 10 months ago now - he too was older than I by 9 years and was/is my world) and wish you did not have to walk this path. But you find yourself here ... and we will hold your hand through this. The people are wonderful. I just wanted to share some stuff with you (because there are similarities between our circumstances). What has helped me? Posting here blogging friends and family talking about it my work (company has been very good to me) - it is my major anchor planning stuff to look forward to (trips to visit friends) Reading 3 books: Companion through the Darkness, A Grace Disguised, A Grief Observed What has not helped me? stupid remarks that demeaned what I felt pushing myself too far, not being patient or kind to myself people letting me down What have I learned? I am stronger than I knew I was, but I am also aware of my limits Just because he is gone, it doesn't mean the love has gone too The fifteen years I had with him are worth every second of this pain Not to fight the tears or emotions, it just makes you more exhausted Grief is so tiring, unlike anything else Here are a couple of my recent posts. I only suggest that you read them because I hope that they will give you a little glimmer of hope. I know that it will be incredibly hard for you to sit in the darkness and see the light, especially if the person (me) is a stranger to you ... but we can try. http://boomayhew.blogspot.com/2009/10/tear-down-those-curtains-and-make-me.html http://boomayhew.blogspot.com/2009/11/update-on-wind-and-rain.html http://boomayhew.blogspot.com/2009/09/i-felt-happy-yes-really-happy-for-first.html We are here for you. Please keep posting

Hi Stuart welcome to the family that we are here. I am so so sorry that you have lost your beautiful wife. It will have been a huge shock to you to lose her so quickly, and you are in the very early days - I remember those very clearly I am glad that you have found us because I can honestly say that this forum saved me so many times, when I thought I was losing my sanity, when I thought I couldn't do this, someone is always here to listen, to hold your hand ... and it is a completely safe environment. I found posting so cathartic - when we vocalize what we feel, what we think, what has happened it helps us. Take care, be kind to yourself, eat and sleep when you can, Boo x

What a marvellous positive post - thank you :-) I am at 10 months, and would describe my state as being: still as painful, HOWEVER I have started to adjust ... I am more balanced physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually ... I can (usually) control my tears (e.g. can work full time and rarely at work cry and if I do ... I get a grip quickly) ... I can laugh with people about Cliff, sharing memories ... I can go for a couple of hours without his death being the primary thought ... I have been happy on a few occasions ... I can make plans and look forward to things again (although not the coming holiday season!) ... yes, I'd concur ... definitely made progress even though I was a doubting Thomas in the beginning. I think he'd be proud of me and the biggest learnings I have so far are: not to push myself too hard, be patient with myself, allow myself time to grieve, I've been graced with the gift of empathy, I've blogged, posted here, gone to counselling, and discovered how much hard work grief work is ... I've surprised myself at how strong I could be ... and how much I've retained of what he taught me when I've needed it most. the tsunamis are visiting me less frequently (unless someone is horrible to me, or I feel ill, or scared ... e.g. power cut!) and am sailing on a fairly choppy sea, but in no current danger of capsizing. But when a tsunami brings me to my knees, I consider my outpour as healing, and I welcome it almost (rather than fight it) ... and I tell myself. Breathe, breathe ... be still and this will pass. I am going towards my husband, I have not left him in my past ... that was but a taste - we still have eternity together. My ambitions now are to lead as good and rich and happy a life - this new different unwanted life - make him proud of me .... remember the lessons ... not become bitter but remain the person he fell in love with ... wishing you all strength and peace

Derby, those words are truly beautiful. If you really really truly love someone, you have to let them go. It is the most selfless act we can do for them. And you did. Always remember that .... in the months to come, the knowledge that you did so will give you comfort (it did me). x

Kat, I think weekends are actually the worst days of the week, because it is then that we normally get the time to think, because we are not focussing on our work and chores so much. The house is too quiet. The silence is deafening ... I dread them even now, although at the same time, I take advantage of the time to visit people that I care about and love, sometimes I choose to stay at home alone with my grief ... I potter about, I play on my laptop, I work on my grief. Try and work in some stuff to look forward to, a weekend visit to a friend's, saving up for something that you'd like, I find it helps me a lot. At around the 4 month - 6 month stage, I found that I missed Cliff more ... at least it felt that way. Perhaps it was because I stopped going through the endless random cycle of emotions - anger, guilt, numbness, denial etc - that I was still and quiet enough for the pain to come to the fore - I'm not sure. It is very very tough and painful this journey. Do what you need to do to get through each day at a time ... give yourself permission to grieve as deeply as you must, and remember there are no time constraints ... each person's grief and loss and timescale differs. I think that it would be strange if you could see the light at the end of the tunnel, considering you have only recently (4 months) entered the tunnel. Be kind to yourself. Please have more patience with yourself - you deserve it and you need it. Strength and love to you x

Hi Em ... I have missed you :-) Cliff's sister said to me: "He's still here. You just can't see him." One of his friends asked me: "Can you tell me what happened because I'd like to know." One of my friends sat and held me and cried with me. For hours. Another of his friends told me: "There is going to be a circle of us around you at the funeral and beyond. He's still with you. Just through us." Boo xxx

Hi MdmesX I cannot begin to imagine the pain that you went through and still go through today. I am so sorry. Well done for writing this post because I know that it takes courage to do so, but you have come to the right place for empathy ... the people here are wonderful. You don't mention it, but I hope that you do have a counsellor ... mine is worth her weight in gold, as is Marty (our on line counsellor on this forum). I found this link that may be useful reading for you, but Marty is better placed to advise, I can only sympathize. http://www.birthmotherresources.com/birth_mother/birth_mother_emotional_issues.htm Wishing you strength and peace, Boo

Similar to Korina, I have no fear of death whatsoever now ... and I think it's great to cushion your loved ones from more pain than necessary ... but a word of caution - please don't go back to the same place where you held the funeral in the early days. (I went back to the ward in the hospital where Cliff died soon afterwards because a friend was taken there ... and I started shaking so badly that a nurse came to check on me). I was a mess for a couple of days at least afterwards. Perhaps start to work on what you want - your will, the service, all the details and then find out if they can visit you at home, or if you can liaise by email initially? I just wanted to warn you ... only you know what you are ready for, so it's just a thought, before you drive over there.

Yep, I escaped for a few days to visit an old school friend in Sweden - she lives near a seal colony and we just walked the dog for hours each day ... talking, I slept a lot, ate a little. She just let me do what I wanted and I will always love her for it . This was only 5 or 6 weeks after Cliff died. I'd highly recommend it too x

Oh Valley, that was beautiful and I could hear your love for Tom in your words, very powerful. Made me bawl at work but I don't care. The first photo really shows his character (in his eyes). Yes we carry them in our hearts and their love for us and ours for them still shines on brightly still. Big big hug, hope the brownie and bushmills wasn't too hard for you - he's just waiting patiently for you, you know ... just waiting. What we had was just a taste - next we get eternity with them. xx

hi Ted I'm sorry, all these "slaps in the face" or reality shocks are dreadfully hard to deal with because they are so so painful. I wish that we could have minders surrounding us simply to deal with those phone calls and meetings on our behalf or with us (I kind of did actually as all of Cliff's friends are big guys and helped me with all that stuff, as did his family). There again, I suppose it all helps us to realize/understand that what has happened has actually happened. Keep up with your grievance group and posting here too. I promise you this helps. More than words can say. It is a slow journey, grief work is harder than anything I have ever done in my life. Right now Ted, please just focus on one day at a time, eating and sleeping. take care

sometimes we forget to listen to age old advice and traditions - they do things this way for a reason ...

Hey again, anyone who pressurizes you to put on a brave face has got their head up their a** ... this is your grief and only you know how you feel. Please give yourself permission to grieve as deeply as you need to ... you simply don't have the energy to grieve and keep your act together for the sake of others ... I remember someone telling me, "come on now, chin up, he wouldn't want you moping around" ... LOL, I think my husband would be surprised (shocked even) if I wasn't. Your whole world has shifted on its axis, you have lost half of you ... and your journey has only just begun. Don't worry about what others think, just focus on what you think right now xxx

Kay, you have a gift for understanding people, I mean really understanding them. Thank god we have you here xx

hi both, thought you'd like this link: http://studentsofamf.org/forum/ got it off Marty's new blog here (just in case you didn't check it yet): http://studentsofamf.org/forum/ Love to you both xx

Linda, I think people just want to act as specialists in every subject ... sometimes it is more helpful and more positively impactful to just sit with someone and not speak - let them talk. They don't understand that we don't want to hear these things, in fact, what we need to do (esp in early days is vocalize what we are going through, because that is how we get our minds to process the horror and reality of what has happened). Someone (supposedly intelligent scientist at work) said to me, "oh well, it could be worse. There's a reason for everything. At least you're young." I stood there and said, "hmmmmmm". And I thought what a stupid person you are as I watched her bounce off, clearly happy that she had paid condolences to me!!! What I wanted to say (and prob would today) is: Really! What could be worse than losing my heart, my soulmate, my future that was, and can you please explain what the reason is to me BECAUSE I AM JUST DYING TO KNOW ... and what are you implying with the age thing? That I've got longer to adjust (or be miserable) or perhaps that I should go clubbing a seek a replacement husband, because I'm young enough? Human have an insatiable desire to identify with others (and their feelings) but by doing so, turn the focus on to them (oh I know how you feel, I lost my mom 5 months ago) ... I used to just stand there mute. And the one that really irks me? "I know how you feel." NO THEY DO NOT. How can they? Breaking up with ones boyfriend is not comparable, on any level to your husband dying. The only people qualified to say those words to you are those that walk the same path as we do. The reality though is, thankfully, that after the first few months, you just brush these inane comments off ... they are trying to be your teacher, when in fact, it is you who will be theirs one day .... they mean well xxx (but as my father used to say, "that's the worst insult you can give a man to say he means well"!!)

Asusaman, this site IS great ... I agree, and I know that it almost single-handedly kept me from actually losing my sanity when I thought I was! I remember the awful feeling in my stomach, the fear of it ... the delaying tactics I used - then finally the "whatever" attitude I ended up with the financial stuff. When the insurance money paid out, I lay on the sofa for 5 or maybe 6 days begging Cliff to come and take me with him. I only stood up to let my dogs out or feed them, or to pee or fetch more cigarettes or cans of coke. I didn't even wash for those days. It was the deep dark place - and I let myself go there periodically, but ensure that it's only for a day or a weekend (because I promised Cliff this when I eventually crawled out of that place the first time). Hmmm, the finances ... so - in the end, I just ignored everything and in the end the bank phoned me at work and said something like: "the insurance money has been sitting in your account for almost 4 months ... we have written to you 6 times, we have tried calling you ... clearly this is an issue for us and for you .... so we will make an exception and you can tell us now on the phone to pay off the house". And I did. My soul was crying for him on such a primal level for so long afterwards ... because it was the "final nail in the coffin" (excuse pun - not actually intended!) ... and I was just thinking - it's not fair HE WORKED SO DAMN HARD TO GET THIS HOUSE (deposit), he worked so damn hard on the house (he was a self employed builder) ... and he doesn't get to sit in it when it's finished. I didn't want the money ... I wanted him. They could have given me 10 gazillion dollars and I still wouldn't have swapped him for it. It's not true what people say - "everyone has their price" .... you can't buy some people. What you feel is perfectly normal ... good that you sought company of a friend afterwards :-) (I'd be careful about saying anything ............. anywhere on the internet, you never know ;-) but I'm totally fine with that personally :-) In a while you won't feel so bad about it, but of course the grief remains (at least that's what happened with me). I now sit at home and feel safe and can feel the love here. This is what he wanted ... and I would have if the roles had been reversed ... after all that is why we take out life insurance. BUT, for now it sucks, I know and my heart goes out to you. Keep posting and take care xx

Oh Marsha, it's awful isn't it .... you are kind of swimming along and the current isn't too strong, then you get hit by a tsunami out of nowhere .... and suddenly you are gulping for air .... I think we gradually adjust to being here without them ... but after a while those primal feelings are still really there, and will come back to visit us. It's physical almost - the shock of it - isn't it? Remember my mantra: Breath. Breath. Be still and it will pass. Love you xx

Kay, I'm sorry to read your last post ... although my mind is telling me that it is good to wait and be sure, it is also screaming "live for today because you may not have tomorrow ... as we all know too well), my heart is telling me that I would too, feel rejected, if I were in your shoes. Of course, the reality is you are not (he is simply being careful), but it sure would FEEL like it. If I am brutally honest (and I am talking about ME here not you), reading this condoned my thoughts/decision to remain single ... because although you are good at saying "that was George and this is Jim", I would NOT be! I just know that my contempt for anyone that is not Cliff would shine through too brightly ... or is that because it is still relatively early days for me? I don't know. I certainly will say a prayer for you on the 12th. Have you thought about what you are going to do on that day? Just as with the deathiversaries I reckon you will need a game plan ... I hope Jim takes you for a nice meal, or cooks something special for you at home, just the two of you, so that you feel special, because you are ... to me, and many many people on here. Love to you xxx

Hi there Not2B4got10 I'd like to suggest that you create a new topic, telling us a little about yourself and your loss (your story), in "Behaviours in Bereavement", so that your post is seen and that way you will receive many more responses ... additionally Marty (our wonderful counsellor on this forum) has either written or uploaded some articles on this subject and I'd highly recommend you surf around this extensive resource on the Grief Healing page. In the interim, here is an article that you might like? http://www.griefworksbc.com/TraumaandGrief.asp We have already been speaking via the Messenger, so I will keep this brief :-)

Kath, I send you my love and wish we could all come sit with you tomorrow (25th Oct). My heart is crying for you because I know how hard this is, especially on these big days. I wish for you some smiles and laughter on your special day and hope it passes quickly for you. Love Boo xxx

thanks for the love you guys, it really does feel like family here :-) (James - it sounds like you are making and taking some steps forwards ... well done, I am proud of you. It is so hard, but we are all stronger than we believe we are. JonKoisMom - your words brought tears to my eyes xx) I'll be back!

Chai, what a great topic! I have missed talking to you :-( Wow, amazing songs and lyrics, brought a lot of tears, but they are gentle healing ones ... here's my selection: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=keED-eCum20&feature=related (this reminds me of when I told Cliff it was ok to sleep, that I would be alright and he didn't have to worry about anything, that I loved him and always would, that I wouldn't leave him for a second ... as he died) I used to sing it a lot in happier times but it always choked me even before. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LFRm2srRC64 (I chose this for his funeral, and always sang it to him ... many many happy memories too ... it sums us up v well as a couple) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZpgY5S3AcSw&feature=fvst (Cliff always played this to me) (apt now) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OVLsETDwfWQ&feature=PlayList&p=3AFDE0E2E2DC867F&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=37 (my friend sent this link to me) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EL23cb5SaBg (we got married to this one) http://www.metrolyrics.com/the-time-is-now-lyrics-moloko.html (I play this a lot now, and manage to smile instead of sob) (oh dear, that's set me off) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LK1CGsUi6w4 (strongly identify with this right now, and tend to think of him as a cosmos mariner these days) (no explanation needed) and here are the lyrics to Joe Cocker's "The Great Divide" which I chose to play at his funeral - it summed up (still does) just how I felt/feel: Nights are long And the wind is howling down Into the hollows Somewhere deep inside I can hear you calling out Across the great divide Right or wrong there's a feeling in my heart I try to follow But lately i just hide And my dream of someday crawling out To cross this great divide Isolation Heart like a drum And the beating is wearing me down Standing at the station But the train never comes Still I'm hanging on Like some old ghost town Miles to go but I see that one way out Stars in the distance Skies are open wide Waiting for my soul to rise Above this great divide Desperation Is a dangerous blade In a reckless and trembling hand Sweet salvation Just a thin line away I should cut and run But I'll make my stand Nights are long But I'll close my eyes again Until tomorrow Slip the bonds and ride Touch the face I long to see Above this great divide We'll be all We long to be Beyound this great divide