Boo Mayhew

hi my wonderful friends and also to the new members of our family (I was stunned and so so sad to see how many new widow/ers have joined since I was last here ... time precludes me from replying to each of your posts, apologies. a little note from me to say that my workload is really high and pretty pressurized (it always is in the industry I work in for the last quarter of each year) - causing me to work long hours, which in turn means that I am not able to visit here as often as I'd like, but I do think of you all and wonder how you are doing. Things are not likely to settle down till January now ... but I will come and visit as and when I can. I love and miss you all Boo xxx

Rochel, I find it hard to even remember the earliest days - that first month - because it distresses me so ... so I tend not to very often. I remember shaking because I had to meet the undertaker, I remember crying at the bank and telling them I didn't want his name removed from our cheque book, I remember going to register his death and feeling detached, replying like a robot and then feeling bad that I didn't cry, I remember sobbing when I collected the death certificate and having to ask them if they had his wedding ring (because I'd forgotten that I'd already told them to leave it on him). These bureaucratic obligations are so immensely hard because our emotions are totally uncontrollable, as are our tears ... yet we are forced to comply ... and each one you tackle serves as a knife straight into the heart, because it is asking us to confirm our worst fear has been realized, and in truth we are not ready to do so at one month in ... my heart is with you. One idea ... my sister in law accompanied me to everything ... and took notes. I'd recommend taking someone along ... you simply can't remember anything because your mind is so preoccupied with processing the horror of what has happened. Moral support is good in any event.

Kat, I am so sorry that you have found yourself on this unwanted journey, but we are here for you ... it's fine to be angry. Of course you are angry ... you have had your heart and soulmate stolen from you. Your very world. You may also find yourself feeling guilt (which was my biggest demon) ... and feeling scared as well as unbelieving at times, occasionally questioning your own sanity, not to mention your faith and beliefs. Whatever you feel is okay ... (provided you don't hurt yourself or others physically, I think you can feel what you feel. No one else can tell you how it should be, or that what you feel is bad or wrong - this is YOUR loss and YOUR journey) I'm at 9.5 months and have stopped bouncing around all those emotions that you initially experience constantly (for me for the first 5 months) ... then I simply stopped, and found I had less inner turmoil ... yet it made the pain the only thing that I had to focus on. It was at 5 months that I quesitoned my strength and felt panic. How did I get through it? I came here and wonderful friends such as KayC, Valley et al all told me that it was normal ... that I would be okay .... and I chose my emotion. Instead of panic, I told myself (aloud usually). Shhh, be still and it will pass. And it did. Scream, break old china, rant, shout, sob ... get it out. Out is better than in. xx

Lindakoz, I am so sorry for your loss ... and remember being at one month very clearly. It is a time of such fear, I can remember holding my breath unconsicously and wondering if I was losing my sanity. The pain, fear, numbness, shock, acute raw exposed pain ... my heart goes out to you :-( For the first month I was away from home (arranging funeral in our old hometown, then went to Sweden for a week straight after to be with an old school friend and just rest), then back to work, routine and home alone. The first night alone was hard, beyond hard, but I told my dogs that things were changing and that they would now be sleeping with me (they happily obliged) ... I got new habits that helped me cope, such as shut the curtains and put on nightlamp in bedroom as soon as I got in from work (it made the room feel less dark and sad somehow), getting into bed to watch TV or DVD and putting contrast and volume very low with subtitles so that if I fell asleep, it wouldn't wake me up again in the middle of the night, keeping one of his pillows under the duvet so I could hold it and smell him in (don't wash your sheets yet!), and very importantly ... talking to someone for a good chat (someone who knows you and your husband well and is happy to chat at length is best). Initially my front door was the catalyst for me completely losing it - the door symbolized pain ... after a few more weeks it evolved into something far more friendlier ... the door was my sanctuary - as soon as I stepped through it ... I felt closer to him, also I could outpour, vent, scream, sob, sit, think, ignore the world even. A small first step, and this is how we start. Please only attempt little things, slowly slowly, one day at time, one step at a time, when YOU are ready (don't let anyone pressurize you!) Take care, you will find the strength within you ... but at one month, just be. All you need to focus on is sleep when you can, eat a little (even dry toast once a day to start with), try to see someone each day, try to get up and shower and dress ... don't bother with makeup - you only cry it right off.

Korina, you might like to read this article, as I'd actually say that it should be called the 4 - 7 month low (as we all go along this journey at our own pace) ... you may find it confirms everything you are feeling now, and give you a tiny shred of help simply by confirming that it's normal. I find identifying with others very helpful ... it makes me feel less alone. http://www.merrywidow.me.uk/guide_full.html#TheSixMonthLow Love to you

Argh, I just had to add "next of kin" info on my Virgin Atlantic Boarding Pass for tomorrow's flight to Savannah ... it actually made me feel nauseous filling it out. I put down my sister in law this time! Speak to you all when I get back on the 20th October xxxx

Oh yes, this one really hurt me at work. My hands were shaking when I input the new next of kin, and can't actually remember who I put ... it would have been my sister or nephew, but not sure now, it's completely blank! It's another one of those: "he's really not coming back" moments, and then you have to look at yourself and ask who is actually that close to you ... all I ever wanted or needed was him.

PaulaB, thanks for this post, because you have just reminded me that I told Cliff that I would be ok minutes before he died ... and that it was ok to go to sleep because he didn't need to worry about anything anymore. So that was a promise really too, and now that I have realized that, it makes it slightly easier to go forwards, make plans, be happy once more ... slowly slowly xx

I'd agree, I think if we look too hard for signs we don't see them, and we get them when we need them, rather than when we want them. Wishing you all strength

My driving confidence has improved, I have sorted my own finances out, I learned to drive on the wrong side of the road (abroad), have managed to make plans, have become more analytical, have more empathy, am stronger than I ever knew. Mrs B - PLEASE do not ever pick up a weapon that someone else can take off you and use against you ...

Kay, I am so sorry that I missed your birthday (I too have been too busy to get online here). I hope that Jim will be around a little more to help you adjust to your son and dog moving away :-( Boo xxxx

Well done for planning. The flowers, photo and card are beautiful. Duke will be close to you tomorrow, it's just that you can't see him. These anniversaries are very tough, and I send you my love.

I sure did want to, but was careful because I knew that it would have a worse effect on me because of what happened a week after Cliff died ... I shared a bottle of good quality red wine with his brother at a family dinner out, and it totally magnified all the pain, the fear and I totally lost it ... I was screaming and howling at Cliff begging him to come and get me, whilst lying in the snow, wearing only jeans and a shirt. I remember not feeling cold. Otherwise all I can remember is Cliff's older brother carrying me into a car, and then I laid screaming on the lounge floor ... to be honest, the shock may have come with or without the wine ... but I feel like I don't want to go there again. I honestly felt my sanity waving goodbye to me. What I needed was social drinks with friends and luckily I got that. I do allow myself a vodka and coke weeknights if I fancy one, otherwise I'm a weekend drinker. Drink is fun when you are in control of it, not the other way round, and you are the last person who needs to be told that ... but what I am trying to say is, it is also fun in company, not alone. It is a huge "downer". And jeez, we don't need to be more down than we are - in fact, could we be???? I tried anti-depressants and had adverse reaction to them, culminating in me having suicidal thoughts (very different to the mindset that most widow/ers have of "I want to be with him/her." The latter is a passive wish, the former is a dangerous place to be, esp when vulnerable. BUT THIS IS IMPORTANT - I AM IN THE VERY SMALL MINORITY - most people would be 100% fine with them. Personally, I define depression as being sad without a reason. Well, we are sad and we have a reason - a very big one ... grief is something that we can't really delay or numb, it will come out in other ways (physically, mentally etc) What I have learned, now at 9 months along, I am stronger than I knew, and I am still breathing ... not a huge learning, but I think it's what you need to hear? That you too will get to where I am. Yes, the pain is sometimes unspeakable, and you feel like you are drowning .... breath, be still, and it will pass (everytime I feel that I can't do this ... I say those words out loud to myself.) Taking meds is a personal decision tho, please don't think that you should necessarily do what I did ... because that was the right decision for ME only. Perhaps consult your doctor and make an informed decision with him. Many widow/ers take them and swear they work a little magic for them. Please just take some time to think before getting (or not) your Rx. Boo xx

Yes am fine Korina ... what happened was my dog-sitters boyfriend turned out to be a thief. Rolex, an antique planter pot, some boxes of Cliff's building materials (electrical and plumbing stuff I think) has gone too. Little b@stard .... so some of Cliff's friends are hunting him down to get the stuff back, and they are staying here when I'm on vacation etc .... thank god they are all there for me!

Absolutely, I can feel him near sometimes, when I really most need him. I can actually feel the love - it wraps me up. I was really ill 2 weeks ago, had swollen ankles and feet to complement my swollen blood pressure ... just really felt so rough, and I SWEAR that I could feel him holding me in bed ALL night, I didn't feel the need to turn round and look ... I knew he would not appear to be there, but he was there - just in a different way, but every time I awoke, which was many times that night, I knew he was holding me ... in the morning, the first words out of my mouth were: thank you for staying with me all night, Baba ... I love you. Also I was driving too fast (as usual) and it was like someone shoved me back into the seat, quickly, firmly, but not frightening or painful ... I knew it wasn't something normal intuitively, so slowed right down ... and narrowly avoided a collision with two cars that crashed in front of me. I would have piled into both of them at 90mph - hmmmmmmm.

It's 04h00 here in the UK and I can't sleep because someone has burgled me. I'm not capable of writing anything semi-sensible to you, but I wanted to give you a cyber-hug and share my mantra with you, which is: Breath, breath, be still and it will pass. In addition, I'm adding some wise words from Winnie-the-Pooh: If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart.. I’ll always be with you.

I'd ask him if he was okay first and how much he missed me. I'd tell Cliff that every second of this unspeakable pain is worth the time I had with him. I'd tell him that love IS eternal, and that I was moving towards him, back home, one day at a time, trying to make him proud of me. I'd ask him if he flitted around the cosmos at breakneck speed, and if he checked on me hourly, daily or how often. I'd ask him for reaffirmation that so far I'd done ok. I would insist that he told me he missed me as much as I missed him. I'd sacrifice EVERYTHING apart from my soul (because that is how we are still linked and connected after all, in my mind) ... just for a TASTE of him. But it would never be enough. I'm half relieved this is a hypothetical question, because I'm not sure I could say goodbye to him again. I might not come through the darkness a second time.

Kathy, anger makes you not care if the rest of the family likes your new "look", but love will drive you to keep applying the makeup, to get the new cut trimmed to retain its shape. Do it for Jon. Everything I do, I do for Cliff, and no other reason - you have inspired me yet again. Sending you my love, Boo xx

Em, we struggle with the reality issue for a long time. I find that hardest (after the guilt demon) and every now and again it hits you so hard that it can bring you to your knees. I'm sorry that you have a tsunami of grief right now instead of calmer waters. You will navigate back to the ripples and smaller waves again ... please believe that my young friend. I wish you didn't have to suffer this - it does not seem right or fair at your age, it really doesn't. HUGS hon xsxxxxx

The candle sounds as though it was meant to be. I am so sorry for your loss.

Hi Em, can you look into the possibility of studying in the country and area where your family live? Or taking a year out to work there perhaps? I don't know if you speak the language even, but why not explore the different options? It could turn into a positive adventure and experience for you. Your Dad's family would doubtlessly welcome you into the fold with happiness. I would if you were my family :-) HUGS

Kathy, I am so sorry. I have learned that grief is cumulative, so each time we grieve, we seem to relive the losses we have had to endure. It was for this reason that my family literally forbade me to attend my aunt's funeral, as well as a friend's after losing Cliff. Please go gentle on yourself now, you need to be able to grieve and reflect, to have time. I fear that you will not get this time my friend, but please try. Sending you a big hug and my love, xx

Paula, I can't add anything to what the others here have said, but I hope that you feel some degree of comfort when you have carried out your love's wishes. It is your place as his soulmate to do so, and I have every faith that you will find the strength. Please be gentle to yourself. HUGS

Kimi, I'm sorry for the shock of finding yourself in the area that brought back such vivid memories for you. I too had an experience of this and started shaking so much that a nurse in the hospital came over to check that I was ok. It's hard to describe ... but yes, it brought it all back so vividly it was so hard, and affected me badly for a while after. Please rest and do what you can to bring yourself back to where you left off. You will. You have made some progress even if it doesn't feel like it. You have. You will get back there I promise you. Please come back and tell us how you are doing. xx