LindaKoz

Vickie, Thank you for sharing the chaos quote. It really tapped into what I'm feeling. I've been trying so hard to figure out this chaos in which I am living and I guess I just need to give it more time. I think I've been trying so hard to work my way through this pain because I thought the harder I work the quicker I would feel better. I just want it all to be over but it's not time yet. And, it's not a pain that will just go away because I will never get Brian back no matter what I do or how hard I work. In my head I know that my goal has to be healing and making some type of peace with this loss. In my heart, I just want Brian back . . . not to connect with his spirit but to have his physical presence. Not very realistic but then I can't say that my heart was ever very good at staying grounded in reality. Thanks again for giving me a glimmer of hope. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Oh, Kat, I'm sending you prayers and hugs. I know exactly how you feel. I cry every day on my way to work and every day on my way home. I didn't work with Brian but every morning before I left for work he would send me a text message saying that he loved me. I miss my messages. Every day when I was driving home from work I would call him to see what we were going to do that night. I miss him talking to him. I miss his smile, I miss his voice, I miss his hugs, I miss listening to him play his guitar. I miss everything about Brian and I also don't know how to make the pain go away. Come here and ramble anytime you need to. I think it helps to write our thoughts and get them out of our head for a short time. I'm listening, Kat. I feel your pain and I really know how you feel. How could we not feel such an intense longing for our beloveds when our love for them was so deep, so real, so strong? All we can do is take this new journey day by day and hope that there will be healing -- that we will some day be able to grab onto that elusive peace. That is my wish and my hope. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Lea, I'm sorry to learn about your losses but glad you posted on this site. There are so many kind, caring people who truly understand. We are walking through these shadows together. You are not alone. Anger is a normal part of the grief process. Of course you are angry at the injustice of the situation -- you have reasons to feel this way. Your children should get to grow up with their father. None of us should be walking this grief journey. I've gotten angry and I've screamed and yelled. My counselor suggested hitting a pillow with a whiffle ball bat -- it helps to release pent up frustrations. I also hear that you are watching your children to be sure they are dealing with the loss the best they can. That's the best that you can do right now. I hope that they are able to grieve their loss and that as a family you can all pull together and take care of each other. I also have been told that I'm strong. Sometimes I don't feel the strength but apparently others see it in me. I just hope I am truly strong enough to do this grief work and find some peace and solace on the other side. I know it's not going to be easy and I know it's going to take a long time. But, I keep putting one foot in front of the other and not focusing on the distant future. Take care of yourself, my friend. Be as gentle with yourself as you can. Remember to breath and to honor all of the emotions you are feeling. We are hear to listen and to offer our support and love. Hugs to you. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Furkid, I understand that you want to do what it right, but you also need to be concerned about what you are able to do. Don't add more stress to your life if you can help it. If you can stop by for a short time, that is great. If you want to buy small gifts, I think that would be fine. I don't think there are any right and wrong answers on this grief journey. It sounds to me like they are trying to make the holidays easier for you because they know you are grieving. I know that you wish Randy was here to help you and I know how much it hurts. I've been trading a lot of texts messages with Brian's children trying to coordinate a date when we can all get together and it's getting frustrating. This was something he took care of (now I understand that it was just difficult to coordinate schedules). My thoughts and prayers continue to be with you. Hugs. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Phyllis, Thanks for understanding and for your offer to cry with me (which we actually could do because I'm in Reading, Pa). I'm going to go have a beer or two with my sister and brother-in-law. I think it will be better than staying home alone and they are both okay with me crying. Brian was a beer drinker and we used to have happy hour together at home on Fridays -- or lousy days. I'll just go out this time. I know he'll be right there with me. I miss him so much and today the pain is overwhelming. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

I don't really have an anyswer but I think there has to be flexibility. You need to do what it right for you, especially this year when the loss is so fresh and so new. Brian and I hadn't gotten married yet (we were planning for 08/2011) but we lived together for three years. He had five children and three grandchildren. I have one son. I'm hoping to get together with his children/grandchildren the Sunday after Thanksgiving and sometime close to Christmas. We'll do whatever workds best. His mom and sisters lived in another state and I really didn't have a chance to get too close to them. They haven't chosen to reach out to me so I guess it's not relationships I need to worry about. I was at a seminar over the weekend for tips on surviving the holidays. They told us that we need to decide what is best for us. What traditions do we want to hold onto and where do we want to create new traditions. Another tip was that if you do not feel up to being with friends/relatives the entire day, just say that you will stop by for dessert. We are grieving deeply. We have lost the beloved people we intended to spend the rest of our lives with. The holidays are going to be tough and this is a time when we must be gentle with ourselves and listen to what our bodies and our emotions are saying. Hugs. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Amy, I understand. I've said the only person who would really be able to comfort me through this loss is Brian himself. He was a big guy (6'4") and I really need a hug from him right now. I miss him, too. I have no words to erase you pain. But, I'll listen and I'll understand. Hugs. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Thanks, Kat. I'm sending prayers, thoughts, and hugs your way. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Well today marks the two month date. I can't believe it has been this long since I have seen Brian's face and smile, felt his arms around me or heard his voice. Not really sure how I made it through these devastating two months. I know that God carried me and my friends held me up. Today there are tears. I miss him so much. Yesterday I felt his presence during worship at church. I felt him sitting beside me and standing with the Praise Band while they were playing. The peace that I felt was overwhelming . . . but it doesn't last. I hope some day it will not be so elusive. I'm trying not to look too far into the future because it overwhelms me. Still taking life day by day. Still taking those baby steps. Today the pain is right at the surface. Today I long to have Brian with me. Today I'm not quite sure how I can get through this grief journey. Perhaps tomorrow will be more manageable. Thanks to all my friends on this board who have supported me, offered prayer, and just listened when I needed to vent. I could not get through without all of you. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Kat, I'm guessing if I have to pick a date when my grieving will be over, it will be the day that God calls me home and I am back in Brian's arms. I try to ignore the comments of people who don't understand and gravitate to those who listen to me, cry with me, and talk about Brian. Fortunately I have a great circle of friends from my faith community who were close to Brian. Many of them are still grieving. Brian played in our Praise Band and today I had a conversation with the drummer. He thinks about Brian every day and doesn't understand how he could have been taken away from us so quickly and so suddenly. He wants to start a memorial scholarship in Brian's memory for youth in our church who participate in our music program or want to study music. I felt so honored that he came up with this idea. It's so moving to know that our friends want to keep Brian's memory alive. Maybe we can teach others that grieving doesn't have to be done in private. Maybe we can show others that each of us grieve in our own unique way. I don't want to be on this journey but I don't seem to have a choice. I guess if I can help others, there will be some small purpose. Kat, you do a fine job of expressind what you are feeling. I can hear you pain and I know that it comes from the deep love you feel. Thanks for continuing to share. Thanks for understanding. Thanks for caring. Hugs. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

I'm so sorry to hear that your friends and family don't want to sit and listen to your sadness. I'm listening. I understand. Do you have any friends who have lost their spouses? Is there a support group in your area specifically for those who have lost their significant others? I have several friends from church who are widows and they are really reaching out to me. It doesn't make my sadness go away but it helps me to know that my thoughts, feelings, and emotions are "normal" (for lack of a better word). I know that crushed can't breathe feeling so well. One thing I've learned very recently (within the past two weeks) is that when I am suddenly overwhelmed by emotions and feel I can't go on, I cry or yell and eventually the feeling does subside. It doesn't go away totally but I get glimpses of peace. I remember when Brian first past away I thought I would not make it through. So, take some deep breaths, be gentle on yourself, and take those baby steps. Remember I'm listening and I understand. You are being lifted up in my thoughts and my prayers. Hugs from Pa. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Thanks, Ted. I'll check them out. Here's a link to Dick Gaughin's Song for Ireland: Shortly after I met Brian I was in Boston for a weekend. Brian called me on the phone and played guitar / sang this song. It was the first time I ever heard him sing. I was thinking about moving to Boston to go to seminary but at that moment I realized that I was falling in love with this man and would not be moving. He sang the song for me many times over the years we shared together. I love to listen to it but I cry every time because of the memories attached. It's hard to keep going on without him but I keep trying. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Amy, I understand that Sundays are had . . . for me it's Wednesdays because that is the day that Brian passed away. I'm sending you prayers and hugs. Your words are fine, my friend. I can hear and feel your pain. It's new, it's fresh, and it's deep. I don't think any of us really understand how to walk this grief journey but I hope it helps to know that you are not alone. We are listening and sending you our love. I'm only at 8 weeks so I don't have any super advice to give to you. It's hard. I cry a lot. I want him back. But today at church I really felt Brian's presence and I hope this means that I am starting to connect with him spiritually. I have no illusions that all of a sudden the pain will lift. I think there will be some pain for the rest of my life. I just hope that as I feel his presence I will also feel his strength and his love. Maybe that will be enough to sustain me as I try to live without him. It's trial and error. I trust that God will show me the way - will show us all the way. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Ted, I've not heard of The Rankin Family . . . will look them up on You Tube. Some of our favorites are Cantrip, Malinkey, Glengerry Bhoys, Solas, John Doyle, and Dick Gaughin. Brian's favorite song by Dich Gaughin is "Song for Ireland". It's a beautiful song and Brian learned to play it on his guitar. He was a great guitar player and had a beautiful voice -- I miss hearing him sing to me. I hope this Sunday brings some peace for your soul. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

I've been out of touch with the world also. Just last week I began to listen to NPR on my way to work. Brian and I would both listen and then have discussions about some of the stories. I guess that's why I've been avoiding the news. I don't have my partner to discuss events with anymore. That was one of the joys of our relationship -- endless conversations. I miss him. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

The picture of Brian & me was taken February 1, 2008. Our good friends got married and I was her maid of honor. That date was also the second year anniversary of the day Brian and I met. We were happy and we were also sure that in a few years we would be celebrating our wedding. I also remember that the next night we went to our favorite restaurant to celebrate our anniversary. These are both really good memories but, of course, they bring tears to my eyes. Hugs to everyone. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Thanks everyone. The evening went well but of course it was bittersweet. I was able to relax for a few hours with good friends. We shared some stories about Brian and my friends are all aware that my grief journey is a difficult road for me. I think I did pretty well. It's hard for me to say that I had "fun" but I was able to enjoy the company of my friends. The difficult time came as I was driving home because that is when it really hit me that Brian should have been with me. So I talked to him through my tears. I'm still grappling with this loss but I'm also trying to find a way to live. I guess there will be a lot of trial and error and we all try to figure out who we are without our loved ones. So, one step at a time. Thanks for the love and support. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Thank you, Marty. I'm giving life my best shot. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Well, my friends, tonight I am going to a holiday party and it's my first without Brian. I'm a little scared but I also know that all of the people are really good friends and there will be love and comfort. It's a group of people from our church and they all love and miss Brian, too. I know that I will be able to talk about him and it will be okay if there are tears . . . mine and our friends. I know that if Brian were still alive he would be excited about going tonight. The first year that he went with me after we met, he made an incredible vegetable baked ziti -- our friends still rave about it. I didn't try to replicate his dish (he was the better cook) so I'm just doing what I do best. I'm taking some deep breaths and I know that I can come home any time that I need to. I miss him but I know that he would want me to live. And, so I will keep trying. Prayers would really be appreciated. Peace,love, and blessings, Linda

I would definitely have to agree with you. I just never know when the emotions are going to take over. I guess there's nothing to do but to give in and keep seeking that elusive peace and healing. Hugs to you. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Debbie, It saddens me to learn that this was your Dad's responses. A lot of people do seem to have different ideas about this grief journey. I hope that by grieving authentically I can teach others that there is no right or wrong way to grieve the loss of a loved one. For me, tears are necessary as is talking about Brian. Of course your son is going to have sad days. He should not be discouraged from showing his grief. We are all trying desperately to heal our broken hearts and to find a new way to live. At the grief seminar I attended this morning the difference between moving on and moving foward was lifted up. Moving on can be construed as leaving our loved ones behind. Moving forward (slowly, one step at a time), means we carry them in our hearts and we take our memories with us into the future. But, it won't happen over night. It happens as we do the grief work and I honestly believe it is work. It's hard. Sometimes we slide backwards. And it will take a long, long time because our love was so great. I continue to hold you and your son in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda