Rochel

Dear Kat, I feel your pain and sadness...days like you had are the pits...I know how much you miss Pat..as I miss my Bob...We are all on the same page on this site...so we can say "Dear Friend, I know how you feel"..I keep reading all the grief books I can get my hands on to find out some way of feeling better...but the feeling better just does not happen...I think we have to go through all this pain for some reason and maybe someday we will know...I read this in an email from a site that Lindakoz told me about and it brought some peace of mind..."I hope that it helps you for the day..."Rochel...Bless you Kat.... "Knowing the Lord and His comfort does not take away the ache; instead, it supports you in the middle of the ache. Until I get home to heaven, there's going to be an ache that won't quit. The grieving process for me is not so much a matter of getting rid of the pain, but not being controlled by the pain."

I had a wonderful dream about my Bob...I was standing on a street (don't know where) and he walked up to me with a whole group of other people and they all seemed to be very bright and lit up...My husband included..He turned to me and smiled and looked very healthy and happy and put his hands on my shoulders and gave me the best kiss like a Heavenly kiss (not to use a cliche) but it was very warm and comforting, then he smiled again...beautiful smile and started to walk away and....I asked him if he could see me from there and he smiled and didn't answer and walked away, with all the people leaving at the same time..I woke up feeling blessed and comforted and not in that horrible heavy sorrowful place...I'm praying for another dream like this one...Hope everybody has a day of hugs....Rochel

Dear PK Like everybody else told you welcome to this wonderful caring family...I stop here at least 3 times or more a day..it is like stopping in to talk with friends that truly understand...I have many friends, but the friends here are walking a mile in eachother's shoes every minute of every day...Some days harder than others..that is why you need us...I'm sorry that you lost Randy..Try to read as many good grief books as you can...They give you information that you haven't even thought of and other info that you are going thru and can relate to...As far as, does it change us losing our loves? YES a resounding YES for the good??? who knows..all I know is that it is too hard to be around people without spilling my guts and tears and since that is so hard for me, I chose to keep it to myself....except here...stop in anytime..we are all here to be a safe place to fall...Blessings, Rochel

Thank you for your replys...I like the part that grief has its own timetable...wow is that true...ane shows no mercy...I think thst I have been going to bed too late...and not getting enough sleep...it takes so much out of your to cry a lot of the time...I like this having more outward control over this thing called "grief"...It is very difficult to explain what grief is all about to your friends, but somehow they understand...Next time, I will just cancel the plan and stay home...If you all want to see something very heart warming watch this video....and be blessed...

Hi Linda, This is very good Linda...I'm not that good at crying in front of people, probably a childhood thing.."If you are going to cry I'm going to give you something you'll really cry about" my parents wouldn't let us cry...Glad to hear about the signs from Brian...sunshine and hawks and his Love...We really need these signs from our Honeys...They say that time heals all wounds "even this one"???? Blessings, Rochel

A Friend was asking me for months to come to her house for a visit...I don't know if this has happened to any of you...when I got there grief hit me like a ton of bricks and I wished I was home crying my eyes out...she understood but I was so "not" fun and I couldn't shake the heaviness...She talked I listened the best I could but I couldn't communicate because I was in sorrow again..yesterday was better today NOT...You never know when it is going to hit you and what kind of mood it puts you in...why must we be at the mercy of this crappy grief...???I just want to live again and forget my pain...what are all of you doing when it hits???and here comes another weekend...!!!Love to you all...Rochel...sorry to be such a downer...they say that misery loves company

Hi Debbie, How courageous you are returning back to work so soon in your loss...I would tell everybody that "I'm here but normal for me is different" "please understand and be patient with me, I break easy" Tell some of the caring ones to help you thru your first time back and don't think of "I'm a widow now" think of it as "I'm being taken care of by God now"...I'm so glad that you are taking 1/2 days to get used to the routine again...Yes, I know what you mean you are a "new me"...this gives people a chance to learn to open their hearts, especially if they were there for you when your hubby was sick.....you know the ones that will be there for you now.....they will like the "new you" because when people approach you, they will with grace know that you are hurting, and if not then go to that quiet place that you have found with this loss and find acceptance there...I will pray that work will not be stressful for you and when you get home, you will be tired but grateful that you got the first day under your belt. Bless you Debbie, Rochel

Dear jrm, I know what you mean...I get tired of doing everything around here...I got crabby last night because when I was balancing the checkbook that got so behind because of my hubands death..I found out that our credit card was cancelled because he was the major card holder...Now, I have to wait for them to call me and qualify all over again with the new income social security etc. It sucks...anger on top of grief...yard work was shared along with the housework..We shared our love and duties and it worked out beautifully, now I procrastinate in taking care of anything here.....We also had very good communication and lots of laughs, none of that here...I miss my friend, my buddy and my pal...just want to vent...thanks for listening.

Hi Linda, I hear your heart and I know that you loved Brian like a wife and your pain is just as real as all of us are experiencing...your heart has been broken also....Our children are so dear especially at this time...I hope that you and your son had a good visit...I notice that after people are all around me and I'm preoccupied with them, then the grief is on hold..after my friends left on Friday I had a really hard time with feeling sorry for myself...I realize that when I get this way, I can't control my pain...It is awful and it is like a runaway train...I'm glad that you are going to go to your first grief group on Thurs...don't put this off, you will be glad that you went...I'm also glad that your big heart will be out ministering to others when the time is right..why do we have to suffer such pain to give to others...Did you read Kath's letter??? Even though you are not a widow, you loved "Well" and that is what is important and you and Brian made others feel comforted...and you loved him straight to Heaven.....His family is blessed to have you, you have a lot to pass on to them.....Bless your day, Rochel

Hi Kath, Wow, I just reaqd your letter and it blessed me so much...I will read what the Bible says about widows...and I'm sure widowers are in there too...I know that God is our husband now and he will see us through these very rough times...I will be relocating to Calif. the end of the month and having this website to take with me, I feel better about leaving....your letter hits home as far as how we are to value ourselves as widows and widowers...I think further in this healing I will get my compassion back for others....I used to be right there for the hurts of others, but since I am licking my own wounds I'm out of commission....I know that God wants all of us to be there for others...but He also knows that we all need to heal...I will be so gald when I happily greet the morning like I used to...I just ordered the book that Boo mentioned entitled "Hurry Up and Grieve" I know that we cannot, but maybe there are some things that I can learn....Thanks again for your sweet and wise reply...Bless you, Rochel

Hi Linda, I too had a rough weekend....I thought I would never stop crying Friday and Saturday...I realized what I liked about my husband the most was that he liked most anything I did...my looks, what I did around the house, cooking, etc; and a lot of what I did was to get his approval...I think that me wanting that approval is what has tripped me up so much lately...like I'm not worth much without him, but I remembered a message I heard on the radio...our mates are not who defines us, it is God who defines us and He doesn't make junk...When I think of the word "wife" vs "widow" wife seems like it is a person that is valued...Now, I have to change something in my head that I'm the same person and I am valued without Bob in my life...It is so hard to think that way, but for me and my sanity, I have to move from this low self esteem and value who I am...without the love of my life cheering me on...Very difficult, but with God's help I have to do it to get out of this heaviness...I pray for all of you to find out what makes you valuable... Also Ted, Adrianne would be very proud of you for taking such a difficult step in getting some of her clothes out of the house...I still can't bring myself to do this...I'm so glad that there is not right or wrong way to do this..and if anybody tells you how to grief then you are going to have to "hit" them...figuratively speaking of course...I hope this is the basement level for you too...I'm so glad that we are all here for eachother...hugs from Arizona....Rochel Blessings, Rochel

Korina...you have the best photo on here cause Scott is up close and personal...I always feel comforted by your photo...I can't seem to find one without so many pixels whatever that means...I guess I will have to keep trying...Thanks, Rochel

My Dear Steely...Don't let this pain consume you...I totally understand...It is so difficult to look at their clothes...It will be a long time before I'm ready to let go of Bob's clothes...I just cried so loud today when I thought the longest we have ever been apart was when he was training for an insurance job....9 weeks.......and that seemed so long to me...I too think he is going to come in from a long trip and now never will I see him again until Heaven and I lose it with this type of thinking;..It hurts to think and it hurts not to think...I'm so glad that you have the support group meetings...It sure doesn't get easier but with God you can eventually get thru this...He will see you through...and I'm talking to myself in this too....Bless you, I will pray for you...Rochel

Hi Marsha, This helped me just now what this woman told you...I'm always trying to hold back the tears because it hurts so much to cry sometimes and sometimes it doesn't...this journey is such a roller coaster...I will think of the raw wound healing and try to give myself time to get through this...I just filled out a survey for Hospice and it all came back again..and I started to cry and get mad and tell God it is not fair...It is not God's fault....He is just bigger than the situation and I know that He can handle it...Bless you Marsha, Rochel

Notify the Hospice in your area and try to email them...find out specifically where the meetings are held and stay with it because they are worth it...especially with Chrismas coming and how are we going to handle our new found grief..Find a nice person to help you and don't give up until you wrestle them to the floor...God bless you in your search...Rochel

Hi Paula, I'm so glad that the good Lord gave you peace with this and you found out the truth about these so called friends and family members..My Bob would always warn me about people and what they were after...I have true friends, however they love God and wouldn't use anybody...with you knowing this about them...you save yourself much stress and heartache and energy, which we so desperately need in this lousy grief cycle...may you get much needed rest dear Paula...bless you, Rochel

My Bob taught me to be cautious at all times...he did not trust most people and therefore we did not get taken like others....He was the best at listening to others..a wonderful sense of humor and very intelligent...He loved animals especially our Cocker Spaniel and now I have to quit because I'm getting one of the punches in the stomach..."hit to the gut"...so awful...Rochel

I just heard today how much we have to be proactive with letting all the agencies know of your loved ones death...In this lousy world we live in with idenity theft on the rise, it is imperative that we send to the following death certificates: All Credit Report agencies (Experian, Equifax, Trans Union and Innovis), allCredit Card companies, Department of Motor Vehicle, Your banks, Power company, water, gas, mortgage company, insurance companies, naturally Social Security, VA, and any stock market accounts...Especially if your spouse only has these accounts in their name only....this is all such stress to notifiy all these places, but if we don't, we will have more stress than we know what to do with....If I forgot any place, please let me know. I know this may bum us out...and it is a lot to do...I just finished getting all the addresses and now to send out the death certificates with a letter...we have to protect ourselves, our finances, our credit and our mental and emotional health..in this state of shock and grief, we have to think like an identity thief...Love to you all...if you all want these addresses I will post them here...Rochel

My Dear Linda, I just saw your post about tears coming down your cheeks and I started to cry....I feel your pain so much...I have so many people around me all the time and I just want Bob...I would like you to send me your cell if you want to....I would like to pray for you over the phone and touch base....if you do not want to I understand....It is kind of chancy to give personal info...I would love to be here for you...I'm surprised that we don't have permanent lines going down our cheeks from the tear stains....I wish I could suggest something to help you, but I haven't discovered what will help me...I stay occupied with my house which triggers in Bob memories...I'm sure that Brian's arms were the best...I will pray that you have Brian's sweet arms around you tonight...I have not had dreams that I even remember lately...where do you work....maybe I can call you at home tonight...It is Friday and the weekend is coming...Glad your son is coming home for a visit...Bless you Linda and know that I'm here for you...Rochel

Dear SD2, I bet it is hard for you to put single dad...I'm glad that I made that next step however, today there is no purpose again and I have to be a self starter....very difficult...one foot in front of the other...I hope that you have a good support group or system that you can run to...It is a "kick in the gut" feeling...Hope your day has a bright spot...bless you, Rochel

Thank you Linda...what a beautiful letter...I still do not know how to put a photo on this forum...do you...??? I keep reading the Grief book in hopes that something will change with my sadness...when I come here I read, post and sometimes feel better and sometimes worse...but all the time I feel heard and loved...we are all in the same boat and the Lord is pulling us along...I keep myself so busy sometimes that I'm really worn out... but when you stop, then you hear the quiet and it is deafening...Love to you Dear Linda...Rochel

Hi Debbie, I;'m glad that the group was a comfort to you...I went to one and there were men and women of course all grieving and the men were having a harder time than the women...We all had our story to tell and it was very difficult but we helped one another too...Next meeting, we are going to have a "Christmas Workshop" helping you to get thru the Holidays and they will issue a workbook...Keep going to these Debbie..when I relocate in Calif. I will look for them there...It will be so hard to leave but my mom needs me and I need her...Bless you, Rochel

Today was a very emotional day...I asked 2 of my dear friends to help me to scatter Bob's ashes under his favorite tree...Extremely difficult but it was finally accomplished...We prayed, listened to music (his favorite) and circled the tree opened the box...and let them be scattered...I did a little bit and my friend Anita scattered all the rest..while Kathy helped hold me up...It hit me so hard and now I feel like I have a sinus headache...Another closure that had to happen and you get so mad because...there are such a whole gambit of things that have to be done...another ripping away of the one-flesh relationship the husbands and wives enjoy....I loved being Bob's wife and it is so difficult being a whatever we are being when you become a widow...I hate that word...Why have we become widows and widowers when we gave our blood, sweat and tears to our loved ones...It doesn't seem fair...I'm glad that you are all here to help me thru this..and I will be glad to catch you when you fall...we all need to support one another...Thanks for being here...Love to you all...Rochel

I was told today that I looked good...my response wanted to be I bet my broken heart looks like crap....and I don't feel how I look...Rochel

Yes we do have our memories, but at this time being so new to this dreaded griefyness the memories just make me cry and hurt...I wonder when they won't hurt but comfort me...Right now, it is the ashes and clothes that I'm trying to wrap my heart around and let go...At the end of the month, I will be visiting my mom for awhile....I'm leaving it open ended for my return...we may get on eachothers nerves and I will be back before Christmas...it just depends...I have not gotten mad at God because my Bob drank too much, took pain medication and chewed tobacco...all that along with Prostrate cancer caused Kidney failure and he more or less killed himself...If I was to get mad at somebody, it would be him...but I'm not going there either...The good Lord has His will for my life and I will find out in time...in the meantime, I will cry everyday and try to heal...Love to you all..Rochel