Boo Mayhew

Laurie, thank so much for your post. That is so kind of you. xx

Furkid, the special days for me are always the hardest. I still get upset when it's my parents birthdays and I lost them 14 years and 16 years ago. I wouldn't be without my dogs, in fact I think that every widow/er should have one!!! But you're right it's not the same :-(

LOL

Kay, I just wanted to add that even though you are learning, you are simultaneously TEACHING many of us here, myself included (for sure). Thank you for that, always, and also, can I reiterate what Kath said, because she is right. You are a wonderful, loving (and loveable) woman and again I am thankful we have you here xx

Larry's Girl, I can only echo what Marty and Walt have said. I also think that Anniversaries are always painful. Whether they are wedding anniversaries, death anniversaries, birthdays or Thanksgiving. There is no timeframe, and we all grieve in different ways and on differing timescales ... because our loves, our losses and dreams are all unique. We are unique, and it is that unique you that Larry fell in love with. For you to face Larry's Birthday tomorrow AND the anniversary of the day that your whole world shifted on its axis today is EXTRAORDINARILY hard. I will light a candle this evening, for the love that is yours. Yours and Larry's. You may be cruelly separated physically, but I believe that soulmates can NEVER be separated, not really. It's hard for us to bear the pain, I know we all struggle each and every day, but I honestly, hand on heart believe, that my soul is still attached to his and nothing, nothing, nothing, could ever alter that fact. From reading your posts over the past 10 months, it sure sounds like your soul and Larry's are entwined too, and always shall be. I'm sorry, there are no words are there, not really ... but I'm thinking of you. xx

thanks for all those replies, and I'm glad you all felt the same way I did about the blog post ... although I wish you didn't have to ... I am thankful for having found you all here (Marty thank you that was a lovely thing to say) and I am also thankful that we don't celebrate Thanksgiving here in the UK - because it's one less holiday to get through Christmas IS going to be hard. I am going to visit friends and family, but sleeping at home. And on New Year's Eve I'm going to be talking to some widows by phone, because I just feel like I need that connection ... next year I might be able to stand there and kiss everyone but not this year. xx

I just had to share this blog post I read today, because even though most of us are DREADING Thanksgiving (in the States and Canada), Christmas and New Year's Eve, this really gave me some comfort, some hope ... that one day, we might be able to celebrate the holidays instead of wishing they weren't coming around the corner at us. I hope it gives you the same shimmer of light in the darkness, all of you. http://widowsvoice-sslf.blogspot.com/2009/11/when-there-are-no-thanks-to-be-given.html Boo xx

Dearest Chai I will be holding you in my heart tomorrow. There are no words really ... except to say that I will be thinking of you. Love from Boo xxxx

I'm not sure if it's the moon or the hormones, Kathy ... to be honest! xx

Lucia, I am glad you told him because it will give him a lot of warmth and comfort. I should have known you would have, and only mentioned it in case ... because sometimes it is hard to see beyond our own agonizing pain. I hope that the birthdays in the park were good medicine for you and didn't only serve to remind you that your precious Ben wasn't physically there with you ... although I for one believe that he was there ... you just can't see him. Love to you x

I've noticed that every full moon I really go down fast. Everything is magnified. Darker, worse, I can't really cope with it ... does anyone relate? Please answer the poll ... I'm interested to see if this is normal.

Em, I think your Dad is extremely proud of you for doing what you are doing. It is the greatest honour you can bestow on him, to simply try moving forward/onward. A friend of mine who is a counsellor (and lost her baby son) tells me that it is as important to take a break from grief work as it is to work on your grief. I guess that is what distractions are? You know your name here sums it all up. You do feel empty inside, broken, as we do when we lose those we love. When you grieve you do find it hard to get passionate about anything, it makes you feel tired and despondant, it's as though your feet move forward but your heart couldn't care less whether you do or you don't. If you are not distracted, it takes every ounce of strength and will that you have to do the smallest of things. While we grieve it's as though we become shadows of our former selves, our lives feel as though they are not fulfilled or right or normal. And that's the crux of it. We are taking those little baby steps, learning how to adapt ... how to live without them being physically here with us, whilst, at the same time, loving them, missing them and feeling all of the emotions that goes with the territory. No wonder we are jaded. Don't ever feel as though what you feel or do isn't right. It is what it is. You feel what you feel. I'm not surprised, having lost such a special Dad ... but I equally know that one day, who knows when, but it will come ... you will carry him in your heart and smile again. You will find yourself saying things he used to say and make the world a better, wiser place because of it ... you will be again, you will live life with passion again, just not yet. Not yet. I wish you didn't have to go through this, truly. People say we are brave or strong but the truth is we have no option. Peace, light and love to you xxx

Lucia, anniversaries are always extremely painful. I reckon they may always be. I'm sorry that you have to go through this. Reading both your posts within this topic brought back vividly things that my Dad and Aunt said to me a long time ago: My Dad told me that sometimes it hurt him to look at me because I looked like/sounded like my Mom so so much. Although he said that I was not quite as good looking as my Mom (I liked that because it showed me how much he loved her). It made me feel sad yet it also gave me comfort that I took after her - please be sure to tell Benito how you feel because from what you have told us about Ben, it will make him feel proud and will also ensure that he understands why you are not looking at him!!! If he is not told then his own imagination will fill in the gaps and that could lead him to who knows where ... My Aunt told me that my Grandmother had told her that as we get older/bereaved ... we are left with the memories and that is what is the most important to us. I find myself agreeing with both of them today, and I know you do too from what you have written here in this topic. I wish you strength and peace in the days ahead, and really really hope that you will feel a teeny tiny bit lighter in a while, once the anniversary has passed. Please don't feel bad for how you feel Lucia, how could you feel any other way, having lost such a wonderful husband?

Korina, the person who sent you that is a good friend and also "gets it" <3 I love especially the part about trusting that you are exactly where you should be along this journey. On this forum, reading other's blogs, I see the statement/question ... I'm not doing this or that yet. When should I/will I do this or that. God knows I have asked these questions time and time again. It is what it is, this beast ... we should never compare ourselves with others even if they share much of what we feel/do. Each one of us needs to accept that our loss is ours, our journey is ours, we are all different and therefore our grief journey differs. I loved reading that your apartment is full and happy. Scott loves you my friend, take care of yourself xx

Marie, I am deeply sorry for your huge loss. I cannot imagine what you feel because I was never blessed with children, but I do know what it is like to be separated from someone I love beyond words. I just wanted to say that I used to suffer from ulcerative colitis - it is a dreadful disease and I am fortunate because mine has gone into remission. You are quite right ... I was never warned about this complication either. I wish you strength and peace along your journey. In my thoughts, Boo xx

Kath, you are a gifted writer ... the poem is wonderful Bob has such a kind smile. Thank you for sharing this with us, it's beautiful xx

oh Joanna, I am so so sorry that this has happened, especially so soon after losing your beautiful Denny. You are still raw, this will be tough, so am relieved you are being sensible and taking time out from work. What awful news for you to bear. I am sure that because he was good to you that Denny will be there with him, to welcome him and make sure that he is not frightened. Hugs to you xxx

Not2b4got10, you have found the right place to talk this through. It is such a safe environment, no one here would ever dream of saying "get over it". We have all been burned by the flames of grief here and you will find nothing other than empathy here. Could you perhaps start by telling us your story? It helped me to do this. Simply telling someone what you are going through gives some validation. It's a starting point ... we are here to hold your hand through this. x

Mary Linda, I'm so sorry that you don't have the support that you deserve. I guess we all grieve differently and I remember my Dad always trying to be brave in front of me. That makes me feel ashamed now. I wish I had put my arms around him more now. For some reason I am so scared to cry in front of others ... if I do, like at work today, and because I was in pain (crick in neck) my boss told me she thought I should be at home, and I practically begged her, "please don't send me home, I can't do another day thinking and crying" and started crying ... but I rapidly control myself. The thought of someone holding me and me crying terrifies me. I only do this in front of my dogs but my counsellor tells me that I need to cry with other people too. I'm just not ready to do it. I don't know why even. I wish someone would do that for you though because you want to ... you deserve it. You deserve a lot of love ... you given us all love and patience and strength. xx

Mary Linda You have become so special to me, you are such a kind and gentle person that it seems too cruel that you have to go through this. I just wanted you to know that I will be thinking of you on November 8th on Tom's birthday. I hope the day isn't too tough for you and that you smile at memories in between your tears. Cuddle Shadow lots :-) Have you made plans to spend the day or evening with someone? Lots love Boo xxxx

Paula, this is perhaps the subject that saddens me the most. I can honestly say that the people who have abused my trust set me backwards around 3 months of progress. It's awful. It still upsets me. And I need to leave it behind me but it's hard to ... and here you are - and you have already managed to come to terms with it, so a huge well done to you for your pragmatism and attitude. For some reason I turn into an immature teenager when faced with stuff like this :-( It is heartbreaking when people turn their thoughts to material things when you are missing someone so much that you have to focus on breathing sometimes. Surreal. I read Stephanie Erikkson's "Companion through the Darkness" and she says that grief makes you re-write your address book. Amen to that. HUGS

Chai, I hope this works out for you because having a support network is so key to our healing ... it's just so nice to be able to talk to others that "get it". x

Cliff taught me never to give up and he taught me a lot about people. He taught me about myself too. He taught a lot of other people how to do stuff like roofing, building etc. God I miss him

I tried phoning Cliff on his cellphone 48 hours after he died. I took a photo of my lounge 3 weeks after he died ... to see if the camera's eye could see him, even tho I could not

I've lost the extra weight that I'd gained ... and kept it off ... I sometimes reply, "Yes, it's the Misery Diet".