LindaKoz

I thought I was doing pretty good today. Spent some time walking on a beautiful sunny day with my best friend. We had a good conversation and though there were tears as we talked about Brian, there was also a sense of peace. Unfortunately it didn't last. When I got home my son and I raked some leaves in our back yard and memories of last year flooded my mind. I started thinking how if Brian and I had been raking the leaves together we would be laughing and having fun and then we would come inside, make dinner, and have a few beers. All of a sudden overwhelming emotions took over and I was sobbing uncontrollably. I miss him so much and my heart is aching. How am I ever going to put myself back together? How will I find a new way to live without the man I love? Once again I am thankful for all of you because I know you understand what I am experiencing. Thanks for being there and for letting me lean on you when I am unable to stand. It really does help to ease the pain just a bit. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Debbie, Your ideas are such a wonderful way to honor Dean. I love the idea of the candle, the Bible, and encouraging people to include their own memories. I hadn't really given much thought to decorating for Christmas. My cats would destroy a tree but I think I might create a tribute to Brian either on the mantle or on the top of our entertainment center. Maybe it will help me to get through the difficult days that loom ahead. Thanks so much for sharing your tribute and for giving me some thoughts and ideas. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi All, Well I made it home. During our drive there were some tears -- maybe not such a great thing while driving but I'm getting used to it. My son is amazing. He gave up his entire Thanksgiving break from college to spend time with me as I try to heal from this great sadness. But, he loves Brian also and he understands my loss. Coming home was very difficult but my son and my sister spent the evening with me. We drank some wine and just talked. With the two of them I am able to break down when I need to and they understand. My sister was very close with Brian also and she misses him. I guess it is true that we need to face our new lives one day (or one moment) at a time. I'm trying to be gentle with myself but tonight I did give in to the guilt. My son assured me that I did all that I could do with the knowledge that I had. I just wish I had known more and was able to do more. But, it is what it is and I will keep trying to live. If I don't, it will be a dishonor to Brian's memory because he lived his life to the fullest. Thanks for all of the prayers and support along with the acknowledgement that we are all walking the same path. I love you all even though we have not met. Prayers and hugs to you from Pa. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Everyone, As I sit here in the condo watching the water moving outside in the bay I can feel that familiar sadness rising up inside of me. Just moments ago I felt a calming peace but it's leaving me. Perhaps it is because I know it is time to return to reality. I miss my love. I want him to be sitting here with me. I think of how much fun we would have had spending Thanksgiving together at the beach -- it's something we never even thought about doing. I wanted to grow old with Brian. All of our dreams and hopes have been shattered. What am I going to do without him for the rest of my life? I'm not going to ask why because there are no answers. I guess I just have to make my way through this feeling knowing that it too will pass. But, I'm so tired of being on this grief roller coaster -- I want to get off. I want to be healed. I want to be able to think about Brian without crying. I want to be able to take out all of our memoriese and treasure them without the tears. I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying to do the grief work. I guess I just expect too much to soon. Thanks for listening, my friends. It helps to know that we are in this together. If you could send some prayers my way, it would be much appreciated. Hugs from Maryland (soon to return to Pa.) Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Oh, Ted, I'm so glad to hear that you relaxed in the jacuzzi with your loving memories of Adrianne. I'm sitting here watching the water on the bay. Going to take one more walk on the beach before I head home. I know it will be a sad return. I wish I could stay at the beach forever. It's peaceful and I can feel Brian's presence (he was a beach lover). Thanks for continuing to share this grief journey with me. I am blessed by your support and compassion. Hugs. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Ok . . I dare, too. I am 48 years old so I have no illusions that some day I will have physical desires again. But, it's way too soon for me. I cannot even imagine being with somebody other than Brian. It would hurt too much and I would feel I was being unfaithful. I think there would be a lot of guilt so I'll be patient and wait for more healing. One of the dreams I had about Brian recentlyl was of an intimate nature. When I woke up I was able to feel his love for me. I guess for me intimacy involves more than just physical release it's also about connecting my soul to someone I love. I don't know whatthe future will hold and for now I try not to look too far ahead. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Debbie & Laurie, My Pastoral Counselor suggested I go for a massage and she gave me the name of a woman who does massage plus energy work. I'm still considering the idea. Then last week my Spiritual Director asked me what I have done for myself since Brian passed away. I couldn't come up with an answer. I guess I've been so focused on the grieving that I haven't considered taking the time, energy, or money to do something special for me. I am at the beach for a few days so I guess that counts since it is peaceful and healing. I think when I go back home I'm going to schedule that massage and perhaps get a manicure / pedicure. I'm not sure I want to go alone so maybe I'll see if one of my sisters or a friend will go with me. Tears still come at surprising times so I want to be prepared. My thoughts and prayers are with both of you as we walk this grief journey and try to make some small sense of the new lives which we have to live. Thanks for sharing and for understanding. We do not walk alone. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Linda G., I've done all of the what ifs, would haves, should haves until my mind becomes trapped in the circle because there is no way to come out with a different ending. I think your grief counselor's advice is wise. We all did the best that we could with the knowledge we had at the time. Obviously in hindsight we have more details than we had in the tragic moments when our loved ones passed away. I don't think they would want us to continue to beat ourselves up. I believe that Brian is encouraging me to move forward and live. It's hard and I have to remind myself each and every day to keep going, to try to find those elusive moments of peace. Take those baby steps, my friend. Be gentle on yourself and allow yourself to experience the emotions as they come. Slowly you will heal. It's not easy but remember we are walking this path together. I'm sending prayers and hugs your way. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

I thought I was kind of weird because I'm not able to watch movies. I had to watch a movie for a paper requirement and almost lost it. It just doesn't seem the same without Brian. We used to go to an art center near our house where they showed non-mainstream movies. Brian was very tall and needed a lot of leg room. The end seats in the top row (stadium seating)had the whole aisle for leg room. We used to joke that it was "his seat." On the way to the theater, he would always say, nobody better be sitting in my seat. Doubt I'll ever be able to go to that theater. I miss him, I miss his humor, I miss his love. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi AZJane. I lost my fiance, Brian, a little over two months ago and he also was my whole world. I have no illusion that I will be better in a year. At a recent grief support group we were encouraged to try moving forward rather than moving on. Moving on seems to say that we leave our loved ones behind. Moving forward means we take them, our memories, and most of all our love with us as we try to rebuild our lives inspite of the devastation. I don't think I will ever be able to delete Brian from my conversations--and actually I don't want to. He impacted my life in such a huge way and he changed the essence of who I am without ever trying to change me (if that makes sense). Keep your memories and ignore those who feel you should be over the grief and moving on. We all grieve in our own unique way and it takes as long as it takes. Hugs and prayers are being sent to you from Maryland (I'm really from Pa but spending a few days at the beach). Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Mrs. B, no offense taken. I'm actually glad to hear that I was able to make you laugh and think of a good memory of your Rick. When Brian said we would learn the answers, he meant about everything . . . not just about what happened to us. I know that he's in heaven still questioning God about many things. And, he's having a blast meeting new people and reconnecting with people he hasn't seen for a long time, like his father who passed away about 20 years ago. I also used to be afraid of death but it was because of what I would be leaving behind. This is one fear I no longer hold. I'm not in a hurry but it will be okay when my time comes. Thanks for sharing your story. Hugs. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Ted, I'm here whenever you need a hand, a listening ear, or an understanding soul. We're going to face many ups and downs and it's so helpful to have each other to lean on. I just got back from having dinner with my son. It was a nice restaurant and the food was good but I couldn't help but think Brian should have been with us. He would have enjoyed the evening. I know he was with us in spirit but that's not enough for me right now. Maybe some day. Today I still love him, I still miss him, and I still want him back. I hope you are feeling a bit better and that you are able to find those glimmers of peace. Prayers continue, my friend. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Drinking wine and getting ready to go out to dinner with my son. Would rather stay in but I made him a promise when he agreed to escapte to the beach with me. My prayers are with you, Ted. And, yes, grieving is our work for now. Maybe I should switch from wine to JW Black? Hugs. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Korina, I've also been able to talk about Brian with laughter and smiles amidst the tears and sadness right from the beginning. How could I not? He was such a funny guy and always had us laughing with his stories and jokes. I cherish these memories and hope someday the sadness and tears will subside just a bit. Family and friends have been really good about letting me to talk about Brian. Many are missing him almost as much as I am so it helps us all to remember his presence in our lives and what he meant to us. I remember the week after Brian passed away two good friends came to visit. We told Brian stories most of the night and we laughed because the stories were funny. Sometimes I get pangs of guilt when I laugh, but my friends remind me this is what Brian would want. I still miss him and I'm still somewhat lost without him, but life is slowly getting a little easier. I just continue to accept the emotions as they come and take life day by day. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Well, my friends, it's the day after. I trust that we all did what we had to do to make it through the holiday. I spent time at the beach with my son. There was nothing traditional about our holiday. No turkey, no potatoes, no over-stuffed feeling. We walked on the beach. I wrote Brian's name and my message of love for him in the sand. The loss is still as great as it was yesterday and the day before but I am at least learning how to cope with the incredible sadness and pain that fill my entire being. Sometimese I still cannot believe that he is gone. Other times the acceptance of the loss threatens to overwhelm me. It's still better to focus on one day (or moment) at a time. Today I plan to walk on the beach again and I am beginning to write my essay on Romans 26-39. I do take comfort in God's presence in my life and the knowledge that Brian is now experiencing God's entire promise--the promise of eternal life. There's hope because nothing can separate us from the love of God--and I believe this also means nothing can separate us from the love of those who have been called home before us. So, today, I focus on trying to feel Brian's love and presence in many ways. I will continue to look for signs--the birds, the butterflies, the rays of sunshine on a gloomy day--which assure me that he is with me and that all will indeed be well. Tears will continue and I know they will come when I least expect them. I'm never going to get over this loss but I hope that slowly I will learn how to live again. For I do know that Brian wants me to live--not a life filled with eternal sadness but a full life filled with as much joy and happiness as I can handle. I'm going to try to take baby steps toward that pinacle. I hope you are all doing as well as can be expected. We walk this road together and again, I wish to express my gratitude for all who have helped me face this loss. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Tim, I'm sure dancing will be allowed and encouraged. Maybe Brian will be playing his guitar while you and Lucille dance. And, I'm guessing that you will be a great dancer in heaven. Hugs, my friend. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Ted, Brian used to tell me that once we are with God we will learn all of the answers. Now he knows. I'll have to wait. What we get on earth is the "first fruits" or a glimpse of what life will be like. We have faith and hope because of God's promises. I'm no longer afraid to die because I know that I will be with God and I am absolutely certain that Brian will be there to greet me with a great big hug and it will be a blessed reunion. Hope all is well, my friend, and that you are able to find some peace on this Thanksgiving day. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Rochel, I'm actually spending a few days at the beach with my son. Couldn't face the traditional Thanksgiving. We left early and got here before noon. Had a glass of wine and then went for a walk on the beach. I wrote Brian's name in the sand. There is a song by the Glengerry Bhoys that we both loved which has a line "I want to write our names in the sand." We never did it together. I'm going back to the beach tomorrow and going to write both of our names. Right now I have some brie baking in the over and my son and I are going to have a few Sam Adams. Brian was a beer drinker -- good beer, so we will drink to and for him. The condo I rented overlooks the bay and we will sit on the balcony a nd look at the water. It's a gorgeous view. Of course, I wish he was here with me physically but I now his spirit is with us. You made me laugh about your Bob looking for deals in the meat department. Brian was always checking out what was on sale as buy one get one free. He had five children and we would have Sunday dinners so it was always a bonus if we could get something for free. I was just telling Kevin today how Brian was such a simple man who got joy out of the smallest things. He was excited to find the perfect pepper mill. He told me that he didn't care if he ate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches as long as he was eating them with me. I love him so much and I will miss him forever. For some reason the pain is not as intense at the beach . . . there is just a prevailing sadness. There are tears but not uncontrollable sobbing. Wish I could stay here. Be well, my friend. When do you leave for Calif.? Maybe the change will be good for you. It's hard to tell what will work and what won't work of this grief journey. Especially since what works one day doesn't necessarily work the next day. All we can do is take it one step at a time and do the best that we can. I know that you miss Bob terribly but I also know that he is right there with you. And someday we will join them and there will be a grand reunion. Hugs to you from Maryland this time. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda PS I'm wearing Brian's red Musikfest sweatshirt right now. It makes me a little sad but it is also comforting.

Oh, Kat, I'm keeping you in my prayers, too. I thought I was doing pretty well today until I went to the grocery store with my son. I lost is several times because Brian and I used to do the shopping together. I could picture him checking out the meat department and trying to decide what we should buy. I just miss him so much. I hope you are able to find some peace during the next few days. Lean on your friends as much as you need to. That is really what friends are for. And, take comfort in being with your son. That's my plan. Hugs to you, my friend. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Oh, Lucia, I can feel your pain as I read your words. Thanksgiving is going to be so hard for us all. I'm glad to hear that your daughter is coming to take you to her house. At least you won't be alone. I wish I could magically erase your pain and your longing for you beloved Ben. I understand how much you are missing him, how much it hurts, and how badly you want him back in your life. I, too, feel the same way about Brian. It's a hard, hard road that we walk but God is with us along the way. Try to rest even if you are unable to sleep. Remember to breathe. Accept the emotions as they come to you. You are honoring the love that you shared with Ben. I'm hear to listen so write as often as you need to. We're in the shadows, my friend. Hopefully there will come a time when the pain is a bit less and our memories can perhaps bring a smile. But first we must do this grief work . . . and it is definitely work. My thoughts and prayers are with you today and will be tomorrow. Hugs from Pennsylvania. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Bev, I lost my fiance, Brian, on 09/23/2009. I returned to work a few weeks later but my boss and my collegues have been very understanding of my grieving process. I am seeing a Pastoral Counselor every other week and she told me that grieving is my main work right now. Everything else is secondary. It is hard on us physically, mentally, and emotionally. And, we need to do the grief work in order to find some peace on the other side. I really have to work due to my financial situation and it does help a bit to be out of the house. But, we all have to make our own decisions as to what we can and cannot handle at this moment. It sounds like you are taking care of yourself and working through your grief. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Good morning my friends, As we head into this Thanksgiving holiday, I lift each of you up in my prayers. For some of us this is the first holiday to be spent without our beloveds. I have no doubt it will be difficult but I trust that God's loving arms will be wrapped around us as we face the challenges of the day. I am heading to the beach with my son in the hope that the ocean will help me find a new peace for my soul. There is something about the vastness as well as the ebb and flow of the tides which is soothing to me. I want to spend some time thinking about the many memories Brian and I made in the presence of God's awesome creation. Over the past few weeks I have been searching my soul to discover the many ways which God is blessing me even in this time of great sadness and loss. I discovered I am thankful for the many friends who have offered love, support, and comfort--some I have know for years and some I am just starting to know better. I am blessed with the gift of memory for I will never forget the special way that my soul is connected to Brian's soul. I am thankful for the healing nature of tears which allow me to grieve my loss and express the emotions and feelings which continue to overwhelm me. I am thank for my son, for Brian's children, and for Brian's grandchildren. He will live on in all of our hearts. I am thankful for my cats, Angus and Maggie, for they offer quiet comfort and even laughter. I am thankful for God who is large enough to accept my anger, my doubts, my questions, my love, my prayers--and still offer never-ending grace and love in return. And, my dear friends, I am thankful for the love, encouragement and support offered right here on this forum. Surely God is moving among us as we reach out to one another and share our losses, our struggles, our tears, and our comfort. I wish that I had come to know each and every one of you in a different time when we could share laughter, joy and smiles. But, I am blessed and honored that you have allowed me to enter your grief journey and that we can walk through these shadows together. May you all find some solace and peace during this holiday weekend. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Brian was my biggest supporter when I entered seminary. He told me that I would make a great Pastor. I returned to classes two weeks after he died because that is what he would expect me to do. I will go on because I want him to be proud of me. Every time I preach a sermon--he will be by my side. Every time I counsel someone who is grieving--he will be right there with me. He lives in my heart. Our souls are connected for eternity and that is something that cannot be taken away from me. I will miss him forever . . . and I will love him always. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Thanks everyone. I made it through the dreaded day. Being with my sister helped because we talked about Brian. She loves and misses him, too. I keep reaching for those moments of clarity and peace. They are fleeting but when they do come they give some respite to my overwhelmed and devastated soul. I'm leaning on God and grappling with the questions. Prayers and hugs to all my friends. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda