LindaKoz

I'm so sorry that you lost your beloved mother. I'm sending hugs and prayers your way. Of course you are not good. This is a huge loss and it's fresh and raw. You need time to grieve and grieving is hard work. I'm sure you feel exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally . . . that's what grief does to us. I wish I could take away your pain. You've found a place where we all understand your pain. We understand that you aren't good and you aren't okay. You are missing your dear mother and longing to have her back with you. I understand that you don't want a party. How could you want to celebrate so soon after this loss? You have to follow your heart and do what is best for you. In this time of grief you will encounter people who don't get it, who don't understand. Please try to ignore those people and be very gentle with yourself. Come here when you need to vent. We will listen, we will understand. Please know that you are being lifted up in prayers. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Oh, Maxine, I'm sending hugs and prayers your way. Remember that your loss is very fresh and new. Be gentle on yourself and take life one day at a time. Do what you can handle and the rest will wait. I understand about losing your soulmate, really I do. Brian and I both had previous marriages with children but knew that we had waited our entire lives to meet each other. It hurts, my friend. I understand how lost you feel without him. Come here often and talk to us. We will listen, we will understand, and we will care. It's a hard path that we now walk but when we walk together the burden is a little bit lighter. Make sure you take your time as you grieve. Some days you will be flooded with emotions and memories. I remember thinking I would just not get through them. But, I learned that I needed to honor the tears and sobs and I would slowly realize moments of peace. I still have days where I'm not sure how to function. I hope there will be some healing as we do the grief work. I hope that we will both be able to recognize our new selves some day. I hope that there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel. Lean on me when you need to. I will always listen. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Thanks. I'm feeling a little better now. Maybe I just needed some time alone and some time to cry. I do tend to fill my schedule. It's not because I'm trying to run away. Usually I just feel better when I'm with other people. Yesterday was also Brian's daughter's birthday. She's the daughter who was most like him and he should be here to celebrate with her. We should be talking about having all of the kids over on Sunday and discussing our menu, what kind of cake she would want, what to get her for her birthday. All of the things we used to do. Life is just really different now. I still trust in God but I also know God's okay with my grappling. I wrote my paper on the Romans 8:26-39 passage and got some good comments from the professor. I honestly know that God hears my prayers even when I have no words and this is comforting. Yesterday I got an e-mail which quoted this exact passage and said some of the same things I wrote. That's always a good feeling -- I get the passage. I know that someday my grief experience will allow me to be compassionate to others and to help them find a path to healing. I'm thinking about designing a seminar to present at churches on how to help people who are grieving. What to say, what to do, what not to say, what not to do. So many people just don't seem to know how to respond to people who have suffered a great loss. Maybe I can help? I've certainly had my share of people who are insenstivie but I've also encountered great compassion. Just some thoughts and I try to figure out who I am and what my future holds. Thanks again for the love, prayers, and support. My hope is that we will all help each other heal and find those moments of peace and perhaps even joy. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi all my friends, I don't know if it's the approaching Christmas season, the cold weather, the earlyd arkness or what but all of a sudden I feel like I moving backwards rather than forward. I have spent the past two days crying and shaking. Memories seem to be flooding into my mind and I miss Brian more each day. Once again I am grappling with God and asking why? Brian was strong, appeared healthy, and he really was one of the good guys. He had a strong faith, offered his music as prayer to God, and he was very humble about his talents. We waited our entire lives to meet each other and were just so happy and so in love. Our time together was way too short. We had so many hopes and dreams for the future. It's just not fair!!!!! What am I supposed to do now? I don't even know myself anymore. I look in the mirror and see a stranger. I'm tired and I just want to hibernate until spring comes. But then what? There will be new reminders with each season. St. Patrick's Day, Brian's birthday, my birthday . . . . the list goes on and on. Can somebody tell me how I am supposed to get through each significant day in my life without my love? If I'm falling apart as we approach Christmas, what will happen on the actual day? Well, I guess I needed to vent. I'm trying to remember to breathe and I'm doing a lot of sighing. My thoughts and prayers are with you all. I'm glad we have each other to lean on. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Oh, Hana, I am sending hugs, love, and prayers you way. I know that you are heartbroken, dear, and I wish I could erase all of your pain. Your grief and your loss are great. Please be gentle with your broken heart and take good care of yourself. I know that it seems totally unfair that you were so close to being reunited with your beloved father. I cannot imagine what you are feeling. All I can offer is to listen as you grieve and to continue to lift you up in my prayers. I hope that you will continue to turn to God who will carry you when you cannot stand alone and will surround you with love and comfort. Come here often, my new friend. Share your pain and anguish. We will listen and we will understand. Though our situations and our grief journeys are all unique, we are filled with compassion and empathy. My wish is that you are able to find moments of peace amidst the pain. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

(((Laurie))) No need to apologize, my friend, that's what we are here for. Our lives are forever changed and we all need to find our own way to work through the pain and the grief. I'm sitting at home alone tonight. It was a bad day and I didn't have the energy to drive to my class which is 40 minutes away. I also felt like a panic attack was coming on so I chose to put on Brian's clothes and hibernate. I wish I had some wisdom to share. Rather, I can offer an ear to listen, a heart which understands, and lots of prayers. Grief is WORK and even if there is an "end" we don't get the prize we wish for. You'll find you way somehow and we'll forge this path together. For now, take all of the time you need to grieve for your beloved Scott. Your love was great and there's no easy way around the pain you are feeling. I'm sending prayers and love you way. Hoping you can find moments of peace and solace. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

I'm sending lots of prayers, hugs, and love your way. You have a found a place where others understand the pain and grief you are experiencing. I wish I had words which would help bring beauty back into your life. Sadly, all I can offer is an ear to listen and a promise that I will walk this journey with you from afar. My life, too, lost it's beauty 10 weeks ago. Brian was my best friend, my love, my music, and my world. He was the other half of me. My soul has been fragmented. I'm no longer whole. I hope that you are able to find moments of peace. Be gentle with yourself. This grief journey is hard work and it's easy to become physically, emotionally, and mentally drained. Talk to us any time you need to. We will listen. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

(((Hugs))) I'm so sorry to learn about the loss of your beloved husband. You've found a safe place where we will listen and we will understand. The way you defined your days "bad" and "worse" touched a memory for me. That is exactly how I felt when I lost Brian (10 weeks ago tomorrow). I will tell you that now I"m up to having "okay" days. Time, prayer, support, counseling, and a lot of love have helped to open a path for healing. The grief journey is hard WORK. I concur will all the other posts. Be very gentle with yourself and remember this wound is so fresh, it is so raw. Some day you will find glimmers of hope and glimpses of peace. Life will try to lure you back and heling will begin to occur. For now, rest as much as you can, eat what you are able, take small baby steps and look at life one moment at a time. Talk to us as often asy ou need to. We will listen and we will care. I'm holding you in my prayers and I know that God is holding you in the palm of his hands. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

(((Hugs))) There are so many triggers and the holiday season is very difficult to face. All around us people are excited and joyful which magnifies our losses. I'm not playing Christmas music this year. I'm avoiding the mall and shopping areas which will be too hard for me to face. Yesterday was a really rough day. Brian always bought me Willow Tree Angels for Christmas and for my birthday. I stopped at the Hallmark store to pick up a gift for his daughter's birthday and noticed an Angel I had never seen before. It's holding a butterfly. My first sign from Brian was a butterfly so I bought this new Angel for myself. The checkout girl was young and perky. She asked if I was buying it for a gift. I told her it was for myself but it took all of my strength not to fall apart right there. Brian should have been buying it for me for Christmas. Then today I got a call that I won the drawing for the Mary and Joseph figurines. I never win anything. I really think this was Brian's way of giving me a gift. I've decorated the top of our entertainment center with some lights, beads, a candle, the Angel with the butterflly and our picture. Now I can put Mary and Joseph there also. I'm glad Brian found a way to touch me but I'm also sad. Will life always be bittersweet? Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

I'm sending prayers, hugs, and love your way. The "frozen" feeling is your body's way of protecting you. We all experience numbness initially. Perhaps the distance and the fact that you could not be present at the service makes your grief more complicated. Keep talking to us, we will listen and understand. Debbie's idea about counseling is very good advice. I see a Pastoral Counselor every other week, my Spiritual Director monthly and attend a grief sharing support group as often as possible. We all handle grief in our own unique way. Sometimes we experience conflicting emotions and it feels like we are going crazy. We're not. We just long for those we love who are no longer with us. Remember to be gentle with yourself, eat as you can, get as much rest as possible. And, know that you are not alone . . . . you have us. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Ted, Thanks for sharing the devotional. I definitely need God's compassion renewed daily. Today I'm feeling sad. I turn to God for hope and peace and way to continue to endure this sadness. Thankfully, we do not walk alone. We have each other, we have the spiritual presence of our loved ones, and we have God. I guess somehow, someway we will find a new way to live. But, for today, I'm just going to rest and take care of me. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Everyone, I'm affected my memory lapses also. I try to write all of my appointments on my calendar and then make sure that I look at it. This grief journey is so overwhelming most of the time. I have to remind myself to do the laundry, take out the trash/recycling, and sometimes even to eat. Sleep is still elusive most of the time. Maybe it is time to break down and take those sleeping pills but honestly they scare me. It seems like today is going to be a bad day. I feel that huge dark cloud looming all around me. I made it to church today but don't think I have motivation for anything else. Today I am sad. Today I will rest. I'm sending my prayers and hugs to all of you. I'm thankful that we are able to share this great loss and to hold on to each other. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Debbie, I'm glad to hear you are cooking today. It sounds like it's going to be a delicious meal. It's really a big step to attempt the "normal" things in life. Hugs to you. You are a wonderful mother and you have a kind, caring son. Enjoy the meal together. I also haven't cooked since Brian passed away. I'm thankful for microwaves. Brian really was the better cook and we were always in the kitchen together. He was the chef and I was the sous chef. I don't really have the energy to try yet. I am having some friends over tonight and we're going to make homemade pizza. Hopefully my friends will do much of the work. I thought it was a good idea but now I'm having second thoughts about my energy level. It will be comforting to be with my friends but I also know there will be sadness because Brian will be missing. But, my friends also loved Brian and I know that they miss him, too. I won't have to worry about crying or talking about him. These are the people I want to be around during my grief. I hope that you day is filled with many blessings and glimmers of peace. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Debbie, I'm glad to hear you are cooking today. It sounds like it's going to be a delicious meal. It's really a big step to attempt the "normal" things in life. Hugs to you. You are a wonderful mother and you have a kind, caring son. Enjoy the meal together. I also haven't cooked since Brian passed away. I'm thankful for microwaves. Brian really was the better cook and we were always in the kitchen together. He was the chef and I was the sous chef. I don't really have the energy to try yet. I am having some friends over tonight and we're going to make homemade pizza. Hopefully my friends will do much of the work. I thought it was a good idea but now I'm having second thoughts about my energy level. It will be comforting to be with my friends but I also know there will be sadness because Brian will be missing. But, my friends also loved Brian and I know that they miss him, too. I won't have to worry about crying or talking about him. These are the people I want to be around during my grief. I hope that you day is filled with many blessings and glimmers of peace. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

The only gifts I have purchased so far are guitars for two of Brian's grandchildren. Brian was a very talented guitar player (I miss hearing him play). Before he passed away I saw these great guitars in a catalog. We talked about it and he felt it was a good idea for Connor (he's five) but not for Bella (she'll be 2 in Jan.). After he passed away I decided to get one for Bella, too. They will be from their "Boom Boom" and I hope they will treasure them forever. I'm not sure how many more gifts I will buy. I've been trying to think of something special to get for Brian's children, especially his youngest daugher who is 13. I'll also get some gifts for my son because he has really supported me the past 9 weeks. I think that will be about all I am able to handle. Personally I don't want any gifts. The only thing I want is Brian but nobody can make that dream come true. Oh, here come the tears . . . . . Peace, love, and blessings, my friends, Linda

Hi Linda G. I escaped to the beach with my son for Thanksgiving. It's not an otpion for Christmas because he wants to be with our family. I think I will go to my sister's house but a little later. I don't want any gifts and I really don't want to be there for the gift giving extravaganza (my parents tend to go a bit overboard). Hopefully they will take Kevin with them and then I'll just go when I am able. I also attended a grief seminar on surviving the holidays and learned that we have the right to set boundaries. I'm only going to decorate the mantle or the entertainment center with a candle, some lights and garland, and a picture of Brian and me. I'm considering a wreath for the front door if I get the motivation. I'm really scared about New Year's Eve because we always did something special. I might go on a retreat where I can spend time alone, with my journal, and with God. Just not sure whether this is a good idea or not. Hugs to you, my friend. Please remember that you can only do what you are able to do. Set your boundaries and if you feel overwhelmed you can always escape or change you mind. You have the right to walk your own unique grief journey. Never mind what others think, feel, or say. It's YOUR grief journey. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Thanks, Kat. The thing is the picture was her "card" and it wasn't even one of those pictures made into a card. At least she didn't send me her rambling yearly letter. Don't think I could have read her yearly commentary. I don't think I'll be doing much decorating or celebrating this year. I got a candle the other day and put it on top of my entertainment center along with a picture of Brian and me. I might get some lights to put there also and maybe some garland. I think that will be about it. I used to enjoy decorating with Brian. A few years ago he went to Lowes and got red chili pepper lights because they were on sale and he decorated our front tree. From afar they just looked like red lights. But when our friends got close and noticed they were chili peppers, they just laughed It was so like Brian. After Christmas he strung them up in our back yard on the hedges. They were really great when we had our Cynco de Mayo party this year. It was such a joyous occasion. Now I look at the pepper lights in our backyard and cry. So much changed so quickly. I miss him. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Well, today is just a bad day but to make matters worse I brought in the mail and noticed someone had sent me a Christmas card. When I opened the envelope from my "friend?" I saw that she had sent me a picture of her and her husband on vacation. On the back she wrote "Merry Christmas." Really? Are you freaking kidding me? No note asking how I'm doing. No indication that this might not be a joyful time of the year for me. No recognition that I am deep in grief and having a difficult time facing the upcoming celebration. I'm trashing the picture and writing her off as a "friend." We really haven't been in close contact for quite a while but she is aware of Brian's passing because she sent me a sympathy card. The other thing I know about her is when we would get together the conversation revolved around her life. I guess this is not a surprise but it sure made my already bad day worse. Thanks for letting me vent. Hugs to you all. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Rochel, Good to hear from you, my friend. I'm still taking life day by day. I have my times of grief along with glimpses of clarity. I think going to school helps because I'm out of the house but I know I'm in a safe, loving environment. Also, I never was one for staying home alone so I'm spending time with friends who I know I can trust to be gentle on my soul. I don't like this grief journey but there doesn't seem to be another option. I will miss Brian forever but I also know that he's waiting for me with God. And, I want him to be proud of me when we are reunited. The one piece of knowledge I want to pass on to everyone I meet is to live life to the fullest because we never know what will happen the next minute, hour, or day. I want my friends and colleagues to understand that as long as we have love, friends, family, health, and faith, there's no need to be bothered by stuff that doesn't matter in the long run. I just overheard an argument between two colleagues which really bothered me. The basis was someone feeling slighted. They just don't get it. It just really doesn't matter. Somehow I need to make others understand and appreciate all they do have going for them in this fragile life of ours. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Debbie, I talked with my Pastoral Counselor about the time issue and she also offered that God's time is different. Part of my sadness has been for Brian -- that he's separated from us and is sad or suffering. But this isn't the case. He's with God and Jesus and he knows that we will all be there with him eventually. And, if human time is meaningless in heaven then I don't have to worry about him being sad during the waiting period. We are the ones who suffer from this great loss, not our beloveds. I look forward to the day I am reunited with him and, of course, with God. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Caroline, I love the beautiful poem that you posted and it really put a lot of my guilt into perspective. I lost my fiance, Brian on 09/23/2009 -- he was 53. I've asked all of the whys and went through all of the should haves and would haves but the reality remains the same -- Brian's physical presence is still gone. But now I can say that I love him with all of my heart and soul and I did the best that I could with the knowledge I had at the time. Hindsight information wasn't available. Thank you for helping me to realize that everything I did was out of love. When I first returned to work and to school after Brian died, I wanted to be invisible because I thought everyone could see my pain and that they would treat me differently. Fortunately I have been surrounded by family, friends, and my faith community, but there are times I feel so alone even in their midst. It's a difficult path we walk. Many people do not understand the depth of our pain and the anguish we live with day after day. Finding this forum was a true blessing because we understand and we can try to find a new way to live together. I'm sending prayers and hugs from Pa. And, please know that your words make perfect sense to me. Age doesn't matter when you lose the person you expected to share the rest of your life with. I understand. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Ted, I guess for me the difference is now I drink alone. Brian and I always enjoyed our "Happy Hours" and he said I was cute when I had a little too much wine. But, I never drank more than one glass of wine by myself . . . I am now. Is it a problem? I don't think so right now but I am aware enough to understand that it could lead to a problem so I'm monitoring. Thanks for raising the question, Ted, and for having the courage to broach the subject. I'll try to be careful and I hope that you will too. I guess the answer to how much is too much depends upon the individual and perhaps the drink of choice. Maybe we can keep checking in with each other? I had two glasses of wine tonight and I'm about done. I promise to be honest if you do. Hugs, my friend. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Thanks, Kat. Brian always told me that I should write a book one day . . . he thought I was a great writer. Maybe some day I'll write about this experience. I thought of something else I wanted to add. As I spent some time talking about anger with my Pastoral Counselor, I mentioned that I'm not angry at God because I truly don't believe God took Brian out of my life -- it was an infection. I don't want to be angry at Brian because I know he thought he had the flu and didn't know how sick he really was. I try not to be angry at myself because when I am I'm using hindsight information that I didn't have at the time. So who / what am I angry at? I'm angry at the injustice of the whole situation. I'm angry at our humanness--at the fact that we are not always able to save our loved ones from diseases and tragedies. It helps me a bit to take the focus off the would haves, should haves which really just leave my mind spinning. I hope perhaps this helps just a bit. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Mrs. B. I understand exactly what you are saying. I guess that's the blessing of this forum. If I fill my life with activities and make sure I'm not home alone too often, then I don't have to let this grief catch up with me. Perhaps I can be one step ahead of it? But, I'm not sure it's healthy. My Spiritual Director asked me to read a book called "The Gift of the Red Bird" which was written by a young woman who lost her husband and her young daughter in a car accident. There are many lessons I am taking away from the book (and as I re-read it I'm sure there will be more), but one thing which immediately popped out is that if I take on too much during this time of grief, my body, soul, and mind will suffer the consequences. I don't have an answer on how to resolve this dilemma so I do the best that I can. And, yes, it is possible to be happy and to feel guilty. Happens to me all of the time. And, yes, I miss Brian with all of my heart and soul but there are times when I am angry at him because he left me and this shattered all of our hopes and dreams. Just today I asked my son why Brian would leave me if he loved me so much. My rational side tells me there is absolutely no way that he wanted to leave me, that it was out of his control. But the irrational side seems to take over way too often. I guess that's what grief does. Once again I wish that I had the magic words or formula which would heal all of our wounds. I wish I could waive a magic wand and make us all whole -- or even better bring our beloveds back to us. But, all I can offer is my continual love and my never-ending support. We are walking through shadows but at least we are not alone. I'm glad that you came here to vent tonight. I wish for you peace and healing, my friend. I wish this for all of us. Hugs from Pa. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda